My mother has given me so much anxiety

I've had anxiety for a very long time now, but it got worse when I came to live with my mother when I was around 13 (My parents are divorced and my father is virtually non-existent. My grandparents raised me as a kid and then my mom) She has had a hard life with her family and my father's family being jerks to her, so she has a lot of anger management and trust issues. She's very self-righteous and finds numerous ways to convince herself that she's right about everything. She hates it when someone disagrees with her on any account and positively throws a fit when anybody asks her to do something differently. She's a very closed-minded person, but that only comes out during her fits of anger. Otherwise she pretends to be really understanding and encouraging towards me. But when I actually go ahead and do something that I want, she gets pissed off and goes on a tirade.

I'm 23 years old and am a professional dancer. I'm actually trying to make it as a choreographer on my own and it's not easy in any way. Almost a year ago, I had a nasty breakup where families got involved and there was a lot of mud-slinging. It shook me and my mom to the core. But as a result of that she has become wary of anyone who tries to talk to me or I try to talk to. I met this guy who seemed nice and was easy to talk to. I told her about him and she went crazy and stalked him on social media and what not. Yesterday I went and him and a couple of his other friends socially. I came back and told her all about it and she went all berserk and started screaming at me. She said I would fail at life and I was headed towards a disaster, that I was not yet emotionally capable of handling a relationship, that I need to stop looking for validation from men etc etc. This is after I made it very clear that I'm not looking for a relationship and I'm not emotionally stable enough to be there for someone else. She has known this for months and she can see how hard I work for my goal. And yet that doesn't stop her from going on a rampage. Clearly she doesn't want me to meet anyone or make any new friends. I don't have a social circle because of my anxiety and I hardly ever go out. I probably went out after months yesterday and she lost it at that. She told me she didn't want me meeting him or his friends anymore.

Episodes like these spike my anxiety levels a lot. My entire day gets ruined and I become physically paralyzed to do anything productive. I haven't done much since morning because dealing with anxiety has consumed most of my energy and time. And lately this has been happening a lot. I just cannot stand her anymore. She has work related issues and is constantly acting the victim and expects me to fill some void in her life. I almost gave up dancing at one point in my life because of her. I've come to a point where the smallest of things irk me. My tolerance threshold has become very low. She has never been there for me emotionally and yet thinks it's her right to be a control freak with me.

Thankyou for reading my rant

Aburj:

All this sounds very toxic:

"She's very self-righteous and finds numerous ways to convince herself that she's right about everything. She hates it when someone disagrees with her on any account and positively throws a fit when anybody asks her to do something differently. She's a very closed-minded person, but that only comes out during her fits of anger."

Perhaps it is time to go it alone A?

Also have a look at this "Will I ever be Good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride

She is without a doubt the problem - not you.

Maybe it's time for you to make a break from her. She obviously has her own problems and issues yet I can't help thinking that she'd rather wallow than actually do anything about it. Almost like she gets some kind of kick out of being different, feeling hard done by and making excuses for her behaviour on past events. Narcissistic springs to mind.....

Anyway, that's her choice to be like that. It sounds like you have your life and career mapped out so go for it! You can only be there for someone for so long and stick up for them until the time comes when, for the sake of your own sanity, you have to say "Enough is enough". She's a big girl, she clearly needs help but only she do that for herself.

Take a step back and do what you have to do to make things work for you. Life is too short for regrets. Good luck X

It may be time to get your own place perhaps with some roommates. No one discusses their dating life in such detail with their mother at 23 yrs old and you should do the same.

She is not a peer. Try to make some friends to confide in. Go to therapy to learn to create appropriate adult boundaries, detach from family dysfunction and set more young adult goals into action being more emotionally and financially independent.

I'm 23 years old and am a professional dancer. I had a nasty breakup where families got involved. I came back and told her all about it and she went all berserk and started screaming at me.

Aburj:

 

All this sounds very toxic:

 

"She's very self-righteous and finds numerous ways to convince herself that she's right about everything. She hates it when someone disagrees with her on any account and positively throws a fit when anybody asks her to do something differently. She's a very closed-minded person, but that only comes out during her fits of anger."

 

Perhaps it is time to go it alone A?

 

Also have a look at this "Will I ever be Good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride

Hi Hermes, thanks for your reply. I keep thinking about that too. I know I need to start living away from her and all her negativity, but figuring out the finance is what's holding me back. I am working on it though, and hopefully soon enough I'll leave.

@Bold: That's exactly what I think as well. She gets a kick out being the victim and thinks that excuses all sorts of behaviors. I tried to get through to her various times but it doesn't work.

Hi Wiseman, that sure is the plan. And am working towards it. I hope one day I can be away from all the dysfunction and negativity.