I don't view sex as part of love/I view sex as a standalone thing

Ok, so I want to get other peoples' insight on this thing I recently discovered about myself. Now, I wouldn't say this is a "problem" because I have not acted on any of these feelings... However, I do have them and this is something that isn't very easy to express with close people around me.... Except a few.

It started by me realizing, no matter how happy with my girlfriend I am or how much I love her (and I love my current GF more than ever, and want to spend my life with her), that I want to have sex with other girls. The few times that I did talk about this with others, especially online, I simply get trolled and called names and told I'm a cheating pig. Well, for starters, that's not true because I have never cheated... And in the advice business, attacks aren't very helpful. Clearly, this is some kind of concern for me or else I wouldn't be asking. And if I was a pig, I would be out there cheating on my girlfriend rather than getting online wondering what my deal is.

In any event, I started thinking about this... Thinking... Why is it that I love my GF to death (and I've also love ex GFs too), yet I want to screw other girls? Is she not attractive? No, she definitely is and in fact we have the best sex. We both agree that we are each the best sex partner that we've had. Is it that she's not the one for me? Again, I love this woman and want to be with her and only her as my soulmate.

What I realized is that it's a sex issue. For some reason, I don't view sex as part of love. I don't view sex as something you do with someone because you love them. I view sex as a pleasurable experience between two humans in a much more sporty/for fun/casual way. This means that I want to have sex with girls that I am not at all interested in and I sometimes don't want to have sex with girls I love. Sex and love are two entirely indepedent things to me.

Love means that I care about my girlfriend, I would risk my life to save hers, I miss her when I'm not with her, I think about her, I want to be with her and talk to her and etc...

Sex to me, is something you do with a hot girl. That's it.

The problem is, since I don't really see sex as part of love, I therefore don't feel like it should be exclusive with someone you love. I know of course that society totally disagrees with me.. But the truth is, this is how I really feel and the reason I am not sleeping with every hot girl I have the chance to is simply because society frowns upon it/it would break my girlfriend's heart (whom I love; so I would not do this)... But that kinda bothers me... Why dont I WANT to conform?

Now, before you go call me a nutcase, I actually know several others, both male and female around my age and older with a similar viewpoint. Unlike me, they cheat on their spouses, which I would never do. Otherwise, they are heavily liked in our community, work hard, and lead a normal life. I even know a girl who actually cheated on her boyfriend with me at the time because she said that she liked the thrill of it.

I don't like the thrill of cheating and have never done that. However, I do deep down wish to have sex with other attractive girls. I have a desire to try to hit on and hook up with every hot girl I see.

Can anyone relate? Maybe I just have stronger than normal sex hormone levels??? I do remember reading an article by a PhD who said like 90% of guys actually think and dream about other hot girls while having sex with their SO at one point or another, and in fact this is normal so long as they dont act on it... But I just feel like this is not discussed much. Lol.

Im sorry but you say here that your gf is attractive yet you made a thread a few days ago saying she's not. That you have issues with her being overweight, messy, not working out all that.

So i think the problem lies that despite claiming that you love her so much and want to spend the rest of your life with her, fact is, you're not really happy with her or you wouldn't complain about who she is online.

The more you say you're happy the less you are!

I dated a guy once that was honest about this. He said he was crazy about me but every time he was around a hot girl he wanted to be with her. This drove him nuts, he wanted to commit but felt like something was wrong if this was happening. I confided in some guys friends and all three of them told me that they pretty much feel the same way as him (but don't tell their girlfriends). Anyway we broke up lol. Interestingly though, I had one boyfriend who I can say with certainty did not feel that way...and he is a man with some feminine mannerisms. That makes me wonder about the sex hormone levels that you mention.

For me, its the opposite. I only associate sex with love. I have no interest in it otherwise. Even kissing/touching...I have to already be falling in love before that happens. Hence all my relationships start with friendship.

Well, I've done some thinking since then and realized, it may just be what I mentioned above. Reason being, I've dated 2 previous girls who looked almost like super models (and had many nasty issues that my GF doesnt have!) and I ended up having similar feelings of wanting to have sex with other girls. This tells me that it is in fact not the girl, but it is just something inside me (hormones maybe???).

Trust me, I've thought long and hard about this and that is one reason I made this very post after that previous one. I don't think it's an issue with her at all, I think it's just a quirky thing with me like I stated up above. But, the good news is, I no longer see it as a "problem" since life is good when I am with her, and we both really enjoy each others company. I also enjoy caring for her and I miss her on a day to day basis. You said I complain about her online, yet I have not complained about her one bit in this topic! That old topic was a figure of my imagination. I think I was mis-interpreting what was going on and thanks to you guys, and some other things, I've got a better handle on this. Not to mention, Lauren really opened my eyes on how I could improve my own contributions to the relationship.

Also, some of the views expressed in that previous post, I am more thankful for than you may think. They have helped me think all of this through and realize what's really going on here.

Im sorry but you say here that your gf is attractive yet you made a thread a few days ago saying she's not. That you have issues with her being overweight, messy, not working out all that.

So i think the problem lies that despite claiming that you love her so much and want to spend the rest of your life with her, fact is, you're not really happy with her or you wouldn't complain about who she is online.

The more you say you're happy the less you are!

Dear oh dear.

Im sorry but you say here that your gf is attractive yet you made a thread a few days ago saying she's not. That you have issues with her being overweight, messy, not working out all that.

I actually remember that.

I remember OP saying that he worked for a 'dating advice company for men'. Yet, doesn't seem to understand the most basic parts of male nature, or the basics of this game.

Most 'advice for men' isn't about making you a better man at all. It's about making you a better tool. I saw how you allowed people to shame you about not wanting a fat girlfriend in that thread.

I'll make it simple. Men's sexual strategy is to sleep with as many beautiful women as possible. We compromise that strategy for security (or worse reasons such as fear of rejection, insecurity, laziness, etc).

I'll say no more, because I'm getting the impression that you are looking for rationalisations for your situation, rather than understanding.

Care to elaborate a little bit on this? I'm just curious to hear what your outlook on this is.

I'll make it simple. Men's sexual strategy is to sleep with as many beautiful women as possible. We compromise that strategy for security.

I think there are a few things mis-construed between what I said before and what Im trying to say now, or maybe I just suck at writing on forums, but either way, I wont go there so as to avoid all kinds of confusion.

Care to elaborate a little bit on this? I'm just curious to hear what your outlook on this is.

Men are naturally made to procreate with many different women.

We have 15 times the testosterone for a reason.

Monogamy for a man is compromise. The benefit of this compromise is security.

Security ain't so secure anymore though

You describe my feelings exactly. But we're supposed to conform to societal norms, lol.

Men are naturally made to procreate with many different women.

 

We have 15 times the testosterone for a reason.

 

Monogamy for a man is compromise. The benefit of this compromise is security.

 

Security ain't so secure anymore though

Under review.