Married for 3 months, cannot get over feelings of jealousy

I am a newlywed of just 3 months, and my husband and I knew our lives would be changing as soon as we got married. Not only in the literal and legal sense that is marriage, but also physically in that he was required to move out of state to continue with his medical residency. I quit both my jobs and went with as we'd both agreed to do long before marriage. We knew this was going to occurr no matter where he was going to be placed for residency, so that is not the issue.

The issue currently is that despite having been out of my very first longterm abusive relationship for four years prior to my husband and I began dating, the extent of the emotional abuse I'd received during that first ever relationship has lingered far more than I ever anticipated. The cheating and verbal abuse has rendered me unwilling to trust when I want nothing more than to trust my husband. After all, marriage is to be built on the foundation of trust. What I cannot get myself over are inappropriate feelings of jealousy when it comes to the women my husband meet daily at the hospital we now both work at. He has a new group of resident friends while I struggle to enjoy this new job and struggle to make friends, so apart of my jealousy stems from that.

I was so distraught by my feelings one night that I did what a jealous woman does and read my husband's messages on his Facebook. He had been going back and forth with one of his friends about how one of the residents he met and is friends with is "pretty hot". The friend had responded with "oh, I bet your wife will be quite jealous of that," to which my husband replied with "we'll see, it will depend on how much time I actually spend with her. I won't see her much since she is a third year resident and I am just now starting residency." This threw everything into utter chaos, and I am so conflicted now with how I feel, how I should be feeling, and what i should not be reading into.

I understand that both my husband and I (and our families) only just went through a year's worth of wedding planning and our actual wedding which was beautiful and amazing to the nth degree. One side of me is urging me to realize that that is no small feat, and that marriage is (to my husband as he has continuously explained to me) permanent and he would not have married me if he did not feel I was the person to spend the rest of his life with. However, I am someone who is horribly insecure about myself, and I've been stuck in career-limbo as my applications to medical programs have been put on hold for the time being and I have not yet found the success in my own personal career goals the way my husband has. Perhaps this is just jealousy, and I should not be reading so far into this? Perhaps it is normal for spouses to talk about the attractiveness of other individuals to their friends?

I welcome constructive criticism and any/all advice...thank you!

My main advice is -stop snooping! Consider counseling, you need an objective person to talk about all of this with (not your friends). What he wrote was harmless, and not grounds for suspicion. I can understand the frustration of being at home while he is out and in a new circle of people, but if he is a trustworthy man (and I assume you wouldn't have married him if he were not) there is nothing to fear but your own mind. It's hard to recondition yourself after being cheated on and abused, but not everyone cheats and abuses. I hope you guys can support each other until it's your turn to pursue your career. Don't undermine that with baseless suspicion.

It sounds like he and his colleagues are aware of your jealous tenancies. Yes men will notice or joke about hot women. Unfortunately your jealousy has more potential of ruining the relationship than the chances of his ever cheating.

Is this an arranged marriage? Did he ever cheat before? Can you get help for the insecurities?

The friend had responded with "oh, I bet your wife will be quite jealous of that," to which my husband replied with "we'll see, it will depend on how much time I actually spend with her. I won't see her much since she is a third year resident and I am just now starting residency."

You need counseling. It was irresponsible to enter into a marriage with these conditions lingering. Get help sooner than later.

I agree, get some counselling.