Please help... 2 men and only 1 me.

I have a huge issue and really need some advice from a 3rd party that is not family or friends . So here it is

I was married to the same man for 17 years and we have children who are grown now. The relationship was pretty toxic to be honest. He was very selfish and was verbally and physically abusive when we were younger. Also he cheated 2 times. We got married very young 19 and 20. He divorced me about 6 years ago because I couldn't be the woman he needed me to be . I fought the divorce because I loved him but eventually gave in. Well even after the divorce we still were intimate and hung out frequently. He dated. I did not. So 2 years ago he did some changing and wanted to reconcile. I could tell he was a changed man and we started to hang out more. At about the same time I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. We started out as friends and it progressed. Although he lives 700 miles away from me we visited as much as possible. I did not tell one about the other at first. Eventually when things got serious with my high school love. I told my ex about him and that I felt it was over between us. It was not a nice parting. I planned on moving to where my high school love lives. (Which is where my parents also live) so here's my dilemma. Now my ex is wanting to reconcile and try one for time. He is a different man then he was many years ago. I love him. But am not in love with him. I could be happy with him. And he could give me a good life of travelling and such. My kids of course want us together. I am thinking about it. But it breaks my heart to have to hurt my high school love, as I love him too. I am just so confused on what to do. Should I move away and start this new life with my high school flame, or stay where I am currently and try to work it out with my ex 1 more time. I am fearful of what if my ex goes back to his old ways and doesn't think I'm enough for him again. My hs flame showed me in the last 2 years that I was good enough being me and to never change for anyone. And that is something I hadn't felt in 10-15 years. Please let me know what you think. Or any questions you might have. I am desperate and have to make a decision very soon,

Right, so you are thinking about getting back together with the ex. Torn between two lovers....... wasn't that a line from a 70's song? Guys should be so lucky to have problems like that (seriously, good for you)! Let's go through it:

- You said you have fallen out of love with him. You are right. A marriage without love is just roommates or an arrangement with a friend. Do you really want to live a life without love, a life of quiet desperation?

Unlike the movies, once people fall out of love with someone, they can't get it back. You can never go back (but you can fall in love with someone new!).

- You claim he has changed. But waitaminnite....... you have not spent much time with him, you really don't know him. People rarely change much, from a romantic standpoint. People come to you how they are. Sure, he's on his best behavior now because he wants that girl back who loved him, and he does not have another lady waiting in the wings for him. Furthermore, you are not the same lady anymore, at least to him, because you've lost that lovin' feeling. There is no reason for reconciliation here.

- You fear he will revert back to his old ways. Your intuition is correct, as I outlined above.

Listen, I don't mean to sound like a party-pooper...... I understand the kids would love it, you would love to travel, etc. - but those are just perks........ and relationships are not about perks, they are about love. Relationships take work, and the love you feel for your partner is payment for that work. If you don't get paid, you want to quit your job, correct? So, love is the glue and motivation that holds it all together. Love changes everything (almost everything).

Now go get that new man and move on to the next romantic chapter of your life! Enjoy!

I agree with Gary and say go for the High School flame. I think your fears of it returning to how it used to be with the ex are justified and very possible. How did he react when you told him about the high school guy?

Yes, I want to know - does each guy know about the other?

I don't know if I agree with the posts above. You know what you have with the ex. It may not be perfect, but you said he changed and only you know if he's being sincere or not. Who knows what'll happen with the new guy? You don't know him well enough and he could be in the honeymoon phase and after that, do a complete 180. It's familiar vs. unfamiliar, the known vs. the unknown.

But am not in love with him. I could be happy with him.

So... Are you "in love" with your HS Sweetheart?

"Could be" could be an issue. Really though... Let me ask you this... What would make you happy? I don't mean obligated-happy... I just mean happy! Who would you be happier with?

Your ex divorced you. Your relationship is with your kids and co-parenting. Hooking-up was just using you during his dry spells. He has not changed, it's an act. What's the big hurry?

my ex is wanting to reconcile and try one for time. He is a different man then he was many years ago. I am fearful of what if my ex goes back to his old ways and doesn't think I'm enough for him again.

Thanks for the advice. To just have someone else's prospective is so eye opening.

I agree with Gary and say go for the High School flame. I think your fears of it returning to how it used to be with the ex are justified and very possible. How did he react when you told him about the high school guy?

He went crazy. Said some very mean and hateful things to me. Then went out and got a girlfriend.

Yes, I want to know - does each guy know about the other?

 

I don't know if I agree with the posts above. You know what you have with the ex. It may not be perfect, but you said he changed and only you know if he's being sincere or not. Who knows what'll happen with the new guy? You don't know him well enough and he could be in the honeymoon phase and after that, do a complete 180. It's familiar vs. unfamiliar, the known vs. the unknown.

That's one way I thought about it too.

Yes they know about each other, but not about my situation. I've not been honest to my high school love that I am contemplating getting back with my ex.

Your ex divorced you. Your relationship is with your kids and co-parenting. Hooking-up was just using you during his dry spells. He has not changed, it's an act. What's the big hurry?

The hurry is that I originally planned on moving back home (home is where both my parents and high school love lives) in Aug.

Dilemma solved! move forward not back. you been there done that with the ex to the point of divorce. It's an unhealthy attachment. Try things with this old flame, better yet get on dating apps and try that also.

Said some very mean and hateful things to me. Then went out and got a girlfriend.

Dilemma solved! move forward not back. you been there done that with the ex to the point of divorce. It's an unhealthy attachment. Try things with this old flame, better yet get on dating apps and try that also.

Wow. Thanks. You are so correct.

I've always been afraid of dating apps. I'm not sure why though.. haha.

But 1 more question..... when I think of cutting it totally off with my ex and moving forward I get a "heavy heart" feeling and get kind of sad. Do you think it's because we spent so many hears together?

People just think changing the partner will make them happy again. I like this therapist's comment "Put effort into changing your relationship not your partner."

People just think changing the partner will make them happy again. I like this therapist's comment "Put effort into changing your relationship not your partner."

Amen. You cannot change who someone is. And you shouldn't want too.

Correct. Change the relationship which may mean you have to change the way you think and act.

The ex has too many strikes against him.

1. selfish

2.verbally abusive

3.physically abusive

4. cheated

5. cheated again

6. divorced you

7. but still slept with you

It seems to me he was not the man YOU needed HIM to be. Why go back? Sure you loved some things about him, but not the above? I wouldn't go back. You can love someone without being compatible.

I don't know about your high school sweetheart, since it has been long distance.

But 1 more question..... when I think of cutting it totally off with my ex and moving forward I get a "heavy heart" feeling and get kind of sad. Do you think it's because we spent so many years together?

Yes. It's always a little sad to say good bye to the past. But you can't move forward unless you do it. The future awaits!

I won't even read, if he is toxic and selfish why did u stay all those years, why all good stuff he did disappear when u met some douchbag, I will tell u the reality u dont wanna hear, it will backfire on u, u will lose ur husband and kids and end up carrying guilt for the rest of ur life.

This is your wake up call take it or leave it.

I am here to advice u not judge u, I would never be ur husband, pull ur sht together the toxic is u wanna leave the poor man, I am sure he took ur attitude for years.

OK I just read the post fully sorry for saying what I said, I though u r still a wife and not divorced in that case ask him to change and go back to ur kids, dating apps my a** grow up.