Analysing others’ criticism about me

I am in the process of building myself up to become more confident and strong. I am therefore checking where I stand concerning personal boundaries. I have come to see that I lack some emotional boundaries.

After years of being bullied at school, I have still not into my adult years managed to trust completely in my own capabilities and feeling confident about myself. I always wonder if others' criticism about me is true and I start analysing my behaviour. Part of the reason for this is my personality which I can't and don't want to change, but the way I let it control me is unhealthy. Just like I interpret the world around me as in seeking to see all opportunities and categorising them, I am also doing this about criticism coming my way. The unhealthy part is that all the bullying in my childhood made me doubt myself to the point that I am almost sure I did something wrong even when I can't find it or that my behaviour was misunderstood by the criticiser and so I go about explaining everything what might have led to the misunderstanding. This is very draining of my energy and definitely should be worked on. However, I am of the opinion that even when not meaning to treat someone wrongly, one can easily miss to notice that one's own doings and sayings are crossing someone else's boundaries. So I analyse if I have done something wrong. This often leads to the other person enforcing the issue and making me believe I failed completely at this or that. I have ended up in quite manipulative relationships and although I stood up for myself, it still brought me through the ruining process of analysis.

Any suggestions on how I could keep a balanced attitude towards criticism?

I used to feel inferior as a kid and I was bullied by some kids and I did learn to give as good as I got. I dont bully anyone anymore but I understand how kids can do that. As I got older I realized I am just as good as the next person and if they want to say negative things about me, I can't stop that, but I do know it's a reflection on them if they feel the need to downgrade me, it does not reflect on who I really am.

As you get older and more confident in yourself, these feelings you have should dissipate. Be patient with yourself and know that you are indeed a good person and dont let others bring you down.

I used to feel inferior as a kid and I was bullied by some kids and I did learn to give as good as I got. I dont bully anyone anymore but I understand how kids can do that. As I got older I realized I am just as good as the next person and if they want to say negative things about me, I can't stop that, but I do know it's a reflection on them if they feel the need to downgrade me, it does not reflect on who I really am.

 

As you get older and more confident in yourself, these feelings you have should dissipate. Be patient with yourself and know that you are indeed a good person and dont let others bring you down.

Well, I'm not that young anymore and still struggling with my self-confidence. I'm not holding on to whatever they bullied me for. However, I think that the way I react in some situations stems from those childhood experiences. And well, knowing that you have good intentions doesn't mean other's don't misunderstand you. As I am pretty blunt with people, misunderstandings do indeed happen. Or when I get bored in mundane small talks, they might perceive me as arrogant.

So I analyse if I have done something wrong. This often leads to the other person enforcing the issue and making me believe I failed completely at this or that. I have ended up in quite manipulative relationships

One of the first things I'd consider and also bring into counseling, if possible, is why I choose relationships with people who are manipulative.

The first thing to be able to trust about yourself is your willingness to assign trust to others. Blind trust will set you up for unhealthy relationships. Consider learning how to view your trust meter as a scale of 1 to 10, and assign all people you meet a neutral 5. Then observe them over time and allow them to either earn more trust based on trustworthy behavior, which slowly raises their trust score as you come to know them better, or to lose your trust--in which case you walk away.

Given that learning to trust ourselves means choosing relationships where we build one another UP, you'll gain more confidence in your own judgment when you can identify harsh or manipulative behavior from others as the red flag that will prevent you from bonding with this person any further. It doesn't mean you need to make a dramatic exit, but you can become less available and fade them out.

This will help you to be selective about the people with whom you're willing to be vulnerable with your mistakes. We all make them, and your willingness to see them will inspire helpful kindness from people who are worthy of your time rather than harshness and condemnation from people who don't belong in your life in the first place.

Choose your friends carefully, and allow all others to pass through your life without allowing yourself to be bullied.

One of the first things I'd consider and also bring into counseling, if possible, is why I choose relationships with people who are manipulative.

 

The first thing to be able to trust about yourself is your willingness to assign trust to others. Blind trust will set you up for unhealthy relationships. Consider learning how to view your trust meter as a scale of 1 to 10, and assign all people you meet a neutral 5. Then observe them over time and allow them to either earn more trust based on trustworthy behavior, which slowly raises their trust score as you come to know them better, or to lose your trust--in which case you walk away.

 

Given that learning to trust ourselves means choosing relationships where we build one another UP, you'll gain more confidence in your own judgment when you can identify harsh or manipulative behavior from others as the red flag that will prevent you from bonding with this person any further. It doesn't mean you need to make a dramatic exit, but you can become less available and fade them out.

 

This will help you to be selective about the people with whom you're willing to be vulnerable with your mistakes. We all make them, and your willingness to see them will inspire helpful kindness from people who are worthy of your time rather than harshness and condemnation from people who don't belong in your life in the first place.

 

Choose your friends carefully, and allow all others to pass through your life without allowing yourself to be bullied.

Thank you.

I don't trust anyone blindly. I always analyse everything before deciding if I agree with what I'm being told. When I am being manipulated I think the reason is that I am already doubting myself on those points. However, I wrote this post not only to work on my relationships with men, but in a general perspective also including friends, family, colleagues or random people I meet. I have lots of acquaintances who seems to really like me, but I have very few friends. And the main reason why I have few friends is exactly because I am careful not to give my trust to people too fast.

I have a brother who is constantly judging me and never recognising that I do anything well. If he was my age I think I would have just thought that he was jealous, but he is much older than me so he can't possibly be jealous of a « little girl». It makes me feel not good enough even when I prior to his judgements was very happy of my accomplishments. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to listen to me. At family dinners he is interrupting everything I have to say and starting to talk with someone else.

Also, in the work place or networking clubs it is not easy to single out people. I'm trying to be smiling and greeting people, but some people just seems to avoid speaking to me even if I have never met them before.

So I really think I should work on a way to keep a balanced attitude towards criticism and not go through the analysis. Any suggestions?