Bossy coworkers: there's always one in the bunch. How to deal?

I work in a restaurant. I've worked there on and off since about 2009 (I've been in and out of the state). This time I am returning after three years away, but I've done similar restaurant work in some of those interum years, and have been able to remember how to do my job at this restaurant very well (though there's always stuff to improve on). I think the management values me, I know I am payed higher than many of my coworkers (not dramatically higher, but high enough that management wanted me to be discreet). I have felt a little guilty for getting payed more so I've put in extra effort to do a good job, be fast, efficient, thorough and hard-working. Coworkers have made comments about how I am always busy. (Keeping busy while store is slow can be an art I think I'm good at identifying what needs to be done, thinking on my feet when we're in a rush, working fast etc. which is important now that we are understaffed. I know I'm not perfect, but I think I am overall a strong worker/employee, and I generally have my ears and eyes out trying to sense what needs to be done next and where I would be most helpful. I find myself doing certain chores more than other people and/or doing them more thoroughly. On the other hand, I have low self-confidence and tend to ask questions if I don't know something, so I think maybe that gives a bad impression to some people. Maybe those who don't know me well assume this is an invitation to be micromanaged? I only ask the questions so I can know how to do it myself the next time (there are a lot of details to commit to memory), but perhaps my tone and demeanor suggest that I'm a bumbling bumpkin in need of extra help.

I've been working with a few different people and I don't have an issue with most of them. But there is one girl who has not been there that long (maybe six months, she is newest employee if you don't count me), and she has started micromanaging me when we work together. I really don't like it, and I can't tell if she is coming from a good place of genuinely wanting the best outcome workwise, or if it is some power trip, or maybe some of both. I am very shy, can be overly submissive, and can have a hard time knowing what appropriate boundaries are. However being talked down to and managed by a peer is something that makes my blood boil. I'm trying to put this in perspective. There are things I like about her and I would like to have a cordial relationship. At the same time I don't feel willing to let the same pattern of my own submissiveness continue. It feels degrading. I don't know if I'm being petty and making too much of this. I don't know to what degree she is in the wrong and i'm in the right, but my other coworkers don't treat me like this and seem to trust that I can handle my job. I could really use advice in terms of shutting her down in the most appropriate way. I feel like she's overstepping her bounds, whether good intentioned or not, and I feel like she sees me as less competent than I am. I am wondering if somehow I've invited her to overstep her bounds by asking her questions (or if that's how she percieves it). Maybe she thinks she's offering a valuable service, but it also feels controlling, and like she's trying to play at being "manager" when she is my peer. I'd appreciate advice in terms of how I can shut her down and stand up for myself. Or if I'm making too big of a deal about this. Thank you.

Punch her in the nose. She will stop.

Seriously, just tell her to cut the crap. Bullies have to be stood up to. Discussion is not an option.

micromanagement is annoying. can u report her to your manager so that the manager can tell her to stop that?

Honestly, it depends on the type of questions you're asking. If you're asking questions on some pretty rudimentary things, then she may see you as a liability. Not excusing her as it's not her job to supervise you and it's not yours to be supervised by her, but oftentimes, if you're not risking actually damaging something/someone, it's often best to figure things out on your own so that you don't risk yourself a reputation of, for lack of a better term, daftness. It tends to invite these types.

Also, you may feel the senior, but you admit to being in and out. Assuming your most recent "in" has been for less time than this woman has been there, she's not really going to care if you've been there for years. She'll likely consider herself more current at the very least.

I admit I can be someone of an ass when dealing with some of the questions some of the contractors I partner with ask. One of them very obviously makes little or no effort to figure simple things out for herself, and I got to the point where I'd just look at her when she asked something I knew was well within her ability to figure out. After like 5 seconds of looking at her, she would come up with the answer on her own. I admit, a fairly jerk move on my part, but she has since gotten a lot better about figuring stuff out independently and quickly.

You're her peer, so assert yourself like one. If you don't want her help, say, "Thank you, I've got it." If she insists, then you insist. If push comes to shove, you can simply ignore her and perform your job duties.

Another thing I'll mention is there really is such a thing as "working too hard," particularly in restaurant or retail work. A lot of people will see it not as you simply having pride in your work, but you intentionally setting the bar above them. In an environment of competitive salaries and upward mobility, that kind of ethic is viewed a bit more favorably. But not when we're talking min. wage or close to it.

Punch her in the nose. She will stop.

 

Seriously, just tell her to cut the crap. Bullies have to be stood up to. Discussion is not an option.

Haha. The problem is I can't tell if she's a bully, or a well-meaning but naturally somewhat domineering.

micromanagement is annoying. can u report her to your manager so that the manager can tell her to stop that?

Yes, it's super annoying. Management is a little dysfunctional where I work, not sure where reporting it would get me. If it escalates maybe I'll consider it.

Honestly, it depends on the type of questions you're asking. If you're asking questions on some pretty rudimentary things, then she may see you as a liability. Not excusing her as it's not her job to supervise you and it's not yours to be supervised by her, but oftentimes, if you're not risking actually damaging something/someone, it's often best to figure things out on your own so that you don't risk yourself a reputation of, for lack of a better term, daftness. It tends to invite these types.

 

Also, you may feel the senior, but you admit to being in and out. Assuming your most recent "in" has been for less time than this woman has been there, she's not really going to care if you've been there for years. She'll likely consider herself more current at the very least.

 

I admit I can be someone of an ass when dealing with some of the questions some of the contractors I partner with ask. One of them very obviously makes little or no effort to figure simple things out for herself, and I got to the point where I'd just look at her when she asked something I knew was well within her ability to figure out. After like 5 seconds of looking at her, she would come up with the answer on her own. I admit, a fairly jerk move on my part, but she has since gotten a lot better about figuring stuff out independently and quickly.

 

You're her peer, so assert yourself like one. If you don't want her help, say, "Thank you, I've got it." If she insists, then you insist. If push comes to shove, you can simply ignore her and perform your job duties.

 

Another thing I'll mention is there really is such a thing as "working too hard," particularly in restaurant or retail work. A lot of people will see it not as you simply having pride in your work, but you intentionally setting the bar above them. In an environment of competitive salaries and upward mobility, that kind of ethic is viewed a bit more favorably. But not when we're talking min. wage or close to it.

Thanks for the well thought out response. Yes I do think I might come across as less intelligent than I am (daft) due to the fact that I don't always seem sure of myself, I'm very shy, and at times I do ask more questions than I should - but I have gotten much better about this over the years - a lot of it stemmed from working with hyper-critical people who would nitpick about details.

As far as this particular coworker goes, I don't think I've asked her any particularly dumb questions. I've only worked with her a few times, because she doesn't work that many hours. She's been there for about six months, I've been back for about a month. So if you don't count the passed time that I've worked there she's been there longer, but I do work more hours per week than she does. I asked a few questions the other day because I was working a shift I don't normally work and the timeline for getting stuff done was different. In my mind I was being respectful by asking and not just doing it how I would choose to do it. I think maybe she does see me as a liability, and I guess I can see why she has that impression, though I don't think it's fair. I've noticed things that she's done that I could correct her on, but I don't because I know everyone makes mistakes and it's not that big of a deal. I'm pretty sure I'm more competent overall than she is, but she seems to have me under a microscope sometimes. I will try to be more assertive with her. She basically started directing me around when we were closing the other night. She even corrected me for doing something right because she wanted to close quickly. The thing is there are certain things you can skimp on, but this was not one of them, it was extremely basic maintenance, and I know it has been driving my other coworker (much more senior) nuts that this thing hasn't been getting done. (But management is somewhat dysfunctional - and there is not always agreement about this thing).

Thanks for pointing out the thing about working too hard. I can't tell if I am doing that or not. Sometimes I could probably back off, but to be honest my day goes by more pleasantly when I stay busy. I think I'm also working harder because I'm trying to avoid people seeing me as a "liability." People can be very biased. If you lack confidence socially, sometimes it's necessary to overcompensate in other ways so people realize you're not a moron and can handle things.

I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing, but I don't want to be walked all over.

I'd appreciate any concrete/specific ideas for being assertive without being totally rude or creating inordinate conflict. I'm thinking about confronting her directly if it continues, but I guess I don't feel sufficiently self-justified in doing so yet.

Most specifically, what should I do/say when she starts directing me and telling me what to do during closing time? She does it in a "nice" way but it feels ing patronizing, and it's really irritating. I can see for myself what needs to be done, though I might choose to do it in a slightly different order or to prioritize certain things. (I did ask her questions about timing - won't do that again). It was to the point the other night that at times she was actually telling me what to do after I'd already started doing it, or as I was moving in to do it

I never understood the purpose of micromanagement which only makes the supervisor look stupid.

Right, and she's not even a supervisor I think she thinks of herself as someone who's a good leader though, so it might be an identity issue for her.

Why not just keep your distance if she is not your supervisor?

Why not just keep your distance if she is not your supervisor?

We're a very small staff. The other night it was just me and her working together and no one else. (Except for the owner who pops in and out but is not usually involved). The job also involves lots of team work and we have to coordinate with each other. I will do my best to keep my distance next time, but I am assuming she will start telling me what to do anyway. I want to assert myself, but don't know how to do it tactfully. Do you have any ideas? I also get anxious because the few employees that are there now are pretty friendly with each other, some live together, etc. so I really don't want to create drama or anything - as the outsider I think I'd loose. But I can't seem to let it just roll off my back, it really pushes my buttons.

When she tells you say "thanks for letting me know - I hate to inconvenience you like this so how about if I just let you know if I need help with something, ok? I certainly don't want to add to your work".

When she tells you say "thanks for letting me know - I hate to inconvenience you like this so how about if I just let you know if I need help with something, ok? I certainly don't want to add to your work".

Thanks. The issue isn't so much her offering to help, I think I can deflect that, and it hasn't been much of an issue. It's more that she starts ordering me around (nicely) and telling me what to do. For instance the other night I was cleaning something quickly, but I guess she didn't think it was worth doing, so she jumps in and asks me to help her with what she is doing, but says it in a way that implies she thinks I don't know what needs to be done and I'm doing nothing. From there it spiraled into her telling me what to do every step of the way. I would be about to do something, on my way to do something, or even in the middle of doing something, and she would tell me to do what I was about to do or what I was already doing. What can I say when she does this? I want to try to nip it in the bud the next time it starts.

She also will inform me that an order is up etc. as if I hadn't noticed (often I notice before her, though I don't think she realizes this). She does this when we are both in the middle of doing other things, and says it in a tone of voice that sounds kind of commanding (to me at least - but maybe I'm being sensitive). It feels like her indirect way of her telling me to do it (though I could be misinterpreting). I think when this comes up again I'll either ignore her or tell her I'm busy or ask her to do it. But what should I say when she starts directly ordering me around in her nice and helpful tone?

"I know you want to be helpful but it's distracting me from my work when you tell me the details of my job - I would hate to make a mistake because I was distracted - I'm sure you have better things to do then to take on the burden of giving me direction. I appreciate that you care and I promise I'm fine on my own"

Or simply say "You are SO funny!" and then go back to doing exactly what you were doing.

When she tells you say "thanks for letting me know - I hate to inconvenience you like this so how about if I just let you know if I need help with something, ok? I certainly don't want to add to your work".

Oh, I just understood what you meant, that's a good idea. I could imagine her coming back with something along the lines of her being happy to help and/or her wanting to make sure it gets done right, and/or wanting to make sure we close on time. (I can imagine her basically implying that I need her help and implying that she is happy to give it - or she could get a little nasty and question my competence more directly). Any suggestions for dealing with these possible outcomes?

So here's my input. I think we've all run across our fair share of people who tend to micromanage at least one staff member (they usually pick on the least confident, or the newest of the bunch who doesn't know better yet).

These people tend to crave routine, structure, and generally do not want to be disturbed from it. They want you to fit in their groove. They do not want to teach, they will get annoyed if you ask a lot of questions, and will be usually when they start micromanaging.

Do not ask her a bunch of questions. And do not do extra work while with her. Communicate with her - a lot - about what you are doing. Say her name is Michelle. "Ok Michelle, now I'm going to clean out the ice cooler. " She'll like this, trust me.

When she asks you to do something or demands it (the tone, I know!), just treat her like your equal. Is what she asking reasonable and make sense? If so, no problem making things more comfortable for her. Once you get her comfortable, you can start delegating to her. "Ok cool, I've got that. Can you get Table Eight, Michelle?".

They usually get on board once they know they can relax around you.

Well, that's what has worked for me. And now when I manage people like this, I do not put them in training positions. lol. And I communicate changes with them tonnes. They just want to know what is going on, all the time, and don't like change. Keep that in mind and I'm sure you can work with her a team. She might even become someone you like a lot.

So here's my input. I think we've all run across our fair share of people who tend to micromanage at least one staff member (they usually pick on the least confident, or the newest of the bunch who doesn't know better yet).

 

These people tend to crave routine, structure, and generally do not want to be disturbed from it. They want you to fit in their groove. They do not want to teach, they will get annoyed if you ask a lot of questions, and will be usually when they start micromanaging.

 

Do not ask her a bunch of questions. And do not do extra work while with her. Communicate with her - a lot - about what you are doing. Say her name is Michelle. "Ok Michelle, now I'm going to clean out the ice cooler. " She'll like this, trust me.

 

When she asks you to do something or demands it (the tone, I know!), just treat her like your equal. Is what she asking reasonable and make sense? If so, no problem making things more comfortable for her. Once you get her comfortable, you can start delegating to her. "Ok cool, I've got that. Can you get Table Eight, Michelle?".

 

They usually get on board once they know they can relax around you.

 

Well, that's what has worked for me. And now when I manage people like this, I do not put them in training positions. lol. And I communicate changes with them tonnes. They just want to know what is going on, all the time, and don't like change. Keep that in mind and I'm sure you can work with her a team. She might even become someone you like a lot.

Thanks, this was very insightful! I think you might be right about her personality type. I've been taking this advice the best I can for the past couple of shifts (I'm not into communicating every little thing, but she does seem to feel more at ease when I do), and things are going better, though the real test will be when it's just us two working again.