Breaking up with alcoholic girlfriend

My girlfriend and I have dated for about two years. When we started dating I was aware that she enjoyed drinking alot of wine. During the past year she has increased her drinking. She drinks about a box of wine every afternoon now. She has started to let her hygiene go. She doesn't shower everyday. She goes to sleep real early sometimes. I assume because she is too drunk to stay awake. She has also started neglecting parental duties to her 5 year old. The child doesn't show her any respect and she doesn't discipline the child. Some nights she will have a "movie night" in bed so that she can drink and fall asleep in bed while the child watches tv. And just recently she got a dui while on the way to pick up the child. Today I made the decision to break up with her. Mainly because I can't live in a household like this and I don't think I'd be able to trust her if we were to have a child together someday. She has not taken the break up well. She tells me that I can't just throw away 2 years and that this is just a bump in the road. It started with just sadness and crying from her. Now she is being angry with me and making me feel guilty telling me that she can't stop drinking without me and that I'm just running away from a problem. The truth is that I love her, but I think my romantic love for her is gone. I wish her the best and I'll participate in any way I can if she chooses to seek help, but after seeing this side of her I don't feel like she is the person that I want to be the mother of my children some day. I am torn right now. We have put 2 years into a relationship and a part of me feels silly to just throw all that away. I also feel like I am giving up on her. But, another part of me says that I deserve better than this and that I'm hurting myself staying in this relationship. Am I being selfish? Am I giving up too soon?

No only she can help herself. She needs treatment, either professionally or AA, but it won't work if she doesn't want to quit. I feel horrible for her child. If she's drinking to the point of passing out and letting a 5 year old manage unattended I think that's the real concern. Where the child's father? Is he out of the picture?

a part of me feels silly to just throw all that away.

She threw it away when she went to pick her child up from school drunk. She's not healthy and is not someone you can have a good, heatlyh relationship with. You're making the right choice for yourself even if it is hard.

Alcoholics make the worst partners. You are making the right decision. It's her job to get herself sorted out with AA or other professional help. You can't do it for her. She has to hit bottom and then hopefully wake up and work on getting herself sorted out. The victim here is the child. Where is the father? Maybe he should have custody of the kid til mom gets her act together.

I had an alcoholic friend and had to remove him from my life as I couldn't handle him any longer. Truly a sad situation when the booze takes over.

I do not think you are wrong for getting out. My ex was an alcoholic and everything seemed fine at first until we moved into together. I didnt know he has this problem. He would scream and get angry with me just like your girlfriend did to you. I invested 6-7 years with this person as time went. On they abused other drugs and the abuse towards me got worse. When he would get drunk or be under the influence of some drug he would sexually assault me everytime and be physically abusive towards me. He would go on weekly drinking binges and cheat on me with other women and men. It was scary. Be thankful that you do not have kids with person it will make things complicated. No matter how much someone with a drug or alcohol problem says they are going to change they never do. This is a life long battle that your girlfriend will be facing. These people are good manipulators and turn it around and make it feel like its your fault. You end up becoming codependent and work towards trying to make your environment happy and in turn try to keep them happy. I used to work all the time trying to make the environment happy and peaceful. Now that we broke up and I live with my dad the environment is just peaceful I dont have to try. This is how i want my future relationships to be like.

When something goes wrong. No matter how many times my ex said he was going to stop he always ended back up to using. We are not together anymore because of the stress he put me under I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. There is only so much that a person can really take. You deserve to ne happy not be someones social worker who gets abused from time to time. I often felt like significant others social worker and parent. I felt like I was raising a teenager. I am just glad we didnt get married and had kids would have been raising a lid alone while they were out partying everyday.

Thank you all for responding and sharing your stories. Her daughter's father has her every other weekend. He seems to be alright with her when I see them together, but he has also shown signs of not wanting anything to do with her. I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the dui. My girlfriends family would hate me and I'm sure it would ruin any kind of friendship that may still be possible with her. I'm sure he will find out soon enough. I dropped her off at work this morning and the kid at day care. I'm going to pack as much stuff as I can and go back to my parents house. I'm so torn up inside because I can't escape the memory of how great everything used to be and how great it could be if she just didn't drink. I'm going to be strong for myself though. I think I deserve to be a little selfish. If she can't stay sober to pick up her kid then there are bigger problems than our relationship. I can do this. Thank you everybody for giving me an outlet to vent.

"If she just didn't drink" ---- and that is the crux of the matter.

She places the alcohol above all other relationships in her life, including the one with her daughter.

Let me tell you something, and that is that your story completely resonates with mine, I mean down to her behavior when you left and the amount of time you've invested in this relationship.

I left mine almost 3 months ago. Guess what - she CAN stop drinking without you. That is NOT a mother you want for your kids. What if she drives your kid to school and goes past the DUI stage and winds up killing the baby?

It's not silly in the least to throw that away - your ex would LOVE for you to believe that. I'm guessing you feel guilty too. You're giving up too LATE, if anything.

And be prepared. If you do leave for GOOD, you must not participate in her program or whatever. This is something SHE has to do on her own. If she's not going to stick with it for the baby, she's not going to stick with it for you. Sure, she'll tell you she's gone x and x weeks without a drink. She will tell you ANY and EVERYthing, trust me - I've heard it all. Do you go back? Nope. She may even do what my ex did the numerous times I tried to leave: Threaten to kill herself. Barricade me in the house to where I had to call the cops on her. Choke me.

You're gonna need a lot of strength for this. If you want there to be ANY chance of her recovering, you have to remove yourself from this situation. Fully. No contact.

Thanks for your reply. She has in fact hinted at the more serious consequences that you mentioned in your next to last paragraph. She has told me that she is going to go into a "deep dark depression". I really appreciate your reply. It has given me some perspective on what's to come. You're probably also right about how I shouldn't participate in her recovery. I imagine that I'm probably some sort of trigger at this point.

Yep - blaming you for her actions. Typical.

And it has zero to do with triggers, believe it or not. If she has you, she has something else to focus her attention on, instead of the real problem: Her drinking. She has someone to tolerate her behavior. And if you're saying to yourself "Well I'll just set boundaries and put my foot down", then, my friend, you are underestimating the manipulation of an alcoholic.

Yep - blaming you for her actions. Typical.

 

And it has zero to do with triggers, believe it or not. If she has you, she has something else to focus her attention on, instead of the real problem: Her drinking. She has someone to tolerate her behavior. And if you're saying to yourself "Well I'll just set boundaries and put my foot down", then, my friend, you are underestimating the manipulation of an alcoholic.

Seymore

I feel as though what your saying resonates so strongly with me.

I am in a similar situation as the initial poster in that i have had to try to break up with my girlfriend of 4 years this weekend. I wonder if you would consider passing me your email address so I can give you an overview and possibly receive some advice.

I am really battling myself from contacting her and am naturally very cut up about the situation. I don't want to prolong anything but am very impulsive and think with my heart and not my head.

Thanks

Josh