Don't know what to do about old housemate/friend

I have a friend (now maybe more acquaintance) that I've known for ten years and we were housemates for three and a half years. I'm a bisexual woman and she's a lesbian. When we first met when we were really young, we used to have lots of fun always going out to gay night clubs and having house parties. We don't have much in common and our lifestyles and backgrounds are really different, yet we always got along really well and felt comfortable around each other. In particular she made a great housemate because she's really laid back and independent, she gave me lots of space, freedom and privacy, never gave me a hard time, but yet sometimes we would enjoy hanging out with each other and she was good company.

The issue with the friendship is that basically every girlfriend/girl she dated she had for some reason was very mentally unstable and emotionally abusive. They were all very irrational, some downright weird, where they actually stalked her or acted violent. My friend has never had many friends except for me and all the ex-girlfriends were extremely jealous of me and also very suspicious that something was between my friend and I (there never was). Some of them actually wanted my friend to end her friendship with me, which I guess she never officially did. I often got dragged into her dramas with her crazy ex's though and they would abuse me or want information about my friend, etc.

However, every time my friend would find a new girl, she would just totally isolate herself in that relationship (most tried to control her) and sort of ditch me. When we lived together we still saw each other, but in the last two years she moved in with a girlfriend and that girl also was very emotionally unstable, controlling and manipulative, and didn't want my friend to be friends with me. I still invited my friend to a lot of stuff, but she never came to anything and never contacted me. Only like 3 times or so she invited me to a group thing at her place, where her girlfriend was quite cold and y to me. My friend had basically dropped off the face of the Earth, didn't even come to my 30th Birthday and ignored my messages when I tried to do something with her to celebrate.

Now my friend's relationship is falling apart and my impression is it's actually over. So my friend has started contacting me now, inviting me for coffee, and even asking if she could move in with me again (I live alone and have a spare room). I talked to her a bit about her relationship break-up but overall I was really sick of her being such a fair weather friend and ditching me, then always coming back to me when her relationships ended. So I've been distant and not contacting her at all or being that supportive, even though normally I would be.

Now she keeps reaching out to me because her ex has left her and my friend is so heartbroken, and I'm not sure how to respond. I still care about her (as a friend only) but even one time I tried to talk to her about this stuff, I didn't get a good or positive response from her. I wanted to confront her now, but she is so low and heartbroken, so giving her a hard time didn't seem like a good idea....I would still like to keep the friendship maybe, but I want her to show me I really am her friend and not just someone she's using in times of trouble. Should I talk to her about it, or just cut my losses?

Cut your losses. This is not a friend...it's a down on her luck friend. As soon as she revives, she will be off with her next lover.

Cut your losses. This is not a friend...it's a down on her luck friend. As soon as she revives, she will be off with her next lover.

Thanks mhowe, I was kind of thinking the same actually....

She has shown you over and over that she is not your friend. Stop being such a doormat.

Tell her how you feel, and cut this user out of your life.

Cut your losses. This is not a friend...it's a down on her luck friend. As soon as she revives, she will be off with her next lover.

^^^ this...

If anything, do it lightly and tell her she deserves better treatment, and respectfully back out of her life... She had her chance for your support and apparently tossed it aside... Unless you're determined to make a future with her, it just isn't worth it.

This situation happens alot. Friends get ditched or shoved to 3rd or 4th place when a partner comes on the scene. It’s unfair and selfish when done unreasonably.Back away from her. Let her have her space and do not so available for her all the time. She uses you as a therapist whenever things don’t work out in her relationships. If she drifts away, let her be. It means she isn’t a true friend .You will meet new people who give you the time you deserve

People always complain about friends who get caught up in a relationship and drop off the face of the earth.

For the life of me, I can't understand why people can't learn to accept this. Yes, they should have balance. Yes, they should keep up with their friends. BUT they don't. Accept that you'll see them when they're out of a relationship and you won't when they're in one.

Should I talk to her about it, or just cut my losses?

I'm going to go with option no 3: Don't talk to her about it and remain her friend.

Stop trying to change her. Stop trying to talk to her about her relationship or the break up. Just be her friend and enjoy her company. If she's free and you're free and you want to see her, do so. If she's irritating you, limit your contact.

But stop expecting her to conduct her life and relationships the way you do.

(But, ps, no way would I let her stay in the spare room.)

People always complain about friends who get caught up in a relationship and drop off the face of the earth.

 

For the life of me, I can't understand why people can't learn to accept this. Yes, they should have balance. Yes, they should keep up with their friends. BUT they don't. Accept that you'll see them when they're out of a relationship and you won't when they're in one.

 

 

 

I'm going to go with option no 3: Don't talk to her about it and remain her friend.

 

Stop trying to change her. Stop trying to talk to her about her relationship or the break up. Just be her friend and enjoy her company. If she's free and you're free and you want to see her, do so. If she's irritating you, limit your contact.

 

But stop expecting her to conduct her life and relationships the way you do.

 

(But, ps, no way would I let her stay in the spare room.)

Sorry but if people in romantic relationships want to have friends and to be able to get back in touch with those friends when they're single again, I do actually think that they need to put in at least some effort into the friendship, even if they have a partner. I am not unreasonable and actually totally understand that someone's partner is their top priority, but this friend does not actually have many friends at all, she basically had mostly only me and she did even refer to me as her best friend one time. So I don't think it was unreasonable to hear from her at least occasionally or catch up sometimes, seeing as it's not like she has many friends to attend to.

I'm talking about she did not contact me barely at all for two years and she didn't even reply to some of my messages. She said she'd come to my 30th Birthday party, then didn't come, I tried to arrange for us to do something twice afterwards and she wasn't responsive. Now she is contacting me and inviting me out for coffee because her girlfriend broke up with her and she needs me now. She did admit her girlfriend was jealous of me and didn't want us to be friends, so it looks like that's also why she pulled away. I don't think I have to keep putting up with this because I am NOT an ex or her lover of any sort, purely just a platonic friend and always was. All her girlfriends had a problem with me because they can't stand it that she has a friend she spends time with other than them. I'm just not getting anything out of this friendship and this is considering I did actually support her a lot.

I don't understand why people are just supposed to accept that if someone is in a relationship, they can ditch their friends? Of course they may not have as much free time, but they still let their friends know they care. My best friend is married with a baby and she still contacts me all the time and tries to see me as much as possible. So do most of my other friends in relationships. I've never lost any friends when I was in relationships because I never ditch anyone and still keep in touch.

Sorry but if people in romantic relationships want to have friends and to be able to get back in touch with those friends when they're single again, I do actually think that they need to put in at least some effort into the friendship, even if they have a partner. I am not unreasonable and actually totally understand that someone's partner is their top priority, but this friend does not actually have many friends at all, she basically had mostly only me and she did even refer to me as her best friend one time. So I don't think it was unreasonable to hear from her at least occasionally or catch up sometimes, seeing as it's not like she has many friends to attend to.

 

I'm talking about she did not contact me barely at all for two years and she didn't even reply to some of my messages. She said she'd come to my 30th Birthday party, then didn't come, I tried to arrange for us to do something twice afterwards and she wasn't responsive. Now she is contacting me and inviting me out for coffee because her girlfriend broke up with her and she needs me now. She did admit her girlfriend was jealous of me and didn't want us to be friends, so it looks like that's also why she pulled away. I don't think I have to keep putting up with this because I am NOT an ex or her lover of any sort, purely just a platonic friend and always was. All her girlfriends had a problem with me because they can't stand it that she has a friend she spends time with other than them. I'm just not getting anything out of this friendship and this is considering I did actually support her a lot.

 

I don't understand why people are just supposed to accept that if someone is in a relationship, they can ditch their friends? Of course they may not have as much free time, but they still let their friends know they care. My best friend is married with a baby and she still contacts me all the time and tries to see me as much as possible. So do most of my other friends in relationships. I've never lost any friends when I was in relationships because I never ditch anyone and still keep in touch.

Tiny,

The majority of people would not accept this treatment. Ignore the above advice.

The girl does not have your best interests at heart, and is not a friend. She simply contacts you to use you as a sounding board.

....I would still like to keep the friendship maybe, but I want her to show me I really am her friend and not just someone she's using in times of trouble.

...and I'd like to win the lottery ; )

She's not going to show you that. Pick whether you like her enough 'As Is' or not. If not, then skip her, because reforming her isn't your job.

The woman picks unstable lovers who are jealous of you, and she's too insecure in her relationships to challenge them by standing solid in her friendship with you. That's not likely to change in the future, no matter what kind of admissions or promises you might try to rope out of her.

She's too weak to pursue 'healthy' lovers, and she's too weak to put a friend in front of her love life. You know this about her, so why position yourself for a fruitless struggle? Why set her up to 'fail' you, when you have more power of observation and insight than that?

You've held enough fondness for this woman to see her a few times over the last few years, so one option might be to keep it that occasional. Meet for brunch or a shared interest, but don't invite her to stay with you and don't raise any confrontations about the past.

She can't change the past, and you can't manipulate the kind of outcome you want from someone that spineless. Sure, you can make her feel lousy and nail her down to making a promise she won't likely keep. You can get a weak person to agree to anything--but then you've just imposed the kind of guilt on them that will make your decision FOR you, and you won't likely see them again.

It's your call.

Your ignoring the fact that this is in fact the true nature of your friend.

It's not her current girl-friends, or ex-girlfriends fault, your friend picks these people as she's cut from the same cloth. Your friend relates to these people because she's the same.

I agree with everyone else, just get rid of her.