Thinking of breaking up with my fiance

Hi everyone, I need some relationship advice because I'm not sure I can tell these things to people in my personal life. I have been with my (now) fiance for almost four years. Dated over two years and have been engaged since last summer. Since a few months into our relationship we've had issues. I found a few FB messages over the course of our first year together that caused a lot of trouble, although he says they were just innocent messages and he didn't cheat... which I believe, he still lost my trust for a long time. We worked to rebuild that trust but as time went on each fight just kept bringing up the past that I never got over. We were doing good for a few months and he proposed to me and at first I was super excited, we began planning a wedding and I think I was on a high of being engaged and telling people about it. As time went on I realized that I sort of feel off about the whole thing and I don't even know why. I've completely stopped planning the wedding and our plan as of now is to just do it at city hall (not too happy about that). I don't even want to change my last name and because of his current job situation, we won't be living together in the near future. He is a truck driver so he is only home on weekends and sometimes he doesn't come home weekends, and I prefer not to live alone.

Anyway, down to the reasons I am considering breaking up. For starters, the distance has put such a strain on us that we don't have sex anymore. In the beginning we did it all the time but as time went on I felt like he wasn't doing as much to please me in the bedroom as I was to him. In the past 6 or so months we've only had sex twice! I know that he wants it but for me I feel like it is pointless because I don't end up having an orgasm and he does so I feel a bit of resentment in that respect. Obviously his job and the uncertainty of when we will have a normal situation (living together) also puts a strain on things. All of my friends are happy and settled down in relationships and part of me feels jealous because I don't feel as happy as they are. The thing thats causing me such uncertainty is obviously the history we've built together and the fact that I feel like we could be perfect together.. but something is just missing. In all other aspects we are great together. We have lots of things in common and the times we do spend together are great but I feel like there is passion missing and excitement. Has anyone been through this? This is my first relationship that has lasted this long (my previous was 2 years) so I'm not sure if this is a normal part of being together for so long or should this be a deal breaker.

So you are getting married...why? You don't trust him, there is no intimacy, you won't be living together? What is the point?

In regards to the trust thing, we've rebuilt that. I've gotten over what happened in the beginning of our relationship so for me it isn't a reason I am considering breaking it off. The main reason is the no intimacy + lack of excitement. Although his job is what it is, it's not something he plans on doing forever and has even talked about finding something else in 2016 for the sake of our relationship. My main thing is I feel like something is wrong with me. I have this great guy who everyone tells me I am lucky to have, yet I am ready to throw it all away. Intimacy is and should be a huge part of any relationship and as much as I know he wants to work on it, for me the ship has sailed in that respect. I don't feel like I could ever be pleased by him because so much time has passed from the days of us having great sex (sorry to put it so bluntly). For me, our relationship has evolved into a really great friendship. I guess part of me is sad that it is coming to this.

Well, that makes sense. And while you may lose the friendship if you break the engagement, I certainly wouldn't marry someone I didn't feel passionately about regardless of what anyone else thought.

Well I have a little experience with the distance thing, not as bad as yours but I dated and was engaged to a farmer and farming is a lot of work and even though he is at home he is not. His attention was to the farm and not to me and I didn't want to be alone either, especially when he would go away for a month sometimes for a job. You have got to be happy with yourself enough that being alone is ok and that you can go out with friends when he is not there. You cannot just throw that all away because you don't want to be alone. That was one of my mistakes. I didn't break up with him, he broke up with me but after time went on, acting like I couldn't stand being alone and always wanted him, it put a strain on him and made him think that I was some needy person so that was one of the reasons he lost interest in me. Men love independent women, especially farmers and truck drivers because they know that their girl can take care of themselves when they are away. Yes it does suck at times but it makes you appreciate the times you do have with him. The sex part, us women have a harder time to orgasm than men do so don't worry that is normal, it just really all depends on how he is rubbing you that stimulants you the best. The most important thing though that you should do is talk to him about how you feel, open up to him and when he is away take that time to do some self reflecting. It could be that you have insecurities that you do not know about with you or just don't want to amid it. I was there once I was insecure about myself and I relied on my ex-fiancé to make me happy and to be there when he could not and that drove us apart. It could also be that you are scared to get married and that fear will drive away any feelings for your loved one until you get it resolved within yourself. Do not look and compare yourself to other people. They are not you! This will also drive away happiness within yourself and your relationship. Look at all the good times you had with him. Do not make a decision this big without first trying to fix it. Everyone goes through a hard time during their relationship and people who say that whoever the right one is, you will never face a hardship in your relationship is wrong. Too many people give up on relationships too quickly and without fighting for it first unless it is abusive than walk away.

Also you must let go of the past, that was another mistake of mine. Let go of all those things. Don't hold onto it as it will only tear open the wound more and you will never heal from it. Start dating each other again and get that excitement and intimacy back again. Couples do this all the time. Lose that feeling because they stop dating and chasing after each other. They fall into a rut which is what happened with you. Talk to him about how you feel about that and tell him lets start dating again. Chase each other! Talk to him about the marriage too, postpone it if you have too there is nothing wrong with that. If you have a great guy than don't throw it away because of that. You will go on with life feeling empty if you feel as though sex is the main thing because it is not, trust me. Yes it does feel nice and good but it will get you nowhere. My ex-fiancé I admit wasn't the best one and my most recent ex, he was getting abusive to me, was the best I ever had and yes he could get me to orgasm, heck he got me to orgasm three times in a row but you know what I would trade that all for my ex-fiancé back. I do not care even if he wasn't the best. To me, he was the best and I would do anything for him back. Don't make the same mistakes I made and lose something that could have possible been the best thing that ever happened to you. Yes it may not seem like it now but if you did break up with him and than one day you wake up and see that you just lost the moon while counting the stars.

If you're talking yourself into getting married simply because your friends all are or have then I would say that is exactly the very best reason not to do so. Or you'll end up in divorce court one day saying, "Well, that was stupid."

And yeah, what mhowe said. What's the point of even having a relationship let alone marrying the guy? If something is missing, trust me, marriage will not put it there, it will widen the gap. My first marriage was a lot like what you describe, neither of us were bad people or particularly at fault, we simply married each other for the wrong reasons and were not compatible. Something was missing and it took us ten years to admit that. I've married again a few years ago and the difference is night and day.

All I can tell you is don't get married until you don't feel anything missing. You should be able to say life is better and more complete with this person you marry and know that 1,000 percent. I held off marrying my current husband for months, because I told him I was not willing to ever divorce or marry again. I wanted to know it would be for life and this time it is. That's what you want.

Thank you for the advice everyone. @Miracleshappen, you're right.. it's not something I want to just throw away but at the same time as ParisPaulette said, it's better to come to a decision before we get married rather than down the line.

If you're talking yourself into getting married simply because your friends all are or have then I would say that is exactly the very best reason not to do so. Or you'll end up in divorce court one day saying, "Well, that was stupid."

 

And yeah, what mhowe said. What's the point of even having a relationship let alone marrying the guy? If something is missing, trust me, marriage will not put it there, it will widen the gap. My first marriage was a lot like what you describe, neither of us were bad people or particularly at fault, we simply married each other for the wrong reasons and were not compatible. Something was missing and it took us ten years to admit that. I've married again a few years ago and the difference is night and day.

 

All I can tell you is don't get married until you don't feel anything missing. You should be able to say life is better and more complete with this person you marry and know that 1,000 percent. I held off marrying my current husband for months, because I told him I was not willing to ever divorce or marry again. I wanted to know it would be for life and this time it is. That's what you want.

I could not have said it better. Please re-read this, OP. Again and again and AGAIN.

Same story as me. Problems only become MORE amplified after marriage, not less. The things you are feeling are more related to you, the comparison you are doing with yourself and other women, and feeling complacent. All of which are NOT reasons to get married. You know something is wrong, then DON'T go through with it.

Only you live your life, you can't compare it to others. You are the one that would have to live this passionless marriage, just you. It's your choice.

Lose that feeling because they stop dating and chasing after each other. They fall into a rut which is what happened with you. Talk to him about how you feel about that and tell him lets start dating again. Chase each other! Talk to him about the marriage too, postpone it if you have too there is nothing wrong with that. If you have a great guy than don't throw it away because of that. You will go on with life feeling empty if you feel as though sex is the main thing because it is not, trust me. Yes it does feel nice and good but it will get you nowhere..

The problem is they aren't even married yet!! If this is what is happening before the marriage, what would happen after?

He can be a great guy and you can be a great girl, but that in and of itself does not make you compatible in a relationship.

Intimacy is not everything, but it is VERY important. A relationship without sex is called friendship. You HAVE to be compatible in this subject, no matter what that means.

Because if you aren't, whoever isn't feeling fulfilled will find it elsewhere, either by cheating or ending the relationship altogether.

You should trust your gut. You know how you feel, these feelings are happening for a reason. I didn't trust my gut, and I married a man I should not have.

Not every relationship can or should be fixed. Sometimes people are just incompatible, but they refuse to accept that fact.

The problem is they aren't even married yet!! If this is what is happening before the marriage, what would happen after?

 

He can be a great guy and you can be a great girl, but that in and of itself does not make you compatible in a relationship.

 

Intimacy is not everything, but it is VERY important. A relationship without sex is called friendship. You HAVE to be compatible in this subject, no matter what that means.

Because if you aren't, whoever isn't feeling fulfilled will find it elsewhere, either by cheating or ending the relationship altogether.

 

You should trust your gut. You know how you feel, these feelings are happening for a reason. I didn't trust my gut, and I married a man I should not have.

 

Not every relationship can or should be fixed. Sometimes people are just incompatible, but they refuse to accept that fact.

You are right. At the same time, I am 27, I feel like at this point in my life I shouldn't be having to consider counseling or figuring out ways to spice up our love life. These are things that I would expect down the line in my life (realistically speaking, although this is not always the case with couples).

You are right. At the same time, I am 27, I feel like at this point in my life I shouldn't be having to consider counseling or figuring out ways to spice up our love life. These are things that I would expect down the line in my life (realistically speaking, although this is not always the case with couples).

Yes, yes, and YES!!!! If you are having these kinds of problems now, what about after you've been an "old married couple" for 10, 20, 30 years?

Not always the case, but intimacy usually does die down a lot as the years go on. It can remain vital, but not without effort. I'm concerned for you that as a healthy, virile, young man, he does not seem to be wanting to make the effort. This, to me, does not bode well for the future.

Just remember, marriage does NOT solve problems that already exist in the relationship. If anything, the opposite. They become more amplified over the years. Many people (men and women) often

stop thinking that have to try at all, now that they "have you". People that think this way also usually only get worse in that attitude as time goes on.

It's up to you what you want to do. No relationship is perfect, it's true. However, sexual compatibility is extremely important. IMVHO, people who think it isn't are lying to themselves.

This is the time in your lives when you should be all over each other and can't get enough. You're in your honeymoon phase, you aren't even married yet.

Take it from me, once you are married and time goes by, it is even MORE important to be able to work together, talk through problems, and not take each other for granted.

Time to be honest with yourself, Is this the guy you can see yourself doing this with or not?