Working on it

I figured I'd right a post to update everyone on my situation. Though I can't quite says that anyone's really dying to know my deal. But I feel like i'm going to need more help from this forum and I want to stay in touch as time goes on. I like forums because people aren't scared of being honest with you…even thought that honesty can feel hard to take at first.

So I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2.5 years. When we started dating I knew nothing of relationship needs, not what they were, why they were important and what mine are, yes I'm 30 and still clueless. lol I've dealt with depression and alcoholism in my 20's, most relationships I've had were about being cheated on, lied to and generally emotionally abused…and I never had much thought about what a normal healthy relationship is. So 2.5 years into dating my live-in bf, my gut started insisting to me…at first only once in awhile, but eventually every single day that I need to run. I was told to try working on things, but broke up with him last weekend, only to ask him 2 days later to forgive my freak-out-athon and we try to actually work on things. In his defense, he did say he was willing to work on "telling me nice things"…I just didn't believe him.

So for now, I have therapy to try to learn to be less "anxiously attached" which is actually a form of attachment in adult relationships. Most people form their attachment styles as a young child, but I think my 20's were enough to change my healthy attachment to an unhealthy one. I have self-confidence and self-esteem to work on, to try to improve my attachment style and become more "securely attached". I also need to express my relationship needs to my boyfriend and more bravely/strongly pursue arguments/painful discussions with him. I figure giving this a solid go for 6 months…him trying and my trying, should really help determine whether or not we should be together.

I guess I still feel very sad because of how confused I am. I'm still very much turned off by the thought of marrying him one day and still sad that I have to ask my boyfriend to please tell me he's attracted to me. I'm still sad that being with him makes me feel so small. And mostly I'm sad that I don't even know if what I typed is actually true…or if I'm just living in the results of all the stress and lack of communication that culminated to where I am now. Maybe I'm still so anxiously attached and fearful, that that's the only reason I feel those negative things right now.

Before I met him, I had this dream I'd meet someone who'd understand me, a deep connection and naturally appreciate me and it wouldn't be so hard. I'm tired of hard. I wanted this part to be easy…at least easier. I know they say relationships take work and can be hard, I just didn't think this was what they meant. One day at time. I can do it. I'm just a little heartbroken that it has to be this way. I thought surely, someone would come along and I wouldn't have to spell out everything to him…and that we'd at least know how to argue. I don't know. Take it one day at a time I guess. Stop thinking/worrying about marriage and just focus on myself. If I get stronger and braver and love myself more, and 6 months has passed and I still don't see a future with him, if I still feel unappreciated and small, then it's time to go.

I figured I'd right a post to update everyone on my situation. Though I can't quite says that anyone's really dying to know my deal. But I feel like i'm going to need more help from this forum and I want to stay in touch as time goes on. I like forums because people aren't scared of being honest with you…even thought that honesty can feel hard to take at first.

 

So I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over 2.5 years. When we started dating I knew nothing of relationship needs, not what they were, why they were important and what mine are, yes I'm 30 and still clueless. lol I've dealt with depression and alcoholism in my 20's, most relationships I've had were about being cheated on, lied to and generally emotionally abused…and I never had much thought about what a normal healthy relationship is.

This is completely normal. Most people don't reach maturity until early/mid/late 30s. And some NEVER do.

Things you went thru apply to most as well....

So 2.5 years into dating my live-in bf, my gut started insisting to me…at first only once in awhile, but eventually every single day that I need to run. I was told to try working on things, but broke up with him last weekend, only to ask him 2 days later to forgive my freak-out-athon and we try to actually work on things. In his defense, he did say he was willing to work on "telling me nice things"…I just didn't believe him.

 

So for now, I have therapy to try to learn to be less "anxiously attached" which is actually a form of attachment in adult relationships. Most people form their attachment styles as a young child, but I think my 20's were enough to change my healthy attachment to an unhealthy one. I have self-confidence and self-esteem to work on, to try to improve my attachment style and become more "securely attached". I also need to express my relationship needs to my boyfriend and more bravely/strongly pursue arguments/painful discussions with him. I figure giving this a solid go for 6 months…him trying and my trying, should really help determine whether or not we should be together.

 

I guess I still feel very sad because of how confused I am. I'm still very much turned off by the thought of marrying him one day and still sad that I have to ask my boyfriend to please tell me he's attracted to me. I'm still sad that being with him makes me feel so small. And mostly I'm sad that I don't even know if what I typed is actually true…or if I'm just living in the results of all the stress and lack of communication that culminated to where I am now. Maybe I'm still so anxiously attached and fearful, that that's the only reason I feel those negative things right now.

 

Before I met him, I had this dream I'd meet someone who'd understand me, a deep connection and naturally appreciate me and it wouldn't be so hard. I'm tired of hard. I wanted this part to be easy…at least easier. I know they say relationships take work and can be hard, I just didn't think this was what they meant. One day at time. I can do it. I'm just a little heartbroken that it has to be this way. I thought surely, someone would come along and I wouldn't have to spell out everything to him…and that we'd at least know how to argue. I don't know. Take it one day at a time I guess. Stop thinking/worrying about marriage and just focus on myself. If I get stronger and braver and love myself more, and 6 months has passed and I still don't see a future with him, if I still feel unappreciated and small, then it's time to go.

Lot of people deal with the same as above, trust me.

You lose focus on YOUR needs and just do things to get by. Some call it rug sweeping or "ignoring the issue".

You need to learn to deal with issues as they come. Think of "issue" as a snow ball rolling down the hill. Longer it rolls, bigger it gets and bigger the crash at the bottom. Deal with issues right away, do NOT ignore them!!! There is a reason why it's an issue.

Things you pointed out above are complete deal breakers. End this relationship, it's not going to work long term.

Focus on yourself for next couple of months. Heck, write down a list of "must haves", "wants", deal breakers. Don't get too anal but know EXACTLY what you are looking for and know exactly what you don't want.

Then you go and find that person. Assume people don't change, EVER, cause that is the truth. Take the person for who they are TODAY. And if you do find a person that is able to change....chances are you have a good one on your hands.

You can refer to my previous 1 million posts on what to do when you break up. But to give you a summery, break contact/block/ignore, 3-6 months, daily physical activity and healthy diet and become the best person you can be during that time, cause the best relationship advice I've ever heard is "we only end up with people that WE ARE".

Better person you become, the better person you will attract and end up with.

I also have a feeling a lot of your cloudiness, ignoring and not dealing with stuff stems from early intimacy in the relationship. Hold off on that until you know the person WELL. Getting intimate too early has WAY more cons than pros (for both parties involved). It puts the relationship into over drive and forces us to miss important things/red flags. We get cloudy and blind to the obvious.

Good luck

I have self-confidence and self-esteem to work on, to try to improve my attachment style and become more "securely attached"

Attachment styles tend to be hard wired. I fall in the spectrum of `anxiously attached' and I have worked on it for years.

It's still my style. I for the most part own it. But what I am able to do is recognize it and flip a switch to dealing with things rationally rather

than emotionally. I can tell when it kicks in and I am able to work around it and for me it's pretty manageable.

It's taken years of work to get here, tho.

I think fighting it is an act futility. Embracing it lessons the struggle.

Continue educating yourself and YES . .. working on your self esteem and boundaries is more than half the battle.

Learn to have a voice. Believe in yourself and know that you deserve it!

So for now, I have therapy to try to learn to be less "anxiously attached" which is actually a form of attachment in adult relationships. Most people form their attachment styles as a young child,

Just food for thought ~ You are correct. Your attachment style was formed due to your up bringing.

Anxiously attached typically didn't have their needs met as a child.

It's probably not a surprise you are with someone who challenges your attachment style and you are struggling to rewrite history picking partner who isn't meeting your needs. Recognize you'll be attracted to these types for this reason.

Yeah, they do say that anxious are attracted to avoidant. I don't think my bf is avoidant, I think he's securely attached. But it's a VERY securely attached. He doesn't run from commitment...either relationship or speaking of marriage, but he could probably walk away from this relationship with an exceedingly low amount of sadness/heartbreak…in terms of any breakup. He said so himself, so I'm not saying that for him. It's hard to explain, and I guess hard for me to understand too…someone so logical with matters of the heart. I was in hell the day after I broke up with him. Though, anxiously attached…means also, very anxious when detached…I read that an anxiously attached essentially is in some sort of "brain panic" to get back their loved one, even if they're the ones to say "go"…subconsciously the mind is trying to do anything to get that person near them again.

If it's true that it's really hard to change an attachment style, then I can see this relationship not working out for sure.

I guess I think of my parents' marriage, which is 37 years long now…and my mom puts up with most of this stuff that I put up with, from my dad. So I don't think my dad or her understand why I'd want to leave a guy that seems perfectly normal. Though my mom has told me explicitly that they only want me to be happy. I'm not very forgiving with myself when I see that others put up with significant others who don't compliment them, so why can't I? I'm not them. They didn't have my life. My mom is very assertive, even dominant…maybe this is why she's okay with a man who doesn't give her compliments. Maybe it's because they got married after 9 months of dating and in her religion, you just don't get divorced. Maybe I shouldn't use other people's relationships to rationalize mine. If I need someone to reassure me and be there for me positively, then I'd be best off accepting that as who I am. Maybe this isn't a negotiable or "shameful" need as I seem to see it. I guess I think it's a bit of a weakness to NEED compliments and reassurance, when other people can get along without it. But that's not in alignment with who I truly am…you are who you are and you need what you need…it doesn't matter if you wish it weren't true, in fact wishing it weren't true only makes things worse.

Sounds to me like you have been around your parents so long, what they have is what you believe "relationship shoudl be" and are repeating your mothers mistakes.

Sorry, but woman shouldn't have to "put up" with any disrespect, mistreatment or abuse.....or be in a relationship that doesn't' make them happy.....because of religion....or kids or ANY other reason.

Used to be that Marriage was more of "preserving family fortune", that is old and outdated.....and I'm sure many still do it. But you end up with crappy relationship and find happiness elsewhere.

Don't accept relationships you don't enjoy, that don't make you happy or don't meet your needs.

Simple as that.

And yes, you will see TONS of broken/toxic marriages out there. Don't assume they are ALL like that. We never hear about "great" things, just about "bad" things.

For whatever it's worth, 20 years of marriage here and I'm the happiest guy on the planet. I'm blessed and love my life/marriage. Wouldn't change 1 thing if I can go back.

You see? No one cares. hehe

I think fighting it is an act futility. Embracing it lessons the struggle.

This is what I try to say when people bring up those anxious feelings, but I guess sometimes it doesn't come accross when I say it? Anyway, I think the people who have learned to accept and embrace their anxiety, can sit with it and learn what it has to teach them. People who haven't developed the tools to do that, try to fight and fight and fight and it makes things worse until they just have to act to make the anxious feelings stop. They'll do anything and believe it was the "right" thing to do if it just makes the anxiety go away. Often I think these aren't good long-term decisions, but they get heavily validated by the cessation of anxious feelings.

I agree with you really, though I'd caution against too much independent education until she's learned some tools to help cope with the anxiety since learning about yourself can itself be anxiety provoking.

You need to find a man that compliments you.

There are great fits for your/our types.

I know I need to have someone who's consistent. Whatever that may be.

Whether they contact me once a week or once day. Whatever it looks like, I don't need much. Just be consistent.

Someone who is really direct and communicative. Doesn't leave me guessing or trying to mind read.

Funny how most of my best girlfriends are brutally honest. I don't think this is by accident.

I don't like wondering where I stand with someone. Just tell me! And in return I will do the same.

The way you describe your guy would trigger me all over the place.

I grew up in a family where my dad travelled, we lived over sees and my world was pretty small.

I adore my mom but she's pretty stoic and detached and my brother took off when he was 16.

I was the 'good kid' but good kids don't get much attention because they aren't much bother. For the most part I raised myself.

Having raised kids myself, I can see now how much I didn't get as a kid.

TM. . do you wrestle with anxiety?

Sorry, but woman shouldn't have to "put up" with any disrespect, mistreatment or abuse.....or be in a relationship that doesn't' make them happy.....because of religion....or kids or ANY other reason.

Except that a relationship shouldn't be the source of anyone's happiness. It should be a strong foundation on which to build happiness and weather the storms of life, but asking a man to "make a woman happy" is, I believe detrimental to relationships as whole. It enables projection. "I'm not happy, must be my partner's fault because...A,B,C." Sure relationship dynamics play into your overall happiness, but the idea that someone else should just hand you joy has sunk so many relationships and caused so much heartache that just the phrase "make me happy" turns my stomach.

 

I grew up in a family where my dad travelled, we lived over sees and my world was pretty small.

I adore my mom but she's pretty stoic and detached and my brother took off when he was 16.

I was the 'good kid' but good kids don't get much attention because they aren't much bother. For the most part I raised myself.

Having raised kids myself, I can see now how much I didn't get as a kid.

This is the case for me too, and most people that were raised by "Me" generation or post WW2 generation. You see, kids back then were like toys, something that fulfilled the image of family. Think of it like a display case on the shelf hehe. And based on my parents involvement and actions, it's true. You see, after great depression and WW2, parents were soo poor and went thru hell, so they wanted to give their kids the best life possible. This meant, spoiling them to no end.

And as you might already know, spoiling your kids is probably the worst thing parent can ever do. It makes people selfish, arrogant and inconsiderate.

And you know what they say, when you have kids you get to see how messed up or great your parents really were.

In general, I will say I had good parents. They put clothes on my back, were around (mostly, but not always) and did give me a good environment.

But their involvement and time investment with me was just horrible. 1 week of my fatherhood is equivalent to my fathers ENTIRE fatherhood when it comes to involvement/engagement and time. I can count the # of times he came out to play sports, played with me on one hand.

YEAH

And my kids have balls to complain about me when I spend an entire day playing sports and doing family things hehe

But of course, they get TOO much attention thanks to my parents not giving me enough.

Up next, their kids will get no attention, and those kids will be the great parents (I hope not, but that seems to be the cycle hehe)

T.M. you talk about my anxiety so much you give me more anxiety! haha I'm on a strong dose of Lexapro which combats both depression and anxiety, I've been on that dose for 6 weeks now…otherwise I've been on other anti-depressant meds for 10+ years now…I say that so the "anti-drug" people don't chime in and tell me to run away from my doctors. I've tried many times to get off anti-depressants, and have only found I need to be on them long term, or I'll relapse into depression. It's one of those truths I've come to accept.

Yes, anxiety is a big part of this and yes, my break up attempt was fueled by anxiety. There's an underlying message the anxiety that I've been experiencing…and that is that I don't know if I'm in a good relationship for myself…I've come to accept this better now. I know I have doubts and I'm going to give things time…I'm going to work on myself and see if my boyfriend will change (yes, change is probably futile. haha) I am taking steps now to work on the anxiety, my therapist is on board with motivating me into some meditation/relaxation time. Now, I know what the anxiety was about and I have a plan…I'm not worried about the anxiety anymore, it's fine, it can do whatever it wants. lol

And I want to add that I don't truly expect a relationship to "make me happy"…as in I know that's an internal job and you can only be as happy as you were while single, once in a relationship. It's more that I expect to be loved and appreciated…I have so much to give someone else, that it makes me sad when I don't see that they appreciate that and they don't care to cherish my place in their life. That's the part that makes me sad, and unhappy…not that he isn't my personal cheerleader and wish granter.

Reinventmyself has pointed out some good things, being an anxiously attached type herself.

DOF. . Post divorce and therapy, my mother was asking a lot of questions because she knew one talks about `their family of origin' in therapy.

After some time and many questions, I told her everything. It wasn't easy for her to hear but I was compassionate and non blaming.

Our parents generation were not taught parenting skills. They did they best they had with what they had.

My parents were raised the same why they raised me. The legacy continues until you know better.

I was a text book mom . .I read all sort of things about child development (too much time on my hands) and ultimately was the

warm fuzzy, hands on, connected mom.

I think I did a pretty good job in spite of being divorced, my boys are pretty centered. AND my parents own their limitations and have apologized.

Not that I was looking for that!! but it was life changing moment, none the less.

Sorry Driven. . didn't mean to highjack your thread. I'll be quiet now ;]

 

Reinventmyself has pointed out some good things, being an anxiously attached type herself.

I am actually anxious/avoidant. . .

Tons of fun!!

Highjack away, I don't mind. I like to hear about how everyone else was raised. I guess I don't pinpoint myself as having a neglected childhood. But I do recall having a completely awful relationship with my mom…I wouldn't let her anywhere near me when I was elementary school age. My parents were very much raised with the "farmer mentality"…you're as good as your work ethic is. And also strict obedience…I think her constantly demanding me to drop everything and do what she said got me so bitter, I didn't want anything to do with her. And my dad was super submissive/quiet…so it's not like the void was filled there. I remember being terrified of either of them knowing when I was sick…the thought of them worrying about me, made me squirm. Plus I was born with partial facial paralysis…perfectly fine, but the nerve damage on the right side of my face gives me an asymmetrical smile…I don't know the psychology there of how having a birth defect like that affects mother-child relationships…especially back before the time of the internet. Who knows what kind of subconscious effects could come into play there. I don't harbor any anger at them for any of that, they were just doing the best they knew…but if I have kids one day, especially a girl, I'm going to love the crap out of her. lol And tell her she's beautiful no matter how she looks or what anyone says.

Except that a relationship shouldn't be the source of anyone's happiness. It should be a strong foundation on which to build happiness and weather the storms of life, but asking a man to "make a woman happy" is, I believe detrimental to relationships as whole. It enables projection. "I'm not happy, must be my partner's fault because...A,B,C." Sure relationship dynamics play into your overall happiness, but the idea that someone else should just hand you joy has sunk so many relationships and caused so much heartache that just the phrase "make me happy" turns my stomach.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I think you took my words a little bit too literally and ran with it....

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I think you took my words a little bit too literally and ran with it....

 

I do that for the people who are reading and might be thinking "Yeah, so-and-so should make me happy". Unchallenged that notion allows for rampant projection of one's unhappiness onto someone else who's clearly not doing their job or you wouldn't feel this way.

TM. . do you wrestle with anxiety?

I've never been diagnosed. I do wrestle with myself alot.

I'm still very much turned off by the thought of marrying him one day and still sad that I have to ask my boyfriend to please tell me he's attracted to me. I'm still sad that being with him makes me feel so small.

These are perfectly valid feelings, and they're likely independent of what you're trying to 'fix'.

It's my hope that your therapy will give you the strength to recognize your feelings and intuition as important, and it's my hope that your self respect will move you past any need to involve yourself with anyone who makes you feel small.