I can't love her

Hi, i met this girl my first year of college far away from home, I wasn't comfortable and I was a little scared. I met her and it wasn't an instant connection but the more I talked to her the more we shared in common , we've both been through a lot and this was the first person I ever shared my darkest secrets and fears, I trusted her and told her the only reason I never open up is because when I was young I was abused. After that I never told anyone ny felling I was closed off. She made me feel safe , She was the only person in my life I could call a friend. As the weeks went by I started getting feelings for her and I told her , she told me she also had feelings for me. But she was scared to feel how she felt, after that night everything changed she constantly told me to not try anymore because she doesn't want to hurt me and that she wasn't good enough, she started doing things to push me away, she flirted with guys in front of me, she texted guys when ever she was alone with me, and one day she told me she flashed one of the guys of the dorm for fun, that really hurt , I'm here trying my hardest to tell you , your worth it and you do all this to me ? After a few weeks I told her I was done , I can't take this anymore, she won, I will never be with her. Then the next day she realized that she did want me and I spent the day hanging out with my buddies and getting my hair cut, that day we sat next to each other and it started raining outside , I decided to run out in the rain for fun and she decided to go also we ran out of our dorm and in the middle of the field we both kissed. She told me she wanted me but I wasn't sure we spent the next few weeks talking and I asked her out 2 times but she denied me but one day she went into my dorm with a laptop and pressed play, she recorded her self singing a song and in the she held a poster saying "will you go out with me? " I said yes, I thought I was in heaven , soon after I realized she had trust isses, jealousy issues I could do anything without her I felt like dog I couldnt do anything only be in my dorm. She constantly made me feel worth less and everything I ever did was never enough , every time I said sorry she would tell me in my face that it wasn't good enough, this went on for 4 months and I called it quits , she then began crying and telling me to not leave her and she'll change , this Hanne 3 more time in the next 5 months, at this point I grew to resent her and all the pain she caused me and I slowly started to get more jealous and tell her I dont trust her , I would get upset and she would get made at me because I was tired always be yelled at for nothing, I made her feel worthless and Im forever ashamed of that this went on for 5 month, i could see shes was hurting and I hated that I always resented for for what she did to me , I never deserved the pain she caused . I decided to end things because I knew I could never lover the way she deserves to. I resent everything she put me through and it took her a year to realize she actually wanted me, at this point my love was gone, it was in peices, I was being selfish. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I cannot change, I know you want me change but I don't think I'll ever change. I hope you find someone to love the way I never could. Bye, I love you but ill never love you the right way

Next time you meet a girl that is shady like that, don't get involved with her or continue relationship. From the get go she was constantly telling you the opposites and changing her mind from the get go.

That is usually a sign of a flaky person you want NO part of.

You ignored it all, figured out WHY and NEVER repeat those mistakes again. Just because you like or love someone, does NOT mean you should be with them "no matter what". That person still has to prove to you that they are WORTHY of your love and being with you.

She wasn't.

I would also recommend that you hold off on sharing your feelings and history/personal details to people until you know them VERY well. As in MONTHS. Most people will see it as a weakness, the act itself will make you vulnerable and many will even use it against you.

Keep it to yourself. In general, if you had troubling past it's best that you forgot about it. Remember, your past effect you as much as YOU LET IT. What happened in the past is irrelevant, what you do going forward is the only thing that matters.

THOSE are the things that make a strong, healthy and mature MAN. Being able to let go, not effect you and make yourself a better/best person you can be!

PS. Make sure you take few months off dating/away from opposite sex and block/ignore her completely. No contact at all, or you will never even begin the healing process. Also, remember, ANY contact = reset of your healing time.

During this time, do lots of physical activity on daily basis, eat healthy diet and most importantly, become the best person you can be, so that you attract one like you!

That's the best advice I can give you. We attract who we are!!!

Life is an experience, is how I see it.

"I realized she had trust issues, jealousy issues I could do anything without her I felt like dog I couldnt do anything only be in my dorm. She constantly made me feel worth less and everything I ever did was never enough , every time I said sorry she would tell me in my face that it wasn't good enough, this went on for 4 months and I called it quits"

Sadly, you two clashed for a number of reasons. She seemed to have a few issue's and you can't live around someone like that.

Don't put yourself down for it, though.

She just wasn't for YOU.

If your past (abuse) is affecting you still.. might I suggest some prof help there? Not good if it's going to affect your future relationships.