Healing after realizing I dated a narcissist?

He literally swept me off my feet, seemed like the perfect guy, I fell hard and fast. W/in weeks we became bf/gf. For the 1st couple of months there was hot burning passion. I was always receiving sweet texts from him. I knew the honeymoon stage wouldn't last forever, but I know that if a couple is in love their passion will not change in a major way. I was sad when I stopped receiving the morning texts, I tried to revive that, but he wasn't picking up, so I stopped. We always went everywhere together and a couple months ago he began going to the bar by himself, never inviting me, we were not really going out anywhere together at that point, just staying at our houses. I was kinda sad as I was always willing to go w/him there and he knew I would just be sitting at home. I noticed when we would be watching something he would comment on the hot women, whenever I mentioned a hot/cute guy he would always tell me how ugly that guy was, any guy I would mention. We worked for the same company (different locations) as soon as he got a promotion, he would always mention it, saying that he was my supervisor. About 2 months ago I started to feel him pulling back, seemed like unimportant things, but that bothered me. I told him I felt taken for granted, he felt sorry and apologized, but didn't do anything to improve his attention or care towards me. The doubts crept up again, as he wanted to marry me, but wasn't making any major changes or effort to help that happen (I didn't this all for him, but I am taking care of all my finances and trying to find a better job, just securing my future the best that I can). He got extremely upset when I began asking him about his future and called me selfish and mean. I was blamed for ruining a fun day and he wouldn't listen to me because he was happy and to him the relationship was stronger then ever. This is when I decided I was done. He kept saying how I wasn't accepting the person he was and he was a perfectly good person. When I broke it off, he didn't really see it coming as he was happy in the relationship and that I was being shallow for not accepting him, he thought I was expecting too much from him and I should find someone better suited. The next day he called me and spilled his heart out to me, how much he loves me and will always support me. I knew this was all BS as he never showed any initiative. The relationship was all about him and all that mattered was whether he was happy or not. The kicker I decided to build my own social circle w/out him. A guy I met when I went w/my ex to this bar invited me out to the bar w/a group of friends. I brought a friend w/me, my ex was not too happy I went w/out him, yet he is never hesitant to take alone time going to the bar.

It sounds like you two were ultimately a mismatch BUT I don't see any narcissism going on here.

You asked specifically for help recovering from a narcissist. Where do you get your information?

This looks like a garden variety break up. . that's all.

Endings are difficult. But giving your ex a scary title doesn't make it better.

Maybe in the moment but not in the long run

Has he been diagnosed as a narcissist by a licensed professional?

He just sounds like he was emotionally abusive. I think putting a disorder on him is giving him too much slack. It just seems to me like he wanted to keep you lower than him in all aspects and then when you decided you weren't having it, he showed some pretty ugly colours. Good on you for walking away, how long was the relationship? You also seem quite young but only because he seems like a bratty 16 year old. Saying that, he did go to bars without you.

To be honest, I see where you've got the narcissistic idea from in some of his behaviours but overall he just sounds like a normal, healthy a**hole.

Person1001 - Your story sounds all too much like mine! I dated a very similar guy. I just recently started reading up on narcissism and thought the same about my ex - he had very similar traits.. but I also agree with the others - he might just be an emotionally abusive a**hole. I tried to help my ex move forward with career, etc. He said the same that I wasn't accepting of him and he was a "great guy." Meanwhile, he would lie to me, go out on his own, cheat, tell me he could get way hotter B*tches than me. In the end, I think you are better off without him. I don't think he needs or even deserves a title... you were dating a guy who didn't treat you how you should be treated or respected you. Get away from him as fast as you can! I made the mistake of letting my ex back in.. twice.. he promised he would "change" that I was the love of his life and he was going to wait until the end of time for me. That played out for a month until he realized I wasn't caving in and he met someone else to fill his void - and then he disappeared again. I think in the beginning your ex was all lovey dovey almost putting up a facade - in the honey moon phase - then you got to see who he truly was. It's difficult to accept that you were "tricked" or "charmed" by someone and then treated so poorly. I've been dealing with the same feelings - how did I let this go on so long? All you can do is go day by day and NOT make the same mistakes again with someone new. Learn from your mistakes!

He isn't a narcissist. He is simply a young man who is selfish, complacent and really not ready for a relationship.

mhowe - what would be your take or qualities/traits of a narcissist? are there threads on this?

He isn't a narcissist. He is simply a young man who is selfish, complacent and really not ready for a relationship.

mhowe - what would be your take or qualities/traits of a narcissist? are there threads on this?

Google the term. There are infinite threads on this.

It is the new "thing" to label your ex as a narcissist, sociopath, bipolar.....when in reality 99% of the time ---- they are immature, selfish or simply not relationship material. But it apparently makes it easier on the person dumped to put a mental illness diagnosis on the dumpee.

He isn't a narcissist. He is simply a young man who is selfish, complacent and really not ready for a relationship.

I agree. .

The world is chocked full of self serving people.

It doesn't make them narcissistic. It makes them unsuitable partner.

mhowe - what would be your take or qualities/traits of a narcissist? are there threads on this?

I was married to a full blown, card carrying N. - By a licensed professionals diagnosis. More than one actually.

I don't take it lightly when people label others like this.

Google Narcissism.

Thanks for opening my mind. I've been reading a lot about narcissism recently. I thought my ex had many qualities.. but I found what you and mhowe were saying - seems to be the new thing to label your ex as such. The more I've been reading, I think he was more just a selfish, immature, unsuitable partner for me - as you said.

I was married to a full blown, card carrying N. - By a licensed professionals diagnosis. More than one actually.

I don't take it lightly when people label others like this.

 

Google Narcissism.

That's the problem with Googling stuff. People read up on something, say "That describes my ex to a tee!" and assign a diagnosis.

When in reality, the person just wasn't that into them.

However, it makes the dumpee feel better if they can tell themselves their ex had some kind of medical condition and THAT'S why they broke up with them (or "couldn't" commit, or was "afraid" of commitment).

My friend has diagnosed her husband with at least 3 medical/psychological conditions, all from Googling them. It makes her feel better because that way, the horrible way he treats her is neither her fault NOR his. He can't help it, poor guy! He's ill!

Reality is, he just isn't that into her.