STILL Blaming Myself - How Do You Overcome Emotional Abuse?

Previous posts will detail the emotional abuse I was put through. But basically, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2.5 years and didn't fully realize that it was abuse until I was OUT of the relationship. The entire time, I knew that something was terribly wrong, but I could never quite put my finger on a reason. I kept looking for a concrete reason that would justify breaking up with him. For example, if he had physically hit me, that would be "evidence." But this abuse, it consists of withholding affection or intimacy, constantly belittling you and your abilities and accomplishments, name-calling, telling you anything you want or feel is "stupid," treating you like crap and then telling you it was all YOUR fault, telling you that you are not a priority in their life. And then, the abuse is followed up by crumbs of attention, making you think "aww, he's not so bad." But then the cycle starts all over again, and you find yourself making excuses for his behavior and waiting on the next crumb he throws your way. That's what you live for -- the day or so of good behavior that follows a long stretch of abuse and neglect.

The main reason I stayed is because EVERYTHING was my fault (or so he told me). If he broke a dinner date with me, it would somehow be my fault. If the dog threw up, it was my fault. If he ignored me during my entire birthday party, it was my fault for getting mad. EVERYTHING was turned into, "you're so needy & unappreciative of me." He truly had me believing that I was the problem, and I felt that the only way we would ever have a normal relationship was if *I* worked on it. When the main issue revolved around HIS emotional abuse the entire time. If I would have broken up with him, I would have felt like *I* gave up and that I was a failure. And that's exactly what he wanted. I kept hanging on in hopes that I could fix things, which is an impossible feat when you're in a one-sided relationship with an emotionally abusive, self-centered jerk.

He finally broke it off with me. For what reason, I have no idea. Perhaps because I was finally becoming more independent. I had graduated with my Master's degree and recently started a new job. I was working on professional development, I wasn't seeing him quite as often, and for once, I had begun becoming more vocal about my expectations of the relationship (which were NOT unreasonable).

However, even though I am FULLY aware that I was emotionally abused, two months later, I am STILL blaming myself! I STILL spend hours every day retracing my steps, re-living situations, and trying to figure out where I might have gone wrong. After all, I was told for 2.5 years that everything was my fault, & I can't seem to snap out of it.

For people who have experienced emotional abuse, how did you finally get over the feelings of guilt and blame, even when it was apparent that the emotional abuser was the problem, not you? How did you ever accept that your behavior was NOT what caused them to abuse you?

I would advise going to a counselor. I was in a similar situation recently, where everything was my fault. And I completely believed it too. He even cheated, and said that it was my fault he cheated because I was too insecure and it made him mad because he didn't deserve it. I'm seeing a counselor now, and talking to her about the things he said and my expectations in a relationship. She'll ask questions that really makes me think about my personal beliefs/thoughts, and she points out constantly that my expectations are normal and realistic. I am not over it yet, and I expect that it will take me a while to get over it. I even recently had dinner with a male friend (not a date), and he pointed out that I kept apologizing for stuff that wasn't my fault (like him not reading the back of the menu).

I'm sorry to hear what you went through, and I hope that you're able to stop blaming yourself.

Reading your story sounded exactly like mine. Almost to a tee. After my breakup, I struggled. And honestly there are times I still struggle especially with dating. And it has been about 3 year. But my biggest help has been going to counseling. She has helped me build back up my self esteem and self worth, he so easily destroyed.

It is definitely tough. I know a lot of my friends and family expected me to just magically get over it. It helps when you have people to talk to who have been in similar situations who can offer some support.

However, even though I am FULLY aware that I was emotionally abused, two months later, I am STILL blaming myself! I STILL spend hours every day retracing my steps, re-living situations, and trying to figure out where I might have gone wrong. After all, I was told for 2.5 years that everything was my fault, & I can't seem to snap out of it.

 

For people who have experienced emotional abuse, how did you finally get over the feelings of guilt and blame, even when it was apparent that the emotional abuser was the problem, not you? How did you ever accept that your behavior was NOT what caused them to abuse you?

I am sorry to read your story. As a survivor of sexual abuse during my childhood, I can relate to your feelings of guilt and that you are blaming yourself.

You have been living this nightmare for 2.5 years, so you can’t expect this to be over and dealt with 2 months after ending this nightmare. It takes time, you need to take the time for this. Your mind has to be re-programmed if you will. If you are ready to work on this, counseling is a good idea.

Also, here is a link to a YouTube video of TED talks. It’s a talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner on domestic violence:

She is a survivor herself and has written a book on domestic abuse: Crazy Love. Check out that video, it gives a good insight.

Stay strong!

I am going through this right now. Have you gotten closure? People must have been looking at me like I was weak, but like you said I thought I just had to try harder to get through to him, I thought I was doing something. I thought I failed when he left, and I thought I could fix it. He left me like you said shortly after me demanding to be treated better.

How are you doing now?

It takes time to get over something like that. It does not happen from "one day to another". My advice to you would be to concentrate on finding out who you really are. Your wants, your likes, your needs, your expectations, how you want to live your life. The more you know about yourself, the more you will know that it is not your fault.

People like him are and always will be "repeat offenders". He has the need to put others down to make himself feel good. He did it to you and you can be sure he will do it in his next relationship too. It is easy to point fingers and blame everyone else but himself. Most likely because he doesn't like who he is or he doesn't know who he is.

My first serious relationship was with a guy who was emotionally abusive. I only left after roughly two years when he crossed the line into physical abuse and hit me in the face one night during an argument. The physical hit was a shock and it hurt like heck, but the emotional abuse--that took far longer to heal after I'd left him. The first months are the hardest and then the anger at yourself is sometimes even harder to deal with. To all of that i say be kind to yourself, focus on doing things that make you happy, find a way to help others through volunteer work--human or animal--and keep telling yourself every single day that you are amazing, accomplished and that you are free. It'll feel silly at first, and hard, but it will eventually seep in and your own voice will drown his out.

And finding a good counselor or clergy or other professional to talk to about what happened can help enormously. Reading up on the topic of emotional abuse can help as well, knowledge is power and understanding you aren't alone in what happened to you and what exactly did happen will give you answers too. And time, time does heal. If you let this experience simply shape you in the direction of knowing what you don't want and will never tolerate again in a relationship you'll be fine. Be patient and kind with yourself and rejoice that you're free. It does get better, you will get your confidence back, keep going.

Emotional abuse is a very insidious thing, because it usually starts off in a very subtle manner and doesn't really escalate until the abuser has had a chance to size you up and figure out just how far they can push things. It can also be hidden and downplayed in a way physical violence can't. I always liken it to the cooking of a lobster. The lobster doesn't know they're in danger at first, just that they're sitting in a pot of water and it's all rather pleasant and warm. And then by the time the water gets too hot the lobster is already trapped and dying.

Thread is two years old and OP has never returned. Closed.