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Thread: Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

  1. #7001
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'd say the writing is on the wall here, and has been for some time with her. She's cool, sexy, warm, down to hike and veg over David Simon's first foray into TV—things you like. She's also a bit fragile and unhinged—things I also think you like, even if they get painted with a cynical brushstroke here.

    Rather than think of the day drinking and crying-during-sex stuff as "concerning," I'd ask a simpler question: Do you find it attractive and compelling, or unattractive and repelling? Then you get to own your role in the dynamic and the "piece of work" that is you, be it continuing to explore or backing away.

  2. #7002
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    I don't think fragile and unhinged -if that is the issue - should trigger cynicism - but it might trigger "she might not be a good match". I have no idea what her mental state is and it's not ND's job to figure that out either - but her actions in drinking are odd and of concern IMO.

  3. #7003
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    NEELA came over last night, I made dinner, she insisted on smoking weed (even though she'd sworn off it last time because it made her mind race), she stayed over, we had sex three times total, no insomnia issues this time, she was really sweet and affectionate as usual (she's very into cuddling and kissing and sleeping close together, which works for me), she left with several kisses this morning, and she's coming to my band's show on Friday. No drama, no weirdness.

    At this juncture, I'm not sure if we're "long term," but having a smart, affectionate, pretty woman with me on a regular basis is great, even if we don't have much in common, interests-wise.

    If things fizzle out, it won't be any different than any other woman I've dated, really.

  4. #7004
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    “no panties during sex”

    Speaking as a woman, It can give an uncomfortable wedgie. No bueno. People can speculate about "past lover issues". But that is the long and short of it. Ouch

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  6. #7005
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    “no panties during sex”

    Speaking as a woman, It can give an uncomfortable wedgie. No bueno. People can speculate about "past lover issues". But that is the long and short of it. Ouch
    I assume you don't cry emotionally about it, though.

    ---------------

    NEELA came to my band’s show this past Friday. She had clearly been drinking beforehand, and was a little loud but overall friendly and talkative to my bandmates. Not sure she liked my band though!

    She stayed over that night, and on Saturday morning I’m pretty sure she was nipping sips of wine in the kitchen before we finally got out of bed around 11am. We stayed in that day, and she continued drinking until we went to bed around midnight, about 5 beers and 4 glasses of wine total. I had no intoxicants until dinner at 8pm, and then I just smoked a bowl, had a glass of wine, and behaved normally.

    But by the end of the night she was bobbing & weaving, slurring, and getting kind of annoying, doing things like refusing to move from the center of the bed so I could lay down, gleefully exclaiming “No!” like a 5-yo every time I tried to move her.

    That said, she got the message that I wasn’t happy about that, calmed down, and we had sex 3-4 times throughout the day/night.

    But after dinner she did ask if I’d ever been in love, or had my heart broken. I said yes to both, she said that was sweet, and revealed that neither had happened to her. Telling.

    She also said she'd "overstayed my welcome” a couple of times since this was the first instance she’d stayed over for more than 24 hours, but I waved that off because I didn’t feel that way.

    As we were in bed going to sleep that night, she was mumbling things like “I don’t think you like me”, “could we be friends if we weren’t seeing each other?” (I said no), and “the sex with you is so good, that’s what I’ll miss.” I ignored that last comment by pretending to be asleep.

    The next morning she was very pleasant, offering to buy us lunch before I dropped her off. I declined because I had other plans, but when I got back home I saw that she had deliberately left her hiking shoes in my room.

    We texted on Mon/Tue and I invited her to come over tonight for dinner. She accepted and asked what she should bring.

    Concerned about the fact that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her sober, as she usually drinks before we meet, this morning I texted “Mexican beer and/or margarita fixin's. I only request that you refrain from alcohol today until you come over; I’d like to share your first drink of the day (hug emoji)”

    After this Saturday, I feel like a discussion about her alcohol consumption is in order. Whether it’s a rational request or not, I don’t want her to get buzzed before we meet, and I want her to wait until at least 1pm before drinking on the weekends when we hang out.

    Her reaction will likely decide the tone of our future interactions.

  7. #7006
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    Since you don't know her very well I'd be very careful about having sex with her when she is drunk lest she protest at some point that it was not consensual. I know 100% from all you've written that you would never hurt her or anyone intentionally - not saying or implying that in the least (!) - I'm just saying she seems unstable so from her perspective who needs any of that kind of drama.

  8. #7007
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Since you don't know her very well I'd be very careful about having sex with her when she is drunk lest she protest at some point that it was not consensual.
    I'm not worried about that. At this point, she's is ALWAYS the one initiating. I never have to, basically because she's so h*rny. I even have to beg off from time to time.

  9. #7008
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Bold move: making plans to go drinking, with someone you think has a problem drinking, while predicating those drinking plans on addressing your problem with what you see as her drinking problem. Did I get that right? Curious to hear how she reacts to all that, and how her reaction sits with you.

    Two times now she's offered up some vague, premonitory whispers at bedtime. Would you want to see her again if she simply said "I am unstable and rarely sober"? I ask that earnestly, because it's very hard not to see that as the subtext here, at least from your portrait.

    Good sex is good sex, I do get that. And sex with a powder keg can have a certain juju. But powder kegs do go off, the match is often intimacy, and condoms aren't quite the same as flack jackets, at least in my experience.

  10. #7009
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Bold move: making plans to go drinking, with someone you think has a problem drinking, while predicating those drinking plans on addressing your problem with what you see as her drinking problem. Did I get that right? Curious to hear how she reacts to all that, and how her reaction sits with you.
    I read it as a test to see if she can actually arrive sober. The "first drink" is just the carrot

  11. #7010
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Would you want to see her again if she simply said "I am unstable and rarely sober"?
    Isn't that basically what's she's said already?

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I read it as a test to see if she can actually arrive sober. The "first drink" is just the carrot
    Exactly.

    In any case, her response was what you'd expect from an alcoholic who doesn't want to blow an opportunity to get laid:

    "Ok we are going to have to drink a lot of margaritas. You won't believe the size of the bottle."


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