Is he cheating?

My husband works in another country, he is away for a month, home every other month. I think he may be cheating on me. He has always been a very sexual man, until now. Since he went to this country he is not the same. He makes no attempt to even sleep in the same bed as me for about 4 or 5 days after he comes home. He uses the excuse that our son wants to sleep with me. We will have sex only a couple of times while he is home. I have no way of finding out. He has a work phone, email, etc; that I have no access to. He says he loves me, and I do believe him, but he has withdrawn from me.

It's hard to say if he is cheating or not, but the fact that he is withdrawn, sleeping in a separate bed, and not being intimate isn't good. Even if he isn't cheating, do you want to continue in this marriage? Do you feel fulfilled?

Women always know. Trust your gut.

If he has been totally away from you for a month living on his own, just like someone coming back from active duty, etc, there could be a bit of an adjustment period. Also, if he is in another country, he could really be wiped out traveling home. It may also take a few days to get back to reality. And he may not feel like he fits/is not part of your daily routine anymore. is there a way that you could go visit for a weekend, etc, during the month he is away for a romantic weekend? I wouldn't automatically assume he is cheating as the first assumption unless he is mysteriously disappearing to talk for hours/text for hours on the phone to a woman. If he was cheating, I am sure that woman wouldn't put up with no contact for a whole month.

Also, if your bed is not kept as the special place for you and your husband and he comes home to find the routine of you sleeping with your child instead, that really is not that romantic. I would make an effort to have couple time away from the kids big time. And set the boundary that the space in your bed belongs to your husband. If you want to sleep with your child while they drift off to sleep, sit in a rocker in their room or be at the side of their bed on top of the covers and then leave.

Also, if he immediately comes home to being bombarded with family problems instead of getting a proper welcome, that could affect him as well.

There could be many explanations for his behavior.

You don’t have family cell phones?

Company phones are monitored for abuse and therefore not a smart choice for questionable calls.

Women always know. Trust your gut.

How's that work? Like a magic thing? Shouldn't they be down at the track getting rich?

There could be many explanations for his behavior.

 

You don’t have family cell phones?

Company phones are monitored for abuse and therefore not a smart choice for questionable calls.

We do have family cells, but he only uses it while in Canada. He has a work cell that he leaves at work. His company wouldn't know if he was calling his wife or someone else.

Thanks for the advice, I will try anything. We are in the process of building a new home, and we do have many things going on. Maybe I'm overreacting, I hope so.

yes. if you think so, then yes. trust your instincts.

We do have family cells, but he only uses it while in Canada. He has a work cell that he leaves at work. His company wouldn't know if he was calling his wife or someone else.

Are you sure he only uses it in Canada? I suggest snooping it anyway.

Successful companies got that way for a reason. They watch everything.

If your husband hurt someone all of their records would be subpoenaed.

The company can tell if a call is suspicious by not only the number called but time and duration. (Cheater calls can last for hours.)

Hi All,

I've been off for a while, trying to sort my life out (doesn't seem to be working btw). Since my last post things have gone downhill. I still have no proof that my husband is cheating, but wow, do all signs point in that direction. The last two times he came home have been terrible. He is cranky, has no patience with the children, always mad at me and criticizing the things I do (or don't do), and our sex life has basically become non-existant. We have been intimate 3 times in the last two times he has been home. The last time he came home he arrived before the children were awake. I had a special time planned for us. He woke-up the children instead. Remember, this was 6 weeks since we had seen each other. We were intimate once while he was home, and then I practically had to beg. The intimacy felt forced on his part, like he wasn't really there, just performing the act.

The final kicker came regarding our planned family vacation. The plan was to have the children and I come to the country he is in and spend his time off with him. Well, now that I've been actively planning it and asking him to book the flights, he is coming up with excuses why it may not happen. I haven't spoken to him in two days now, I just can't. I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me and I have no where to turn. I am trying so hard to keep a happy face for my children, but it's getting more difficult every day.

I have no one to turn to. There is no way I can find out, his life there is completely separate from his life here. I just don't know what to do!

Sadly when a woman is with a man for years u learn his patterns. If he is all of a sudden acting strange dont look for excuses to toss away the cheating theory. Hes changed so something is off. Most people wont admit having an affair. Im sorry but they just wont. when u cant trust someone theres a horrible awkwardness in your relationship. why does he have to work so far from you? has he ever been unfaithful in the past?

He hasn't been unfaithful before (that I know of). I never had reason to ever doubt him. Circumstances dictate that he has to work so far away, mainly due to what he does.

Until your compass stops spinning its going be hard. Until then, I would keep searching… and follow you gut. (Blazr, 11/28/11)

I always recommend James Dobson's "Love must be tough" (Never let him see it... and forget what you think you know about tough love.)

It's a must read for anyone in a "at risk" marriage.

This doesn't sound good at all.

You could hire someone where he works to follow him for a few days to see what he is up to. Seems drastic but what else is there? You could also just show up for a surprise visit.

Do you have any friends that live near where he works?

Whether or no he is cheating, is this the marriage you wanted. From my personal experience I would say he is cheating. I am sure your gut has been telling you that for some time but it is hard to listen. I know I ignored mine far to long...

Lost

Have you sat down and discussed about your current feelings to him? Whether or not he's cheating on you, if he's not willing to work on the marriage it's going to affect you and the children severely. If there are no reason to be snapping at you and the children with little to no affection then chances are he's not happy with the marriage if not possibly having another relationship.

Agree with sidehop that you need to sit down with the husband and have a talk about where things are and what's been going on? So many relationships fall to the wayside because people just won't talk about it or when they do talk, they communicate their concerns ineffectively.

It's very difficult to say if he is or isn't. Keep in mind that there are many reasons why someone may loose interest in sex such as stress, physical exhaustion, illness, anxiety, among others so to jump the gun and wonder if he's cheating solely based on this is premature. What is your extent of communication with your husband while he's away for a month for work? Do you guys talk daily? Does he answer your calls when he's off work hours? Is he readily available or do you get his answering machine most of the time? Has the amount of communication between the two of you diminished lately while he's away? These may be clearer indicators that he's found someone else to invest his time in rather than the sex thing. If I were in your shoes I would bring this to your husband's attention, tell him exactly how you feel, and if he's a worthy man he will be at least somewhat honest with you. In your conversation with him look for clues such as: are his answers thourough or too brief, does he not want to talk about this, are his answers consistent, is what he's saying make sense. All these things will help point you in the right direction.

Thank you everyone for your input and encouragement! I am going to talk to him when he gets home. I've arranged for the children to go with my parents for a day and night so we will be undisturbed. Koglin, I hope you are right, that there is another reason. I value each and every one of your thoughts. I do not feel quite so alone now. Two weeks and he will be home. I will keep you posted. XOXOXO

We live in a task dominated world. Beginning, middle, end and many times, repeat.

This happens to a failing marriages!

This assumption driven process replaces reason.

This explains the phenomenon remarriage. Sooner or later the machine will spit you/us/others out.

Many times it’s only at that point do we ask… “what the hell just happened just happen?”

TeacherMom, Don’t be one of these people!

Decide for yourself if you want to be in this type of marriage. Yes or No. (Infidelity, of course, would have made it easier.)

PS, Don't wait for him ever again. When he calls tell him.. "I don't think I can do this anymore" (Get him thinking!)

PS2, Get Dobson! Yesterday.