Why are men more attracted to women who arent so loyal and nice?

I know this sounds weird. I was dating this guy, and I was so loyal. Loyal and I would do anything for him. When I went out I was loyal, and too honest. Didnt make him think I was on a date (he wasnt my boyfriend), or being bad and that I was a " good girl" I didnt go out a lot either, alot of times I was at home, and he knew it.

Well, I started going out again and working out. Then I got sick of being loyal and so nice because it seemed I losed in the end. So I started letting him doing alot of the contacting, and when I went out, I wouldnt make it seem like I was so good. He would start asking if i was on a date, asking why I dont text him as much, and when I went out would ask questions.

What gives? was I making him feel too secure before?

enchanted, if it takes playing these games for a guy to appreciate you, you're better off without him.

Yeah i know, but it seems to be how guys are nowadays.

You have to play the game back. Next guy I date I intend to play games. Let him call me, let him do everything.

Yeah i know, but it seems to be how guys are nowadays.

The flip side to this is that for your own sanity, it's good to have your own life and friends, not in reliance of someone else for your entertainment and emotional well-being.

Just in my personal experience, a woman who sits at home and waits for her man...is a clingy, needy woman...and most men know to stay far away from them. I can understand you wanting to be honest and tell him where you are and what you are doing. These are givens in a relationship, but if you and he are just friends who have sex and hang out, then you own him no explanation and he is interpreting that as you trapping him in a relationship. But when you said "to hell with him" and started living like you should have been all along, you got his interest back because you BECAME interesting again.

Well, I have always been a believer of equal give and take. I never, ever played any games. If he didnt call me, I called him. If he didnt ask to see me, I asked. I wanted to be loyal to him, and I didnt want him to feel like I was going to go out with other men behind his back. But if he is not my boyfriend, then i am fair game.

So nice girls do finish last. I did this with every one of my boyfriends and never got what I wanted. THey thought they had me wrapped.

Just in my personal experience, a woman who sits at home and waits for her man...is a clingy, needy woman...and most men know to stay far away from them. I can understand you wanting to be honest and tell him where you are and what you are doing. These are givens in a relationship, but if you and he are just friends who have sex and hang out, then you own him no explanation and he is interpreting that as you trapping him in a relationship. But when you said "to hell with him" and started living like you should have been all along, you got his interest back because you BECAME interesting again.

Thats kind of what I figured. Thanks.

I dont think this is game playing. I think it's simple miscommunication. She thinks that he is her bf and she is being a good gf. BUT to him, she is hookup, so he doesnt want all the drama and crap of a relationship. But once she figured out what he was thinking and she started thinking along the same lines, he interested came back because they were both on the same page.

What is it that you feel you want that you aren't getting?

I dont think this is game playing. I think it's simple miscommunication. She thinks that he is her bf and she is being a good gf. BUT to him, she is hookup, so he doesnt want all the drama and crap of a relationship. But once she figured out what he was thinking and she started thinking along the same lines, he interested came back because they were both on the same page.

Yes, but at the same time someone who is just a hookup shouldnt get jealous either.

He wasn't your b/f but you did 'anything' for him? I think he may have misunderstood you in that sense if that's the case. Do you think you opened up to him too much too early?

Yes, but at the same time someone who is just a hookup shouldnt get jealous either.

I think he's thinking of you more as a possession, rather than actually being jealous. Look at it from him point of view. He has you, someone who really likes him, gives him attention and sex whenever he wants it. Now, if you start dating someone else, he wont be getting what he is used to getting from you.

When I think of someone as "loyal or nice" that someone is usually a puppy dog. Of course I want someone who is loyal, someone who is kind but I also must have someone who is reasonably confident, assertive, witty - and a bit of an edge. As far as honest - no one can be "too honest" unless they're tactless but they can be "too open" and "overshare" from a perspective of neediness or "pat me on the head, I'm a nice, loyal puppy dog".

I lke to be kept on my toes and challenged and inspired. Someone who is "nice" in a passive way or always giving and not giving me space to give back is someone I get concerned about - I assume the person is holding things in or I worry that I can't be myself since I am more of a blend of nice and assertive (not mean, just assertive) and it's no fun and uncomfortable to be assertive with someone who is passive.

Sometimes I get exasperated with my husband because I feel he challenges what I say too much, debates a little too much - but I'd rather he be a little over the line that way than "yes dear" and "I am going here and there and then I will take a shower, get dressed and then get lunch and call you at least three times to let you know what I'm doing next, honey".

- but I'd rather he be a little over the line that way than "yes dear" and "I am going here and there and then I will take a shower, get dressed and then get lunch and call you at least three times to let you know what I'm doing next, honey".

LOL!

You mean that's not adorable?

WOW my question is why are women more attracted to men who are neither loyal nor nice.

WOW my question is why are women more attracted to men who are neither loyal nor nice.

Read Batya's post above. She answers this question perfectly.

Men want women who are a bit of a challenge. They want women who "bring something to the party", a woman who will entertian, enlighten and delight, a woman who will bring out the best in himself and keep him on his toes (and keep him coming home and wanting more)

Blind loyalty and waiting by the door...you can get that in a basset hound

The tale of two couples

Couple one:

Him: Gosh, it's been a while since I've hung out with the guys, maybe Friday night I will set something up.

Her: Sigh, OK, I will wait at home for you (and worry and fret)

Couple two:

Him: Gosh, it's been a while since I've hung out with the guys, maybe Friday night I will set something up.

Her: Good idea, it has been a while for you. Maybe I will set up a girl's night out the same night and then we'll meet later and compare our evenings!!

Who has the healthier relationship?

In reality a balance somewhere in between is what you should be after.

Read Batya's post above. She answers this question perfectly.

i think its more women then men, thats my point.

LOL!

You mean that's not adorable?

It's adorable if you're the kind of person who juggles multiple people - that way you know exactly when you have free time ..... ;-)

Just in my personal experience, a woman who sits at home and waits for her man...is a clingy, needy woman...and most men know to stay far away from them. I can understand you wanting to be honest and tell him where you are and what you are doing. These are givens in a relationship, but if you and he are just friends who have sex and hang out, then you own him no explanation and he is interpreting that as you trapping him in a relationship. But when you said "to hell with him" and started living like you should have been all along, you got his interest back because you BECAME interesting again.

When I think of someone as "loyal or nice" that someone is usually a puppy dog. Of course I want someone who is loyal, someone who is kind but I also must have someone who is reasonably confident, assertive, witty - and a bit of an edge. As far as honest - no one can be "too honest" unless they're tactless but they can be "too open" and "overshare" from a perspective of neediness or "pat me on the head, I'm a nice, loyal puppy dog".

 

I lke to be kept on my toes and challenged and inspired. Someone who is "nice" in a passive way or always giving and not giving me space to give back is someone I get concerned about - I assume the person is holding things in or I worry that I can't be myself since I am more of a blend of nice and assertive (not mean, just assertive) and it's no fun and uncomfortable to be assertive with someone who is passive.

 

Sometimes I get exasperated with my husband because I feel he challenges what I say too much, debates a little too much - but I'd rather he be a little over the line that way than "yes dear" and "I am going here and there and then I will take a shower, get dressed and then get lunch and call you at least three times to let you know what I'm doing next, honey".

Men want women who are a bit of a challenge. They want women who "bring something to the party", a woman who will entertian, enlighten and delight, a woman who will bring out the best in himself and keep him on his toes (and keep him coming home and wanting more)

 

Blind loyalty and waiting by the door...you can get that in a basset hound

 

The tale of two couples

 

Couple one:

Him: Gosh, it's been a while since I've hung out with the guys, maybe Friday night I will set something up.

Her: Sigh, OK, I will wait at home for you (and worry and fret)

 

Couple two:

Him: Gosh, it's been a while since I've hung out with the guys, maybe Friday night I will set something up.

Her: Good idea, it has been a while for you. Maybe I will set up a girl's night out the same night and then we'll meet later and compare our evenings!!

 

Who has the healthier relationship?

Some pretty great posts in this thread.

You know what I do differently in a relationship than when I'm single? Nothing. I stay exactly the same way I am. They were attracted to the way I was when I was single. Why would I become something different now that I'm in relationship mode. I don't cheat or hit up other men, but, besides that, I still go out. I still hang with my friends.

You know what makes a person interesting? Having interests other than your partner.

...always giving and not giving me space to give back...

Batya, I really found this thought interesting and it's something I think that, sadly, I'm guilty of doing in relationships... giving too much without giving enough space for the person to "miss me" or give back.

Could you explain a bit more of what you meant by this point? I think it could be very helpful for me to understand how it feels to be the other person in the relationship that doesn't feel they are getting the necessary "space to give".

Wonderful advice.

Batya, I really found this thought interesting and it's something I think that, sadly, I'm guilty of doing in relationships... giving too much without giving enough space for the person to "miss me" or give back.

 

Could you explain a bit more of what you meant by this point? I think it could be very helpful for me to understand how it feels to be the other person in the relationship that doesn't feel they are getting the necessary "space to give".

 

Wonderful advice.

 

It's the person who is self-deprecating and apologetic about breathing (well not that bad but you understand). I enjoy giving but the recipient has to feel like he/she is worthy of it so if the reaction is "oh you didn't have to do that" in an insistent way or not able to accept a compliment, or seeming to hold things back rather than assert himself and tell me what he needs as part of a misguided notion of being "nice" -- that's frustrating. The movie The Joy Luck Club has a couple -husband played by Andrew Mccarthy I think - where she does everything for him, always anticipates his needs, is his silent arm candy - and he leaves her - it is only when she finds her voice and asserts herself, sets boundaries, asks for what she needs with confidence that they start finding their way back to each other.

 

I often find that the people who don't let you give hold in resentment and let it out in inappropriate or hurtful ways when they can't take it anymore - so it's actually not a "nice" way to be.

The same reason women are attracted to men that are players and aren't so loyal and nice.