Living Together Before Marriage

I'd let to hear some people's opinions and thoughts on living together before marriage.

Have you done it? Would you recommend it?

Would you not recommend it?

How do you feel about it?

My cousin recently purchased a house with her boyfriend, and there has been quite some talk amongst our family about it and how my parents generation never lived together before marriage.

Now I know times have changed, and it seems that almost everyone I know in a somewhat long term relationship have all purchased houses with their partner without so much as being engaged.

I don't look down on it because to both my partner and I we're planning on doing the same thing, with a marriage taken place after our lives have settled [house, career, etc] I guess I never gave it much thought..until recently browsing some of the threads in which people have commented on doing so.

Any thoughts, comments or experiences are appreciated.

I am so for it! Let me tell you, if I would have married my ex before we lived together I would have been one miserable woman. The things I learned about him, his uncontrollable anger issues, bi-polar type nonsense, porn addiction (animal porn of all things), emotional abusiveness, laziness....the negatives could go on and on.

Now I am not saying the person your with is like my ex. The point I am trying to stress is the fact that living together allows you to see the person more fully; the good, the bad and the ugly. It makes it perfectly clear what you're getting yourself into and if you don't like it it's easier getting out...less messy then a divorce.

Now your experience maybe wonderful and I hope it is, just know it's not easy. I used to daydream about how wonderful it would be waking up to him every morning, sleeping next to him every night...never having to say goodbye. Then reality sets in and for me it wasn't pretty. Living together before hand really allowed me to see his true colors.I'm just so thankful I didn't marry him.

Hope this is helpful. Best of luck!!

--Amanda

Those were my feelings too.

My co-worker keeps saying she'll stop talking to me if I move in with my boyfriend without a ring on my finger [in a joking manner most of the time] She claims that young people 'noawadays' get the house and become too settled, and have the babies and all that and not worrying about a wedding.

I told her that I'd like to know before those things if my partner and I work well together...and she said "If you are in love with him, you'll make it work.."

I know generally my partner fairly well. And I know its a huge step and its something I'd like to 'try before I buy' if you know what I mean. But it seems to be alot of negatives to this situation as well.

I'm fairly sure I wouldn't live with someone before getting married. I think I can find out the essentials without living with him, and honestly I am quite conservative and wouldn't feel right about it. To be even more honest part of me doesn't see the point. I would love to live with my boyfriend because I love being with him, but I don't see how living with him would further my goals of marriage/children with him. I want to grow into an independent woman, and I also don't want to have to go through a break-up where there is "real-estate", furniture, etc, involved. I know there is always a chance of divorce, but the chances of a break-up are higher when you're not married, and from what I've heard and read on these boards breaking up when you are living together is hell.

So, I could see how my heart would want to live with someone, but my head would say no. I would wait until marriage. I especially wouldn't enter any financial agreement (such as a loan, or buying a house, or a car) with anyone I wasn't married to. I think doing that is a biiig mistake - so many ways it can go wrong. From a financial point of view, I would like to buy a house as soon as possible, so I wouldn't really want to rent with a boyfriend either.

We have planned on skipping the rental stage [as most places monthly rent for an apartment is about as much as a mortgage payment...] but that reality could be taking place in as little as a year for us.

It's a pretty big risk. But then again I've never had any doubts about doing this. No doubts about him or our relationship...maybe if I did I wouldn't be so keen and interested in doing this?!

It just seems for us that the next stage in our life and relationship is moving in together. I don't know if thats due to the way most people our ages deal with relationships? It was just never discussed or thought of to get married prior to living together.

Well I think it's pretty typical nowadays for people our age (I think we're pretty close in age!) to live together before marriage. Several of my friends who have just graduated are living together with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Still, I definitely think it's worth some thought - to make sure it's definitely what you want (which it sounds like it is) and that you're not just going through the motions.

You should definitely be careful about the financial agreements you are entering into though. There are several posters on here who have horror stories about "division of assets" following a break-up. If I were you, I would see a financial advisor just once so that he/she could give some advice about what you should look out for.

I also think it's the best way to really get to know someone. I might be closer to your parents' generation, I'm guessing. In my circles, at least, living together was typical. Most of us ended up getting married, and, actually, there are very few of us who are now divorced. I do remember that our parents and others of their generation (my parents are now in the mid-70's) were pretty disapproving of our decision, but it turned out to be a good choice. My daughter is 20, and I'd much rather that she live with her boyfriend before deciding to marry him. Too much is at stake, personally and legally.

I wouldn't marry a person without having lived with them first. I've lived with 2 boyfriends before, one of whom I was "engaged" to, and needless to say I still have never been married...

I think you find out a lot about a person and if you are fit to be together that way. You go through the same problems married couples do and if you can make it through it, then it's time for marriage (that's my thought anyway).

My sister and her boyfriend (now husband) lived together 3 years before getting married. She bought a house in her name and he moved in with her, and now that they're married, the house is in both names. They have an amazing and loving relationshipa nd are very happy. You can get the best of both worlds if that's waht you want.

I have no problem with living together, I do have a problem with the purchase of a home together.

If things fall apart, someone is going to get royally screwed financially.

I've seen several couples have to file bankruptsy, move in with family, get roommates etc all because their money was tied up in a home they couldn't afford alone.

Everyone knows the stats that people who live together first are much more likely to break up...and if they marry, they're much more likely to divorce.

Try it before you buy it... you'll learn so much

That statistic about higher breakup rates of people who lived together before marriage is true, but that's not the whole story.

If you move in together for financial reasons, and not because you are definitely getting married, growing old together, that kind of thing, then it is more likely you are going to break up.

If you move in together in preparation for marriage, then it is not as likely.

Have you done it? Would you recommend it?

Would you not recommend it?

How do you feel about it?

Yes, I've done it.

No I wouldn't recommend it for all couples.

I would never do it again.

I just heard the statistics on the radio a couple days ago. 40% of couples who live together before marriage are divorced within the first five years.

I do believe that there are couples that can live together and have a successful longlasting marriage.

However, it seems that the majority of couples who live together before marriage think that this "trying it out" is so great for the relationship and possible marriage. I think that two people should not have to test the waters before marriage.... either they truly love each other and know 100% that they will make the effort to make the marriage work...

Well I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we talk about this topic alot. He would like to move in with me but I don't. I think that there are other ways of getting to know each other fully besides living with the person your going to marry. I feel like alot of times living with a person you plan on marrying sort of slows down the process of actually getting married. You get too comfortable and start enjoying things that you were supposed to enjoy when you were married. That's why I'm not surprised that alot of women I know who live with their boyfriends aren't married or even engaged yet. I am very traditional when it comes to things like this. I would rather wait until I am married.

My sister and her husband lived together after they got engaged. She was in her 2nd year of uni when he proposed, and so living with friends. The next academic year, they lived together. They're the happiest couple I know.

My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage...have both said what vague timelines we each have in our head with regards to being engaged...getting married...having children. I want to live with him before we get married, but I don't know if we'll be engaged beforehand. I still have two years of uni left, this coming year is his last. Even if we're not engaged by the time I finish uni, I'd want to move in with him, as when we're at home, we're about 3/4 hours apart. I don't see the point of moving accross the country to be with someone but still living separately because of, in my opinion, an outdated moral code.

Could anyone speculate as to why marriages are more likely to fail if you live together prior?

I've heard that before, but to me..I would almost think its the other way around. Getting married and then living together and discovering it doens't work.

Personally I think it is smarter and wiser to 'try before you buy' but in the same sense I agree that if you love someone, you'll make it work. We've both made sacrifices and adapted and work through some pretty big issues together flawlessly and with no problems because we are committed and want it to work, so I can understand how that statement holds true.

That statistic about higher breakup rates of people who lived together before marriage is true, but that's not the whole story.

 

If you move in together for financial reasons, and not because you are definitely getting married, growing old together, that kind of thing, then it is more likely you are going to break up.

 

If you move in together in preparation for marriage, then it is not as likely.

That's why. People that move in for the wrong reasons. Thinking it will fix a relationship, because they want to get away from parents houses or housemates, because they want to be on the property ladder...

For me, I think it's necessary to live together beforehand. There's a lot of things you learn by living with a person that you wouldn't figure out otherwise. Like hersmudders said, I was also technically engaged to someone, lived with him and we broke up. Had we went straight to marriage, I would be one unhappy wife/divorcee.

It seems to me that the people that are willing to get married first, are willing to see it through til the end... They don't view it as "we're just trying each other out." Instead, they make a decision that they want to be with someone, make the commitment and then work harder to make the marriage work.

When just trying something out... it's so easy to dispose of it.

I would definitely live with someone before marriage. I don't think you really truly know the person until you live with them. I would NOT get married without living with my guy first. I think it's so important you know if you two can share a home together and make things work before you decide you are good enough together to tie the knot.

It seems to me that the people that are willing to get married first, are willing to see it through til the end... They don't view it as "we're just trying each other out." Instead, they make a decision that they want to be with someone, make the commitment and then work harder to make the marriage work.

 

When just trying something out... it's so easy to dispose of it.

I kind of agree...in that those who are moving in with a view to getting married etc., will have a far higher chance of it working out. Those who are moving in thinking "well we'll see if this works, then we'll talk about marriage.." those are the ones I think are headed towards breaking up. If the idea that they are 'trying it out' is there, then that's no good.

It seems to me that the people that are willing to get married first, are willing to see it through til the end... They don't view it as "we're just trying each other out." Instead, they make a decision that they want to be with someone, make the commitment and then work harder to make the marriage work.

 

When just trying something out... it's so easy to dispose of it.

I agree with you ITG.

When people say "try it before you buy it", I feel so cheap to me. We are not talking about TV or a car. I guess marriage is more about understanding. Any relationship requires understanding, time, commitment, trust and faith. If you are not ready to invest these in your relationship, even if you live together many years before you get married, your marriage is bound to fail.

I know couples who did not live together prior to their marriage and are happy and I know who lived together prior to their marriage and are divorced now.

Its personal choice but I would not live together before marriage. If I can not judge a person, I must not get married to that person.

I agree with you ITG.

 

When people say "try it before you buy it", I feel so cheap to me. We are not talking about TV or a car. I guess marriage is more about understanding. Any relationship requires understanding, time, commitment, trust and faith. If you are not ready to invest these in your relationship, even if you live together many years before you get married, your marriage is bound to fail.

 

I know couples who did not live together prior to their marriage and are happy and I know who lived together prior to their marriage and are divorced now.

 

Its personal choice but I would not live together before marriage. If I can not judge a person, I must not get married to that person.

Thats how I feel in a sense.

Its just that for us the next step seems to be moving in together and then marriage.

Its not a trial period to see if it works [even though I did say try before you buy haha] We view it as just another step in our relationship towards achieving x, y and z.

I know you can get to know someone fairly well without living together..we'll have been together about 5 years before the reality of living together is an option.

I appreciate the responses. I had a friend from school who moved in with her boyfriend at the beginning of the summer and had the attitiude of "If we can survive this, we can survive anything" attitude, as if living together was a final test to their already crappy relationship. Which I can see where the different mentalities in these cases can arise.

I guess I feel like there isn't alot at stake by taking the next step. It's not a make or break situation for us. But I can also understand the wanting the marriage to happen prior to that. Hmm...now I got my mind going haha.

I highly recommend living together before marriage.

You see the realistic side of the person and find out what being married to them would really be like. Dating is not anywhere close to living with someone. Being in love with someone does NOT mean you can live with them.

I think that is important to know before you get married.

As far as the statistics go, I agree it is probably due to people who move in for the wrong reasons instead of as a transition to being more committed.

I also believe in people more than I do statistics. Do what is right for you !

I personally think it's a good idea- "You never really know someone until you've lived with them" - I've discovered this to be the truth with SO many people I know. But it's your choice.

I've done it both ways, lived together with a man for 5 years and it didn't work out, and have been living with my fiance for 5.5 years and getting married in 9 weeks. I think it's a deeply personal choice and that really, living together isn't likely to change the outcome of your relationship. If you are committed to each other and that relationship, living with each other before marriage (or not) isn't going to change that.

JMHO.