Should I tell my wife's married lover's wife about them?

My marriage is ending in divorce. My wife is currently involved with a married man. He tells her, or she tells me that he tells her, that he is separated from his wife. I tell her that she ought to call the wife and verify if that is true (they live in another state). I don't think the wife know so I think I should call her and tell her because it would be the ethical thing to do. I sure wish that someone had told me that my wife was cheating on me. But I also know that my biggest motive if I did would be simple revenge on my wife and her boyfriend. And yet, there is such a thing as doing the right thing for the wrong reason. I really truly believe that the innocent spouse has a right to know if their wife or husband is cheating on them But I also feel guilty about having all this hate and anger inside of me and maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and at least maybe one of the two marriages will survive. So I don't know what to do. I truly believe that the ethical thing to do would be call her, but I think I would feel slimy if I did, because of the hate/revenge factor. Also, both of these marriages have 4 children each, young and still living at home. What do I do? thanks for your replies.

kids or no kids its not your choice that would be effecting it it was her husbands...make the call but think a lot about what and how your going to say it...you of all people know how it feels.

nice name btw lol

Oh Great point knightsnshiningarmor

I am so sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much better and you will find it in time I promise. It is an amazingly humble act that you have not contacted her. Doing so would definitety create severe turmoil in the household and could possibly change these children's lives forever. If you do end up contacting her makes sure you have proof, she won't just believe a stranger over her husband. I am young and impulsive so I most probably would have contacted the wife already. My vindicive nature makes me do these things. When I was 12 my best friend's parents split because the father had an affair with their gardner (she was nothing compared to the wife by the way) she cried for 2 months straight. And till this day she still thinks sex means nothing and that all men are prone to cheating.

By the way, haven't you noticed that cheaters attract cheaters? Adulterous men like a variety of woman, so if he really isn't separated than your wife is about to lose control of her game.

yeah tell her. atleast she wont be played for a complete fool much longer.

or maybe you could call that cheaters show?? youd have a great story for them.

4 kids? thats 4 sets of child support... all of is pay probably, your wife and him can live in a box under a bridge.

Several years ago I lived with a guy (5 years we lived together)..he would constantly go back to his ex-wife and a variety of other women, even though he professed to be in love with me and wanted to spend his life with me. I suspected, but had no definate proof, however, friends and aquaintances had seen him out with these women and knew he was cheating on me.

I've always told my friends and family that if they knew that someone I was serious with was cheating on me they had better tell me. Just think about the possible ramifications from that....whatever health issues, etc. the mistress (what do you call the man?) has, he or she is bringing it home to the spouse or significant other. Not to mention the lack of respect for the person who loves you and gives you their all!

It is my opinion that you should tell the wife....be careful of how your phrase things and be absolute sure you have enough proof for her. Be prepared for her to call you a liar and/or troublemaker and to hang up on you. Also remember that she is likely to be suspecting something anyway...

Best of luck to you. I know how hard this is for you to go through, especially with children involved. Take the high road and don't speak poorly of your wife to the children. Confide in a close friend or family member and get those feelings out!!! If need be, find a counselor who can help you work through the pain of the situation...I did and it helped tremendously!!

I'll be thinking about you.

I sure wish that someone had told me that my wife was cheating on me.

Living a lie is too cruel.

I'd rather be Guilty of the telling the truth...and letting her sort out the mess her husband created.

If it were me, I would want to know.

Well thank you for all your replies, people--the general consensus (I think unanimous, in fact) seems to be that I should tell the wife. I agree. To me, the bottom line is that people have a right to know, and if it falls to me to make the unpleasant phone call to this poor woman, well then it falls to me. I guess what is holding me back is thinking of her children, because while living a lie is too cruel, the children are not living a lie; they are living in a family with two parents. So if this guy is just having a bad year or two and will straighten out and go back to his wife and family maybe I shouldn't destroy that possibility with a phone call. But I have no way of knowing any of this.

The other thing holding me back is my own ethical puzzle of doing the right thing for the wrong reason. I'm not religious but I have been reading the Bible recently to help me get through this and in it Jesus says to make your prayers in private, not to make a public display of it and also to give your gifts to the poor anonymously, not publicly so that other people know what a great generous person you are. Jesus just doesn't like the hypocrites who do the right thing (charity) for the wrong reason (public show). So I'm not sure that Jesus would say that it is even possible for a man to do the right thing for the wrong reason. If you do it for the wrong reason (revenge) then it is wrong, an act of hate, revenge. Jesus also says that it is OK to eat with unwashed hands because you cannot defile yourself with what you put into your mouth but only with what comes out of your mouth (words)

So I think she has a right to know, but I also think my heart is impure and full of hate that I need to be very careful of.

Thank you for your replies, kind people.

Conquer the angry man by love.

Conquer the ill-natured man by goodness.

Conquer the miser with generosity.

Conquer the liar with truth.

The Dhammapada

Make an island of yourself,

make yourself your refuge;

there is no other refuge.

Make truth your island,

make truth your refuge;

there is no other refuge.

Digha Nikaya, 16

The Path to Peace has many roads...

I think your guilt alone shows that you are not doing it merely out of spite.. coming here shows you are a decent person and that although you may find some joy in bringing a little pain to your wife and her lover you will ultimately feel more sympathy for another human being receiving the same news you had to go through.

i tell her for you.... your not destroying the kids lives at all. you might save them from following in his footsteps when they grow up.

Once she knows and confronts him then maybe they will work things out... atleast she will know the truth and and can stop being crapped on everyday.

I feel that you should tell her. If you do tell her and the marriage is ended, just remember that it's not your fault...it's his fault for going out on the marriage. This is something that she has a right to know and it's unfortunate that you may have to be the one to tell her. How was it that you found out he was married? So sorry that this has happened to you...it's a shame that this is going on to anyone.

TELL HER. Yes her life as she knew it will be ruined. But it'd be worse the longer she stayed with that pathetic #$&*$@*$@. You feel me?

I was in the same situation as you were about five years ago. My ex wife had a dalliance (my word for her rather brief affair) with her also married boss. It ended after a few encounters (my ex was sloppy about it and I learned about the situation fairly soon after it started), and I debated the exact issue you're facing: do I tell his wife or not?

In the end, I did not. I felt that telling her would have been motivated to a large degree out of spite -- a desire to inflict the pain on his own marriage directly that he and my ex had done on mine. I didn't see that as a legitimate motive after thinking about it for a few days. I know there's an argument that I should have told her out of respect for her .. but I didn't see myself as the policeman of their marriage.

I also faced the issue of whether to tell the company that my ex worked for (certainly what they did was violating corporate policy in a pretty serious way), but I decided against that, too. Again, it would have been motivated by spite, and I didn't want to inflict that on either him or my ex at the time.

Human nature is evil, and goodness is caused by intentional activity.

Xun Zi

God judged it better to bring good out of evil than to suffer no evil to exist.

Saint Augustine

All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

Every judgement of conscience, be it right or wrong, be it about things evil in themselves or morally indifferent, is obligatory, in such wise that he who acts against his conscience always sins.

Thomas Aquinas

Evil breeds in silence...this may not have been the first time he cheated on his wife, nor may it be the last time. She only doesn't know. Those that have been cheated on, most would wished to have been told...so that they could truly evaluate with all the Facts whether or not they wished to continue. That is a terrible knowledge that others knew...and told her nothing. She was not considered important enough to know?...That is cruel and dehumanizing.

KnightNshiningArmour I believe said it best. You are the best person to tell her, as you are in the same pain and can best offer her understanding and empathy.

Don't be paralyzed second guessing yourself too long for the reasons of your anger, spite or vengeance. They are justified but they are not the primary intention. It is easiest to say and do Nothing. It takes guts to speak out and stand by the Truth...that is far more painful. Doing Right is not easy, as you are warring with yourself considering Silence...but then Evil wins.

The Path to Peace is not an easy one...but it is very clear which one it is.

You can tell her and then proposition her for a relationship to even things out.

Me, out of spite, I'd call her.

But thats just me

Here's a different angle.....

Maybe you SHOULDN'T tell her. Maybe the guy is playing her for a fool, and is never going to leave his wife. The best revenge you could get on your ex would be for her to waste 3 or 4 years with this guy only to find out he's not gonna leave his wife.

Honestly, since you don't know for sure one way or the other what his current wife knows or doesn't know, you could just as easily stay out of it. Besides, you might even be doing him a favor by telling her. Then he doesn't have to.....

I sure wish that someone had told me that my wife was cheating on me.

..........

Well said ~Enigmatika~.

This mindset ("I'll butt out because it's none of my business") is very troubling for it is also behind witnesses of crimes that choose not to come forward. I truly hope and pray that the advocates of not telling the other betrayed spouse, never find themselves, or their loved ones, being the victims of an unresolved crime, all because a witness chose not to get involved.

Well sooner or later the wife is going to find out. IT always comes out.

I'm curious about something. Do you want to tell the wife in hopes that the husband will probably have no choice but to work it out with her thereforeeee leaving your soon to be ex wife alone and looking for comfort back with you?

Actually, by telling the wife you may actually help your ex-wife's cause along because his wife may throw him out and then your ex-wife's dreams come true because he is now available to her.

Most married men DON'T leave their wives for another woman, unless the wife finds out and boots him out.

So if you're doing it for spite, don't, because it will HELP your wife out by breaking up the guy's marriage.

I also personally would think long and hard before telling someone's spouse and breaking up a marriage where kids are involved. she may eventually find out, or already know, but it really is like launching a grenade into someone's house and requires a lot of thought before making that decision. there are lots of innocent victims there (the wife and kids) so tread lightly.

Thank you for your kind replies, people. A couple more points of background.

I know the guy is married because my wife told me, (supposedly he is separated) also I easily found him and his family on Google (unusual last name) all the hits relate to his 4 kids in various grades of Catholic School newspapers (and he and his wife donating X dollars etc)

I know he is not getting a divorce because the County he lives in posts their court filings online and there is no divorce action pending (nor anything filed at all; the unusual last name makes the internet snoopery a breeze)

The first I learned of this guy was the phone bill when all these calls to this out of state number show up, my wife more or less tells me the truth "oh we're just friends, blah blah blah lie lie lie;"

My wife told me that his wife found out about their "friendship" and requested that he stop it, she told me they "said their goodbyes" in November 07, she went there, the same state her Mother lives, but the phone calls didn't stop, they started again only now him with a new phone number.

So he told his wife he would stop his relationship with my wife only he didn't--he got a new phone.

Now my wife is making plans to go on "vacation" the last week of June.

My wife first started to cheat on me 18 months ago, she had two boyfriends here in town and I went and consulted a divorce attorney an older gentleman, and I told him that I didn't want a divorce and that I was hopeful my wife's midlife crisis would pass quickly because it wouldn't take her long to run through the few unmarried men in her social circle and he just looked at me and said "don't be surprised if she starts in on the married ones." I was somewhat taken aback because my wife had never been an immoral person like that before but he said it is common for people who start cheating on their spouse to start moving in on other people's marriages as well because they lose all moral compass and either believe or want to believe that marriage is only a piece of paper and "everyone does it."

This has come to pass and now I am of very mixed feelings for my wife because I feel sorry for her that she is so lost but I also have lost my respect for her because she is sticking knives into the backs of this guys 4 children and I just think that is not excuseable, I don't care how lost you are you don't do that to children.

So, part of me wants to tell the other guy's wife so she will move in and stop this sad joke of a mid-life crisis romance between her husband and my wife and my wife would then realize her foolishness and come back to her own home and children where she belongs but part of me wants to tell just to cause suffering for my wife and her boyfriend and a big part of that suffering would be for him to watch his own family being destroyed because of his conduct.

But as an adult I have to give his wife the benefit of the doubt and assume she is an adult too and has the inherent right to self-determination and to decide what is best for her children and it may be that she, if she had complete information, would decide that it is best for her children that she divorce the loser.

I think she has a right to know. But I also think my heart is full of hate, and that scares me. I like the suggestion that I go have an affair with her.

Do you think if I sent her an email requesting she send a naked picture to me a total stranger she would figure out why? Maybe my name would tip her off (I too have an unusual last name.)

I feel bad for her. But I am afraid for her children if I do tell. Their father is scum. Maybe it is better that they not know that. But I sure don't have the right to decide what is best for her children. Only she has that right. If she thinks it best for her children that she stick with the loser and not get divorced then she could make that choice. Right now she has no choice. She is blindfolded and her hands are bound by deceit. I could free her. I guess I am afraid that if I do she will do something destructive, but that is me projecting my own personality onto her. She could be another Mother Teresa for all I know. I don't know anything about her. I almost feel like I should track down a sister or something and tell her so she could decide what to do but that is just punting the whole mess or is it?

thanks.

Anyway kind people, thanks for your thoughts. I am grateful to the women among you that have written (men too) because you have a perspective that I otherwise wouldn't see.

I vote don't tell. You are messing in other people's lives when you really are only responsible for your own. For all you know, his wife is aware, and she is comfortable in her state of denial. It's not anyone's place to judge that. You might be forcing her into something she doesn't feel ready to confront.

You are right to question your own motivation. Doing something out of spite is not the way to go.

You do also have the option of telling your wife that you suspect this man is not separated and what you are considering doing in light of that. Maybe that will set the wheels in motion.

My wife told me that his wife found out about their "friendship" and requested that he stop it, she told me they "said their goodbyes" in November 07, she went there, the same state her Mother lives, but the phone calls didn't stop, they started again only now him with a new phone number.

 

So he told his wife he would stop his relationship with my wife only he didn't--he got a new phone.

His wife knew something was *wrong* and he with a 1000 and 1 promises swore to the Holy of Holies that it was OVER...Not.

She cannot figure out what is wrong with the marriage and is probably twisting herself inside out trying to solve the unresolvable....as he is Lying to her. *nice*

By telling her the truth...you grant her the Freedom to choose to stay or leave. She was obviously NOT ok with their "friendship"....you can be certain she will no be accepting of his cheating either.

She is blindfolded and her hands are bound by deceit. I could free her.

...sadly you are part of the Blindfold....exactly what is that you protect while you let another Rot when you fear to speak the Truth?

If you were to be put to the sword:

1. Would rather have the blade slowly twisted into your bowels while the blood oozed from the edges.

or

2. A sharp brutal gash and the deed was done.

...the End Results are the Same.

Strange question for you Cuckhold:

Imagine you are walking down a street, a lonely quiet place. A little puppy, with mange, stringy and starved. The little one is scared and starts to run but he is limping...

a. You think nothing of it. Damn strays.

b. You look the other way and forget you saw it.

c. You kneel down and try to call the little one to you. Take it home.

What would you do?

Strange question for you Cuckhold:

 

Imagine you are walking down a street, a lonely quiet place. A little puppy, with mange, stringy and starved. The little one is scared and starts to run but he is limping...

a. You think nothing of it. Damn strays.

b. You look the other way and forget you saw it.

c. You kneel down and try to call the little one to you. Take it home.

 

What would you do?

I don't see why that's such a strange question. It's rather obvious what you're going for. But they aren't parallel situations. The woman in question is not a helpless puppy. She is a grown woman who is in a marriage [with children] that we know nothing about. The poster has admitted to his primary motivation being spite. That is not quite the same motivation used when picking up a stray puppy.

The poster also runs the risk that she will be angry at the messenger, not her husband. He has no idea what lengths she or her husband will go to to exact revenge on someone interfering in their marriage. Humans are capable of some crazy stuff. Crimes of passion do happen.