Should I tell my wife's married lover's wife about them?

[Enigmatika]

Bulletproof...you don't understand the reason for the question...

Your previous answer made that clear...and your response...more so.

[bulletproof]

Bulletproof...you don't understand the reason for the question...

Your previous answer made that clear...and your response...more so.

 

Please enlighten me, then. I'm pretty sure I understood it exactly. Tell me what it means. I am well aware of the principle of social responsibility. I just don't think it applies in this case.

[cuckhold]

I mean, am I to view the guy's wife as the forlorn little puppy, because I don't; to do that is to typecast her as the stereotypical mousy little wronged wife and since I've never met her, who knows? She could be a real hell-cat. So I just don't understand the question. My wife and her boyfriend are a couple of rodents who deserve to be kicked into the gutter, but you can't kick them into the gutter without kicking their kids into the gutter as well.

 

To put it another way, there are no ways to inflict isolated pain on the two bad actors; there would always be collateral damage. Perhaps this is what Jesus meant by the parable of the Tares (weeds) and wheat: "should we uproot the tares growing among the wheat?, the servants asked the master. "no," he said, "Let the wheat grow ripe and then at harvest time separate the weeds from the ripe wheat and cast the weeds into the fire." Jesus actually explains this parable to the disciples: The field is the earth; the weeds are bad people put there by Satan; the wheat is good people put there by God; only at judgment day does God separate the bad from the good and cast them into hell. Why? Why wait? Why suffer evil? Why not just throw it into hell right now? Perhaps it is because even evil people have nice families, children, wives, etc, so that burning them before they die would hurt the innocent. If Jesus is that careful of collateral damage perhaps we should be too. The other type of collateral damage is to yourself, of course: Question: Does taking just revenge make you stronger, or weaker?

 

One poster did post a quote by Thomas Aquinas that spoke to me: If it feels bad to the conscience, don't do it.

 

Still pondering. Thanks for your input people.

[Extra Crispy]

So in conclusion, it is not that your wife and her lover cheated on their respective spouses, it is that they got caught. If you have been kept ignorant, everything would have right with the world. Furthermore, it is your fault for refusing to be in denial and trying to find out the truth. For all we know you might be a violent husband who would have cause great harm to his wife and her lover. You should have kept in mind the old saying "What he doesn't know, won't hurt him".

[Enigmatika]

OK-- I don't understand the question.

You don't need to. Nothing mysterious. Just a gut reaction.

I mean, am I to view the guy's wife as the forlorn little puppy, because I don't

No.

Puppy does not represent the wife.

You did not choose A B or C....there are no other choices. Which one would you pick?

Or put to the sword 1 of 2...? Which one?

One poster did post a quote by Thomas Aquinas that spoke to me: If it feels bad to the conscience, don't do it.

Every judgement of conscience, be it right or wrong, be it about things evil in themselves or morally indifferent, is obligatory, in such wise that he who acts against his conscience always sins.

Thomas Aquinas

 

You want to tell her....but you fight the demons of spite in questioning your conscience....yet wished someone had told YOU when your wife was cheating on you...??

 

Acts of compassion are not always acts of personal convenience.

Walking the path of truth is also not one always of greatest ease. However in this case, your hands are now dirty...will you wash them? Or take the easy route....

The field is the earth; the weeds are bad people put there by Satan; the wheat is good people put there by God; only at judgment day does God separate the bad from the good and cast them into hell. Why? Why wait? Why suffer evil? Why not just throw it into hell right now? Perhaps it is because even evil people have nice families, children, wives, etc, so that burning them before they die would hurt the innocent.

The innocent are burning

All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

- MAtthew (ch. VII, v. 12)

 

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

- Matthew (ch. VII, v. 13-14)

...

[bulletproof]

This post is so unnecessarily cryptic. Why not just say what you mean? And I'm still pretty sure I got the puppy analogy. Nothing you've said here makes me think differently. She may not have *literally* been the puppy, but you were basically making the point about whether one's knowledge of a bad situation makes him complicit. But again, I don't think they are comparable situations, and making a rule accross the board would suggest that life is black and white, which it isn't.

[whichwayisup]

I was in a long-term relationship when I discovered on my own that he was cheating and in a relationship with another woman. I was not only devastated at the discovery, but more upset that some of his family was aware of this for a while and chose not to tell either of us (she knew nothing either). I felt humiliated and foolish and betrayed.

 

Once I discovered the truth, I went back and forth about whether to tell his fiance what was going on (yes, as it turns out, I discovered he was also engaged). Initially, I thought I'd leave it alone, but he continued to contact me as "friends" after all this mess after he told me he was going to stay with her. He must have assumed that he would continue to carry on this secret with two women, and I'd gladly go along with it. He was wrong.

 

It bothered me that I knew something that could negatively affect another person's future. Sure, he was out of my life, but would he do it to her again with another woman once married?

 

I could have easily walked away, but I know it would have bothered me. If I was in her shoes, I would appreciate someone telling me. So I sent her a letter just letting her know. I told her she could contact me if she wished, but left it at that. I figured then she had the choice, but at least she was in the know. Doesn't she deserve the truth?

 

I do not regret my decision to reveal this lie he was keeping. I feel it was the right thing to do, and it was done with no ill intent.

 

To each his own, I suppose.

But if I were in that position, I'd want the truth.

[Enigmatika]

This post is so unnecessarily cryptic. Why not just say what you mean? And I'm still pretty sure I got the puppy analogy. Nothing you've said here makes me think differently. She may not have *literally* been the puppy, but you were basically making the point about whether one's knowledge of a bad situation makes him complicit. But again, I don't think they are comparable situations, and making a rule accross the board would suggest that life is black and white, which it isn't.

Cryptic...???

You try to analyze...but you don't answer.

 

Not even close...

[bulletproof]

Cryptic...???

You try to analyze...but you don't answer.

 

Not even close...

 

Why would I answer? The question wasn't posed to me, first of all. Secondly, you keep telling me I'm not close and then still not saying what it means. Whatever. It actually doesn't matter. I still say the OP shouldn't tell, and I've backed that opinion up in plain English.

[Enigmatika]

Why would I answer?

Correct...don't know why you bother to analyze it either. The question was not posed to you for analysis.

The question wasn't posed to me, first of all. Secondly, you keep telling me I'm not close and then still not saying what it means.

Because it is in plain English. Nothing to analyze.

 

Whatever. It actually doesn't matter. I still say the OP shouldn't tell, and I've backed that opinion up in plain English.

Plenty of others with equally excellent English skills who have LIVED through that situation have posted the opposite. Go figure that one....

But if I were in that position, I'd want the truth.

[bulletproof]

Correct...don't know why you bother to analyze it either. The question was not posed to you for analysis.

 

Anything posted on these boards, whether it's by the original poster or not, is by its nature put forth for analysis. The question was not posed directly to me, though, so they are not comparable situations.

 

Because it is in plain English. Nothing to analyze.

 

It isn't in plain English. The posts are full of metaphors, old English from the Bible, arbitrary capitalization that may or may not have a message, and non-sequitors. That is not plain English.

 

Plenty of others with equally excellent English skills who have LIVED through that situation have posted the opposite. Go figure that one....

 

I wasn't commenting on their English skills. Nor do I fault them for having an opinion. I simply called into question your use of the puppy analogy, the one that you still haven't explained. And you don't know what I have lived through.

 

I'm all done, though. Good luck to the OP, whatever you decide to do.

[cuckhold]

It is just a question of when. I already did call her once 6 months ago but got the answering machine. I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for, but I guess I'll wait until my own divorce is final so I won't have to worry about my own angry (ex ) wife. But of course, that is self-serving. But my wife is also fragile; she used to be a good woman; now she has lost her way; turned her life into a toilet and is swimming around in it, confusing that with "happiness;" I just think she will come out of it at some point and get normal again and then I can tell Mr. Wonderful's wife without having to worry about my own wife going off the deep end, blowback on my kids; but THAT is self-serving; "what does my naval look like from this angle? And how 'bout over here? and how 'bout in the mirror?" etc etc, that is the problem with analysis, never ends. I think the simple answer is that the truth is always kind and a lie is always cruel. period. end of story. So, she deserves to know, and will; at my convenience, I guess; I can't help but feel I'm taking on a whole lot of guilt that really isn't mine, but I take it on anyway. The kids complicate things. But I have to assume she is an adult and can stay with the guy if she thinks it best. My problem is that I'm really worried about my own wife. She isn't well and I'm worried about what she will do if I jerk the rug out from her little fantasy world.

 

My worry is not without cause--last year she purposely OD'd on pills and I had to drive her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped.

 

So if I thought she was well I'd have no hesitation at all.

But then, maybe flushing her little toilet is precisely what it would take to make her well. Again, too much analysis. I guess I should lose the guilt about telling her at my own convenience. It's not like I owe the wife (my) and boyfriend any favors. And for his wife, she's in a 20 year marriage with this scum--I don't see where a couple more months will make a meaningful difference in her life.

 

Thanks for your input, all.