"The letter." (Probably won't send it.) Thoughts?

Hey Enots. I gotta letter I’m thinking of sending. But…hmm..probably won’t.

Background – In mid February, a guy I had been dating for 1 ½ years said he needed three months to sequester himself, get the last of his stuff out of his system, and finally decide if he wants to be with me forever. I said okay, but I’m not going to be waiting. I’ve had very limited contact, with no contact for the past three weeks, though he has emailed/called a several times with pithy messages of little substance. I haven't responded.

Basically where I’m at is – I want to stop myself from waiting and shed that last little bit of hope. It’s time for me to move on, and I’m just giving myself a little bit more time before I make it official that it’s totally done. (I don’t want to tell him it’s totally over without actually meaning it). SO …I’ve written a letter, which I may or may not send, and certainly won’t send till I’m confident about saying goodbye forever.

What do you think? Please be brutal. I want to do this right.

“Hey X. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about all of this. I don’t know where you’re at, but I thought I would just give you a shout-out and tell you what’s going on over here.

There’s been a strong mix confusion, hope, disappointment, and frustration on my end, and at some point I just got pushed over the edge. So…as for your big ‘decision’… you’re off the hook. I’m not ecstatic about how certain things went down at times, but we had a good run with a decent ending. I wish there was a neat way to wrap this all up with a bow, but there it is. I take ownership for my own unhappiness in the relationship – you were for the most part honest about where you were at, and I probably should have left earlier knowing what I knew.

If you are really intent on meeting up to talk about it, we can do that, but I don’t want to dwell on this any more than is necessary. You’d have to move a couple of mountains in order for me to feel confident about any sort of relationship in the future, so I’d say this turkey is done. If you think you can stomach it, I’d really like to just shake hands via email and go our separate ways, no hard feelings (or very few, at least).

The friends thing is going to have to wait a long time. Please don’t ask for it, or bug me for justification. It’s just what I need. I’ll let you know when/if I ever get there.

Good luck and I hope all is well at the job and the new place and all…

X.”

This email makes me sound a whole helluva lot calmer than I actually am (which is why I need to wait to send it till I am). I don't want to sound bitter, but I don't want to sound jolly. I'm just trying to represent reality without getting too emotional. Ya know?

I REALLY like that! Yes...you are calmly letting him know that you are going to take care of yourself now and that you are out of the picture! Very nice!! xx

Yeah, I like it too. I think you stated what you need to state and clearly drew the line that you didn't want to be crossed. Well said! One grammar error that I found "There’s been a strong mix OF confusion, hope, disappointment, and frustration on my end" You forgot the "of"

Wow, very good and makes you out to be very strong.

When you're really ready to move on, I don't think you could have written a better letter.

Heck, when I need to move on, I'll probably copy yours and send it too!

I think it's a good letter. I'm in a similar situation as you and have written a couple of unsent emails now...one 3 pager, very angry, one more along the lines of what you've written. Just getting it out and onto paper helps alot....don't send it until you're completely ready, and when you feel you're ready wait another couple of weeks and see if your feelings change again, because they'll be up and down.

I think it is a good letter. Just be absolutely sure that you really mean it and will stand by it. Don't have a hope that it will push him into wanting to come back to you and be disappointed if he doesn't.

The problem is...I want to feel totally confident sending this and saying goodbye...but I'm just not ready to back it up mentally.

Because if he DID move those two mountains...

I wanted to add that I especially like the last line about being friends. It astounds me that people think they can go from dumping us to being friends practically overnight and your letter expresses that very well.

Exactly, DN.

I wonder how long I should sit on it before I can deem myself "sure".

The problem is...I want to feel totally confident sending this and saying goodbye...but I'm just not ready to back it up mentally.

 

Because if he DID move those two mountains...

Your not ready yet. You have all the time you need and there's no hurry to send it.

The problem is...I want to feel totally confident sending this and saying goodbye...but I'm just not ready to back it up mentally.

 

Because if he DID move those two mountains...

Another thing - if he should want to come back - don't make it difficult for him. The more I think about it the more I think that the comment about moving mountains is not a good idea.

Greensleeves -- you got it. This guy has pushed the whole "if it doesn't work out , WE WILL be friends!!!" thing since we first started the break-up discussions.

Mm hmm. You just keep thinking that, buddy.

DN.... point taken. Nobody should have to move mountains. Not even ex boyfriends.

DON'T SEND IT. I think deep down your reasons for sending it is a) so you can get the last word in and not feel like he dumped you and b) to show him he is losing you and maybe he will beg for a chance. His declaration that he needs three months was simply his way of breaking up with you because calling a break is the more palatable way of saying I am breaking up with you. You should not be waiting around for those three months, you should in your head be moving on. You haven't responded and that is good...that sends the clear message that you are moving on and not waiting with baited breath for his royal highness to make a decision. If you send the letter it will just show that you are indeed aggravated about the situation. By not sending it and just ignoring his lame attempts at contact, you are showing that you couldn't care less. Also, if you send the letter you might regret it later on. At least by doing nothing, you still leave the door open for him just in case (not that you should wait for him, but just that down the road one never knows...better to end on polite terms than on hostile terms).

What is he doing while he keeps you waiting??

All good points...you guys are awesome. I guess at the very least writing this helped me visualize the end a little bit more clearly, if I ever do get there.

All part of moving on. Okay, I'm archiving this puppy.

Litgirl....who knows? I haven't been in contact with him. I think he's trying to squeeze in bachelorhood before he "has to get married." (arranged marriage is the norm where he's from)

All good points...you guys are awesome. I guess at the very least writing this helped me visualize the end a little bit more clearly, if I ever do get there.

 

All part of moving on. Okay, I'm archiving this puppy.

 

Litgirl....who knows? I haven't been in contact with him. I think he's trying to squeeze in bachelorhood before he "has to get married." (arranged marriage is the norm where he's from)

Exactly right. This is a great letter: for you. Sending it to him would just be "picking at the wound", so to speak as the words as you present them here are attempting to justify your closure. It's great that you wrote it, keep it, or not, and know and respect the time and space that you need to heal and move on.

I agree with CAD - Don't Send it.

It sounds like you've already decided this anyway. Great to write the letter to get your feelings out but it's best to do nothing. If you do nothing, you can't screw up and you will not later regret your actions. Good luck!

I agree with DN - eliminate the "moving mountains" sentence in its entirety. This turkey is done part is not that great either. I like the letter but anything that could be perceived as angry or a punch probably is not a good idea. Would you want to add something that says "missing" or "longing" to the first sentence about mix of emotions?

Last thought....in mid-February he asked for 3 months, right? I'd be hurt and frustrated if I were you, but wouldn't you wait until mid-May (at least) to send this? If you agreed to give him the time, then it might be best to live up to that from your end. You wouldn't want to spend any time later second-guessing an early letter, would you? You can stil be "done" privately until mid-May if you want.

Just thoughts...

I don't see any problem with sending the letter when you are really and truly ready to do so.

hmmmm... if arranged marriages are the norm in his country, then he and his family have probably been interviewing prospective brides during that 3 months!

Lots of dumpers use the 'break' excuse to sneak off without an emotional scene. He's hoping that at the end of 3 months you'll have forgotten to be angry with him when he shows up with an arranged bride.

If it were me, i'd be a bit more brief... send him an email that says something to the extent of last chance, going going GONE! then mean it and don't bother to do the 'friendship' stuff. that will appease his guilt but there's nothing in that for you.

Yeah...Scenic Boy... I hear what you're saying. Actually you kind of get to the core of the issue...the real meat. Which sucks. This letter I drafted kind of glosses it over, but you found what's really irking me...and until I'm at peace with everything, there's no way I'm ready to send the letter.

I guess where this letter comes from is, why am I waiting? Should I wait for him to come back, for him to decide, for him to do this or that? Do I owe him that somehow? Can't I take ownership and just...put myself out of my misery? (not that it's THAT bad)

Intellectually, I feel like I should be moving on, because this is the second time we've broken up. Before, we had been dating casually for nine months, and then I found out he was seeing other people. At that point, we had never had "the talk" (we both admitted fault for that). He felt pretty badly. I was upset, he was confused, and after a highly exciting and intense 2 months of rollercoaster action, I eventually told him I didn't want to hear from him until he was ready for a real relationship with me. 3 months of NC later, he was ready for that relationship...and we got back together, in a "real" relationship -- exclusive. Peachy, things were pretty good. Fast forward to this Feb...and he was restless and confused and feeling lots of pressure to get married from home. He says he doesn't know if he can build a future with me (kids, fam), but he sees the potential. He needs to think about it.

So...I told him...I understand where you're coming from, but...man, emotionally, for me, this is so draining. I guess that's what happens when you fall hard. He said he didn't expect me to wait, but then would allude to making everything better in three months.

I have a gut feeling that if I did "wait" for him, he's just going to tell me he can't do it. I mean, there's kind of a lot going against us, culturally. And in the meantime...what is he doing? Dating other people? Sleeping around? I don't know...we're broken up, and he has the right to do what he wants to do...and I understand, but I don't like it. I suspect I will have a very hard time letting this all go even if he did want me back.

so...

I guess I got a little more into it than I intended, but that's some more background for ya.

BeStrong,

Oh, he's been really up front with the arranged marriage stuff. The whole time we've been dating, his parents have been setting him up with girls to meet every time he goes home. They know about me (I've heard him talk to them on the phone about me) and they know he doesn't want to do the arranged marriage thing.

His parents set these meetings up in collusion with the potential girl's parents, so he's obligated to the initial meeting, and then is forced to make an excuse to turn them down.

Yeah, so...he's had a lot of these meetings and has always told me about it. And I have heard him have some very intense discussions about it with his mom over the phone.

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to say I loved your letter. Very mature and strong with clear boundaries.

I've known several people who've been through a relationship with someone whose culture had arranged marriages.

One of them dated for several years, then the guy went home to visit his family for a month and showed up again with an arranged bride! She had no clue they were even broken up... they went out the night before he left, and she only found out from other people when he got back that he had married.

The second one even lived with the guy. He went round and round with his parents for years, and never agreed to the arranged marriage with someone else, but never agreed to marry her either. He fought with his father over it constantly, but eventually she got tired of him waiting to marry her, and when he wouldn't, she left. He couldn't defy his father, so he couldn't marry her.

Only one ended up marrying the guy, after much fighting in the family. And she ended up adopting his culture, and giving up her own and moving to his country.

So that is a very difficult row to hoe when the culture is very strong to not marry outside the culture and to agree to an arranged marriage. Your boyfriend may not want an arranged marriage, but not be strong enough to tell them no permanently, and may eventually cave and do an arranged marriage. Most of them do.

BeStrong --

Exactly. I have heard the stories, and I am living it myself. I know the odds are very much against us.

Not only that, but do I really want in-laws who are against me on principle? I've never met them -- but his mom certainly sounds formidable.

Someone warned me at the very beginning that indian guys will break your heart. Oh well, I'm the type who has to learn it for myself. Haha.