crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Alrighty. Heres my deal ...Ive felt like something has been going on with my boyfriend and his one girlfriend for awhile now. Well my "feelings" are always right . So I read some messages written between the two of them . And they were planning on hanging out ..without me knowing about it . It wasnt for him to cheat . She told him to tell me ..and he said no because I would flip out . Well he ended up hanging out with her behind my back . So finally I couldnt take it anymore . And I asked him what was going on . I asked him if he liked her and he said yes . My boyfriend "loves " me and likes another woman . Well that just broke my heart because I have done nothing to deserve something like this . So I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said no . And I Said well do you love her . and he said no . But he clearly has a crush on her . It just kills me because I know that the more you talk to somebody the more you get to like them . So I told him either he doesnt talk to her or its over . I know it probaly wasnt the right thing to do but I dont want to lose him . And I Know that if they didnt talk then theres no way he could like her more and more . Well I told him to tell her how he feels about her and why I am so upset about them hanging out . He ended up telling her . So then they were not talking . And then I ended up getting into a pretty bad car accident on the 3rd of febuary , and I had to go stay with my father for a few weeks while my boyfriend was here alone at our apartment . Well while i was gone ..they started talking agian . After I told him how much it hurt me What I want to know is..Is it possible to love me fully but have crushy feelings towards somebody else ? I typed this in a hurry if you want to know more about the situation just let me know Please help me out ..Im stressing out so much im making myself sick Link to comment
jettison Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 He's not ready to be in a committed relationship, period. It's as simple as that. Sure, you could get him to agree not to see this woman, but he'll still think about her, dream about her, fantasize about her, perhaps even when he's with you. You can't change that. You can only control you. So your decision is simple. Can you tolerate some guy who isn't really ready to be in a relationship and will crush on other women, and potentially, cheat on you down the road? If you can handle it then do it. If not, then get out now. It's your choice. One thing is clear, you will not be "reabilitating" him. That's just not done. He will only be resentful and want to do something more is he's continuously told that he can't do something. He's just like a child or a bratty teenager that way. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 of course he is capable of loving you fully he's just stupid that's all. Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 We have been together for over a year and a half though . It was his idea to get serious . I just dont understand what is going on I really dont . I dont want to deal with him liking another woman But I guess it just happens . He said he doesnt want to be with her . They were friend before we met . He had a chance to be with her and he chose me . And she is in a serious relationship as well . And Ive talked to her about this whole thing too I just dont know what to do Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 You can love someone fully while crushing on someone else. We're mammals, it's a trick of our biology. But when you do love someone fully, you put them ahead of the crush and make them your priority. He isn't doing that. Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Well he is too a certain point . I just dont understand him. I mean I even made him cry . I truly got thru to him . I thought. But now they are talking agian . I just dont understand it . Link to comment
rosephase Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Yes he can both love you and like this girl at the same time. The question is do you want to be with him while he is hiding his feelings from you? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I just dont understand it . He's weak and stupid. He knows what he could loose and does it anyway. That is not the action of someone with control. Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 I want to be with him . Because I dont think I would be happier with anybody else . He truly makes me happy. Ive never met anybody that makes me so happy ...but so mad at the same time . Im the one he is with . He must want to be with me. But why would he risk our relationship? Should I let them be friends ? Should I get to know her ..and maybe let them hang out but only if im there with them ?? Link to comment
Bunney Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Did I miss something or why don't I see the problem? You're the jealous type of girl, right? Not trying to justify anything, but it would explain him not telling you when he went to hang out with her. About the liking part, what's the big deal? I like my guy friends (the same way I like my girl friends). That doesn't mean I have a crush on them or want to be with them. Liking is liking somebody as a person, simple as that. I think you're actually pretty possessive and controlling if you're going to forbid him to talk to other girls. You need to trust him. Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 WHOA. I am the furthest thing from being possesive and controlling . he does what he wants no matter what I say . And he doesnt just like her as a friend . He likes her more than a friend . Why wouldnt I have an issue with that ?? Link to comment
princess_summer_blue84 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 No he can't love you and be with someone else. It's impossible. I've been in a situation just like that. All he is doing is hurting you, playing with your head, making you think and believe everything he tells you is the truth when really it's just a lie. Girl please get out of the situation ASAP. Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 He isnt with her ..Hes never told her he wants to be with her . She doesnt like him as more than a friend . Shes in a serious relationship . And she told me that she isnt going to ruin her relationship and even try to ruin ours. I just know that he liked her before me but he chose me instead . And a year and a half later he tells me that he likes her . Doesnt love her . Doesnt want to be with her . But he likes her ..a little more than a friend . Its very confusing Link to comment
princess_summer_blue84 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 He isnt with her ..Hes never told her he wants to be with her . She doesnt like him as more than a friend . Shes in a serious relationship . And she told me that she isnt going to ruin her relationship and even try to ruin ours. I just know that he liked her before me but he chose me instead . And a year and a half later he tells me that he likes her . Doesnt love her . Doesnt want to be with her . But he likes her ..a little more than a friend . Its very confusing BabyGirl, Listen to me. I've been down that same road a lot of times. I've been told the very same thing. Trust me I know how it feels. Let this guy go. He is just telling you this so that you won't think there is anything of it when really he is with her and possibly sleeping with her. Trust me I know these things. Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Theres no way he is with her . He doesnt drive ..and he goes to school ..and im home all day . He isnt cheating on me . I know that much..and she lives 2 hrs away Link to comment
princess_summer_blue84 Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Theres no way he is with her . He doesnt drive ..and he goes to school ..and im home all day . He isnt cheating on me . I know that much..and she lives 2 hrs away How do you know that he isn't cheating on you . Heck she could be there at his school when your home all alone. He might NOT even be at school for that matter. But is you want to still contiue to be confused then go ahead I'm just trying to help you here and you act like you don't want it . Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 No I appreciate it . But he is at school ..Thats a fact ..Im the one that takes him there and picks him up . Im just saying he isnt cheating...I would definatly know if he was Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 I guess I am pretty unclear on how you know he has a "crush on her". Of course he "likes" her - he is friends with her and you tend not to be friends with those you don't like after all, but has he actually stated he is into her in a more than friends way, or are you just assuming he is? I am just unclear on that. I don't think it is healthy for you to tell him to stop seeing her, and I don't think it is healthy for him to lie about it either (but if he knows you get upset that is maybe why...or it may be as he is hiding something). Nothing wrong with being friends if there is honesty and respect for your partners. If however he does "like-like" her, then it's really up to HIM to set boundaries and make the decisions - not you to do it for him or order him too. I do think if he is still "holding" on to someone else in his heart/mind that no, he can't really give you his full 100% (and that is shown in him lying in first place). I also ask how "happy" can you be if you need to force compliance from someone to behave in the manner that makes you feel comfortable? It's not really trust if it only comes by monitoring and policing them. I want to be with him . Because I dont think I would be happier with anybody else . He truly makes me happy. Ive never met anybody that makes me so happy ...but so mad at the same time . This statement is full of inconsistency and honestly some odd beliefs. 1) Thinking you would not be happier with someone else does not mean you wouldn't be, particularly as this issue obviously shows you aren't happy. You are 20 years old, and this is not meant to be condescending but you have a lot of life and experience left to stay with someone whom does not deserve you; the very fact you are limited in this sense is probably having you stay with someone whom is not healthy out of a lack of awareness of what you really need & deserve 2) It is not your partners responsibility to "make" you happy. It is yours. The more you rely on someone else to "make you happy" the more b.s. you tend to put up with because you don't make decisions that consider your own emotional health and what is best for you in the long run 3) Rollercoasters of "happy" and "mad" may be dramatic, but it too is not healthy or part of an equal partnership. Jettison said it well in my opinion, and I think you are wise to read his post again: You can only control you. So your decision is simple. Can you tolerate some guy who isn't really ready to be in a relationship and will crush on other women, and potentially, cheat on you down the road? If you can handle it then do it. If not, then get out now. It's your choice. One thing is clear, you will not be "reabilitating" him. That's just not done. He will only be resentful and want to do something more is he's continuously told that he can't do something. He's just like a child or a bratty teenager that way. You can't change someone, you cannot control their feelings no matter how you may try. And you can't play martyr and be miserable just to "keep" someone whose feelings are really not that into it. He won't love you more for it. Link to comment
Bunney Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 How do you know he likes her more than a friend? Did he ever say it? Cause you never mentioned him saying that. I don't know if you understood my last post, but it doesn't seem so, so I guess I'll have to say it again: LIKING somebody is LIKING, nothing more and nothing less, it's that simple. It doesn't mean wanting to have sex with the person, it doesn't mean loving the person, it doesn't mean wanting to be with the person, and no, it doesn't mean liking the person 'more than a friend'. What's the big deal? He's got a friend that is female, so what? She's in a serious relationship, doesn't like him more than a friend, says that she doesn't want to ruin neither her nor your relationship, and she lives 2 hours away... what are you insecure about? Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 27, 2008 Author Share Posted February 27, 2008 Okay . I asked him if he liked her more than a friend and he said yes. But then I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said no ..And I said well do you love her ? And he said no with a laugh. He likes her . He is attracted to her . It would bother anybody to hear that your boyfriend is secretly hanging out with another girl , there should be no secrets. And then he tells you that he used to have a crush on her but he choose me instead. I have plenty of reasons to be upset. And I told him I didnt want him to talk to her , Because if he likes her , then the more he talks to her the more he will like her , Am I Sposed to sit here and let him grow closer to another woman ? Im very insecure . Its causing major issues. I cant do anything about it . Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 Someone can find someone attractive without wanting to be with them and not wanting to leave their partner. People look. That is what they do. I am sure he has a soft spot for her if he used to really be into her, but does not mean he is wanting more from her. He also said he USED to have a crush on her. We all USED to have a crush on someone. Does not mean we do not love whom we are with any less! To me it is the secrecy that is the issue but I suspect if you have 'ordered' him not to talk to her in past and have shown how insecure/angry you get he feared your reaction too. Im very insecure . Its causing major issues. I cant do anything about it. To be blunt...that is a cop-out. If your attitude is "you can't do anything about it" you are going to spend your life hurting yourself and the people whom you care about by acting out on your insecurities where there is no reason. You take control of it by first controlling your actions when insecure and even looking into some therapy for yourself if you really feel you cannot deal with them. I don't know whether there is something to worry about or not. But I do know if you are insecure you are never going to feel relaxed with ANYONE even if they don't hang out with anyone else. You cannot control the actions of others. If something is up, you can't change that by controlling him or making demands. All you can do is be confident enough in yourself if he did betray you that you would, and could walk away, and you would survive. This takes being independent and happy with yourself as a person, not relying on him as your source of happiness. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 27, 2008 Share Posted February 27, 2008 You can love someone fully and love another person at the same time just as fully. Life is strange that way. Link to comment
Somerandomguy82 Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 What's the big deal? He's got a friend that is female, so what? She's in a serious relationship, doesn't like him more than a friend, says that she doesn't want to ruin neither her nor your relationship, and she lives 2 hours away... what are you insecure about? I couldn't agree with you more. Link to comment
crystalpistel11 Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 Okay well the newest thing is . The girl and her boyfriend broke up..soo now shes single He sent her a message saying exactly this [ive been thinking about you tee hee] Now I have absolutly no chance of working things out with my boyfriend . He likes her . He wants to be with her .. and now that shes single . It could happen Link to comment
AmIafool Posted February 28, 2008 Share Posted February 28, 2008 If he sees her as "more than a friend" and he continues to hang out with her, there's a good chance something more will happen. Even if she never has feelings for him, as long as they stay close friends, that close contact will continue to fan the flames of this crush or attraction he feels toward her. If I were you, I would want to be with someone who is fully into me and not "crushing" on other women. If it's not her, it will be someone else down the line. Don't think you couldn't be happy with someone else. If you think that way, you seriously limit yourself and will miss a lot of opportunities. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking he could be the only "one" ever... you're only 20, and you have more time than you know to find a completely devoted man. You're in a not so great position here with your boyfriend. Obviously you can't be controlling and tell him who he can or cannot talk to, and obviously, he's made the decision to keep talking to her, knowing that it's against your wishes. He isn't taking it upon himself to limit or completely eliminate contact with her. So where does that put you? I find it very telling that he chose to resume contact with her while you were recovering from a terrible accident. An event like that should bring out the deep feelings a person has for someone, and they will naturally act on those feelings of care and concern. What would you do if he had some terrible accident, or came down with a terrible illness? You would be there for him 100%, right? Was he there for you during this time? Did he come to see you? Or did he strictly stay where he was so he could start up with his friend again? I'm sure that he does love you; I'm just questioning his level of commitment at this point. Link to comment
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