Long Distance Divorce

I definitely agree with Hope! You are so strong.

You love him, and that's ok. The important part is that you are not blind to how he is treating you! And you know that you deserve respect!

I am proud of you as well. I can't even imagine how this has to be for you, but I know it has to be so hard. Just trust that you are doing the right thing.

Hey GD,

Sounds like you really needed some hugs today-- here are some more

{{BIG CYBER HUGS}}image removedimage removed

I definitely think you have been through enough emotional turmoil with this guy and his unpredictable back and forth manipulating and stringing you along behavior. You are darn right that he had chance after chance to prove to you what kind of person he is, and he did that..... nothing can take back or change the damage he has already inflicted on you.

The more I talk to you the more I can see that you are a warm hearted, intelligent, kind person who desperately wants to give the benefit of the doubt and see the good in people, and sometimes that can be a fault as well as a blessing (I do it too.. ).

This time though, you are the one who has been suffering, too much and for too long. The best way to get yourself back and learn your self worth is to remove people from your life who don't treat you with kindness, consideration and respect-- numero uno being him.

Hang in there girl!

Perhaps you should block him from your email and telephone so he cannot harass you anymore?

GD,

It's nice to know that you are too smart to fall for his sudden change and charm. As everyone else has said this is nothing more than a cheap dishonest ploy to win you back. You've done something he never thought you were capable of, he underestimated you. Stay strong and move forward with resolve, you have tried to make things work but his lack of effort was to blame. None of this is a poor reflection on you as a matter of fact it takes you to a higher level where you will someday find that special someone who deserves you.

RC

Thanks everyone... this support means a lot to me!

I have not only blocked him from my email, but opened up a new account for myself (so he can't email me from another address). Right now I am working on my online forums. He's been following me on the ones I like to go to that he knows about. I am hoping I can get my name changed here, so he can't search for it and find me. Always used the same name anywhere I went because I was the same person anywhere I went and it felt funny to have a variety of different names

Been thinking a bit. He's always been the selfish one. He was happy with the way things were because I was always hanging in there, pouring love and attention on him. He could get away with anything, so there was no need anymore to give me anything back. He mocked me when he hurt my feelings. Got angry when I asked for affection. Was offended when I tried to create some. Never cared a whit for me as long as he got attention. Now that he's missing the attention, he's giving me some. But you know what? Its all about what he wants still. He wants to grow old with me. He wants those dreams of the future we shared. He wants to talk about the things we used to talk about. He's feeling lonely and heartbroken. I didn't matter until HE was affected. That did it for me.

This weekend was the best I've had in years. I wasn't chained to the computer all weekend (after being chained to the computer all week between my desk-job and those hours-long emails). My body is sore because I haven't shopped for hours in ages, haven't walked so much, haven't done gardening in years, haven't done my art in so long, because he drained my time and energy. And it feels so good.

I'm glad you had a great weekend! You deserve it!

You can get your username changed on here.

PM Avman about it, he can help you out:

Done! *waves under a new name*

I'll be signing off the papers on Tuesday, and then the affair will be out of my hands. Yup, I haven't changed my mind.

Feeling a little down, but not because I miss him. More like I miss the person he represented himself to be for the first two years we have been together. Maybe he had changed, maybe that person I knew for two years never existed. Whichever way, the person he is now is not someone I want to be with anymore.

Its weird... I have a life again. No more spending all my time on the computer either in chats or trying to make emails good enough for him. I have people coming out of the woodwork ready to be friends with me and support me. I have my family back. I am a bit sad, but I am also really happy too.

And when I am ready, I'll go and find myself someone who treats me the way I really do deserve to be treated!

Hey Aurian,

Glad to hear things are progressing on your end!

It's normal to miss what times were good once in awhile, as long as you remember the reasons you are apart now and stick to that- knowing that you do deserve more.

It sounds like you have already come a long way and are feeling very strong... I commend you for that!

Hang in there, sister, and come back and update us!

He emailed me at work today, with a new name. I opened it, thinking it was one of my clients. He said he wanted to talk to me IN PERSON.

He said that his computer was having trouble even after I stopped MSNing him (one ongoing argument was him blaming me for the computer problems and verbally shaking me to try get me to confess to something I was not even doing), and those computer problems made him upset. How lame an excuse is that?

He said he understands if I still want a divorce, but wants to talk to me either on MSN or in person. (Probably wants to win me back or has some paranoid fantasy that its my "awful" mom imitating me).

He also said something about hoping I had fun for the last 3 weeks, as if I was some dog who slipped his leash and was running amok or something.

Finally, he said that it looked like we were stuck together because he had not seen the divorce papers yet.

That in-person thing scared me a bit (if you read around, you know this is not someone I should be seeing in person at all!). So I replied.

I told him that the divorce was definitely happening. I told him that he abused me, and there was nothing left to save of the marriage. He had his last chance and made his choice when he chose to blame and bash me instead of working on the marriage together. I said that the divorce papers were taking a bit longer than I expected, but they were drawn up and I found a lawyer in his country to deliver them (yes, two sets of lawyers, joy to my wallet). He should expect them soon.

I said that I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO HIM on MSN or in person. I told him that the divorce was over, and that he had already hurt me enough. I did not want to talk to him on MSN. If he flew out in person, I would shut the door. (I wonder if his threatening emails would be enough to get an order to keep him out of my home airport? Or do they need more? I know a restraining order is a bit worthless since he's out of the country and they have to serve him with one).

I said I didn't trust him anymore, and if he meant it when he said he still loved me and would get counselling, that he should get the counselling for himself. The marriage was over. He can fix himself, and I wished him happiness, but I wanted him gone from my life.

I think I've said what needed to be said. He knows the divorce is still happening, and I made it clear that I do not want reconcilation or him coming over here (either to hit me or woo me, I have no idea).

Weird thing is, I didn't understand why I was crying all the sudden yesterday. The time stamp on the email showed that it was about the time he sent it.

*sigh* I hate this. I'm all depressed again.

Hey Aurian,

WOW! I'm VERY impressed with the way you handled yourself. Textbook. I could not have handled it any better. You should be very impressed with yourself too. You showed a strength that would inspire most.

Way to go!

Hang in there, it's almost over.

Thanks hope. I know my family would be upset if they knew I responded at all, but I thought I should answer the unspoken question (are we still getting the divorce, when are the papers coming?) and head off the chance of him showing up here.

I dunno what to do if he keeps insisting on MSN or face-to-face though. He really is paranoid, and is probably thinking the emails are not coming from me or something. Should I go onto MSN, show him my face on the webcam and say something like "the emails are from me?" And I really don't want him here. I'm even wondering if I should get a knife or something for my purse or some bear spray or something! And I most definitely don't want to be convinced to go back. I think I'm a bit vulnerable right now, because he starved me of love, so sweet words hurt my heart, even if my head knows they're bad for me. (Like gorging on chocolate after going hungry!)

So... I really really don't want to have him come. I don't really want to go onto MSN either, it will just yank my heart some more. I just want to make sure he believes me, I guess. Also, aren't I kinda rewarding him with attention like this? Maybe its best to NC no matter what he says on emails that get through?

Ideas?

No, I don't think you should do that. Who cares if he believes you or not. Your message is sent, if you were to keep this up you are just feeding his fire. If need be, your emails could be proven in court that they came from your IP address.

You don't owe him anything else.

Don't let your emotion get in the way of that good common sense you've been using.

Sounds good to me. Okay, if any more emails make their way through, I'll delete them and not respond. Hopefully he'll just give up eventually.

I've been going up and down with emotions the past two weeks, so I am dealing with things a bit emotionally at times. I also get worried easily! It helps to have someone objective to talk to

Thanks hope *hugs*

I think you definitely are doing the right thing.

Honestly, I would consider changing your email address and everything else possible. It's just so easy to change your email and send only the people you trust your new email. And never look back at the old one. But perhaps you can print out his rude emails as evidence of him being a jerk if you ever need it.

It's not going to be easy. Although you have had enough of him, your heart might still be attached. You just need time to allow yourself to get over him in that way. So, it's ok to feel down some days. You are not crazy, it's only normal!

Just remember that you can always come to us whenever you need support!

Oh * * * *, he's HERE.

Edit - oh, wait, he PMed me, but I looked at this person's posts. He's new, but judging by his posts, he's pining over someone else who is pissed at him after a five year relationship.

God, I had a heart attack... but that's not MY creep!

Anyways, Meow, I did get a new personal email address and set my old one to block his emails, so if I go there to get any emails that my email-change notice missed, I won't see anything from him (I have his disgusting emails on that one, so if he makes things difficult, I have something for the lawyers). I can't change the email address he caught me on - its my work address. My workplace is very strict and tight, and everyone has a set address based on the name. They wouldn't let me change it to my married name even. They won't let me change it now. No, I just sent one last email to him with the contact info of my divorce lawyer (that was all I sent - so if he has to know what is going on with the divorce, he can bug THEM instead!) and then from now on, I am determined not to look at any of his emails or to delete them right away if I open one by accident!

Hey Aurian,

Can you at least block him from your work email?

Does it have a feature that allows that?

If it's not possible to block him, then really be strict with yourself. Don't even read his emails because that might only make you want to respond to defend yourself. And to respond would only be telling him that he should keep emailing you.

You have done everything you should. You have given him enough of yourself already, he doesn't deserve another word from you.

I blocked his address and set it to go right into the garbage bin. However, there is nothing to stop him from emailing me at work with a new email. So like I said, I'm not going to talk to him anymore, no matter what he says. If he needs to know what is going to happen with the divorce, he can email or phone the lawyer.

Between that last email and that little heart attack yesterday with that guy PMing me, I'm a bit rattled lately. Just gotta keep going!