No romance whatsoever

I'm getting highly irritated with my BF lately. The other week we got in a tiff and we had a few issues we had to talk about - during this talk I brought up the fact that I'm a very romantic person and like surprises and like giving surprises and anything that enhances romance, including reassurance once in a while that I'm attractive to him - basically it all boils down to him making me feel like a princess and worthwhile to him. I explained I don't need to be given gifts all the time and I don't need anything monetarily speaking - I'd be happy if he did things from the heart.

Problem is...he has no imagination. He fully admits this too and we've discussed it in depth. He is so analytical and I think it's part of the way he was brought up. When he was little he played with Legos sure, but he would build them straight up and only make towers. I'm the kind of person that grew up with Disney and make-believe with my Barbies. Yes I realize I can't expect him to fullfill all my childhood fantasies and I realize I cannot be unrealistic in my thinking. I've been trying to give him chances, I've tried giving him clues as to things I'd like. I've left him numerous notes as surprises for him...I bought an inexpensive gift for him that reminded him of his childhood and loved it.

I've started employing my silent treatment method because I want him to realize there's no romance at all. I feel like we're just cohabitating together and having sex once in a while when he feels like it. I'm doing this because we've discussed this before and I feel like he's made no effort to try anything. Just tonight I showed him some pictures of this beautiful restaurant with gardens all over called La Caille...sure it's a bit pricey...but you're paying for french food and the atmosphere. I don't necessarily want him to take me right away...I would have liked him to say that it's a beautiful place and maybe someday we could go there...but no...he had to tell me it was too pricey and with how picky he is with food it's not worth going to. That really upset me because it's been something I've been wanting for a long time and he knows how much I love settings like that - as romantic things are special to me...but he shot it down. I put so much effort towards doing things he wants to - going to the race track - going to watch the airplanes - going to play golf...but one thing I suggest and it's like NOPE.

Ugh...I'm just frustrated and need to rant...I can't think of anything else I can do because I've already told him this and he still doesn't get it. Part of me thinks that my true soul mate would be someone who appreciates how much I love stuff like this. I've very into the Victorian Era and everyime I talk about fixing up an old house he shoots me down saying he needs modern stuff. It's like he can't appreciate how deeply I feel about some things and this is a root cause for my second thoughts about our relationship. I can't see myself being with someone my whole life and them not understand or even appreciating how I feel. Ugh....

Any thoughts?

Sounds a bit like how I used to be. Although, at this point, I'm still not sure if the reason people shoot ideas down is because they're just closed minded, or if there's just someone else better suited for them. I always think about the two extremes. I think he should open up a bit more though. It sounds like you've really not asked for that much. But it's entirely possible that just because he's shot you down so much, it's going to take more for him to realize what it is you want. This is a tricky situation because it's not about morality or anything. It's about personality/compatibility and equality, both of which are impossible to achieve perfectly. Keep thinking about it. I don't think you're in a terrible situation.

By the way, I used to only build houses with legos... I just never had enough legos to finish. And I'm not sure that I would have, had I had them.

Yeah - I try to remain open minded about it - which is why I'm so torn about what to do. I want to respect the way he is, but at the same time I want him to appreciate my little quirks.

When we discussed this before I told him I'd like him to show me more how much he cares and he brought up his lack of imagination and he can't do anything creative. To me this is so hard to comprehend because I'm always full of ideas for everything, especially when it comes to showing the person I love how much I care for them. But I guess I've just gotta work on my attitude. I sort of just wish he would be more like my ideal. I've had boyfriends in the past who'd always adore me...with their attention and just cute things unexpectedly - not everyone is the same....I just feel I'm missing out.

We know what you want and we know that he ain't it...what more is there to discuss????

Racetrack...lol...that is degenerate city in New York...

hmmm like he doesnt put much (or at all?) interest or effort towards the things you want. you've discussed this issue with him and he's still the same? maybe just be patient and talk things out again (maybe he'll get it after a few more time hopefully

i understand that not everyone can tolerate being in that position for long and getting shot down everytime the person's subject of interest is being brought up. we all love to be appreciated once in a while.i agree with darklich14. its down more to personality/compatibility and equality. sorry if i offended (i have no intention)you by saying this: maybe you can lower your expectations a little bit. i understand how you feel..(i used to be like that) i know youre not asking for that much..but maybe he's got some issues to deal with? i dunno.. and when things get along well, increase it? keep a positive mind. things might just work out.

Say "If you dont take me there, im going to kick you in the nuts so hard you'll NEVER have kids!"

Hahaha, jks. Violence isnt the answer. =o

Jennster, has he always been this way from the beginning?

I'm in a similar situation. In the beginning he was fairly romantic and attentive. Now I feel he has gotten lazy as he knows he has me and is taking me for granted.

It is even more difficult as we are long distance and I really need some romance over the wires while we are apart.

In person he is wonderful even though he is stubborn about going places when he doesn't want to go.

What I have done is told him twice what the problem was. This is 2 times in 2 months. He has ignored what I asked for.

So now I have started pulling back and no contact.

I know how you feel! It's so frustrating, expect my guy is slightly different: he is not romantic, but he wants me to be romantic. Basically, he likes the idea I think, but he has NO imagination, so I'm left to do all the thinking. He's not creative at all!! He sent me a text saying o i do u wanna meet up after ur exams 2 celebrate, and then said 'o bt i havent got any romantic ideas sorri And i'm thinking NO!!! A guy is supposed to KNOW where to take that will be romantic, and just sweep you off your feet!

I still haven't found a proper solution, but I just looked at the positive: if he can't think of these things, then I have to, thereforeeee making me the one in control. If I say I want to give him a surprise, then he listens, we go there, okay so he's the one GETTING the surprise but I still get to enjoy it, without losing control of the relationship.

I don't know how much that helps you in your situation, but just look at the positives in your relationship and you'll realise there's a lot to be happy about despite lack of romance. Good luck!

From what I've come to understand, most guys are NOT "romantics." Yes, some are, but from what I've come to understand, most are not.

It all depends on what you want. I used to want the "Mr. Romantic" until I realized for myself and through other guys as well, that they're far in between and there's other things they do to show they care. But most importantly: it's really not that big of a deal and there's better qualities in guys to look for. If they're thoughtful on occaision, like your birthday or holidays, and show you they care in ways other than getting you this or that, or being all sappy with poems, then it's really not necessary. It's a lot of work for some guys, and maybe they just weren't raised to understand it that way. A lot really truly do not see the purpose and feel the ways they're showing should be enough.

I'd also like to remind you: TESTOSTERONE.

It's nice, sure absolutely, but if you've got yourself a great guy then I don't think you should keep getting on him about being "Mr. Romantic."

And this is just my own little thing right here, and sure it can be wrong: but I've always found romantic guys to be really kind of extra sweet to OTHER girls too while being in a relationship, because it seems like it's more in their nature. Again, that's just my own little observation.

It's in the little things. My boyfriend is not an overly romantic kinda of guy, he is a little more reserved, but that does not mean he does not show he LOVES me. Whenever I shower for example, he makes sure there is a fresh towel waiting for me by the bathtub. When we go to bed, he squeezes me tight, and says he loves me. When I am finishing up my yoga in the morning, he makes sure the kettle is boiling to time it for when I am done. I consider THOSE romantic and sweet gestures.

Now, all that being said, I think first off, you need to look at whether your expecations are realistic. For sure there are men out there whom will be more romantic, though whether they are the ones for you or not, I can't say! Maybe there are people out there better suited, but make sure your expectations meet reality too, life is not a fairytale and not everyone feels "romance" is the way to show your feelings

When you brought it up before, how did you bring it up? He may have felt it was a bit of a criticism or attack so got on the defensive about it too. When he does nice things/gestures, is he rewarded? Or told how he did not do it right.

I do think something is amiss if you are always doing nice things for him, or doing what HE wants all the time. Even if you can't force him to do what you want, go do your own things for YOU. Don't rely on him to have to do them. If you think picnics in the park are fun and romantic, go treat yourself to one, or go spend ridiculous money on a dinner with a girl friend for fun. No need to deny yourself your joys even if he is not wanting to come along! Maybe if he saw that you just wanted to share the experience with him and how much you enjoyed them, rather then have him splurge financially, he would be more willing to do them too?

P.S. Silent treatment is not an effective communication tool!