Drawing the line: compassion versus truth telling

It seems like when people have problems, they get two kinds of responses from others: (1) compassion or (2) a slap upside the head. (LOL!)

That's gotten me wondering, where do you guys draw the line between the two? How do you decide that the best response to someone is showing compassion, and when would you tell them what they don't want to hear (usually, the truth)?

Some situations aren't too clear. At work, for example, one of my co-workers got in minor trouble with the law. Everyone (including me) acted sympathetically to him, even though he was clearly at fault. But then, I noticed him keep talking about how the incident is "forcing" him to do stuff he doesn't want to do, which made me wonder if I shouldn't slap him upside the head (figuratively that is).

I don't mean to be unsympathetic OR judgmental. But I do think we all need to take responsibility for our actions. Other examples: What to do when someone who is lazy nonetheless complains about "all the stress" they're facing? Or when someone is basically a drama queen?

Are there any general rules you follow when choosing between showing sympathy and telling the unvarnished truth? What do you guys think?

For the most part, people just want someone to listen to them. If they want to be told how wrong they are, they'll go to their parents.

If they ask for the truth, then tell them.

I'd just nod and agree and keep it in the back of your mind that this person is the type that blames others for their own mistakes.

Just because you think someone is lazy, doesn't mean they can't have troubles. You're being judgemental, and forcing your beliefs on others to boot.

I believe we all base our responses on what we have learned in the past. Each person is going to have a different perspective as they have had different life experiences. It is just a matter of personal opinion where extactly the line is drawn.

You can tell people the truth but most of the time they dont want to hear it. Typically when people hear the truth about them, they get defensive.

You're being judgemental, and forcing your beliefs on others to boot.

Haha! I see you're not always compassionate, LostInMyThoughts! lol.

Haha! I see you're not always compassionate, LostInMyThoughts! lol.

Guilty as charged

I agree with someone above me, a lot of times people don't really care what you are saying, they want to feel the love from your voice. That is what matters the most to some people. Chances are most people know the truth, they just want someone to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

Hey K8tie, the big sister in me gives the compassion and THEN the slap on the head. Ok not exactly true... it's more like a love pat, administered repeatedly until the victim begs for mercy. I tell the truth with love because for me to do otherwise would feel like I'm lying when I pretend to agree with someone else's need to be seen as a victim of circumstance.

That being said, I fully understand what it's like to be depressed and seem like the lazy person who complains about stress all the time. In those days I wasn't lazy, I just no longer had the will to do anything. What made me better was feeling heard and understood, so that I had the will and the desire to make my own life better.

Most people DO know what to do, but it's a matter of whether they believe they can or not. If someone tends to be a whiner, they need help learning how to see what they CAN do about a situation. What they usually get is indifference or talk about how they shouldn't be whining. Unfortunately, this only makes them whine more.

Yea I know exactly what you mean K8tie, sometimes I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...I mean, can I go ahead and tell my little story here please? hehe umm...

Last week I was out at a party, and surprisingly the girl I was 'dating' was there, and during one point of the party I took her outside of the party(my original intentions I will admit were just like 5 mins of making out, then going back in), and she broke down in my arms and started crying and letting everything out(she was drunk)...and this went on for like 20 mins. So I tried being compassionate and just letting her talk and just listening, not really responding too often...then it finally stopped and she was just like hugging me and holding onto me the whole night.

A few days later, she thinks I...I was being clingy that night and all she wanted to do was party and I ruined it... So tell me where I was supposed to draw the line? Was I really supposed to just leave her outside crying and go back into the party? I mean really...I guess I'm not that kind of person, but me being called clingy after that really upset me. It seems like people don't really know what they want, and when they get what they think they want, they realize what they lost...

Hey Drop, *This* is when she needed the "slap" of reality. You did the right and noble thing by letting her cry and tell you her problems. BUT you have to remember she was drunk that night and later, probably was embarrassed by how "clingy" she was... so she tries to rewrite the whole incident in her mind as you being the emotionally dependent one.

If it had been me I would have said to her "Look you were the one that was drunk, crying, and telling me your problems. Not the other way around. If that's clingy, then you're d*mn lucky I was clingy that night." Usually that's enough to set a person straight. If no apology is forthcoming, consider yourself lucky to have learned what kind of a friend she is before it really mattered.

Good thoughts, everyone. DropToZero, you were right in showing the girl compassion at the party, so don't think for a minute you did the wrong thing. I agree with smallworld, it's your girl's "rewriting" of the situation that needs a heavy dose of The Truth.

Smallworld, you've got chutzpah, girl! Eveyone needs a few friends, or big sisters, to keep them from wallowing in too much self-pity. But you're right - compassion needs to come first. Sometimes I think that it's only when a person feels completely understood will they have the courage to change themselves.