Newlywed woes!

Greetings everyone!

I am in SERIOUS need of advice. I dont know if this the result of normal marriage adjustments, cultural barriers, language barriers, or the long distance getting to us. He speaks english perfectly fine but I wonder if he hears it in the same context as I do with the native ear.

I have been married for just under 2 months and my husband and I continually bring up divorce. I need to know if these are common problems couples face in the early stages of marriage. I know marriage is difficult in the beginning because your mentality shifts from "me" to "us"...I just hope this is normal for my marriage.

1) Jealousy

My husband is really particular about who I talk to. He give methe whole "It's my right as a husband..." rant and it is very annoying. I dont meet with other men, I am friends with an older woman and she has an unmarried son in college(he is my age) and my husband feels uncomfortable if I meet my lady friend because her son lives there too. Now I am also aquainted with her son but in a very innocent and formal way. Also, I have online friends who are just that...friends...simple as that. I speak to them once a week or once every two weeks and he hates it! Even if I am online to check my email or the news ect. he assumes I am talking to another man! He always bothers me or stands over my shoulder ect. Now some of those men had feelings for me but I blocked and deleted them from my buddy list and he knows that. It had been so bad that his friend hacked my email accounts to rummage through past emails(I am often too lazy to delete messeges so I had things from 3 years ago in there!). He claims he had nothing to do with the hacking, but the way he is acting is so suspicious. He even claims he is no longer friends with this man now due to the way he disrespected his wife. Is this a normal trend to go through? Does it get better? does it wear off? How can I deal with it?

2)Ignoring or Dictating my feelings [-X

He has the inability to accept my feelings if they contradict how he feels or if they don't fit his agenda...meaning if I say i feel a certain way about something he said then he says "no dont lie...you just feel blah blah blah because you are trying to blah blah blah" or he says things like "you have been planning this for a long time and thats why you have acted this way so you can build this case" WHICH IS NOT TRUE EVER. It feels like I am not allowed to have a voice. By no means to I submit to this treatment so usually I stubbornly turn my back and sit it out...in which case it just goes under the surface. I hate to do it but I wont settle for him being a dictator of my feelings. If I do it now then it will become a pattern for the rest of our marriage. I refuse to be the silent subservient wife![-(

3)My stuff]

He is still overseas because we are waiting on the visa confirmation, so since I started school again I had to come back to the states and my family. We have been using webcam and chat services to communicate until he can be here. I have an apartment with a roommate now and on the webcam he saw a Buddha statue I have on display...he also saw some souveniers on display I bought abroad. HE HATES THEM. He says he wont live in in a house with them. I am not going to compromise things that reflect my personality just because he doesnt like them. I told him they wont be out in a common area for display, I said I'll keep them in my private area like on my bookcase or office. He still refuses. I said "fine if you dont want to live with them then dont move in with me" I am a woman who bases decision STRONGLY on principle. The principle here is that he wants to control me. I am able to compromise, I tried....but I am the kind of person who, when FORCED to do something, will refuse and usually do the opposite. I dont do it with spite, I do it because I do not want this behavior from him to become habitual. If he says "ok i dont care what you do with it... i love u and ill live with you even if all of hell opens up and swallows your house" then chances are i would give it away or put it in a closet. I just want him to stop being so demanding and bossy about everything...friends, decorations, feelings, ect.

ok, I don't believe it is justice to say all of that about him without explaining that he IS an amazing person. He is soooo sensitive and he is so sweet. If you could see how he acts with his mom and sister then you would never imagine that I described the same husband in the above problems. He is sooo supportive of my education and spiritual growth. When I was visiting him abroad, we spent 24 hours a day together EVERYDAY for 3 months and we never got tired of each other...then we got married and I came home 2 weeks later...since then it has been HELL.

IS IT COMMON FOR NEWLYWEDS TO LOOK AT THE OTHER PERSON AND SAY "DID I REALLY MARRY THIS MAN/WOMAN?"

im not saying that i am perfectly innocent, i know i have done my share to contribute.

PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE

THANKS EVERYONE!!

First there's this....

He is soooo sensitive and he is so sweet.

and then there's this:

He has the inability to accept my feelings if they contradict how he feels or if they don't fit his agenda

Which is it?

IS IT COMMON FOR NEWLYWEDS TO LOOK AT THE OTHER PERSON AND SAY "DID I REALLY MARRY THIS MAN/WOMAN?"

I would think so, to some extent. But then again...

I have been married for just under 2 months and my husband and I continually bring up divorce.

I don't think this is common at all. You've only been married for 2 months! If you're already mentioning divorce, I think that's a good sign your relationship is in serious trouble.

The behavior your husband is exhibiting is not normal in my opinion. It is possessive, controlling, and extremely jealous. Him being "super sweet" at other times does not justify this kind of behavior. Nothing can. Being married isn't supposed to mean you can't have any friends of the opposite sex, and have your life dictacted to you by your husband.

You mention cultural issues, but you don't mention what culture and country your husband is from? How long were you two together before you were married, and how was his behavior different then?

If you think this can be worked out, then you need to let him know your marriage wont continue if his behavior doesn't change. I'd recommend immediate marriage counseling. Or, perhaps you're better off just walking away right now.

its difficult to know if this will get better or not. From my own experience of marriage (3 years), it was hard to begin with and we fought a lot and get on a lot better now. I think there was a natural adjustment period with us, but it can sometimes feel like you are not suited when you are arguing!

How long did you guys know each other for before you got married? Cause if he is jealous now wasn't he like that before? I mean were there warning signs or is this all new behaviour??

JZ

Welcome to enot alone,

I think your husbands behaviour is disgusting, now that you are married he feels as though he has ownership rites, this is just not fair, you should never not be yourself or do things that you enjoying doing because your husband doesn't agree with them. The success to any marriage is communication and also both of you have your own independence.

You need to sit him down and tell him how you are feeling and that you refuse to allow him to bully you.

My ex husband and I lived together for 5 years before we got married, as soon as we got married he thought he had some sort of ownership over me, I rebelled and 2 years later filed for divorce. I think the red flags where there before we married, I just chose to ignore them. Be very careful and don't lose yourself in him - you can't change who you are and nor do you want to, make this very clear to him.

Good luck.

You two need a counselor or a referee so you can deal with things right now.

Sorry to be so brutal, but your post is so full of problems, I wonder how you could even be married.

I wonder if you both regret marrying each other, since you both mention divorce.

I see problems on both sides of this equation.

I see him feeling veruy insecure about the marriage, and so acting a bit like a dictator...

if I am online to check my email or the news ect. he assumes I am talking to another man!

and I see you unwilling to compromise, a cornerstone to marriage.

I am not going to compromise things that reflect my personality just because he doesnt like them.

"He" is your husband. You now consider his feelings as much as your own when it comes to what is in the house that you share. Welcome to marriage.

I wonder how much you discussed how your lives would be once you were married, since you seem very surprised at the way he's behaving. Are you saying that you had NO indication he was like this?

If you married him after only 3 months, it's possible. Your honeymoon period hasn't even ended yet. What was the rush?

It really sounds as though neither of you had a clue about what marriage was going to be like and what long term ramifications your personality classes would have.

well yup your married and yor fighting like newlyweds. I am married going on 13 years now and let me tell you that if you dont fight you are both being passive and if you do fight your both wondering why. seems like you cant win and yet your still together hmm sounds like a marriage to me. In the first year or so your still adjusting to the WE of it and so his little habbits are building up and so are yours. meaning he leaves the cap off the toothpaste and so on. and she is still acting the way she did when she was single. People seem to think marriage will change the things people do over night. and thats not gona happen its only after time and acceptance that you will move on the only differance in a good argument and a bad argument is 1 ends in divorce and the other in makeing up. All marriages have problems and if you dont give up and niether does he then you get to stay married. As to your problems you have 2 choices. 1 invole him more and listen more or shut him out. If you want the marriage to last you know what you should do. doesnt mean give up who you are just means show him more of who you are. All couples fight even the really good ones. its just what you do after that matters.

you asked for advice, sorry, but it sounds terrible to me.

zawjat,

How long did you know each other before you got married? Three months? That isn't long enough to really get to know a person. I just responded to a thread about how long you should wait before getting married, and this is why you should wait awhile.These are the kinds of issues that need to be looked at before you get married, not after. A person doesn't just change over night. Your husband was the same way before the marriage as he is now. If you knew this, and it bothered you, then you shouldn't have married him in the first place.

Not that I am placing the blame on you. I do think he sounds controlling and having a lot of issues and insecurities. There are so many problems that you either need serious counseling, or it might be best to just end the marriage and realize it was a mistake.

In the future, you need to consider all possibilities and discuss everything before getting married. You need to be sure it will work and fully understand everything you are getting into.