getting married or live together

me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, i'm 18 and he is 24. he has helped me through some very tough times i've had recently, and we know that we are definitely going to spend our lives together. I want to move in with him when i graduate in May, but my close family is actually against me just living with him and telling us that we should just marry. well, the reason i was going to just live with him for a while, is because i would like a nice wedding and there is no way for me afford that just yet. i know that i want to marry this guy and we're not really sure what to do, i mean, is there any cheaper ways to have a wedding? or would it be right to just go to the courthouse and get married, and then have another wedding or something like that later on?

Hello, welcome to the forum.

There are lts of cheaper ways to get married but you are right to wait. You are both young and want to have a big wedding to celebrate your love. Quite right too.

There is no reason why you shouldnt live togther for a while, you may find you hate living togther (unlikely from the sound of it) or it may be the best thing you ever did. Either way its worth a try out.

If you want a big wedding that doesnt cost too much look for alternatives to the traditional wedding. You can get nmarried abroad and only take a few guests. It sounds expensive to start but can be a lot cheaper in the long run.

Or have a small formal wedding and then a big informal party.

Check out your options.

If your parents are dead set against you living together why not try a part time arranagement. That way you can try out living togther part of the time while mainataining separate establishements, perhpas sharing with a girlfriend.

Whatever you decide, it is for you and your boyfriend to make the decision, dont be browbeaten.

With love , as always

Nenezxx

Yes I agree with Nenez. It is just my opinion but I think if you are in a position to do so it is best to live together for a while before getting married. But obviously people for all sorts of reasons sometimes cannot do that but don't rush out to get married just so you can live together.

Are you planning on going to college? I would recommend at such a young age you experience life on your own before moving in with your bf. Why not go to college, get your education so that you can have a decent career and afford a nice wedding. When you graduate you can move in with your bf then.

What's the rush?

i'm leaning towards what you said nenez. My boyfriend lives in California, and i am able to have a job in california with the help of my boyfriend that will pay for my schooling and has much better benefits than anything i can get down where i live. And also, the cost of living is way higher than what i'm used to, so living with him, and us paying for only one apartment is definitely the way to go. because it makes no sense for me to have a 1000$ apartment and him to have one too. Living with him or marrying him will benefit us both very much and thats why i'm looking forward to it.

Yes I agree with Nenez. It is just my opinion but I think if you are in a position to do so it is best to live together for a while before getting married. But obviously people for all sorts of reasons sometimes cannot do that but don't rush out to get married just so you can live together.

Although it's counter intuitive, statistics show that people who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce.

I second Hope's thoughts. If you are sure you're going to spend the rest of your life with him - that's great. There's no good reason why you have to marry so soon. You can go to college, do other things - all the while staying with him - and marry him later. No good reason to rush into it.

You don't have to pay for an apt to go to college, you can commute from your parents or you can live in the dorm for minimal expense.

I moved in and got engaged with my ex at age 17, it was a very big mistake. I ended up not being able to afford college and put if off, working 6 days a week and then coming home and cleaning house, shopping and trying to have time for him was a nightmare.

After 5 years of struggling, we failed.

If I can turn back the clock I would have lived on my own first, even if it were at the college dorm, and gotten my education before thinking of marriage.

This day and age you need two power jobs with degrees to live comfortably.

Why not get a little life experience under you belt and finish school and have a career that pays enough that you can afford to work 5 days a week, pay the rent, and enjoy leisurely time together too? You shouldn't have to struggle, and at your age with no college education you will.

I actually read a study that it didn't matter it wasn't living together that caused the higher rate of divorce. Rather - it was the actual reason for moving in together before marriage.

If the couple moved in together because they were devoted and committed to each other, then the divorce rate was the same as those that married first, then moved in together.

If the couple moved in together without that strong committement, more for wanting to save money, and if they later got married, those had a higher rate of divorce.

I actually read a study that it didn't matter it wasn't living together that caused the higher rate of divorce. Rather - it was the actual reason for moving in together before marriage.

 

If the couple moved in together because they were devoted and committed to each other, then the divorce rate was the same as those that married first, then moved in together.

 

If the couple moved in together without that strong committement, more for wanting to save money, and if they later got married, those had a higher rate of divorce.

That makes sense.

Thats fairly true about divorce. Love is the only reason for living together or being married. Its a hard enough road without the love in the first place.

Nenezxx

I think if you move in with him, he'll have no motivation to get married. I agree with those who say take your time. You're only 18 and have so much life to experience and independence to develop. There's a whole world out there to explore and at 18 you have the freedom and potential to do anything.

I actually read a study that it didn't matter it wasn't living together that caused the higher rate of divorce. Rather - it was the actual reason for moving in together before marriage.

 

If the couple moved in together because they were devoted and committed to each other, then the divorce rate was the same as those that married first, then moved in together.

 

If the couple moved in together without that strong committement, more for wanting to save money, and if they later got married, those had a higher rate of divorce.

That's what I heard too.

Also, some of those who moved in together for the latter reason had different reasons for moving in together - one thinking marriage would follow, one to "try it out" - so when one finally was pressured enough or felt it was "logical" it ended up badly in the end.

Make sure you are moving in for the right reasons (aka not to save money), are truly on the same page, and the relationship is already good. As moving in together will only exaberate most existing problems.

I honestly think at 18...you should wait a while. I know at 18 we all believe we are ready, but just wait. If he TRULY is the one you want to be with, then there is no reason to rush, right...if it's meant to be, you WILL be together in a couple years.

Moving in together is not just a sleepover everyday, and at your age, it might be too much too soon for you - focus on your education, enjoying life, and letting your relationship progress as it should, no need to rush just to save money, or get married just to do it....there is plenty of time.

I actually read a study that it didn't matter it wasn't living together that caused the higher rate of divorce. Rather - it was the actual reason for moving in together before marriage.

 

If the couple moved in together because they were devoted and committed to each other, then the divorce rate was the same as those that married first, then moved in together.

 

If the couple moved in together without that strong committement, more for wanting to save money, and if they later got married, those had a higher rate of divorce.

Yeah...but still the statistics still makes it look bad. You can have the same commitment living apart as you can together. Of course my whole view is it just doesn't work and they should just marry IF AND WHEN THEY ARE READY. But if you look at an earlier post of hers she says she wants to save money!

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The age also shows a problem as seen here: link removed

Wait till you are older and have a good education. Basically...you should be able to support yourself in the end. A lot of people already said it so...

ohhh no... don't get married just to please your family or someone else. And definitely do not get married at AGE 18. Get your education first, live a little. I wouldn't worry about him not being motivated in marrying you if you live together... heck, if you live with him for a while, you just may well find out you are the one who is not motivated to marry him.

Seriously, I'd advice against moving in together at your age. Its not all it seems to be. But no one is going to convince you otherwise... you'll do what you will do anyway.