"Cheating." Need advice like none other.

Hello everyone, first time reader - first time poster I've decided after looking through several self-help and Christian help books, and talking to several friends - I needed a broader range of opinion.

Well...sadly, here's my prediciment:

I've been dating this woman since the beginning of my Sophomore year of college. I've known her since my Freshmen year, and we were good friends during that year. Since then, we've 'fallen in love,' and I believe truthfully - we're best friends first, before every other guise. I've even planned out going to a specific grad school so we could be together after we graduate. Her family loves me, and reciprocal with mine. September 24th marks our one-year.

Over the summer, I was at one of my Fraternity brother's girlfriend's parties, and I (obviously) was rather inebriated. I ended up having sex with a girl that night that I met at one of my car shows the previous week. Since then, I've only seen her once, and we kissed that time.

Next Monday, my girlfriend is coming down to move in with me at my new apartment (I couldn't live in the Fraternity house another year Just her and I. There is virtually NO chance of her finding out about my raging infedlity - but I feel that I need to tell her, because I truly love her, but I just happen to let my 20-year-old hormones, and alcohol, get the best of me and my judgement.

What should I do, and how should I approach this? I'm not ready to lose the love of my life yet, but my stupid actions and sex drive caused this prediciment, and now I'm dreading the moment.

I certainly pray that someone could make sense out of this mess...

I think there's really nothing more to make sense of. You know you did a very stupid thing, and now you need to tell her. It wouldn't be fair to her if you kept something like this from her. It would be immoral to not allow her to have the decision to stay or leave.

My exboyfriend was also a frat boy. He got drunk at a frat party and then cheated on me also. I know how much it sucks. I was able to forgive him and continue the relationship (which may have been stupid of me). He had to make some changes, however. Big changes. Like not getting drunk at parties (which is something you should WANT to do) and not being alone with girls. Probably even other more strict rules atleast until trust is rebuilt. If she chooses to forgive you, be prepared. You'll have a lot of proving to do and you should WANT to do that after the mistake you did.

ALSO: If you feel you cannot be faithful or you cannot make things better, please just cut her loose. You weren't thinking about her when you cheated- atleast think about her now.

I don't know what to tell you. Only thing I can say is get urself tested so you don't give your girlfriend any STDs. I'm assuming that while drunk, people take fewer precautions. My question is...why did you kiss her the other time you saw this other girl? I'm assuming you weren't drunk at the time right? So what drove you do that?

Do you feel you can live with the guilt and it won't happen EVER again? Given the fact that you slept with someone else and then kissed her on a later occasion, I wonder if you can truly say that it will never happen again. I have no idea what your gf's reaction would be if you told her, but if I were her, I would leave. She may stay. I think that if you love someone you should be 100% honest with that person and you should put their feelings before your own.

God willing, that would be the best thing that could happen. I know that if she would choose to stay, that not only would that be a heavy responsibility to prove myself (which I'm completely ready for), and it would be weird for a little bit - but time will heal it. I remember taking the utmost precaution when I had sex with the other girl, I'm not that stupid of a drunk However, I don't know what drove me to kiss her at the later date - the insatiable thirst for affection, mayhaps?

How do you think I should approach it?

There really is no easy way to put it. Regardless of how you word it, it will hurt her all the same.

Don't think about how you're going to go about it too much- You may just end up talking yourself out of it.

I'm not that stupid of a drunk

You were stupid enough to cheat on the love of your life, and in my opinion that's just about as stupid as it gets.

Be honest with her, and do it now before she moves to be with you. She has the right to be fully informed and then make the choice for herself whether or not she still wants to move, or be with you at all. The longer you put it off the more unfair it is to your gf, and the harder it will be for you to tell her.

Just tell her the truth, and be prepared to break her heart.... you will.

I also question why you kissed the girl the second time you saw her. It's not just a drunken one night stand. Do you really think you are going to stay faithful to your gf?

She deserves that, and if you cannot do it, you should let her go and find someone who can and will.

I don't know why you have to tell her. If you are never gong to do it again and you are sure she's never going to find out, the only thing you're going to accomlish is relieving your guilt while simultaneously crushing her. Make it up to her by being 100 percent faithful and loving.

G I remember taking the utmost precaution when I had sex with the other girl, I'm not that stupid of a drunk

 

How do you think I should approach it?[/i]

1) I don't have much advice on how to approach this cause whatever you do, if you tell her the truth it's going to hurt her a lot. Just sit her down and tell her. Don't wait on it. Do it the next time you see her. Waiting will only hurt her worse. Expect that she will want to either leave or have some time to herself to get over what you did.

2) Ask yourself: why did the kiss happen if the initial infidelity was just a drunken mistake? Assuming you tell your gf this, which you will have to if you want to be honest with her, how can you explain that to yourself, to her. Think about that and make sure that you are really ready to commit to her.

3)2)There are STD's you can get from contact even if you use protection (herpes for one, genital warts I believe also) and you can get these even if you don't see any signs of them on the person @ the time. It has nothing to do with stupidity, it's just sheer luck (or bad luck). So I still think it's wise to get a checkup just to be safe. Not trying to scare you but just thought I'd say that, you're probably fine but better safe than sorry as if you did by the slightest chance of fate get something and your gf stayed it would just add insult to injury. Plus you should know for the sake of your own health.

Ouch...I completely realize that it's going to break her heart, and she does deserve better and all that jazz - but I'm wanting to know for anyone's sake, especially her's, how I could break this a little better than "Hey honey, I cheated?"

I realize that I needed to tell her from the get-go, and it pains me every day to go through this, and I'm just waiting for her to come down so I don't have to break it via phone. I know it may sound extremely selfish, but I've never really been in this sitatuion before, nor do I know anyone who has (that may sound odd considering I'm in a large Fraternity). It's just going to flat-out suck.

I don't know why you have to tell her. If you are never gong to do it again and you are sure she's never going to find out, the only thing you're going to accomlish is relieving your guilt while simultaneously crushing her. Make it up to her by being 100 percent faithful and loving.

Well, that thought crossed my mind initially, and it would be a lot easier than to tell her. But I think she deserves to know, and I need to get it off my back.

Well of course you're not going to say something as nonchalant as, "Hey, guess what? I cheated!"

Tell her a while back you made a huge mistake. Don't go through the exact details... The last thing anyone wants is the nitty gritty of their significant other getting down with someone else. Who knows, though, she may be the type that wants all the details so she can make peace. But you do have to tell her you had sex. And that you kissed the girl later. She may ask you where and when. She also may need to think about it, but you really just have to play the rest as it goes along. The heart is unpredicatable, who knows what her response will be.

You should NOT be waiting until she moves next week to tell her. How selfish is it to make her bring all her things to your house thinking all is grand and then have you tell her this? Chances are this is definitely going to effect whether or not she wants to move there, and she deserves to be informed.

If this is the situation, and you cannot go to her before Monday, then you need to tell her over the phone. Be honest. Tell you need to talk about something important and when she's listening explain yourself.

Do NOT make her move all her things and then tell her, just because you want to tell her face to face. She deserves to know BEFORE she moves so she can decide if that's still what she wants, and I don't know that it will be.

You need to put her feelings first right now, and get this out in the open as soon as possible.

I agree with Hope on that. If you truly want to do it face-to-face, maybe you need to go out of your way to make a trip to see her in person BEFORE she moves in.

I think I failed to elaborate on the whole move-in thing. She's moving down for Summer classes - in which she'll be living "on campus." Our University will assign her temporary Summer housing until she signs in to her Sorority house.

The plan was that she was going to stay with me from the get-go, cancel her contract with the Sorority for housing, and just live at my apartment. I'm waiting for next Monday, because that's the next time I'll see her - and driving 9 hours is out of the question because of both of our work schedules, and I have a busy day with my Masonic Lodge this Saturday.

If i was her i wouldn't want to know period. it would ruin it........

If i was her i wouldn't want to know period. it would ruin it........

Do you think that's a viable option? I know I wouldn't do it again - it kills me probably a lot more than her, for the simple fact that it brings out my problems moreso.

Trust me... You do not want to keep that away from her. Bad, bad idea. She deserves the truth. And trust me she will hurt more than you once you tell her. But then she will have the option to leave. If you don't, you're selfishly taking that option away. You done wrong already- Don't do another wrong by lying about it.

Hey jasper, obviously you don't say anything, but c'mon, saying you really care about the relationship as much as you say you do. Don't say anything, but if you keep doing that stuff, i'm sure it will bite you in the a** in the future at some point.

I don't understand how anyone can advise you to lie. Cause that's what it is if you don't tell her. I can't support dishonesty in a relationship, let alone deception at that level.

Lady00, he tells her the truth, the realtionship is over in my opinion. Especially if she really cares about him. There's no trust after that point. He says he really likes her and he messed up. To save it, not say a word, but don't do it again in the future. This is all if he gives a damn about it.

Exactly, the relationship may be over if he tells her. But HE made the mistake so needs to allow his girlfriend to decide what the consequences are going to be.

If you were in her shoes, is this something you'd want to be hidden from you?

That is so immoral and selfish.

Exactly, the relationship may be over if he tells her. But HE made the mistake so needs to allow his girlfriend to decide what the consequences are going to be.

 

If you were in her shoes, is this something you'd want to be hidden from you?

 

That is so immoral and selfish.

Lillady said it better than I could

I'm sorry... I just don't understand. There is more, here. Do you like this other girl? Is that why you kissed her? How did you see her again? How were you too drunk to remember your girlfriend but not drunk enough to forget a condom?

I respect your decision to tell your girlfriend.

I'm sorry... I just don't understand. There is more, here. Do you like this other girl? Is that why you kissed her? How did you see her again?

 

That's what I've been wondering too...why the second encounter and the kiss?? That sounds like more than a random drunken hookup to me.

Lady00, he tells her the truth, the realtionship is over in my opinion. Especially if she really cares about him. There's no trust after that point. He says he really likes her and he messed up. To save it, not say a word, but don't do it again in the future. This is all if he gives a damn about it.

He should give a damn about her feelings, and the fact that she thinks she is in an honest and exclusive relationship. Every day he doesn't tell her the truth is a day he lies to her. She deserves to know what happened, and what kind of a guy she's with. Then it's her choice if she wants to stay or not.

He needs to come clean. It's the only right thing to do. If she leaves when he tells her that is totally her choice, and she has every right. She did not deserve to be cheated on, and she needs to know the truth to be able to decide for herself what she wants to do. I agree that he's being totally deceptive by not telling her. and he should not be doing another wrong here. What he's done is bad enough.