"Cheating." Need advice like none other.

[Hope75]

I think I failed to elaborate on the whole move-in thing. She's moving down for Summer classes - in which she'll be living "on campus." Our University will assign her temporary Summer housing until she signs in to her Sorority house.

 

The plan was that she was going to stay with me from the get-go, cancel her contract with the Sorority for housing, and just live at my apartment. I'm waiting for next Monday, because that's the next time I'll see her - and driving 9 hours is out of the question because of both of our work schedules, and I have a busy day with my Masonic Lodge this Saturday.

 

So you have a busy day so you'll put off telling her until she comes to live with you is basically what you are saying. I think that's lousy. You should be telling her now so if she wants, she can arrange for other housing and not have to stay with you.

 

Personally I would not want to stay with you if I just found out you had cheated on me. If you cannot drive to see her than you need to tell her over the phone. It needs to come out and she deserves to know before she comes to stay with you.

[suprema99]

Hope75, If he messed up, it's his job not mess up again if this realationship means anything. If He tells her he cheated, she's always gonna think he's a cheater from then on. What's the sense in that? Anyone that cheats though in a relationship means it's not a solid relationship to begin with.

[Hope75]

Hope75, If he messed up, it's his job not mess up again if this realationship means anything. If He tells her he cheated, she's always gonna think he's a cheater from then on. What's the sense in that? Anyone that cheats though in a relationship means it's not a solid relationship to begin with.

 

He did cheat. By being dishonest about it he continues to mess up. She believes she is in a committed, exclusive relationship, and she isn't, because he cheated. Now he's lying too. She has the right to know what happened and to decide if she wants to continue to be with him. He should not continue to deceive her. By not telling her he continues to mislead and deceive her. Two wrongs don't make it right. It's her right to decide what she wants to do based on the truth, not some deception.

 

If she chooses to stay with him he's got some work to do to earn her trust back and prove he won't do it again, but that is her choice, based on the facts.

[suprema99]

He shouldn't continue to decieve, I agree. but it's all depending on the situation. I say to do that only because if he really cares about the relationship, it won't happen again. I personally think when someone cheats, it's a bad relationship then anyway.

[Hope75]

He shouldn't continue to decieve, I agree. but it's all depending on the situation. I say to do that only because if he really cares about the relationship, it won't happen again. I personally think when someone cheats, it's a bad relationship then anyway.

 

In this situation his gf is moving in with him, she believes certain standards and qualities about their relationship that no longer hold true. He had sex with this other girl once and then kissed her a second time. In my book that is more than a one night stand, and he continued to show bad judgement. His gf deserves to know what's been going on outside their relationship and be able to decide for herself if she chooses to pursue this any further, or if the trust to too broken to continue.

 

I'm sorry, drunk or not, if he truly cared about his relationship he would not have had sex with someone else and then kissed her later. Drinking is not an excuse for acting like a jerk, and continuing to lie and his gf and hold up a false image of what their relationship is.

[suprema99]

I agree if she's innocent and is willing to movie in. But telling her will only make things worse on his part. If he cheated though, I'm sure she'll find out in the long run.

[lillady898]

I'm sorry, drunk or not, if he truly cared about his relationship he would not have had sex with someone else and then kissed her later. Drinking is not an excuse for acting like a jerk, and continuing to lie and his gf and hold up a false image of what their relationship is.

 

A few weeks ago I would have argued with this, saying it was out of his control if he was drunk. Luckily I have come to my senses about many things lately.

 

Anyways, I agree with this statement completely. Being wasted has nothing to do with his situation, which had been proven by the fact that he kissed her again when he was sober. If he loved his girlfriend so much, he wouldn't have been that drunk in the first place. And furthermore, he wouldn't have had sex while he was at that party, drunk or not.

 

Lieing is a major sign of weakness. It's the easy, although temporary, fix to every situation. One lie builds onto the next. If he can't even be honest about something as crucial as this, what else is going to be convered up later in the relationship?

[Hope75]

I agree if she's innocent and is willing to movie in. But telling her will only make things worse on his part. If he cheated though, I'm sure she'll find out in the long run.

 

You agree what? That he needs to tell her before she moves in? You betcha he needs to tell her. Yes, telling her will make it worse for him. Why? Because he broke an agreement in their relationship to be faithful and he knows it will hurt his gf and likely change the future of their relationship.

 

Does that make it OK for him not to tell her, and to just play along like nothing happened so he can continue to see her and not have to face the consequences of his actions? No Way. A good, healthy relationship is based on trust, mutual caring and respect. I think you can agree that those qualitites were compromised when he chose to go to bed with someone else, and now continues to lie to his gf about it.

 

You can't base a healthy relationship on deceit, and that's exactly what he would be doing if he does not tell her. She deserves to be informed when things in their relationship change, and to be able to decide for herself whether or not she wants to continue with him. It is selfish, deceitful, cowardice and just plain wrong of him if he does not come clean.

 

If he was so worried about the consequences he should of thought of that before he had sex with someone other than his gf. He made his bed.....

[birdgirl]

I don't know why you have to tell her. If you are never gong to do it again and you are sure she's never going to find out, the only thing you're going to accomlish is relieving your guilt while simultaneously crushing her. Make it up to her by being 100 percent faithful and loving.

 

I've heard this sentiment before. That telling her will only help you ease your guilt, but won't do her any good.

 

If you are NEVER going to do it again... maybe. If you think there's a chance you will, do her a favor and leave.

 

I've always told my boyfriends that if they cheat on me, they should leave, but don't tell me they cheated. Hasn't exactly worked out that way, sadly enough.

[bellamcb]

You don't need to tell her. I'm sorry to disagree with everyone else (well mostly everyone) but it is going to kill her (assuming she's as in love as you describe). If you can 100 percent KNOW that you will never, ever do it again, don't tell her.

 

You made a big, giant stupid mistake. She shouldn't suffer. Once she finds out, she will question every single time you are away- what are you doing, where are you going, why are you late?

 

If you feel tempted to do it again then tell her but I hope before you allow her to move in, you really can know in your heart that you won't. If not, then tell her. She does not deserve to hear this stuff....knowing this about you will not enlighten her to who you really are.

 

Everyone: think about your biggest, dumbest mistake for a minute: does that define you? do you want to be judged by this forever by the people that know and love you? do you regret it and know that you will never do it again? it was a mistake!! He screwed up. If he's truly sorry, this is the end of it. She doesn't need to suffer.

[Hope75]

bella,

 

I can see where you are coming from. Yes his gf will be mistrustful, and if she does decide to give him another chance, it will take alot of effort on both parts to earn back the trust and respect that will be lost as a result of his mistake. If they survive, the relationship will be that much stronger because of it.

 

However, relationships should be based on trust and mutual respect, openness and honesty. At this point, she cannot trust him. He cheated on her. Don't you think she has a right to know that and to be able to decide for herself whether or not to continue the relationship?

 

Do you really think it's fair to keep her in the dark about something so big? He put her health at risk, he put their relationship at risk, he destroyed the trust and respect between them. He really messed up big time.

 

You know what? If that's not who he is as a whole, and his gf would know better than anyone, maybe she will choose to forgive him and try to move past it. That should be her choice, knowing all the facts. It is not fair to allow her to live a lie.

 

Imagine her finding out later about this. Regardless of whether or not it will happen, imagine how it would make her feel. She has a right to know what her bf has done. She believes certain promises and values exist in this relationship and that is why she is with him. Since that is not the case anymore, she also has a right to know that, and make a choice.

[bellamcb]

I can see where you are coming from. Yes his gf will be mistrustful, and if she does decide to give him another chance, it will take alot of effort on both parts to earn back the trust and respect that will be lost as a result of his mistake. If they survive, the relationship will be that much stronger because of it.

 

She doesn't have to make that decision if he doesn't tell her. The trust and respect will be lost only if he tells her.

 

However, relationships should be based on trust and mutual respect, openness and honesty. At this point, she cannot trust him. He cheated on her. Don't you think she has a right to know that and to be able to decide for herself whether or not to continue the relationship?

 

At this point- she CAN trust him, which is my point. He made a mistake. I'm not in any way advocating what he did or minimizing the pain it would cause her but does she have a right to know? I'm not sure if she wants to know but he's going to make that decision for her if he tells her. She has no say in the matter.

 

Do you really think it's fair to keep her in the dark about something so big? He put her health at risk, he put their relationship at risk, he destroyed the trust and respect between them. He really messed up big time.

 

Believing what he said, that there is no way that she will find out, I do think it's fair to keep her in the dark. It is fair to not completely ruin her for the next however many months and to cause her to question every future relationship for years to come. He destroyed the trust and respect between them only in HIS eyes and in OUR eyes. She has no idea. She is walking around all happy and excited to be moving in with him. Regarding stds, I am assuming he used protection (he may have said this) and although nothing is 100 percent, I think if he used a condom he can be reasonably sure he's okay.

 

You know what? If that's not who he is as a whole, and his gf would know better than anyone, maybe she will choose to forgive him and try to move past it. That should be her choice, knowing all the facts. It is not fair to allow her to live a lie.

 

But he is making the decision for her about whether she needs to make the decision. There is a big difference. She is not living a lie. HE is. She is fine.

Imagine her finding out later about this. Regardless of whether or not it will happen, imagine how it would make her feel. She has a right to know what her bf has done. She believes certain promises and values exist in this relationship and that is why she is with him. Since that is not the case anymore, she also has a right to know that, and make a choice.

 

The values and promises are not completely eroded. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes and no we shouldn't be judged by them and yes I'm sure most of us wish nobody knew about them. I'm sure there are some out there that have "secret" mistakes that they would never tell anyone about. He didn't do anything illegal, he most likely didn't do anything to harm her health and he clearly loves her.

 

Assuming he's legitimately going to change his ways, then I really believe she's better off not knowing. In fact, he's better off if he tells her but I'm thinking about her. If she never ever finds out and they stay together, or break up in the course of normal relationship life, then so be it. At least she wasn't totally destroyed and hurt in the process.

[Jasper915]

All these opinions have clearly put more perspective to this, and I appreciate all of your replies thus far I know how miserable and tore up that I feel as each day passes, but the hurt that I'm feeling is moreso directed at my own weaknesses: whether they be my inability to control my 20 year-old sex drive, or my inability to rationalize when I'm drunk.

 

And I wouldn't wish this kind of sorrow on anyone - most especially not to my girlfriend. I never thought about it in the context that "I'm the one hurting - not her, and if I tell her, she'll hurt." Then starts the snowball effect of the degradation of our relationship shortly after - regardless of how well I phrase it now; even if I'm 100% faithful for the rest of my life (being the plan), then there still will be that window of doubt on her behalf, right? That's something she will have to live with each day, if I tell her and we break up over it, or if we stay together the effects will be the same - or I don't tell her and we continue on and I deal with the pain and let it fade...I have the ability to cause that suffering not to happen.

 

The second option is certainly looking clearer. Running the risk of sounding like a geek, I'm reminded what happened to Anakin in the 3rd Star Wars movie when he tried to save his love from not hurting - he was set completely on fire and turned to the Dark Side, there to live his day as a shell of his former self.

[Hope75]

I can see where you are coming from. Yes his gf will be mistrustful, and if she does decide to give him another chance, it will take alot of effort on both parts to earn back the trust and respect that will be lost as a result of his mistake. If they survive, the relationship will be that much stronger because of it.

 

She doesn't have to make that decision if he doesn't tell her. The trust and respect will be lost only if he tells her.

 

She should be able to have the right to decide for herself based on what her bf did whether or not she wants to have a relationship with him. Regardless of whether or not he will do it again, he did do it. Once he slept with her, and the second time he kissed her. If he keeps that from her, he is also lying to her every day. You cannot base a solid, healthy relationship on lies. By lying to her, he cannot restore lost trust and respect. The action is done.

 

However, relationships should be based on trust and mutual respect, openness and honesty. At this point, she cannot trust him. He cheated on her. Don't you think she has a right to know that and to be able to decide for herself whether or not to continue the relationship?

 

At this point- she CAN trust him, which is my point. He made a mistake. I'm not in any way advocating what he did or minimizing the pain it would cause her but does she have a right to know? I'm not sure if she wants to know but he's going to make that decision for her if he tells her. She has no say in the matter.

 

Right now she only trusts him because he is lying to her. Ironic, isn't it? She absolutely cannot trust him. Not only has he cheated, but now he continues to lie to her about it and keep it from her. Doesn't sound particularly trustworthy to me. The relationship is based on hiding things from her and lying to cover it up.

 

Do you really think it's fair to keep her in the dark about something so big? He put her health at risk, he put their relationship at risk, he destroyed the trust and respect between them. He really messed up big time.

 

Believing what he said, that there is no way that she will find out, I do think it's fair to keep her in the dark. It is fair to not completely ruin her for the next however many months and to cause her to question every future relationship for years to come. He destroyed the trust and respect between them only in HIS eyes and in OUR eyes. She has no idea. She is walking around all happy and excited to be moving in with him. Regarding stds, I am assuming he used protection (he may have said this) and although nothing is 100 percent, I think if he used a condom he can be reasonably sure he's okay.

 

It is not fair to force her to live a lie! He did not just destroy the trust in his eyes and our eyes. He carried out an action of infidelity, thus destroying the trust and respect in this relationship. That fact that she is ignorant of it right now because he continues to erode the trust by lying to her does not make him trustworthy.

 

You know what? If that's not who he is as a whole, and his gf would know better than anyone, maybe she will choose to forgive him and try to move past it. That should be her choice, knowing all the facts. It is not fair to allow her to live a lie.

 

But he is making the decision for her about whether she needs to make the decision. There is a big difference. She is not living a lie. HE is. She is fine.

 

She is absolutely living a lie. Because she does not know about it and cannot choose for herself whether she wants to does not change that fact. He knows the truth, she does not because he's kept it from her. She is living a lie, not him. And "reasonably sure" he's OK is not good enough. If his judgement was so clouded at the time of the encounter that he couldn't remember and respect the fact that he had a girlfriend, I doubt he had enough common sense to protect himself. If he did, I doubt very much that his judgement was as clouded as he claims... another reason his gf should know about it! If he can do this twice, he absolutely could do it again. If he never tells her, that door is all the more open and tempting. Heck, if he got away with it once.....

 

Imagine her finding out later about this. Regardless of whether or not it will happen, imagine how it would make her feel. She has a right to know what her bf has done. She believes certain promises and values exist in this relationship and that is why she is with him. Since that is not the case anymore, she also has a right to know that, and make a choice.

 

The values and promises are not completely eroded. He made a mistake. We all make mistakes and no we shouldn't be judged by them and yes I'm sure most of us wish nobody knew about them. I'm sure there are some out there that have "secret" mistakes that they would never tell anyone about. He didn't do anything illegal, he most likely didn't do anything to harm her health and he clearly loves her.

 

Assuming he's legitimately going to change his ways, then I really believe she's better off not knowing. In fact, he's better off if he tells her but I'm thinking about her. If she never ever finds out and they stay together, or break up in the course of normal relationship life, then so be it. At least she wasn't totally destroyed and hurt in the process.

 

Yes, the values and promises of being faithful to one another and honest with one another are eroded. He cheated, and how he's lying about it. If he keeps her in the dark, that does not bring back or maintain the values. The only way to do that is to come clean, allow her to make a choice about herself and her desire to either stay and work through this with him, or to leave. If she decides to stay.

 

I would be cautious to assume anything. If he truly loved and respected this gf as much as he claims, he would not be in this predicament. This "secret" mistake effects his gf, the relationship is about two people, not just him. Both should have the right to the truth and he is taking that right away from her by not telling her. I doubt he's better off in telling her, or he would tell her. She is better off knowing the facts and being able to work on it if she so chooses with him, or walking if that's her choice. If he didn't want to hurt her than he shouldn't have slept with someone else. It's too late for that now. Now what he needs to do is be honest and up front with her, and not continue to hide and lie, and continue doing wrong.

[bellamcb]

I still disagree with that line of thinkig. If he doesn't tell her she doesn't know. The comments keep coming back to how she can't trust him right now, which is factually incorrect. She can and she does. If he tells her, all the things said will be true. If he doesn't, she'll go on as she did.

 

Either way- it's his decision.

[Hope75]

The comments keep coming back to how she can't trust him right now, which is factually incorrect. She can and she does.

 

She cannot trust someone who cheats on her and then lies to her about it. She does trust him right now because he's lying to her and hiding the affair. It's all based on deceit.

 

Let's agree to disagree.... my fingers are getting tired.

 

And you are right, it's his decision, I just hope he makes the right and honest choice.

[lillady898]

It's seeming more and more people have different preferences on this, but the best and most morale route is to be honest and tell her. I personally would rather deal with the awful heartbreak than to be left in the dark about what a boyfriend is doing (or has done). Sure, it hurts, but she still has the chance to decide what she can do to make herself recover. Think if she finds out on her own by a slip of the tongue (for an example, you get drunk again and start spilling some secrets), how do you think she will feel then? Willing to give her perpetually lying boyfriend another chance? Probably not.

[suprema99]

I agree with bellamcb, telling her is the dumbest thing you can do, if you really sorry about this, like you say you are. Just don't do it again. If this was a marriage, I would probably go the other way, but it's not. For the poster, if you believe that you won't do it ever again, I would say if you tell her, she'll never trust you again. She shouldn't cause you cheated, but at least without her finding out you get another chance not to do it again.

[Lexicon85]

Honesty.

[saltwatergirl]

Well said, Lexi.

 

Salt

[Jasper915]

Finally, some closure. I suppose all the prayers and so forth have worked in my favor this time, as she forgave me. Not only did she completely forgive me, but she told me that she also cheated on me, and she was relieved to get that out in the open. I decided that telling her was the best thing to do, and I'm certainly glad I did...I left everything else up to her, and she still wants to continue this more than ever.

 

Day 1 into this whole "coping" issue; I hope this phase doesn't last too long, because she seems more or less indifferent, emotionally. Funny thing, well, ironically, the reaction was the polar opposite of what I expected. I cried, and she comforted me

 

Any advice as to how to deal with this, both on her and my behalf? "Go on just like we did before," was one of the top quotes I've gotten.

[lady00]

Wow...she cheated too? I wonder if she would have said anything if you hadn't. Well, anyway, I think you did the right thing. And I also think you both need to figure out why you cheated and deal with it together. If you try to sweep it under the rug, the underlying issues might not be resolved. Good luck with the relationship!

[Hope75]

Well done Jasper! See, she did it to you as well, imagine you living with her thinking she was faithful to you all this time. I think honesty was the best policy for you both this time. Do you know the circumstances of her cheating? When, what she did & with who?

 

I think you both need to talk about it some more, work through it together, and be totally honest with one another from now on...about everything.

 

It won't be like before... you both know that each of you were unfaithful and deceitful in the past, and it will take awhile to earn back the trust. I think you've both made a good start though.

 

You clearly care about each other enough to have come clean, and now you have a chance to start fresh.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[suprema99]

I wonder also, like lady00 said. Would she tell you she cheated, if you didn't say anything? Did you happen to ask her how long ago it was when she cheated on you? I'm guessing she would of kept it a secret. But who knows. Goodluck

[lillady898]

That really makes me happy that you told her. You are a strong person for doing so, and I wish anyone who had cheated would follow in your footsteps.

 

For a while, your relationship will likely be a bit awkward. It will take time to build the trust, but while being honest about something like cheating is already a big step. The positive side of this whole situation is that you know that you will both be honest with eachother is testy situations. You both will probably be on eachother's leashes (i.e. telling eachother where you're going, frequent phonecalls, whatever it takes) until the trust is fully rebuilt. If you both comply and both genuinly want to save the relationship, the whole situation may even bring you closer. (And by saying this, I'm definetly not saying it's okay to cheat.)