catfeeder

My heart goes out to you. I'd be more angry than sad, because this isn't some unfortunate circumstance that has created a barrier for you--it was deception. And it was deliberate. I'd allow anger to carry me forward with determination that I can't be derailed from my quest for a good match. Set up a bunch of new quick-meets and go enjoy meeting people for coffee. It might be helpful to get clear about natural odds. Most people are NOT our match. This is true for everyone, so don't sabotage yourself mentally. The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches until you strike simpatico with the RIGHT person. A liar is not him. Consider every disappointment along the way as moving you forward toward finding your person. It only takes one.

Sorry, I just don't confuse being open minded with putting up with being lied to. He's a grown man, yet he's disingenuous enough to feign ignorance about lying being wrong. It's like a jerky kid saying, "Wul, you didn't say that I can't lie, so I did it..." That's not a man who would interested me--and it's not even about him. It's about me and my valuable time that I can't get back because I've been punked. I be less hurt than furious, but I wouldn't show that to him because he wouldn't deserve that amount of energy from me. Buh-bye.

I would fly in to stay with family, not a total stranger. Then you can just set up a first meet with him for while you're there. This way, if you determine that you're not a good match together, you can skip making another date, visit with your family and friends, and then go back to Ireland on a planned round-trip ticket. The guy already sounds a bit pushy about your time. I can only speak for myself, but that would be a turn-off for me, and I would not cater to it.

Yes, it's working, and this relates to your other thread about the questions. That 'vision of romance' thing sounds like the kind of stuff these scammers would ask. It gives them a template to morph into one's perfect fantasy.

Hi TL! I get the anxiety. It's hard to be drawn to someone's flame despite knowing you'll probably get hurt. You simply know this because he's hurt you before, and his excuse was lame and not even something that says, "I really am sorry, and I'll make it up to you." He's a guy who always has stuff going on, and he's shelved you (twice?) in favor of going in another direction. So yes, he's fun to be around, and you want to see more of him, but you also know that you're setting yourself up for anxiety. That's okay, most of us have done that. Enjoy what you can, and if it gets too much, run and hide! 🙂

Yep, unfortunately, I'd feel the same way. A foundation of trust is crucial to me. I'd never know what to believe from the guy going forward, and harboring that kind of insecurity is just not how I'd want to live.

Yep, and Nigeria isn't the only place where there are teams of people who go into an office everyday and spend their shifts romancing 'marks' online. They groom lonely folks to fall in love with them over time, and as they make plans to meet in person. Boom! Suddenly, an emergency happens and the trip is off unless the mark sends the romancer sums of money... This can go on for months or even years, with the same mark often sending more and more money to resolve the romancer's problems.

Ahh! Okay, got it. Thanks, YC. We see this in all sexes, and of course, they play to and attract the 'saviors' among us. While some people have a learned dependency, this continues to be fed by those who have a co-dependency that attempts to fix others. So what it it that you would you like to discuss about this? Is there a specific instance that we might be able to help with?

What would be the context of such a damsel, and would these be the only options to describe anyone who might help her? I, myself a woman, have been harmed while helping other women in domestic violence situations. Does this make me unhealthy, toxic or a simp? Maybe you can offer some examples of the types of scenarios you have in mind so we can comment?

I agree. What the hell, OP? Your answer to your wife's deception as a responsible citizen and family man is to threaten assault, and go attempt it? Really? Look, Dad. The future of your children and your relationship with them rides on your ability to keep your head, exercise self control, AND manage your adult self like a reasoning human being. Countless folks have advised you to seek legal advice. If you're not willing to start there to learn the realities of what you potentially face, as opposed to getting yourself thrown into prison, then how can a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum help you? Either you are smart enough to direct your intelligence toward finding a reasonable course of action that preserves your access to your own children, or you are too invested in acting like a brute to consider that. Your call.

Oh, I so understand, dearest. If you were simply reflexive this way--the end--as we've all seen in other instances where threads are closed, and without the consideration and your obvious investment in doing such work, I'd just back off, make an occasional comment, but offer zero to little investment myself, knowing that the thing will just be shut down the moment someone tips the scale. But you are an inspiration. You're a model for walking talk. You may be as flawed as the rest of us, and as fine as the best of us, yet you stand out because you are doing WORK consistently, and I just hate to see that get shut down by a reaction-in-the-moment when you can, instead, take a breather and 'allow' for imperfection. Go meditate, consult with the highest and strongest intelligence that you own, and decide whether some stranger's misunderstanding of a given word or your overall intent is REALLY that important in the scheme of the larger picture. Well? You'll never learn that bigger picture unless you allow the collective scheme to unfold and either self-correct over time or otherwise spin out and be gently reminded by you of the original topic and the limits of the focus you want to acknowledge. I do understand the impulse to 'correct' another, and yet, plenty of other posters do step up to point out misunderstandings or otherwise redirect folks to more current inputs. However, you only get to see that afterward without being able to fully appreciate it--because you're quickly reflexive and hyper-focused on micro-corrections. And this exhausts you when you could otherwise enjoy the overall outcomes and exchanges that unfold underneath what you've created. Allow. Make that part of your mantra. Every 'bad' word is not the final word, and every misunderstanding is not a reflection on you. Focus, instead, on your intent, but allow for the natural progression of others to catch up, to self-correct or otherwise be influenced or overrun by a natural flow of intelligence--AND without an impulsive need to 'micro-manage' that. You will thank yourself later for what you do not try to control today. Meanwhile, I'm so pleased with you for sharing with us the nature of your real life exploration! Keep doing you, and keep enjoying your growth and challenges. My heart hopes for a wildly fun and loving outcome for you. Best, Cat

Yes, and so you see why, coming from someone who has shared this tendency with you, it's important to unspin this mentality. Not only because it harms your own enjoyment of anything less than perfection, it impacts your time, your focus and your relationships--with co-workers, with your husband, with your children. There is NO 'up' side to it. If it's useful to wrap this tendency into a predisposition for addiction, you can do that, but that alone does nothing to resolve it for you. As with any addiction, the internal work is the work, the external work is the work, and nothing but doing that specific work can resolve the problem. And this is why I proposed revisiting any mentor, counselor or group that has helped to influence your recovery in the past. However, the deeper work beyond abstinence of a substance isn't within the same scope. This doesn't imply that the behaviors aren't related (lets call those 'addiction behaviors', 'compulsive behaviors', and 'obsessive behaviors'), but rather, it suggests that 'self medicating' through substances can be interchangeable with compulsive behaviors (currently work) or obsessing over an extreme focus (currently work). Does any of this sound like stuff that can be effectively 'treated' in a casual, or amateur way--without reaching for trained and professional help? Depending on your geographic location, the fact that you are working may afford you access to benefits called EAB, 'Employee Assistance Benefits' or something similar. I used such benefits during the aftermath of a hurricane, where I lost my home and all my belongings. It allowed me 3 free confidential sessions with my choice of a therapist listed as approved providers. So I compared that list with one from my insurance company to narrow down providers common to both lists. This was important in case I wanted to continue work with that specific provider. I hope you will continue to write here if it's helpful, but also because I care about your process and your outcome. Holding you in my thoughts.

Yaaay, you! ...and him! I'm so glad, I'm bowled-over. And ... cookies. From a lady who might be old enough to be your grandma, please take this with your best interests at heart... We all love to analyze. When people here do it in your threads, and they parse your words, or they broad brush assumptions or they split hairs over whatever's interesting to them, and it offends you, I hope you will please consider pulling back just enough to recognize that you do not 'owe' every little molecule of a slight, or mischaracterization, or misunderstanding, the attention and the energy of a defense and a debate? I watched you get exhausted last night, and unless you enjoy that, then for what? You so often close your threads, which is unfortunate for this community. You are allowed to step away from a thread. You are allowed to simply overlook any responses you don't like in favor of responding to those from which you feel encouragement and support. You are allowed to hide from view the posts of those who annoy you. But I don't understand why you feel such pressure to 'manage' each and every response as though it's inexplicably important--and to such a degree that you end up locking each of your threads as though it must contain a last word posted exactly the way you want it? You do understand how this feels to each of us as participants when you've seen others do this, right? Let's celebrate your great date and the fun one to come! And let's see if you might be willing to use your creative and wonderful thoughts and learning processes in a spirit of generosity to those who come here behind you, who can learn from you as well. Practice thinking of any posts that sound critical (and nit-picky) as a reflection on the author rather than on you. (Those always speak for themselves.) You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you are an inspiration to those around you who are dating and learning and growing. (((Big HUG))), Cat

You do make sense, and I hope it's some comfort to know that most of us can relate, at least to one degree or another, to what you say. It feels isolating, as though nobody else suffers the same problems, even though such feelings are universal--some people just tap into them occasionally, while others tap into them all of the time. Even the most confident person you know can have a day or a spell of days or weeks or months where they reach into that part of themselves that can view the world through a lens that overlooks all of their accomplishments, and finds instead, exactly the proof they need to see themselves as unloved, unlovable and weak.This is why the suicide hotlines are not just for emergencies, like a 911 number, but rather they are for 'prevention'. They are often serviced by people who've been exactly where you are, and yet because they allowed someone to help them, they became able to tap different aspects of themselves and are now trained and capable of helping the next person through this. You did the same thing to get sober, only now you're forgetting those skills because you're tapped into a deeper place and can't remember how to climb out. So why not do two things? First, contact one of the hotlines on the Internet to discuss your feelings with them. If one person isn't helpful, call the next. Learn from them how to stabilize at least just enough for the second step. That would be reaching back to your recovery community as though you're seeking their help for the first time. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll write more if it helps.

This is something important to consider, and mainly because you wrote this: I get this. I was an overachiever exactly because of this. I suffered the A+ student syndrome through a good part of my career, and all the way through my Master's degree because I didn't know where the bar was set. So because I would view anything less than an A+ as criticism of my work, I became obsessive about leaping so far over that imaginary bar, there could be no room for a lesser grade. That was lonely. I saw the people around me relaxed and playful and delivering presentations and submitting work so far below what I believed was acceptable, yet they'd get good grades and still advance along with me. REALLY? Well, doesn't this sound like what you're doing, especially when you take over other peoples work? A therapist can not only help you with your self esteem bottom line, but you'll have someone to help you review your cut-back plans and hold you accountable to reporting actual progress in this area. You'll also challenge yourself to take private criticism from your therapist and avoid playing "the good patient" who cannot be honest with a therapist just because you're striving to get an A+ in therapy! Instead, you can raise this with the therapist, up front, and ask to be busted on your BS so you can learn how to relax and get real. Head high, but not too high 🙂