Hah, back when I was a kid, I was in love with this one girl I went to school with for, like, seven years. I often flip-flop on calling what I felt for her "love", or just not putting any label on it, because I don't know what it was. I know it was a good feeling, and I know that's the only time in my life I've ever felt that feeling, but with "love" being so hard to specifically define, I can't tell if that's what that was, or not. Anyway, I was too shy to ever really talk to her about it; she kinda sorta had an idea I had a little crush on her towards the end, but she had to transfer schools, and I let her slip away.
Interestingly enough, I managed to get back in contact with this girl a few months ago, and ever since, I've found my old feelings for her resurfacing. Problem is, she's got a boyfriend, and seems very happy with him, and I don't know what's going to happen with them; for all I know, they'll be together for the rest of their lives. It makes me really unhappy to know that I can't be with her, and may very well never get to have a chance with her. I wish I hadn't have even found her online in the first place... Hell, sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier now if I'd never met her, period.
Anyway, I've never had a girlfriend, or dated, had sex, even got any kind of attention (other than platonic friendship) from girls. I've always had a very shy nature, and I hate that about myself, but I just can't seem to break out of that shell (and stay out of it). But the thing is, I've always WANTED to date, and have a girlfriend, very badly. I've always been very lonely, especially because, during high school, I fell in with a bad crowd that just made me miserable for nearly three years. It really would've been nice to have a girlfriend at that time, just to have something good going in my life, some one to take comfort in, ya know?
Been a year since I graduated high school, but I haven't really met anyone new... I finally broke away from that terrible group of people I was associated with in high school, but now I have no "friends". I recently found out that there was this one girl I went to high school with that had a crush on me, but she was shy (kinda like me, heh...), so she never let on. I kinda wish she would've, though, because she was nice, and I definitely would've dated her. I tried looking her up, recently, and there's a chance I may be able to get in contact with her, but I don't know if it'd really be worth it or not.
Lately I've been playing around with some online dating sites. I mainly focus on OKCupid, now. I've had a couple of girls on there tell me that I sound like a pretty cool guy after reading my profile, and earlier today I got a message from a girl who mentioned that she thinks I'm "really hot", so I've been in pretty good spirits today, because I've NEVER EVER had a girl compliment me like that before. ^_^ So, that made me kinda happy.
I plan on starting college in the fall, and I'm hoping I'll meet lots of new people, and be able to finally find some one to date. But, I suppose that depends on how well I can "fix" myself. I HAVE to figure out how to stop being so shy, and so nervous around new people, those two things are really killing me. I don't know, but I just wish I could find some one... I fear that I'm getting so desperate, that soon, I'll literally settle for anything; then, I'd end up with a girl who'll cheat on me, and mentally/ emotionally abuse me, all while I look the other way.