Batya33

I would channel the assertiveness you rely on in other areas of life -like all the strides you are making in your career- applying to a fire department and going through that sort of training requires a lot of spunk! -use that into faking it till you make it - telling yourself you can do this -you can ask a woman out for a date you plan in advance. First I'd be in environments where people -preferably single people - hang out -not bars but activities -sports, hikes, salsa dance classes, volunteering backstage at a community theater, volunteering with children who live in a homeless shelter, etc. Where conversation is natural and people are basically sober and no cold approach needed. Ask your friends to set you up with appropriate ladies. Second once you're proactively out there if you strike up a conversation with a woman who seems interesting, ask her for her contact information or mention a festival you were thinking of attending -whatever -and invite her to join or simply say "I'd love to see you again - are you free this weekend (if it's at least a couple days in advance). I don't think your height and weight are relevant really - I preferred dating shorter men actually - your values and goals are relevant as are your healthy lifestyle habits. Being fit is a good thing of course. Sure it takes some courage -I asked a number of men out for dates and asked for first meets through dating sites too. I think dating sites are fine too - but I'd start with being out and about. To increase my chances of finding a husband -a good match for me -I moved 9 miles to be even more in the heart of the major city I grew up in -I was in my late 20s and fresh out of grad school -it helped my social life a great deal. In fact my future husband -who I met at work - ended up moving into that same location from a similar location shortly after we started dating (we didn't marry till much later but that's another story). I worked long hours -just as you likely will if you join a fire department - and being close to work -I walked -and close to all social activities helped a great deal. (And yes I agree about kids - have a 15 year old son who is not yet dating -he has time!)

Where is the issue -you don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. Therefore living with him is not fair to him because he expects you are living with him because you want to be in a romantic relationship with him. You can feel lost and sad and still do the right thing. Doing the right thing sometimes is very hard. First you tell him you are leaving and you make a plan to leave. You leave ASAP. While making this plan find a place to stay either back where you used to live or where you live now. Making friends and meeting people is a want not a need. You can work on that want once you do the right thing by your current partner. That's very secondary. If needed tell yourself you took this risk by moving far away to live with this man. I'm sorry you are feeling lost and confused. Ending a relationship is hard and emotional. But take the actions that reflect the values of being kind, thoughtful and doing the right thing. I hope you feel better soon.

I don't think it matters at all how much a person is interested in the person they are with as far as whether that person will ogle another person blatantly. If a person is not "that" into his or her date and didn't miss that day in kindergarten when basic manners were taught, he or she will behave appropriately - and will not "wander" in that blatant way while with the other person and if they feel like it that much they'll end the date early. I was once (over 20 years ago) on a mediocre first meet at a cafe that was very popular for first meets. I noticed a man at another table checking me out- he was on a first meet or date. I didn't stare at him. Later he emailed me -said I'd contacted him on the dating site and he recognized me from the photos (I did not recognize him). He said he wasn't going to see his date again (and my date emailed me that he wasn't interested in me lol). So we went out a few times. I don't know -maybe I shouldn't have met a person who would be that rude and check out another woman but his reason was he was trying to figure out why I looked familiar (which I have done - a double take if someone looks familiar and I cannot place them). I don't think it's ever my job to hold someone's interest enough that they won't treat me disrespectfully.

I think people can change over time -someone who is that focused on looks and so selfish as to make those mean and nasty comments can change later in life - but not in this short period of time IMO and yes he thinks his exes were better looking -the only relevant change might be if he didn't care. There always will be people who marry or are committed to partners who are less attractive looking than someone from the past -a past spouse, a past relationship. But that person won't care (other than knowing, realistically that it's basically true) and therefore it will never come up especially not as a comparison. This person for example -if you age or your looks change might compare you unfavorably to the past "you" because he has shown you he is focused on looks. Will he make a comment -yes if he still cares that much and yes if he is still selfish in his behavior (and thoughtless). When I refer to change I mean a teenager/young adult might have made comments like that and later in life realized how shallow and thoughtless they were- not in this short period of time - I think he's changed as far as not wanting to lose you so he'll tamp down how he reacts but you're right that it might happen again at a "weak" moment. I don't think he's a good match for you.

I'm so sorry to hear this and I have heard often the flaring up can be out of nowhere -not related to what you've eaten or not eaten. I hope it gets better!!

What he wrote was similar to what I wrote -you seem to be focused on needing a "group" that does things together -specific things and fairly specific routine (except when you feel like changing it up like you did with choosing to get your laundry done and show up later) - and to me that's different from wanting friendship. That's wanting to feel like you're part of a group of friends -more like acquaintances or activity partners - rather than truly wanting to connect. That might be why that person didn't tell you he was an expectant father -he gets the sense from you that your focus is far more on hanging out as a group than caring about his individual life when he's not at the game/the pub.

Onwards and upwards and it is great to hear how supportive your family is.

Why - that's so extreme! Totally fine to feel what you feel -strong attraction is fun and exciting and thrilling! But your actions and reactions should be realistic. You don't know this person and you won't really know relevant stuff until you get to know him over a longer period of time -like, months. So being so hopeful and choosing to get that intensely carried away-is not based on reality -it's based on an initially strong attraction and then of course you see the person through that perspective. Maybe he is a good person who is also a good fit for you -time will tell. But sure -have fun with those yummy feelings! No need to be "cold". Realistic shouldn't be cold. There's nothing to get over - you and he flirted and spoke some and you found out early on he is not a person of character and integrity. It's safer to dwell on how hot he is and pine away, "stuck" than to put in the effort to interact socially with people - it's normal. You can shift from reacting to this sort of strong attraction by choosing to pine away to dusting yourself up and returning to the front lines.

What it looked like. First time - I ended things but it was also mutual. 6-7 weeks before the wedding. I just had too many doubts, I was in panic mode. A month later I wanted him back. We met for dinner. He said no - it would be really romantic of course but then I know we'd be in the same situation again. No cheating or lying or betrayal. No abuse in the least. For the next 7 plus years we emailed a few times a year -mostly impersonal stuff. No phone calls. We had one fast dinner after 5 years or so when he was in town (he moved away about a year after we broke up). Platonic. Then after almost 8 years he emailed me that he'd be in my city (where we both grew up) over the summer -did I want to meet for dinner. We'd emailed a bit more in the past year because my dear friend and relative tragically passed away. I'd told him as he had known her. We emailed about her. I ended a long term on and off again 7 year relationship about 4 months before he emailed me asking about dinner and we met over a month later. I assumed it would be another platonic catch up dinner -I was single. Didn't know if he was -didn't ask. Sparks flew. And they weren't mentioned but it was obvious. He'd recently ended a one year serious relationship -he had to tell me that as I saw a dress in his apartment she hadn't yet picked up. (I walked him back to his apartment and stopped in for about an hour -totally platonic). The next week he called and asked me to dinner and theater and I figured it was with a group -I literally had no clue he was interested. We had a lovely -platonic -evening. Then almost two weeks passed and I started dating someone. We emailed a few times and he was going to be leaving town in about a month. He then called to see me again - platonic I assumed. Another lovely evening - and that night he asked me to get back together. I hesitated-for about 60 seconds? -it was -amazing but also overwhelming -we'd failed so colossally years ago. I said yes and we have a brief discussion about what we wanted -marriage and family- that we would likely be long distance, that I likely would have to relocate if we got married for his career. I idd tell him I was a a little scared! - I think he was too! - but we went for it. We got married 3 years and 4 months later. Same engagement ring! The wedding that did happen was 11 years and one month after the first cancelled one. We've been married 15 years and we're happy. We both had changed in ways that complemented each other. I didn't settle. We were 39 and 38 when we got back together. That's what it looked like!

Please don't let her little girl get attached to you while you're uncertain about the future -it's so unfair to her.

I agree with Boltnrun and Catfeeder and I would not delve far at all into "oh he's a commitmentphobe" -if that were the case that's on him to be motivated to seek professional help or some outside resource -friend, book, religious counselor -to stop letting his fear impede his future with you. He's not. You're not a therapist nor should you nag him into marrying you as I wrote. I'm a fan of information -relevant information -in your situation getting more information or getting him to say "yes I guess I'm afraid of commitment" -isn't going to really help in any practical way. Maybe an ego way -whew, it's not me it's him. Here's another thing that stands out to me -you've said much about your career goals -when it will be your turn to pursue them if you move with him (please don't!) - but you're soooo passive about this -oh well I won't know if he really means it till he's done with this project, oh I'm "hoping" he'll change his mind." I bet you're quite different when you pursue work, your career, your professional goals -yes? So why not here -is it possible you're not so keen on making this official so you're using his reluctance as an excuse to be safe from making such a big decision?

How does living together progress anything? I didn't see it that way personally and didn't need to test compatibility by sharing living space -especially since shortly after we married we shared 550 feet of living space (my apartment)with a newborn! No way to test how that's gonna be lol. I would give no head space or heart space to what ideas you imagine he is fighting. Back to basics. Right now he doesn't want to marry you. The best he can tell you is that it will take at least 5 years of dating and then he will see if he wants to marry you -he didn't say he'd propose after 5 years. Getting engaged isn't an "idea" -as you said it's a commitment to marry. It's not abstract. Interestingly he doesn't need any time to decide that he's fine with you following him to another city - soon. No time line concerns there despite knowing it's a huge commitment for you. Also please know he is telling you living together did not progress anything because now suddenly he has this 5 year plan.

What's his time line and yours for "eventually?" Did you know about his 5 year plan from the beginning and if not why? And if not whose to say when you think it's "your turn" he'll come up with some other time line like he only wants to move after X years in one place? Seems like you're making huge emotional and financial sacrifices for a boyfriend. Do you want kids? Does he?

LOL do you really think tall, good looking and $ is a strong attraction for a reasonably healthy and secure person looking for a long term partner? So if he had had these attributes you would have "understood" and not found yourself being all judgey about her past choice? You must have a fairly low opinion of her -or maybe women generally -you really think she would have fallen for those attributes to that extent if he also was not a good person? I would not move in with her unless you see yourself as a future stepparent, you have respect and admiration for her as a person no matter what choices she made in the past, You're making it unique and layered. It's pretty simple- she got involved with a person who lacked character and integrity, she married him for the wrong reasons and they share a child. Nothing much to process- either you're ok with her past choices or you're not, either you're ok with her being a mother or you're not. I personally would not be - as a prospect for marriage -because I wanted to marry a never married man who didn't have children and wanted to marry me and start a family with me- that was my strong preference. I stuck to that with rare exception - dated a single dad for a few months -child was born while we were dating -then quickly realized it wasn't for me- but I didn't date people where I was that troubled by their past choices that I looked down on them/was turned off etc. I'm also concerned your feelings on this could affect your feelings about her child. Her child deserves an environment where the adults are in a healthy, stable relationship. And make choices in her best interests always.

LOLLL! Thanks for the chuckle. I think you mostly want to argue. Good luck to you and I hope some of my input helped.