Batya33

I have very close penpals and online friends for many years and it's not true that anything goes. However this is not an online friend -this is a person where there is flirting and sharing of photos for purposes of physical attraction (to a photo) -it's not a platonic friend. Once that boundary is crossed then either you meet in real life to see if you should date in real life or you most likely stop contact -because there can't be a platonic friendship. I've met a number of my online platonic friends in person and with a number of them it was not anything goes -we were reliably in touch and shared personal stuff - and the same rules as a real life friendship applied

Also do you really want this role model for your daughter? I don't think she wants to swing -she's just using it as a euphemistic label so she can have sex with other men.

Ugh I'm sorry -at least you know where not to go next time.

I'm glad you learned from it but I agree with Yogacat that it's not necessary to take certain risks because "everything is a lesson." My choice to let a drunk guy I'd met a day before at Club Med into my room after we made out on a dance floor because my roommate was on the other side of the wall was really dumb and and in my late 20s I surely knew better. I was assaulted - tried to force me to have oral and also said he was bigger than me and could force me if he wanted. Then thankfully he passed out from the alcohol. The positive was I wasn't raped. And he didn't get sick in my bed as he'd thought he might. I did count my blessings that I wasn't raped so I hear you about trying to take something positive -and we had fun before that dancing and flirting and kissing - but I never ever told myself that it's good it happened as a learning experience. Because I'd be dishonest with myself but also for me personally it might give me the perspective that it's ok to take those sorts of risks because it might be a learning experience -the assumption beforehand -not in hindsight. It's good you happened to learn something but to me it's not good that you stuck around once you knew he lied. I'm glad that it was short lived after that and you were able to get out.

I was thinking the same -it really depends. Also as far as the silly search results/algorithm - I know I was overlooked by many many men because I was honest about my age despite looking much younger back then. I was in my 30s looking for marriage and family and I knew many men who wanted younger women particularly so they didn't have to rush into parenthood or go through a geriatric advanced maternal age pregnancy (which I did in my early 40s). So since I was honest- and had to experience the downsides of my choice -I wasn't ok with anyone messing with the algorithm by lying even if they "came clean".

What common values or stuff do you have with a person who won't look for employment for over a year, games all day, inappropriately texts people in secretive ways and would enjoy being a swinger?

I'm not sure why you responded to me. I block and delete. Immediately. If we have mutual friends or I believe I know the person the most I will do is respond and ask if we know each other and/or if he knows my husband. When I was on dating sites many years ago I noticed attractive men as I am human. My focus was not on finding hot looking men. So I often avoided any trolls, etc and my search parameters were local.

I've given my opinion and from the additional information he is not looking for strictly platonic. I don't date my friends.

If roles were reversed -if you weren't working and obsessed with an online game? The situation has changed. And sure if you "don't mind" that's fine -but now you're subsidizing her ability to game all day and flirt/sext with people.

Have you two been on the same page about marriage? Meaning both into it or both not? I think her perspective is being fueled by her unemployment and too much screen time in particular with this game. You chose to set up this dynamic as her financial provider. Why? Do you still want that role? If not then you need to communicate that the Bank is now closed. She can work - she can do retail, babysit/petsit/dog walk whatever even with ADHD right?

Focusing on herself has nothing to do with having friends. She's not alone just because she's not dating. If she was so focused on herself she wouldn't have wanted to keep sending you photos -she wanted you to focus on what she looks like. Perhaps she now has a boyfriend perhaps she always did -thing is you didn't care so much as you kept in contact even though you two had no plans to meet. Also friends don't share photos and flirt to the extent you chose to. Be honest with yourself and learn from this -that is the way to learn from it.

Not sure if this counts but my future husband and I reconnected when we were in our late 30s -I had just turned 39 and he was 38. We'd dated in the past seriously -been engaged - years earlier. I have several friends in their 40s who have met really great men. One is divorced with a young child and in the last year started dating a man who seems so lovely just from the photos, where they go, what he posts about her and her son. Her son is not her ex's child -she had her son on her own. Another friend in her late 40s met her SO I believe through an online site but after her divorce she'd been going to a lot of singles events so maybe that way. They've been together 2 years. She is a lovely woman. Mother of two teenagers. He also seems so devoted to her and I like that he is sort of -nerdy looking -he just has this lovely smile in their photos together and they go to interesting places and seem to be having such fun and taking such a delight in each other. My sister got divorced in her 40s. I bought her a subscription to an online site and she met a man who she had a 7 year LTR with and also dated a lot through the site. She's now in her early 60s, not interested in dating but she's met a number of men and women through karaoke and also I think she goes to other type of music events where she lives. She's very pretty and slim. Always has been pretty and slim and very fit. 4 grown kids/6 grandkids. I think being slim and fit helps. My friend just went to a wedding of a man and woman in their early 50s (she's been friends with the man for rdecades )-first marriage for both - I believe met through friends. A friend of mine met her second husband (widowed) in her early 60s I believe at her HS reunion. I'm sorry you're having a hard time! I suggest volunteer work including backstage at community theater, swing dancing events/lessons, a walking or hiking group.

Sounds like both of you took the safe way out by not meeting -that way you could pine after her photos and not have to deal with real life dating. Quite possible she has a boyfriend and therefore used snapchat and was very concerned about you screenshotting her. Was this app only for friendship?

I got the sense that the shopping was more for enjoyment and celebrating the upcoming birth. Newborns really don't need much in the way of clothes at first anyway- diapers/feeding supplies as needed, car seat/safe place to sleep. In my family's tradition -no baby shower, some buying beforehand but stored away and crib/nursery room put together post birth not before -the superstitious type thing. But my husband and his friends didn't do so until after the baby was born -while I was still in the hospital they got all ready. I do get the desire to go out and shop -and it's not something I would do if there was an "any minute" situation at a hospital whether a birth or otherwise. My labor started 14 hours before I got to the hospital, continued for another 8 or so then the near emergency c-section- but based on my condition when I arrived it could have been any minute. Which is why my husband booked a flight ASAP and arrived about 1.5 hours after I arrived at the hospital. I will add this - I called him zero times once my mother arrived at my apartment to take me to the ER in a taxi and my mom had no cell anyway. It never occurred to me to call him again - he was en route but our entire focus was on getting me -in intense labor -to the ER, looked at ASAP -and all of that. I didn't give his cell to the nurse or anyone - never would have occurred to me. It was on him to get to the hospital and figure out where I was in the hospital. He'd never have expected anyone to call him to update him in that time. In fact he called his parents and the godfather/his friend en route to meet him at the hospital. I didn't call his parents. I'm just mentioning expectations and it matters not at all whether I thought it could happen in 3 minutes or 3 hours or 10 hours. I only called my mother because I definitely wasn't going to take a taxi by myself to the hospital in that amount of pain. My mom lived 10 miles away. I'd labored on my own for over 12 hours by that point and called my husband only to tell him to book a flight ASAP.

First of all -you write beautifully. Second it's funny I had some questions -I mean none of this is my business -you didn't ask -but the funny thing is your pro/con answered most of them. LOL I guess great minds think alike -or "great moms think alike?" 😉 Question -would you need temporary housing during renovation? If so how do you feel about that/is it easy to find a large enough place? Is it as safe an area especially for raising kids? Given the commercial nature would it mean you/the kids having less gatherings at your home/having to take them further to hang out with friends? Totally get all the work you've done on your house -but will it be easy to sell now? Maybe you mentioned but what about purchasing - using store as a store -and renting out the rest so having it as rental income -and staying in your current home? What an adventure -and how head spinning!!