The Sixth Principle of Intentional Communication: Nothing is Personal

By Jan Pedersen

Several years ago, while we were enjoying a year in France as the "guests" of my husband's employer, my husband and I took a Sunday stroll through a quaint, 16th century village.

While we were looking up at the magnificent gothic spires, and taking in the feel of a town with such a long history, we forgot the simple fact that modern France, with a population of about 60 million people, has 10 million dogs.

As my husband was just about to put his foot down in a very large, very fresh reminder of that fact, I could think of nothing more effective to say than "Look out!!!"

He turned toward me, looked all over the square -- in fact everywhere BUT where he was about to step -- and landed squarely in a Great Dane artifact. The effect on the white Nikes was startling, but the effect on his mood was even better.

"You would think those #@!!*&! French People would clean up after their !@#%!! dogs!!! Don't they know that tourists walk here?!? LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO ME! NOW MY WHOLE DAY IS RUINED!!!"

As he hopped and cussed and scraped against the curb, I tried very hard not to laugh. (Isn't it always funnier when it happens to somebody else!)

Luckily, we found a public water tap right there on the square, and with Kleenex, dry grass, and a stick, got him cleaned up enough to calm down.

As we sat in a little cafe on the square (outdoors, of course) I couldn't help but rub it in a little.

"Isn't it fantastic that the French surveillance system is so well-developed that they just knew YOU would be here today? And to have their agent walk his Great Dane right where you would find the artifact was a brilliant piece of strategy. They're probably editing the film right now for release on "France's Funniest Tourist Videos."

Luckily for me, my husband's temper tends to be like a sudden rain squall...dark and noisy one second...clear and bright the next. We laughed together, and the laughter evolved into a fairly philosophical conversation about how taking things personally is the heart of every upset.

I want to emphasize that point, and give it the impact it deserves:

TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY IS AT THE VERY HEART OF EVERY UPSET YOU HAVE EVER HAD!

People have unique ways of communicating, given their background culture, temperament, genetic makeup, life experience, and grasp of the language.

And most people are so insular in thinking the world is all about them, that they are unknowingly communicating into a vacuum, so their communication is ineffective.

Think about it. Maybe you know somebody who is strong in they "eye rolling" department. Every time they roll their eyes, you start cussing and hopping and scraping, thinking they are rolling their eyes at you personally.

Or maybe you know somebody who yells as a way to express themself. You just know they are yelling at you personally.

And because you just know it's personal to you, you find yourself angry, frustrated, and ineffective. The only way out of your pain is to have the other person change!

Those of you that have attended my seminars might remember the story I tell of being a young, naive secretary of 21, working in an environment where the head honcho had what today would be called a "rage disorder."

One day he threw a 40-pound dictaphone at me, as I was explaining to him that I couldn't get his letters transcribed because the dictaphone was malfunctioning.

Sitting alone and crying in the photocopy room I knew that he threw that dictaphone at me, personally. I was so upset I had to go home and call my dad.

Dad was masterful at Socratic coaching...that is, coaching by questions rather than lectures. He asked me a series of powerful questions that broke me loose, and got me to see my boss' behavior with more perspective:

1. Has your boss ever thrown anything at anybody other than you?

2. How long do you figure he has been throwing things as a way to express himself?

3. What makes you think that, as a young woman half his age, any request you make to get him to stop is going to be effective?

In struggling through those questions, I broke loose. He was twice my age. He had at least 100 pounds on me. He had been throwing things since he was a toddler in the high chair...twice as long as I had been alive. IT WASN'T PERSONAL.

That left me with a choice: Do I continue to work for a man that I can count on to throw things? Or do I look for a work environment where that doesn't happen? Do I let somebody's bad behavior influence my life at all? Or do I "vote with my feet?"

My approach was simple. I asked for five minutes of his time, to help me solve a problem.

My problem was I didn't feel safe in his office. Would he be willing to assure me that I wouldn't have heavy objects flying past my head? When he made light of my problem, by saying "I don't see the problem...I missed you, didn't I?" I made my choice to leave. It wasn't personal.

True freedom in life, and true effectiveness in communication result from looking at life the way it is, evaluating what comes your way with as much perspective as you can muster, and making choices based on that perspective, and keeping some shoe-cleaning equipment in the car.