How Can I Help My Potential Partner Manage Commitment Issues?

Dear eNotAlone: I'm writing to ask for some advice about a situation I'm in. It may be difficult to explain because it's rather complicated, but here goes. I've recently become very attracted to a girl I'm now seeing occasionally and am starting to develop strong feelings for her.

She's an incredibly caring person and we get along really well; however, ever since we started seeing each other, things haven't been going quite as smoothly as usual when it comes to making plans. We make plans to see each other but then at the last minute, something always seems to come up and it gets cancelled. I haven't been able to pin down the cause. I think she may be a commitment-phobe but I'm uncertain if that's the actual problem or not.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I seem to have no control over the situation and it's completely out of my hands. I don't want to give up as I really like this girl and I feel that there's potential between us if only I could figure out why it's so difficult for her to make and keep plans.

Please help me to understand the problem I'm facing and to determine how I should proceed from here. Is there any way I can get her to be comfortable with the idea of commitment and make plans that actually stick? What should I do in order to gain her trust? - Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

It's understandable that you are feeling frustrated with the current situation with your potential partner. Commitment issues can be a tricky situation to manage and it's important to take a step back and look at the situation objectively.

First and foremost, it's worth asking yourself what you know about her past relationships, even if she hasn't brought them up directly. Has this individual had any long-term relationships before or any previous commitment issues? If so, it is possible that these experiences have coloured her attitude towards commitment and that is causing her to pull away.

Even if this is not the case, a commitment-phobic personality type simply may not be suitable for a traditional committed relationship. If this is the case, it could be worth thinking carefully about whether this is something that ultimately works for you, rather than trying to force her into something she doesn't want to commit to.

What could help you both reach a mutual understanding is to discuss the issue rather openly and honestly. A good tactic for approaching this might be to explain how you are feeling about the situation and express empathy for her hesitancy. This will demonstrate that you are listening to her reasons and allow her to open up further on the subject.

At the same time, it is perfectly OK to let her know that your own desires for a committed relationship are also valid, and that you want to ensure you are both satisfied with the model of the relationship. Having open dialogue on subjects such as expectations, communication, commitment and values can help move the relationship forward and bring clarity to the direction in which it is heading.

Steering clear of ultimatums, pressuring her to be a certain way, or expecting change too quickly would be unhelpful. Building trust takes time and being patient with her can be a more beneficial approach in the long run.

If after having a discussion, she still remains steadfast in her hesitance, it would be wise to honor her feelings and give her space to figure out what is best for both of you.

Hope this has been helpful.