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  • Matthew Frank
    Matthew Frank

    How To Stay Positive During Marriage Separation

    Understanding the Emotional Journey of Separation

    Marriage separation can be a profoundly emotional and transformative experience, often characterized by a series of stages similar to those outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her groundbreaking work on grief and loss. As a study by Averill, Nemiah, and Sabin (1972) suggests, the initial response to the threat of loss is usually shock and denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately, acceptance. Recognizing these stages and understanding the emotions associated with each can be the first step towards managing your feelings during separation.

    The initial stage of denial is often characterized by feelings of shock and disbelief. The reality of the situation might seem surreal, and it's normal to hope that things will return to the way they were. However, remaining stuck in denial can hinder your ability to process the situation and move forward.

    When denial subsides, it often gives way to anger. You might direct this anger towards your partner, yourself, or even external circumstances. While it's critical to express this anger in a healthy way, it's also important to remember that it's merely a phase in your emotional journey.

    Bargaining often follows anger. You might find yourself making promises or concessions in an attempt to repair the relationship. But it's vital to realize that bargaining is another form of denial — a way of avoiding the reality of the situation.

    Depression is a common stage in the emotional journey of separation. Feelings of sadness, despair, and loneliness can be overwhelming. But remember that it's okay to feel these emotions. They're a natural response to a significant life change. If these feelings persist, however, it's important to seek professional help.

    Finally, acceptance is the stage where you come to terms with the situation. This doesn't mean you're happy about it, but you recognize it as reality and start making plans to move forward. The journey to acceptance can be long and difficult, but it's a crucial part of healing and growth.

    Creating a Support Network

    Humans are inherently social creatures, and having a strong support network is crucial during times of stress and uncertainty. Social support has been shown to help buffer the effects of stress and improve mental health outcomes. A study by Cohen & Wills (1985) found that perceived social support was significantly associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety.

    Your support network can include friends, family, colleagues, and others who are willing and able to provide emotional, instrumental, and informational support. Emotional support involves providing empathy, love, trust, and care. Instrumental support includes tangible assistance, like helping with household chores or providing financial assistance. Informational support involves giving advice, information, or guidance.

    Building a support network is not just about seeking help from others, but also about offering help. Research suggests that giving support can have positive effects on mental health. A study by Brown, Nesse, Vinokur, and Smith (2003) found that giving social support was associated with lower mortality rates, indicating a potential long-term benefit of helping others.

    Don't be afraid to reach out to people and ask for help when you need it. Joining support groups can also be beneficial as it provides a safe space to share experiences and learn from others who are going through the same situation.

    Establishing Healthy Boundaries

    Establishing healthy boundaries during a marriage separation is crucial for emotional well-being. Boundaries are the rules and limits that you set for yourself to ensure your own comfort, safety, and happiness. They can relate to physical space, time, emotions, and personal values.

    Physical boundaries might involve deciding when and where you're comfortable seeing your ex-partner. Time boundaries could include setting aside specific times for communication or limiting the amount of time you spend talking about the separation. Emotional boundaries might involve deciding what topics are off-limits or defining how much emotional support you can provide to your ex-partner.

    Personal values are a critical component of boundaries. They define what is most important to you and guide your decisions and behavior. A study by Sortheix and Lönnqvist (2014) found that strong personal values are associated with higher life satisfaction. When setting boundaries, ensure they align with your personal values.

    Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially if your ex-partary partner doesn't respect them. It's important to assert your boundaries confidently and consistently, and seek support from trusted individuals or professionals if needed.

    Embracing Self-Care

    Self-care is about more than pampering yourself. It's a conscious effort to nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This is especially crucial during periods of significant stress and change like a marriage separation.

    Physical self-care involves maintaining a balanced diet, getting regular exercise, ensuring adequate sleep, and avoiding harmful behaviors like excessive alcohol or drug use. Exercise, in particular, can be a powerful tool for combating depression and anxiety, as it triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural mood lifters. Numerous studies, including one by Blumenthal et al. (2007), have found exercise to be effective in reducing symptoms of depression.

    Emotional self-care may include activities that help you relax and reduce stress, such as reading, listening to music, meditation, or spending time in nature. Journaling can be particularly helpful, as it allows you to express your feelings, clarify your thoughts, and reflect on your experiences. A study by Pennebaker and Beall (1986) found that expressive writing about traumatic events can lead to significant improvements in physical and psychological health.

    Mental self-care is about challenging negative thoughts, cultivating a positive mindset, and engaging in activities that stimulate the mind. This can include reading, puzzles, learning a new skill, or seeking therapy or counselling. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), for example, has been found to be highly effective in treating depression and anxiety (Hofmann, Asnaani, Vonk, Sawyer, & Fang, 2012).

    Managing Legal and Financial Stressors

    Marriage separation often involves legal and financial stressors that can add to the emotional strain. Navigating these issues can be daunting, but taking a proactive approach can help reduce anxiety and uncertainty.

    Legal stressors can include negotiating custody arrangements, dividing assets, and dealing with the legal process of separation or divorce. It's crucial to seek advice from a lawyer who specializes in family law to ensure you understand your rights and responsibilities. Legal aid services may be available for those who cannot afford a private lawyer.

    Financial stressors can include adjusting to a single income, managing shared debts, and planning for future financial security. Consulting with a financial advisor can help you establish a realistic budget, devise a plan to pay off debts, and create a strategy for long-term financial goals. Financial counselling services can provide advice and support for those struggling with financial stress.

    Legal and financial stressors can feel overwhelming, but remember that they are temporary challenges. Taking one step at a time can make the process more manageable. It's also important to separate these practical concerns from your emotional recovery. This separation can help prevent financial or legal setbacks from affecting your overall sense of well-being.

    Reframing the Experience as an Opportunity for Growth

    One of the most powerful ways to stay positive during a marriage separation is to reframe the experience as an opportunity for growth. This involves shifting your perspective from seeing the separation as a devastating loss to viewing it as a catalyst for personal development and self-discovery.

    Psychologists refer to this as post-traumatic growth — the positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity. A study by Tedeschi and Calhoun (2004) found that individuals who experienced significant life crises often reported increased appreciation for life, improved relationships, greater personal strength, changed priorities, and a richer existential and spiritual life.

    Reframing the experience doesn't mean ignoring or minimizing the pain of separation. Rather, it means recognizing that it's possible to grow through the pain and come out stronger on the other side. It involves asking yourself what you can learn from this experience, how it can help you become a better person, and how it can contribute to your future happiness.

    Building Resilience

    Resilience is the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, or significant sources of stress, such as a marriage separation. Resilience doesn't make problems disappear, but it does provide the strength to tackle issues head-on and bounce back from adversity. It's not a trait that people either have or do not have, rather, it involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed by anyone.

    Developing resilience starts by making connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others, provide social support and strengthen resilience. Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems; you can't change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events.

    Maintaining a hopeful outlook, expecting good things and visualizing what you want can also help. A study by Schulman (1999) found that optimism was a significant predictor of positive physical health outcomes. Self-care is important, and so is keeping things in perspective; even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective.

    Practicing Mindfulness

    Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment without judgement. It's a state of active, open attention to the here and now. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings without judging them as good or bad. Practicing mindfulness can bring improvements in both physical and psychological symptoms as well as positive changes in health, attitudes, and behaviors.

    A study by Hofmann, Sawyer, Witt, and Oh (2010) found that mindfulness-based therapy was moderately effective for improving anxiety and mood symptoms. Mindfulness can be practiced through various forms, such as meditation, yoga, and even through simple breathing exercises. It helps you to break away from your usual thoughts about the past or the future and develop a different perspective on stressful situations.

    Developing New Interests and Goals

    During marriage separation, it's common to feel a sense of emptiness or loss, but this could also be the perfect opportunity to rediscover yourself. Developing new interests and setting new personal goals can fill your life with excitement, purpose, and meaning. This can help you move forward and focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past.

    Setting goals can motivate you and give you something to strive for. These goals can be big or small, related to your personal growth, career, health, or hobbies. The process of setting and achieving goals can boost your self-confidence and self-esteem, giving you a sense of control over your life.

    Developing new interests can broaden your horizons and bring joy and fulfillment. These interests can be completely new activities or things that you've always wanted to try but never had the time or opportunity to pursue. This might include learning a new language, taking up a sport, traveling, volunteering, or learning to play a musical instrument.

    Seeking Professional Help

    While the strategies mentioned above can be effective in promoting positivity and resilience during a marriage separation, there may be times when professional help is necessary. Therapists, counselors, and psychologists are trained to help individuals navigate challenging life situations and manage their emotions in healthy ways.

    Therapy can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to express your feelings and thoughts. A therapist can help you identify unhelpful thinking patterns, develop effective coping strategies, and work towards your personal growth goals. They can also guide you through any mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, that may arise during the separation.

    If you're feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, struggling to cope, or experiencing symptoms of a mental health disorder, don't hesitate to seek professional help. It's a sign of strength, not weakness, to recognize when you need assistance and to take steps towards getting the support you need.

    Finding Support in Community

    During the stressful times of marriage separation, the support you receive from those around you can make a world of difference. Social support is linked to better mental health outcomes and can provide a sense of belonging, improved self-worth, and feelings of security. As a study by Cohen and Wills (1985) indicates, social support can act as a buffer against stress.

    Reaching out to friends and family can provide immediate emotional support, but you might also want to consider finding a support group. These groups consist of people who are going through similar experiences and can offer advice, understanding, and encouragement. Many people find solace in knowing they're not alone in their journey.

    Online forums and communities can also be useful sources of support, particularly for those who prefer anonymity or can't attend in-person groups. Just remember that while these resources can provide support, they should not replace professional help when needed.

    Reconnecting with Your Independence

    Marriage often entails shared responsibilities, and separation may suddenly place the full weight of these tasks on your shoulders. Although this may initially feel overwhelming, it can also serve as an opportunity to reconnect with your independence and rediscover your capabilities.

    Whether it's managing finances, taking care of household chores, or making decisions about your career and personal life, these responsibilities can foster self-confidence and a sense of achievement. Embracing these challenges can lead to personal growth and a renewed sense of self-worth.

    Remember, it's okay to ask for help when you need it. Independence doesn't mean going it alone, but rather knowing when to tackle challenges yourself and when to seek assistance.

    Patience and Acceptance

    Patience and acceptance are key elements to stay positive during a marriage separation. The process of separation is often a long, winding road, filled with ups and downs. Recognizing and accepting this can prevent you from getting frustrated with the pace of your progress.

    Patience with yourself is particularly important. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship and understand that recovery will take time. It's normal to have good days and bad days, and healing doesn't always happen linearly. Be patient with your emotions and give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling.

    Acceptance, too, is a powerful tool for staying positive. Acceptance doesn't mean that you have to like what's happening, agree with it, or remain passive about it. It simply means recognizing the reality of the situation and allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judgment or resistance.

    Acknowledge your feelings, accept them as part of the human experience, and remember that it's okay to not be okay sometimes. A study by Shallcross, Troy, Boland, and Mauss (2010) found that acceptance of negative emotional experiences predicts lower negative affect, fewer depressive symptoms, and better psychological health.

    Focus on Forgiveness

    Forgiveness can play an integral role in the healing process and maintaining positivity during a marriage separation. It involves letting go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. Despite its complexity, forgiveness can lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion. A study by Toussaint, Owen, and Cheadle (2012) found that forgiveness, particularly in terms of releasing resentment, can lead to better mental and physical health.

    Forgiving your ex-spouse doesn't imply forgetting or excusing the hurt they may have caused. Instead, it's about finding a way to live with it and choosing to embrace feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion. Forgiveness also isn't a one-time, quick process. It might even involve a lot of hurt. But It can lead to growth and emotional healing.

    Most importantly, forgiveness entails forgiving yourself. You might be blaming yourself for the situation and holding onto regret. But it's important to understand that we all make mistakes, and those mistakes do not define us. Accepting this can help you forgive yourself, let go of the past and move on.

    Setting Healthy Boundaries

    During a marriage separation, it can be beneficial to establish boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Boundaries can be in terms of physical space, time, communication, or social interactions. This can help reduce stress, prevent arguments, and provide a sense of control over your situation.

    Setting boundaries involves communicating your needs and limits clearly and assertively. It might mean limiting or structuring communication with your ex-spouse, or it might involve setting boundaries with friends or family members who may be offering unsolicited advice or asking intrusive questions.

    Remember that your boundaries are about preserving your mental health and personal well-being. It's not about isolating yourself or being rigid, but about defining your personal space and how you choose to engage with others.

    Maintaining Positivity and Hope

    Throughout this challenging time, maintaining a sense of positivity and hope is key. Even in difficult times, try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and the potential for a brighter future. A study by Snyder (2002) found that hope significantly related to life satisfaction and reduced the risk of depressive symptoms.

    Practices such as gratitude journaling, meditation, and positive affirmations can nurture a positive mindset. Finding humor and joy in daily life, spending time in nature, pursuing hobbies, and staying connected with loved ones can also foster positivity.

    Remember, it's okay to have moments of sadness and despair. But it's also important to remind yourself that this is a temporary situation, and it will get better. Keep the faith, stay hopeful, and know that you have the strength to get through this and emerge stronger on the other side.


    • Worthington, E.L., & Scherer, M. (2004). Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience.
    • Peterson, C. (2006). A Primer in Positive Psychology.
    • Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the Upward Spiral That Will Change Your Life.

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