My mother in law drives me nuts

[Pink26]

I cannot understand why my son went away with my mother in law she isn’t even nice to him. He went over her house in Xmas with his new partner and she practically told him to leave because she had guest coming . She was embarrassed of him. She apologized the next day to him . Im not ok the way she treated him even with the apology. He is . My son has a peanut allergy on Easter she gave him a bag of unsafe candy to eat and says I know you can’t eat it but every one got the same . Is she crazy she knows that he can’t have any of it why would she do that to him . Why is he accepting her bad behavior. I have had to deal with her bad behavior for thirty plus years and I’m tired of dealing with this nonsense. I told my husband. I had enough and I refuse to deal with her. Why does anyone have to keep on forgiving her . It bothers me so much that he’s away with her . Also the fact that I can’t stand her . How do I listen to his trip with her without losing my cool because I can’t stand her.

[Batya33]

If  your son is an adult it is his choice and by now doesn't he know how to check what he eats for nuts or allergens? You are entitled not to see her at this point but you don't get to control if other members of your family see her.  If you are triggered simply say to your son "I'm so glad you had a nice time and is it ok if we talk about other things?"  I'm sorry you feel disrespected and since your son is an adult it's great that you can have even less contact with her (and she did raise your husband right - if she is his birth mother he exists because of her so keep that in mind too).  

I hope you feel better.

[Starlight925]

How old is your son?  Sounds like he's an adult?

As @Batya33 pointed out, as an adult, he can make his own decisions.

Often, we experience different relationships with the same person.  So, while your experience with your MIL has been mostly negative, his has not, even if you view it from your lens as negative.  He does not.  Does that make sense?

I worry that you will drive a wedge between yourself and your son, and a deeper wedge with your MIL and possibly your husband. 

Do you want to be on one side alone, while the two of them have a great relationship without you?

Is this a bit of envy on your part?  You feel a certain way about her, and you want him to stand on your side and feel that same way; not only is he not standing with you, he's engaging with her, leaving you out?

[Pink26]

No she has put down both of my parents . She always says mean things. Not envy . She’s just a terrible mean person . I can go on and on of all the mean things . 

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, Pink26 said:

No she has put down both of my parents . She always says mean things. Not envy . She’s just a terrible mean person . I can go on and on of all the mean things . 

I’m so sorry to hear this. Avoid her. You can’t ask anyone else to unless you’re worried she will physically abuse or threaten your son. Imminent danger would of course justify your intervention. My husband had lunch with the estranged husband of his cousin last week. But he knew that if I had come on the trip I was not going to be around him. Last year he treated me disrespectfully in front of my son who is a young teenager and tried to influence my son and egg him on to disrespect me. I left the restaurant very upset. However it’s fine with me that my  husband had lunch with him without me. And even if it wasn’t I really had no place to ask otherwise since I wasn’t there. 
The last few years of my father in laws life he didn’t treat me nicely on several occasions. So when he came over to see his young grandson I very often left and had me time. My son loved him and I’m so glad I didn’t deprive him of that time with his grandfather. Your son is an adult. I’d stay out of it. 

[catfeeder]

You haven't answered the age of your son, but it might be helpful to consider this relationship with his Grandmother an important learning experience for his social future. Lots of people out in the world, his school, his jobs, his career path, his neighbors, will be rude and insulting--and he'll have learned how to navigate those relationships through his experiences with this woman.

Apparently, you've been a good model for your son's handling of his Grandmother over the course of years, and now that he's old enough to decide for himself, you're free to withhold your interactions with her if you so desire. Yet, consider encouraging him to speak of his time spent with her as your opportunity to learn about his capabilities. When he tells you happy things, join him and take pride in his resilience and his ability to enjoy himself despite the landmines. When he raises ugly stuff, you can say, "Wow! How did you handle that?" and let him tell you. If he laughs about it, laugh with him, if he sounds frustrated, ask him how this made him feel. Listen closely, tell him you understand, and ask him what he would like to do in similar situations going forward. Teach him that his respect for his Grandmother is admirable, even while he's also within his rights to raise any boundaries he might come up with.

You can become the best possible sounding board for son to reflect and come up with his own ideas.

Great job, Mom! Your son is lucky to have you.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Pink26 said:

. I told my husband. I had enough and I refuse to deal with her. Why does anyone have to keep on forgiving her . It bothers me so much that he’s away with her . Also the fact that I can’t stand her . How do I listen to his trip with her without losing my cool because I can’t stand her.

It's unfortunate but a lot of people don't get along with their in-laws. It's your son's grandmother and your husband's mother. 

You don't have to like her but the hating could eat at you. Let your husband and son have whatever relationship they want with her and you can avoid her. 

[Cherylyn]

@Pink26  Join the club.  I'm a DIL (daughter-in-law),  wife and mother of sons.  Even though my stories are not the same as yours,  believe me,  I feel for you because I'm in the same boat.  Due to bad situations and reasons,  relationships are strained to estranged on both sides of the family tree including extended family members and in-laws.  Some are good people whereas others both male and female are street urchins dug up from the gutter.  😒

I'll chime in with others.  You can't control other people.  The only person you can control in a mentally healthy way is to enforce your own boundaries with people whom you do not respect nor admire.  Simply bow out.  Other people can socialize or intermingle.  They will circumnavigate you.  Loyalty?  Save that for the movies and storybooks. 

Like you,  I've become bitter and resentful due to lack of an alliance but there's nothing I can do about it.  I'll stay home,  get my chores done,  declutter,  clean,  get organized and take a long hot bubble bath.  If I'm in the mood,  I'll watch a movie,  read library books,  work on my hobbies or I'll take a glorious nap!  😴 💤  In fact,  I kick my heels with giddiness whenever everyone else knocks themselves out while I get to relax at home sweet home.   Look at this break from a different lens and angle.  Use situations to your benefit and advantage.  Turn everything to your favor.  👍 😉 You can't fight it so take your own route and find joy in it. 

With certain enabling extended family members and in-laws,  there is a safe,  frosty,  cool distance between them and me.  Sure,  I'm polite should our paths cross but not to be confused with chumminess.  We're not close and it works.  Everyone should live their own lives in peace.   Despite remaining local,  we rarely see one another throughout the year and it's wonderful.  🤗  Perhaps we might see each other at weddings and funerals if that. 

If I'm with some unavoidable relatives and in-laws,  we're civil.  Thankfully, our encounters are quite infrequent.   I just get the awkwardness over with.  I'm polite yet less than an acquaintance.  It works.  Then after that,  we all go our separate ways and I get to go home.  There is a way to behave while keeping your cool.  😐

Remember,  you can't control what others do but you can create your own safe and protected space.  No one can take away your right to govern your own life and preferences.  Empower yourself.  Your strength,  resilience and healthy control will overtake you.  Once you're clearheaded about this,  they will no longer get under your skin because you'll rise above it.  Go your own way.

 

[Pink26]

Thank you .