5 Essential Steps Before Marriage (You're Probably Overlooking)

In my decades of working as a relationship counselor, I've often found myself in the midst of a profound, heart-to-heart conversation with a couple who, on the brink of exchanging their 'I do's', encounter the unnerving realization that they might have overlooked some crucial aspects of their journey towards marital bliss. This professional experience instigated me to shed light on the subject, to guide and inspire those contemplating the significant milestone of marriage.

Society tends to romanticize marriage, painting a picture of eternal happiness, often underestimating the fundamental groundwork required for a thriving marital life. Many couples, unfortunately, only realize this once they're knee-deep in the complexities of married life. A seamless transition from being a committed couple to a married one involves not just the heart, but the mind as well. There's more to it than what meets the eye or, as some might say, more than just choosing the perfect wedding band.

So, before you set off on the exciting journey of married life, there are a few steps you should seriously consider. It's not just about discovering each other's favorite movie or morning routine. It's about understanding, adjusting, growing, and ultimately evolving together. With that in mind, let's delve into these often-overlooked, yet essential steps before marriage.

Step 1: Understand the Concept of 'Space' in a Marriage

One of the most challenging aspects of transitioning from a dating relationship to a marriage is understanding the concept of 'space'. While you might have spent a significant amount of time together as a couple, marriage often involves sharing your entire life with your partner, which can blur the boundaries between individual and shared spaces.

Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you'll no longer need your individual space or time. On the contrary, maintaining personal space is crucial for your individual growth and identity, contributing positively to the overall health of your marriage. However, striking a balance can be tricky, often leading to misunderstandings and friction.

I've witnessed many couples struggle with this concept in the early stages of their marriage, not out of lack of love, but due to the absence of proper communication and understanding. Discuss your views about personal space, hobbies, and how you both plan to maintain your individual identities. Openly address any fears or concerns related to this area. Remember, you are not just two halves of a whole but two wholes coming together.

Understanding each other's need for space doesn't mean creating distance; rather, it signifies respect for each other's individuality. Create a safe space where both of you can express your needs without judgment. As relationship expert Dr. John Gottman says, "Successful marriages are all about understanding, appreciating, and honoring each other's perspective." So, take the time to understand and appreciate your partner's need for space and ensure they do the same for you.

This step can help set a strong foundation for your relationship, fostering trust, respect, and openness. It's a delicate balance to maintain, but it's one that can make a significant difference in how smoothly your relationship sails into the sea of marital bliss.

Step 2: Communicate About Your Financial Expectations

Another crucial step that couples often overlook before marriage is having a serious discussion about their financial expectations. While this might seem like a daunting task to undertake, avoiding it can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and disagreements in the future.

Money is one of the leading causes of stress in relationships. According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, almost 31% of adults with partners reported that money is a significant source of conflict in their relationship. This statistic underscores the importance of tackling financial issues before they turn into major stumbling blocks in your marriage.

Start by having an open conversation about your individual financial situations, including any debts, savings, and financial obligations you might have. It's crucial to be transparent about your financial standing to avoid any unpleasant surprises in the future.

Next, discuss your financial goals, such as buying a house, planning for retirement, or starting a family. These goals will significantly impact your finances, and having a shared understanding and strategy can make the journey smoother. Talk about your spending habits and money management styles. Remember, it's not about who's right or wrong, but about finding a middle ground that works for both of you.

You might also want to consider seeking professional help, like a financial planner, to help you map out your financial future together. A professional can provide you with objective advice and help you create a comprehensive financial plan that aligns with your life goals.

Open communication about your finances can help you build a solid financial foundation for your marriage, promoting trust and mutual understanding. While it might be uncomfortable initially, being open about your financial expectations can save you from a lot of stress and conflict in the long run.

Step 3: Discuss Family Planning and Parenthood

Discussions about family planning and parenthood often take a backseat in pre-marital conversations. However, these topics are integral to your life after marriage and can greatly influence your relationship dynamics. Therefore, it's important to address these issues before tying the knot.

Having a frank discussion about whether or not you want children, and if so, how many and when, can help avoid any potential conflicts in the future. It's also essential to talk about your parenting philosophies and expectations. For instance, discuss your views on discipline, education, and the division of parenting duties.

Another crucial aspect of this conversation should be your approach to dealing with potential fertility issues. Infertility affects about 15% of couples, according to the Mayo Clinic, and dealing with it can be an emotionally challenging process. Understanding each other's views on options like IVF, adoption, or surrogacy can help you navigate this potential challenge with understanding and empathy.

Furthermore, discuss your expectations about balancing work and family life. If both of you plan to continue working after having children, how do you plan to manage childcare? Are there opportunities for flexibility in your careers? These are some of the questions you need to address before embarking on your journey as parents.

Talking about family planning and parenthood is not about having a detailed plan set in stone. It's about opening a channel of communication and setting a foundation of understanding and respect for each other's views on these significant aspects of life. This step will not only bring you closer as a couple but also prepare you for a vital aspect of your married life.

Step 4: Establish a Common Ground on Values and Beliefs

Shared values and beliefs form the backbone of a strong marital relationship. However, couples often neglect to discuss their deeply held beliefs and values before marriage, assuming they are on the same page. This oversight can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings down the road. Therefore, establishing a common ground on values and beliefs is a vital step before marriage.

Your values and beliefs shape your behavior and decision-making processes. Discuss topics like religion, moral codes, and cultural practices that are important to both of you. If you belong to different cultural or religious backgrounds, it's important to understand how these differences will be respected and incorporated into your shared life. Discuss how you'll celebrate traditions, how you'll handle holiday gatherings, and whether you'll raise your potential children in a particular faith.

Also, delve into discussions about social issues that matter to both of you. For instance, what are your views on gender roles in a relationship? How do you perceive issues like social justice, environmental sustainability, and political ideologies? Such discussions can help you understand each other's worldview and ensure alignment in your core values.

Remember, this conversation is not about changing your partner's beliefs to match your own, but about understanding, respect, and compromise. As American philosopher Joseph Campbell aptly put, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." Respect each other's individuality while forging a shared path for your life together.

Establishing a common ground on values and beliefs will not only deepen your understanding of each other but also build a stronger bond based on mutual respect and shared life vision. This shared understanding will serve as a compass, guiding your relationship through the intricate journey of married life.

Step 5: Learn to Navigate Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. But the way you handle conflict can make all the difference. Therefore, learning to navigate conflict is a crucial step before marriage.

It's important to remember that conflict is not a sign of a failing relationship; rather, it's an opportunity for growth. It gives you a chance to understand your partner better and strengthen your bond. However, to turn conflicts into opportunities, you need to develop healthy conflict resolution skills.

Start by acknowledging that it's okay to disagree. You're two distinct individuals with different backgrounds and perspectives. Therefore, disagreements are bound to happen. What matters is how you handle these disagreements. Instead of seeing it as a battle to win, treat it as a problem to solve together.

Communication plays a vital role in conflict resolution. Be open about your feelings without resorting to blame or criticism. Use "I" statements to express how you feel. For instance, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," say, "I feel ignored when I'm speaking, and it upsets me."

Listening is as important as speaking. Make an effort to understand your partner's viewpoint instead of just trying to get your point across. This doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them, but acknowledging their feelings and validating their experience.

Additionally, don't shy away from seeking professional help if needed. A trained counselor or therapist can provide you with effective tools and techniques to manage conflict in a healthy way.

Learning to navigate conflict can not only prevent unnecessary distress in your relationship but also help you build a more robust and resilient bond. It equips you with the skills to face challenges together and come out stronger.

Marriage is a beautiful journey of togetherness. But to make the journey smooth and fulfilling, it's important to consider these often-overlooked yet essential steps before marriage. It might seem like a lot of work, but remember, the effort you put in today will reap rewards for a lifetime. So, before you say 'I do', take the time to lay a strong foundation for your marital bliss.

Recommended Readings

• "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
• "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson
• "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman