Do I stay or leave my internet porn addict

I'm new to this site and I have been married to my husband for 15 years and he has been addicted to internet porn for 40 years. He realizes its a problem, tells me he feels embarrassed and ashamed, this confuses me. I am so hurt and cannot decide whether to stay or leave.

What are his behaviors around it that make it an addiction? I think that will help us w/ giving you advice.

For example...is he still intimate w/ you? Is it interfering w/ work and time w/ you? That sort of thing.

I'm new to this site and I have been married to my husband for 15 years and he has been addicted to internet porn for 40 years. He realizes its a problem, tells me he feels embarrassed and ashamed, this confuses me. I am so hurt and cannot decide whether to stay or leave.

If his "addiction" bothers you to the point that you're wondering if you should leave him, then why would you stay and enable his habit? Don't stay unless he gets the help he needs to break the pattern.

Does he feel "embarrassed and ashamed" because he's made to feel that way or is he embarrassed and ashamed because he actually wants to stop and can't?

You say he's been "addicted to internet porn for 40 years." Internet was introduced about 20/25 years ago?

He knows better than to view it at work. He waits until he's alone, watches porn movies, downloads porn movies, then masturbates. There is no intimacy, its just sex.

So is the problem with you that he views? You're feeling that you're being neglected? What do you mean there is "no intimacy, just sex?"

So I'm still trying to figure this out...is he watching porn sometimes but still has sex and spend time w/ you? I guess my idea of porn addiction would be that you're being ignored while he's staring at porn all the time and he prefers porn to sex w/ you. Things like choosing to watch porn over going out to dinner or watching a movie together. Is this what's happening?

My husband is 50 years old, he started with magazines, when the internet came out, it escalated from there. We have tried counseling, with no success. Things change for a short time, then falls back to the same "rut" I believe he can't stop. I'm unsure if he wants to stop, I have asked him and cannot get a straight answer.

How has he been addicted to internet porn for 40 years??? Do you mean porn in general - like before the internet he was renting VHS porn tapes?

He has had the problem before our marriage and I didn't know that then. I don't feel neglected, I feel hurt, betrayed, used, deceived, and cheated on. Its just sex, no kissing, no foreplay before.

yes VHS, magazines, books. What is127.0.0.1.?

What is different now from the past 15 years?

yes VHS, magazines, books. What is127.0.0.1.?

It's Home.

link removed

My husband is 50 years old, he started with magazines, when the internet came out, it escalated from there. We have tried counseling, with no success. Things change for a short time, then falls back to the same "rut" I believe he can't stop. I'm unsure if he wants to stop, I have asked him and cannot get a straight answer.

Why would you like him to stop?

He has had the problem before our marriage and I didn't know that then. I don't feel neglected, I feel hurt, betrayed, used, deceived, and cheated on. Its just sex, no kissing, no foreplay before.

Why do you allow him to have sex with you without kissing you or having foreplay so that you're ready? He's not going to change a thing if his way is being enabled. Have you sought therapy to see if you can change so that he has to?

What is different now from the past 15 years?

He had 2 kids from a previous marriage, I don't have any of my own. I think the kids kept me preoccupied. Now the kids are adults and moved out. He is spending more time on the computer. When the kids were little, he would wait until they went to bed and stay up late at night viewing porn. And I would be sleeping. He knows I don't like it and now he waits until I leave the house to view.

Why would you like him to stop?

He is hurting himself, me and our marriage.

Why do you allow him to have sex with you without kissing you or having foreplay so that you're ready? He's not going to change a thing if his way is being enabled. Have you sought therapy to see if you can change so that he has to?

we have been to counselors, things change for a short time, then fall back to the same "rut"

What exactly is it that bothers you so much (assuming he is not neglecting you)? Is it the thought of porn in general, at all?

we have been to counselors, things change for a short time, then fall back to the same "rut"

You didn't answer the question though. Why do you enable him to go forth with actual intercourse before you have had sufficient foreplay, kissing and all the actions that make you feel you're being made love to?

What exactly is it that bothers you so much (assuming he is not neglecting you)? Is it the thought of porn in general, at all?

I feel he is leading a 2nd fantasy life, and its one that doesn't include me. I don't trust him, I feel hurt, lied to, cheated on and betrayed. I feel he has the emotional attachment with the porn and not me.

Then that would be when you need a tune-up and book a couple of more sessions.

 

You didn't answer the question though. Why do you enable him to go forth with actual intercourse before you have had sufficient foreplay, kissing and all the actions that make you feel you're being made love to?

I have tried to starting the foreplay, it seems he has no interest in that. The research I've done on internet porn addiction, it changes the way a person thinks and changes the chemical levels in the brain.

May I ask what is keeping you in the relationship? I'd like to understand why you are fighting so hard to stay when you do not trust him, feel betrayed, lied to, cheated - and this has been going on for years with not even an admission on his part that he would like to change the behaviors which are causing you to feel this way.

I feel he is leading a 2nd fantasy life, and its one that doesn't include me. I don't trust him, I feel hurt, lied to, cheated on and betrayed. I feel he has the emotional attachment with the porn and not me.

I'm sorry for all the questions but you're not giving us ANY examples of an porn addiction but rather lots of examples of your insecurity and SELF-demoralizing. If he's not neglecting you either emotionally or sexually then why is it a problem?

Anyway, you've been to counselling, you've asked him to stop and he's not going to so perhaps its time for you to leave him so that you stop viewing yourself as lesser then a two dimensional visual aid to self-pleasure.

Adding: Are you sure he's not emotionally just checked out just because he is (it happens) and the porn has nothing to do with why you're union is the way it is. ???

Do keep in mind that you'll have a hard time finding a man that doesn't view at least some form of the female body... even if in his own imagination, while masturbating.

Sorry, I'll bow out of your thread now as I'm unable to help you since I don't find myself feeling threatened about porn viewing or self-pleasure and so we'll more likely then not see eye to eye.

Good luck.

May I ask what is keeping you in the relationship? I'd like to understand why you are fighting so hard to stay when you do not trust him, feel betrayed, lied to, cheated - and this has been going on for years with not even an admission on his part that he would like to change the behaviors which are causing you to feel this way.

I love him. I'm scared, Can I finically make it on my own? What would my life be like without him? Someone asked me once, "do I never want to see him again" I can't answer that question for myself. I feel I'm struggling with myself whether to stay or leave.

I love him. I'm scared, Can I finically make it on my own? What would my life be like without him? Someone asked me once, "do I never want to see him again" I can't answer that question for myself. I feel I'm struggling with myself whether to stay or leave.

This is where a 12 step programme (something like al-anon) or codependents anonymous or personal therapy would help you to make a decision.

Go see a lawyer and find out what you're rights are financially, then go to the bank and figure out what you will have once it's all split... then scout out apartments and other places that you could afford to live.. There is something that makes you more confident when you are educated about what you are doing.

I know I said I was going to bow out but the conversation changed course on your last post.