Do I stay or leave my internet porn addict

[Pinky40]

He has turned me down when I try to initiate. If I don't initiate there would be no sex. I have family events and he doesn't attend. He has isolated himself. He wakes up in the morning, on the computer, comes home from work, on the computer. We have no emotional connection with each other and poor communication.

[itsallgrand]

I love him. I'm scared, Can I finically make it on my own? What would my life be like without him? Someone asked me once, "do I never want to see him again" I can't answer that question for myself. I feel I'm struggling with myself whether to stay or leave.

 

Maybe spend some time addressing that. The fear. Could you make it on your own? Really think about it. Chances are very good that if you worked at it, of course you could. You would figure out something. What would life be like without him? Good question! What would it be like? What would you miss? What would you not miss? What is he bringing to your life, and what are you actually missing out on by staying with him? I think the question "do I never want to see him again" isn't a great one because of course you care about him! and of course that is probably going to be a no. Most people when they decide to leave, it isn't because they never want to see the person ever again. Sometimes it's from weighing the situation and even though there are strong feelings, deciding it's not the best choice and not what is going to make you happy. SO they make a hard choice.

 

I don't have a bias one way or another. If you stay, or go. But just throwing this out there as something to think about. If you can look at the possibility of being alone without fear and STILL want him in your life, then maybe you will take a fresh approach to being in the relationship. Would mean probably accepting that this is how he is , maybe forever.

 

Sorry you are in this position. It's not some easy answer. IT's a choice you have to make. It seems unlikely though that he is going to change. The change one way or another will have to come from you.

 

good luck

[Rosti87]

He has turned me down when I try to initiate. If I don't initiate there would be no sex. I have family events and he doesn't attend. He has isolated himself. He wakes up in the morning, on the computer, comes home from work, on the computer. We have no emotional connection with each other and poor communication.

 

Do you know if he loves you? I sounds like the love has gone out of the marriage.

[ThatwasThen]

He has turned me down when I try to initiate. If I don't initiate there would be no sex. I have family events and he doesn't attend. He has isolated himself. He wakes up in the morning, on the computer, comes home from work, on the computer. We have no emotional connection with each other and poor communication.

Sorry, Pinky.. there's a line in my post you're addressing that was something I was quoting from another thread... I did delete and add but I guess you quoted before I got that far.

 

Anyway, like I said do your research with a lawyer, at the bank and through the classifieds to see other places to live. You don't have to act on any of the advice you get from those professionals but being educated will give new found confidence about leaving and how you'll afford it.

 

You're in a love-less marriage by the sounds of things and I'm wondering why you would want to continue on in that. It's not 1920 anymore so you'll certainly not be kicked out with nothing but the clothes on your back. You've tried to get him to change but he's not having it so now its your turn to change and to get the strength to do it.

[ParisPaulette]

As with all addicts you can only do so much for and with them and there comes a point where you have to let them go, let them fall on their own, and understand if they are ever going to handle their addiction it's all on them to do so. The thing with any addiction is the addict has to reach rock bottom to want or need to change. And it sounds like your husband hasn't done that, so no. All the therapy in the world won't change it. Especially if he's substituting porn for being active and living, which frankly is what it sounds like he's doing. What this stems from can be anything from a fear of people to sexual issues from childhood and a million other things, but they are things only he can decide to fix. Or not.

 

It sounds like you have tried everything and nothing works. And yes, he's addicted if he has to watch it every day and prefers it to interacting with real people and it's all he does. Big difference between someone watching an occasional film or flipping through a magazine and the person who stays glued to it for hours and neglects everything around them. From what it sounds like to me though it's not so much that he's addicted to porn, because he likes the sexual aspects of it or there's anything remotely wrong with you sexually--he has that addiction, because it's his way of avoiding life and human interactions altogether. And I'm just not sure what you can do when someone wants to crawl into a cave and shun human contact and yeah, that's pretty much what this sounds like. He uses images instead of alcohol or drugs to drown out whatever fear is keeping him so locked up, but the principal of it is the same.

 

I think it's time to consult a divorce attorney. If he doesn't want to fix it badly enough to get the stage of win or die in the attempt at coming clean then there isn't much else you can do. All I can tell is to not take it personally although I know those are empty words. Addictions really are about an internal struggle or problem or damage, they have little to do with the people in one's life as a causative factor. Although addiction always has more than just the addict as a victim. This is something inside of him and it was there before you were even in the picture unfortunately.

[Lester]

You knowingly married a porn addict with the hope he would change?

[Pinky40]

You knowingly married a porn addict with the hope he would change?

 

I was not aware of the porn addiction when we got married

[ThatwasThen]

When he gives up the porn for a short while do you feel that he is showing you "intimacy" then or do you find that there is STILL lack of intimacy? I ask because I think no matter if he gave it up forever, there still wouldn't be an emotional connection. The gulf may just be too wide to bridge.. It happens and porn doesn't anything to do with it.

[Rosti87]

OP

 

If he was into porn before you met him and you were more intimate than you are today then you as a couple have intimacy issues probably incompatibility.

 

No excuse for his behavior but I think this porn thing is a symptom of something deeper. Whether that be him or both of you. I agree with others that this relationship is too far gone to fix it.

[Unreasonable]

Can you please clarify why you think he has an addiction? Because watching porn when he gets some alone time does not signify an addiction. Even if it happens to be a behavior you don't like.

 

A vast majority of men masturbate. That is not some abnormal activity even after you're married. A great deal of research was done on this, starting in the 1940s. Well before your man saw his first naughty picture. And a vast majority of them do it to internet porn because that is the most convenient stimuli, is free, and doesn't require leaving your house.

 

I know you have read a bunch of stuff on the internet that supports your position, that's what people do when they're trying to bolster a presupposition. But you can find something that supports any side of any topic on the internet.

 

If he's avoiding life, and you, then that is a sign of something deeper going on, because that can happen to people regardless of their porn use.

[ParisPaulette]

He has turned me down when I try to initiate. If I don't initiate there would be no sex. I have family events and he doesn't attend. He has isolated himself. He wakes up in the morning, on the computer, comes home from work, on the computer. We have no emotional connection with each other and poor communication.

 

Per OPs posting this man's need for porn overshadows and surplants everything else in his life. That does indeed signal an addiction that goes beyond just a regular Joe enjoying porn now and again. He lets his need for porn actively rule his life and act as a barrier to him really getting out beyond his house and living a life. That's just not good. It would be just as problematic if OP had a similar addiction to say watching Friends reruns and episodes over and over again every single day shunning all activities outside of that and work, and neglecting her family and loved ones and partner in favor of watching said reruns. You could say, "Well, she just really likes sitcoms and we all do, nothing wrong there." And it wouldn't be in normal healthy doses, but excesses of any sort are a problem.

 

OP you are going to have to figure out what you could do to change yourself and your own life. Your husband knows he has an addiction and yet won't do the hard work of staying clean, to a large degree because I suspect he changes nothing in his life. It isn't enough for an addict to go cold turkey and get clean, the really hard work is in changing one's life to stay clean of the addiction. When my father gave up alcohol he gave up those friends who wanted and actively begged him to stop by the bar for "just one drink" which they would tell him wasn't going to hurt anything. Trouble is while that may have been true for them it wasn't true for him. He said goodbye to them when he got serious about staying sober.

 

At the least maybe seek out support groups for those whose family members or loved ones are suffering from addictions of a sexual nature. It would at least help you get a handle on yourself and could possibly show you tips or solutions for handling the whole thing.

[Unreasonable]

Per OPs posting this man's need for porn overshadows and surplants everything else in his life. That does indeed signal an addiction that goes beyond just a regular Joe enjoying porn now and again. He lets his need for porn actively rule his life and act as a barrier to him really getting out beyond his house and living a life. That's just not good. It would be just as problematic if OP had a similar addiction to say watching Friends reruns and episodes over and over again every single day shunning all activities outside of that and work, and neglecting her family and loved ones and partner in favor of watching said reruns. You could say, "Well, she just really likes sitcoms and we all do, nothing wrong there." And it wouldn't be in normal healthy doses, but excesses of any sort are a problem.

That's not what the OP said, though. She said he waits til she goes to bed then rubs on out. He's not jacking off all day.

 

Isolating himself, being on the computer all the time (or watching Friends, or playing video games, what have you) could be an avoidance mechanism for untreated depression and/or anxiety. It should not automatically be assumed that it is being caused by rubbing one out at night and is most likely NOT the reason for that.

[Rosti87]

I get the sense that something is missing between the two of them. Or one of them. The porn is the symptom of the issue. He needs individual counseling to determine what is bugging him. But it sounds like he is not interested so I just think this marriage may be over.