Depression what an illness!

Now I've never believed that depression was real before until i met my recent ex.

We dated for 7months and we had such a strong connection from day 1 felt like i had finally found someone i could see myself having a future with everything was perfect.

At around the 6 month mark she became ill physically sleeping all the time, having a horrible cough and no energy. She got over that and we were getting back on track, she was cooking me meals etc.

She just wasn't the same though she admitted she had depression and has suffered with it before. For the next two weeks she didn't leave the house. I tried to be there for her but you can only do so much when they don't and won't allow you in. She lost all of her confidence kept saying she was broken and her head was a mess.

Then just over a week ago she text me to say i was the most amazing man she's ever met and I'll meet a girl that deserves me because it isn't her. It was a woe is me text really.

Now I've gone full no contact like i always do after a breakup and will be going back to the gym etc everything i know to do that helps me recover and get ready for the next chapter in my life.

The bit I'm struggling with is the depression everything else in the relationship was perfect and ideal communication was very good and constructive all the way to the end.

Her family life is broken and fragmented, she works to live and not the other way round. Doesn't have many friends.

So why would she get rid of something that was good in her life. I know she needs to work on herself so that she doesn't come dependent on another person but i was willing to be there for her through counselling etc whilst keeping my own life.

I know what i need to do and i know I'll feel a lot differently in 6months time just everything's raw at the moment.

This is more a post to get things off my chest without messaging her but feel free to comment.

Thanks

Depressions be a crippling disease. It may be that she can't handle anything else in her life right now.

Or she might not be as in to you as you think. Either way, time to move on.

Cheers Clinton yep been here before but not with these circumstances. It's just weird how she did a complete 360 and shut off. At least i can walk away with my head held high knowing i tried everything and it's her demons that got the better of her.

I think if i had to go through it again i wouldn't change a thing. Yep time to heal up and move on ready for the next chapter in my life. Cheers.

"So why would she get rid of something that was good in her life. I know she needs to work on herself so that she doesn't come dependent on another person but i was willing to be there for her through counselling etc whilst keeping my own life."

- What she has done is pushed you away. That often happens with depression because that person is feeling so 'low'/

It can be very hard to understand how someone is or feels with this. But you 'try'...

You do really have to be careful with people like this, so you, yourself don't end up the same. Many have admitted being involved with some like this ended up making them feel exahusted & unhappy as well.

If she has chosen to end things, it;s probably best to respect her wish and give her space. Yes, she is the one who needs to deal with it.

Depressions be a crippling disease. It may be that she can't handle anything else in her life right now.

 

Or she might not be as in to you as you think. Either way, time to move on.

I think it's called 'Mental illness', Clinton. Not disease. It can't be 'cured'

I've had depression before. It's like being stuck in quicksand and you can't move no matter how hard you struggle to do so. Also physical illnesses can exacerbate or even be the cause of a depression. When I had mono that was certainly the case and it took me months to feel right again. Or it could be stress from her job or.or.or there are a million and one reasons why the girl is feeling the way she is feeling. And as much as you want to help and don't understand why she would give up a good thing in her mind and in her life it makes sense to her at this time.

All you can do is urge her to take care of herself, to think about going to the doctor to ensure there's nothing that's been missed, to find a better work/life balance for herself and then let her do that. Because in the end she has to be the one to do so and to find what triggers her depression and how to stop it. I know I did and yes, many, many, many people in my life urged me to slow down and not work so hard, to get help. I ignored all of them and blew through every health stop sign there was until it landed me on my back out of a job and at death's door. And then I changed, because I wanted to change and not until then.

I'm sorry this has happened. I wish I could offer you and her a better answer, but outside of urging her to get some help there's just not a whole lot else you can do. She has to be the one to grab her own life by the reins and take it in a different direction. And that's not so easy to do many times. Just offer her your support and love, tell her to seek some help for herself, let it go and do not blame yourself for anything about this.

Thanks Paris for some first hand experience on this matter was really eye opening. Yea we said our goodbyes and left it in a really nice mature way. Wished each other the best etc and she knows i tried everything to help and support her but your absolutely right. That she has to figure this out for herself so any more contact beyond our goodbyes would be detrimental to both of us.

The only thing that lingers is when the depression has been resolved will she come back but i know no one knows the answer to that question.

Time for me to move on and look to my future. Thanks

I have struggled with depression my whole life, and it can ruin what would otherwise be a positive, healthy relationship.

If you guys end up in friendly contact in the future, maybe you could suggest a dietary change. I have been on a very strict all-organic, sugar-free, gluten-free diet that has almost eliminated my depression over the last few months. You'd be surprised what nasty chemicals can do to your body and mind. Some of us-- especially those with highly sensitive nervous systems-- aren't built to handle processed foods, high pesticide loads of conventional crops, or the hormones and antibiotics contained in most meats.

Thanks Ekelly I'll keep that in mind and yes as you said the relationship was positive and healthy in everyway it was the depression that destroyed it.

I'm excited for my future though and to see what happens if she comes back or not. I'm going with not as it's the only option i have to me. Just got back from my first gym session in a long time, it's amazing how a good workout can make you feel tons better.

Hi Craig,

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I always thought that, as hard as it is to hear that someone has lost their feelings for you, or met someone else, or never really cared, it's not as bad as when it's down to something unrelated to the two of you as a couple, like a depression, wanting very different things, actual fear of commitment, etc. While the first is a kick to your ego, it seems easier to process than having to deal with something that, if it just wasn't there, could mean you'd have the perfect relationship.

My mum was depressed for a while. She lost her husband (my dad) while she was pregnant with me and spent a lot of her life on crappy jobs to make ends meet. At some point she was fired from a job (in a company owned by her brother, incidentally) and she just couldn't cope - alone, with a kid, no income. I was finishing school at the time and she used to be lying on the couch when I left, and was still there when I got back. She hadn't even eaten. I took on most of the housework because she literally couldn't move. She later told me that she wishes she hadn't been such a burden on me.

I think that's how people feel in this situation, like a lump, a weight on someone's shoulders. And I completely understand that you want to be there for them when you care about them (I absolutely did) but it -is- a burden. It's really hard to have a relationship with someone dysfunctional. A lot of people stick it out with their depressed, alcoholic, drug addict partners (or family, because they're family), usually because they've been with them for years and they feel very invested, or they've developed a codependent relationship, which actually ends up not helping them.

You're upset because you want to help her get through it and she's not letting you in. I find it interesting how sometimes we see our relationship in relation to us only. You're obviously a kind, caring person, and it seems natural to you to be there for her when she needs support. But she knows that she can't take care of herself right now, let alone you. She can't put the relationship first because she really needs to focus on herself. If this is what she needs, you need to respect that - you're not being uncaring, quite the opposite actually. It feels like **** because you don't want that, you want to stay together, but pushing it means you're putting your needs and wants above hers, and they're opposite needs and wants right now. People resent that. Think of it like this - you want to stay together and help her through it, she does not; the pain you're feeling when you hear her say she wants out, is the same pain she will feel when you tell her you want to make things work and be there for her. And as much as it might be hard for you to understand her reasoning for wanting to leave, it's probably as hard for her to understand yours for wanting to carry this burden.

Fortunately for you, it's been 7 months. I know you felt an incredible connection and I think this is what's hurting you the most - the idea that if she wasn't depressed, you two would live happily ever after. But you need to remember that the depression is part of who she is right now, and might even be a recurrent thing. Could you imagine being in a relationship where, every time she seems down, or tired, you start worrying that she's getting depressed again and she might leave? That takes a toll, and I know that right now you'd be cool with that in a heartbeat, but you need to consider the possibility that finding someone healthy, who shares the same values and wants have a lasting relationship with you will also make your life infinitely easier.

As long as you've urged her to seek help and she knows she can get in touch with you if she needs support, you can rest assured that you're doing the best for her. She might get better and come back. You might find someone else who makes you feel that good. But now, yes, it's time to take care of yourself. Keep going

It's one of them things where unless you have experienced it you cannot understand. It really does control you and it's so hard to see anyway out in a pitch black tunnel.

Thanks for your support guys. I kind of had a revelation last night where i saw the bigger picture and how it was the right thing for her to end it.

Like you said Piscara i thought of what the future would of looked like with her and to be honest i was the only thing keeping her in this location. The majority of her family and support system is 4 hours away.

She moved up her with her mum and new stepdad which started off fine but now the stepdad and the mum don't get on at all and her mum's the type of person to not show feelings and is hard to talk to about things as she will just say cheer up etc which doesn't help a depressed person.

She's trapped working 7 days a week n now that she is free from me she can move back down home with her family and start her life again with a new job hopefully being a chef cause that want she's loved doing but has given up on it.

All in all she needs to find her way and staying with me would of just added to the trapment. I hope she follows her dreams in time and figures out her way. That's up to her to figure out and we've left it in such a nice way and know I have such a greater understanding of her situation.

I'm at the time of my life where i want to build a future with someone and your right staying with her would of lead to lots of ups and downs and walking on eggshells trying to keep her out of the depressive state that drove her apart.

Thanks all.