I don't know how to do this...

So some of you may have seen a couple of my posts in 'getting back together' having read every single blog online about anything remotely similar to my situation, which came out of the blue, I've now come to terms with the fact that our relationship is over... and I now feel almost more upset. I still have people telling me 'there's still hope' 'have faith in what you had' etc etc, and I now can't talk to them because no amount of positive thought or faith is going to get me back together with him. So here I am, I'm on the healing thread, rather than getting back together because the latter quite simply isn't going to happen

So now the realisation has sunk in, I'm terrified of how I'm feeling - I have quite simply NEVER felt this low!! I KNOW I need to get on make plans etc, but every time I think of plans I think of the plans I'd made with him. I've tried 'thought stopping techniques', I've tried to 'rise above it', I've signed myself up to a new class.... yesterday one of my colleagues who is in a very new relationship which is moving very quickly was going away after work with her new boyfriend for the weekend, this set me off thinking I should be doing that with 'mine'... but no chance............ EVER!! I'm feeling jealous of her, and my other colleagues for having their loves to go home to and do things together with. I don't have mine anymore. And this time three weeks ago I didn't know this was going to happen............ he clearly changed his mind, and removed himself from this relationship whilst I was still an active participant. Even though the both of us were telling each other we loved each other up until the break up. I want to talk to him but know that I can't and that it wouldn't change anything. I don't think I'll ever be strong enough to see or speak to him now or if the opportunity came up in the future. No amount of time or keeping busy or positive thought will change the fact that I love him, that he was so good to me throughout our relationship. I'll never be strong enough to hear his reasons for ending it, especially as it was the age old 'it's not you, it's me' and 'commitment' etc... he has chosen to do this and I can't change that. Much as I want to. If you love someone enough you work through it, that said, I didn't give him a very good opportunity to talk to me when he tried and he didn't give me the opportunity to when I tried. I don't know what happened and I know I don't want anyone else.

This set me off, I sobbed all the way home, I sobbed all night last night, and have sobbed this morning. I go in to work everyday because I know I should (and I know he is) but I'm numb, I can hardly do anything. Last night some idiot shouted and swore at me in the street due to HIM blocking the road, I was already highly emotional and that was the final straw! I just wanted to go home and end it all. Somehow, I'm not sure I didn't.

Today I'm in work and though I have friends telling me they're available to do things tonight, tomorrow and Sunday I don't want to - I just want to end it all. I don't want Christmas, I don't want anything, because none of it includes him or the plans we had. Ending it means not thinking about those anymore - it's a closed book. I feel sick. I just don't see how any words, any positive actions I make for myself or anything is going to make this better.

I knew he was the one and not in a cosmic/film way, in the way that we genuinely got on (I thought!), we loved each others families (I thought!) we spoke about the future together (I thought!) we were just it. and I know it, yet he's chosen it to be over, which only demonstrates to me that the whole thing MUST have been in my head.

There is just nothing I can do to make this stop. Help

Have you written all of your feelings/thoughts about this down? Maybe as if you were writing a letter you were going to give him? That has helped me.

I started to do that, and then I just got too upset and stopped. Problem is, no amount of anything like that is going to help me.... and I know this negative thinking is going to help me less, but I've accepted he won't come back. I can see what may have been my downfall in the relationship...... unconsciously pressuring him even though he assured me he didn't feel that way. Just the real hurt now comes realising that the person I thought I was in a relationship with and wanted a future with me, clearly didn't, and doesn't.......... and I don't know what to do not to want him or to get closure. He treated me impeccably and I feel like I've only got myself to blame because he wasn't in the stage I am in life, even though he's much older than me, he's 38. I need to get things back to him and I know that's coming to come as another blow as I don't know how to return these things.

I can't work because I'm either a zombie numb to it, not enjoying the work, posting on hear, searching the internet for blogs and articles about 'commitment phobes' and things...... I've stopped the 'he's just got to come back' because you know what, no, he doesn't. He didn't want to be with me, and like I said, he was probably feeling this a lot longer than I realised. That hurts so much to admit. I know he wasn't ready for the things I was but I continued to moan which unconciously pushed him away. When he asked for space, I gave it to him, but the way I handled that appears to be wrong too as I didn't see him when he asked, and wasn't in touch as I used to. It's almost like the spark fizzled out, but it was due to a series of miscommunications on space/time. He can just get on, this is his choice, he won't be hurting, and if he is, he'll be hurting because for him he's sad another relationship has ended, not because I've gone. And who's to say he's even sad. He's probably got loads of plans, loving not having me to think about or include in things as he once told me he loved about us. He wanted me with him all the time. I feel like a mug for believing him.

I don't ever want to open myself up to this ever again. I let my guard down with him because I truly felt he was it, yet here I am.

I just don't want to be here anymore. I can see why he wouldn't want to be with me and why should he come back. I know he won't. Just I can't stand the thought of this happening again. and that he goes on regardless. And it's so easy for him

My God, I could have written all of that. Exactly the same thing, exactly the same emotions and feelings you are going through. Exactly the same reaction to work, googling things and being on the forum. 100% the same.

All I can say - accept those invites from friends, you dont want to go (compoletely normal feeling in this case), but you will feel better afterwards. I have been there. Force yourself not to be alone. This is the only way - keep busy. And you need time.

Download headspace app on your phone and try to meditate for 10min every day. This helped me a little.

Stay strong.

Staypositive1 - can I ask what your story is, or have you posted on here for me to read?

I've downloaded the app, thank you for the tip!

It is in the b/u section. I tried pasting a link...let me know if it works

Wow!! So similar!!

Pains me to see you're so far down the line of NC, knowing I've only really just started it.

I really see no hope, not now, and not where you're at.

In my case, I really think he was fobbing me off when he ended it, and felt this way for some time. You don't just end it over night.

Never will I EVER allow myself to love again!

I don't know how I get past the wondering what he's doing, speculating etc etc. It's all too much. He kept himself occupied and surrounded by friends the weekend after he split up with me, so I know he can easily do the same. Why can't I!? And how can he just switch me off... but then I guess if he was feeling this way a while, he's detached himself long before in preparation. I can't take this, I'm feeling like things are falling in to place about things and it's makeing me worse.

DaisyHope,

Another thing that helped me was councelling. I still do it once a week.

Reflexology and accupuncture have helped me sleep.

It will be extremely hard for the first months. You must stay strong and do NOT be alone.

He may as well not have switched you off. He maybe is staying away because he knows how much he hurt you and doesnt want to hurt you even more. Give him and yourself time and stay busy!

DaisyHope,

You must stay strong and do NOT be alone.

I have people offering to see me and things, or I could go home, but each option makes me think 'I want to be with him' OR I'd wind up getting really upset anyway and then that impacts on other people rather than just on myself if I'm on my own....Plus I've got all this fog going on in my head with him and can't actually decide WHAT plan, if any to do for the best.

I've signed up to yoga next week... other than that money dictates I can't do an awful lot, and even that yoga is on an intro offer so I'll probably struggle when it comes to paying for full membership.

>>No amount of time or keeping busy or positive thought will change the fact that I love him,

>>Problem is, no amount of anything like that is going to help me..

The thing is that just isn't true. If FEELS like it right now, but people can and do recover from break ups every day, and in fact most people have quite a few break ups before they ultimately go off and find the person they will marry, and they are JUST FINE and hardly even think about people they've dated before and even forget their names!

You are wallowing in a sea of pain right now, in the same way someone has intense pain right after they break a leg or have surgery or any other painful experience. But you WILL heal and you won't feel this way forever, but you will for a while.

And you really need to fight the negative thoughts such as 'i'm never going to feel better' or 'i'll never love again' because frankly they are just not true... very dramatic, but not true!

I suggest if you genuinely don't know how to cope, the best way to deal with it is to get some counseling to learn emotional skills to get past this. The negativity you are bashing yourself with now is similar to someone with a broken leg screaming 'my leg is never going to heal and i'll never walk again' while bashing their leg with a 2x4. You won't heal unless you really stop adding all the cosmic 'i'll never love again' drama on top of the break up. Of course you'll love again. You're just in pain right now and need to keep busy and give yourself a break and let some time pass and you will heal. But you'll make it much harder on yourself if you don't stop that negative catastrophizing 'i'll never love again' loop you're in. That is a self inflicted wound and you need to stop yourself from going down that path mentally.

btw, you say he was much older than you. Are you late teens or early 20's? There is a good chance you hooked up with an older man who has learned all the right things to say/do to manipulate young girls, but he bores easily and wants a string of young girls rather than really committing to anybody. Some of them are just the worst, where they really lay on the romance and promises to get younger women to drop their drawers and get excited about them, but then they bolt as quickly as they arrived and their words just were never sincere. So this guy may well not be the shining perfect light you thought he was.

What was his romantic history before you? People are usually pretty persistent, so if he did a dump and run at 38, he's probably done them many many times before.

btw, right now it might make more sense to use your money to pay for some counseling rather than yoga if you have limited funds. Shop around for a sliding scale (what you can afford to pay) or no cost therapist at a university. Yoga is relaxing and calming, but you sound like you are in crisis so i would suggest your first task is to find a therapist to get some immediate relief.

Do not worry about what others will think and how they will be impacted by your mood. If they are friends/family, they will understand. And I promise you, you will feel better when you have people around. You will drive yourself mad if you stay alone.

Good that you found smth on offer. Groupon has become my best friend during the last few months.

Hang in there, you will feel better but only with time. go to the gym/run in the park. It will help you a bit more as well.

I dont know where you work, but in my company they have a special service/number for distressed employees. It is basically phone councelling provided by the company. Ask your HR if you have smth similar. it is free and could be helpful.

If you do not like your job, force yourself to look for a new one. I have been doing that and it helps you to keep your mind busy. i am actually even trying to move to a different country (a little extreme, but nothing is holding me back here and I could use a change).

i also bought a GMAT book and am stucying towards the exam and trying my luck i applying to TOP MBA programmes (and scolarships). it keeps me super busy! I go to business school events - there are a lot of interesting people there and it keeps me busy.

btw, you say he was much older than you. Are you late teens or early 20's? There is a good chance you hooked up with an older man who has learned all the right things to say/do to manipulate young girls, but he bores easily and wants a string of young girls rather than really committing to anybody. Some of them are just the worst, where they really lay on the romance and promises to get younger women to drop their drawers and get excited about them, but then they bolt as quickly as they arrived and their words just were never sincere. So this guy may well not be the shining perfect light you thought he was.

 

What was his romantic history before you? People are usually pretty persistent, so if he did a dump and run at 38, he's probably done them many many times before.

I'm early 30s and yes, he's 38. And yes, having been on this site and posting on the getting back together and responses on that and blogs online, I started looking at his previous relationships and yes they're all short term, apart from one where it was on and off in his teens/mid twenties, but it's always when it comes to the crunch of commitment that he dumps. So yes, it's a serial commitment phobe or not having met the right person - even though he told me I was the one and other words to that effect that as you say are cosmic/film type lines, I clearly wasn't the one as I am just another ex to chuck on the pile when he got scared about committing properly.

^^

Well good, that should tell you something. And don't frame him as a poor rabbit who can't help himself where commitment scares him, frame him as a stunted guy who prefers to hop from woman to woman whenever he gets bored. He is probably JUST FINE with the way he lives his life and enjoys variety and stimulation and values that more than settling down.

Guys who leap in quickly and make ridiculous promises and schlocky romantic film lines in the beginning usually leap out just as quickly. They are hit and run specialists who've learned how to get you to drop your drawers quickly so they can get right to the goodies and fun, but as soon as they spot someone new that sparks their interest, off they go again. This guy was no Prince Charming, he was a hit and run specialist. So definitely not your dream guy or he's have stuck around.

So please try to rein in all the 'i'll never love again' stuff. Of course you will! You're like a junkie hooked on the romance of it all right now that he was feeding you like a drug, and you just need time for it to get out of your system and for you to get your wits about you again. That doesn't happen overnight so you need to be patient and it will happen.

Your honesty, though blunt and hard to read and compute does help.

Just need to convince myself and come to terms with what you said.

Hate thinking he's totally fine with it, and yes I had given thought to him going off and being able to easily do it to another girl, just hurts thinking of him being with someone else even if it MIGHT end up the same way as me.

This is a hideous vicious circle.

I have belongings of his - how do I return them?

Do you have joint friends or know where his family is? You can drop it off with them.

Or box it up and mail it off.

Or leave it on his doorstep at a time you know he won't be home.

My ex has my things still...actually quite a few. I was also thinking how to get them back, but I will wait a little until I feel stronger and then contact him. I do not feel prepared to face him yet. So I will wait.

In your case, ether just post them or wait till you feel stronger. In the meantime put them away in a box so they are out of your sight.

and hear comes the 'hope' and 'faith' again........... what if I actually WAS different!? I do have this overwhelming feeling I was. What happens if I should have fought harder for this? He was apparently a wreck after he did it (a friend told me who gains nothing in making it up!) but then I suppose he's still done it, and hasn't changed his mind since he was a 'wreck'. Everyone I know is saying I shouldn't be negative about it, that chances are split and he may well come back and who's to say they're wrong? It can happen.

Look, nobody has a crystal ball here. Of course he could come back. Or he could come back and do it again and again. Or you could impregnate another girl this week and marry her.

You can't predict the outcome here. And as for 'fighting for it,' what does that mean? He's the one who left and didn't want to play anymore so that puts you in a defensive position and you frankly can't force someone else to be in a relationship with you.

You have to do what feels right for you. But recognize that magical thinking won't bring him back. And that he has your number and KNOWS you want him back, so any second of the day he could contact you and tell you that. But he doesn't.

So unless he makes that overture, you have to go about your business and heal.

Also keep in mind that friends frequently tell you what you want to hear because they don't want you crying in their lap yet again wailing how you can't live without him. So they tell you anything to try to snap you out of it and get you out of their laps.

So yes, it can happen. And no, no one knows for sure. But you need to focus on YOU because RIGHT NOW and TODAY he is not telling you he wants to try again. If he tells you that then good you can try again, but if he's nowhere to be found, you need to adjust to that reality that you have no control over him and need to take care of yourself and heal and move on rather than martyr yourself for him.

I agree with Supernova. he may come back, but HE needs to want it. And you cannot sit around miserable. You need to move on and deal with it if it happens.

I'm trying not to sit around miserable. Sometimes I just can't help but feel that way - yes it's still early days, and yes part of it is me needing to tune my brain away from him and this situation and in time that will happen, just that I can't seem to help myself.

I know what I need to do for myself, it just seems impossible. I've not even eaten solids for a week and I KNOW that can't be helping!! I've been taking protein drink I was recommended in the pharmacy because I just can't eat.

Time passing is really the only thing that will help you

There is no shortcut to healing from a broken heart

You will go through some absolutely awful times. But you will heal and come out whole at the other end of this.

Staying active is just a way to help you displace the grief for a time. You'll still have it for some time to come. I'm 6'5" and weigh 240. After my divorce I went down to 170 because I didn't want to eat because of depression. But here I am years later happy and in a healthy relationship.

You'll get there, but there's no miracle. It takes time , sometimes a lot of time to heal

This is a fresh break up and No, nothing makes sense.

You will spend many hours going over it in your head for the next few weeks. We understand... you're broken and all that's happening with you is normal.

You will go thru many emotions for the next few months. The sadness, lonliness, denial, confusion, etc.

Eventually acceptance will come about as you work on healing.

It is all a process. Hard as **** but it's normal.. and it's okay to feel this low and the pain's involved.

Breaking up is never easy...

It's a change in Life that really sets you back and takes months usually to re-arrange your mind & heart. But.. it will get better.. in time.

One day at a time.

What you need to do is start thinking of YOU more now. It's okay to vent.. to cry etc.

You're not alone. tc