Is ignoring your ex and going NC a negative way to handle things?

Just thought that maybe talking nicely and letting go of anger then keeping it LC might work better. When someone you have had a LT relationship suddenly becomes your enemy is quite negative. Ignoring and going NC 100% can be a bit drastic. In some cases when someone leaves you and treats you badly i do think NC is the only way to go.

What would you do if they died? How would you keep "LC" then?

Nope.. LC isn't going to do anything for you to get to that blissful stage of "indifference" to them. You can "let go of anger" without keeping in contact with them... you just silently forgive them, forgive yourself and you move on with your life without them in it.

What would you do if they died? How would you keep "LC" then?

 

Nope.. LC isn't going to do anything for you to get to that blissful stage of "indifference" to them. You can "let go of anger" without keeping in contact with them... you just silently forgive them, forgive yourself and you move on with your life without them in it.

I understand, but what if it was a mutual breakup?? no hard feelings? what if the other person did nothing wrong and was dumped and the roles are switched ??

That's pretty true actually.. Either way, whatever helps you best to get over him and move on with your life.. It's all up to you, but sounds like a good way to go about things especially if it was quite long term. I still had contact with my ex up to a year after we broke up, but I felt like it held me back and I still had those feelings lingering and since I still had contact I felt I hadn't fully moved on.. I deleted his number, and haven't talked to him since Christmas last year.. I do want to speak to him again, maybe in the future but not now.. I've only JUST gotten over him completely.

That's pretty true actually.. Either way, whatever helps you best to get over him and move on with your life.. It's all up to you, but sounds like a good way to go about things especially if it was quite long term. I still had contact with my ex up to a year after we broke up, but I felt like it held me back and I still had those feelings lingering and since I still had contact I felt I hadn't fully moved on.. I deleted his number, and haven't talked to him since Christmas last year.. I do want to speak to him again, maybe in the future but not now.. I've only JUST gotten over him completely.

Good for you !! keep it up

While being LC can be deceiving at least its better than being a dumpee and having the dumper going NC on you.

No it isn't. No contact no matter who you (the general you) were in the equation helps with getting to that blissful stage of indifference. Even the dumper has residual emotions they have to deal with and zero contact is the quickest way to move on. It's even more important to go NC if you are the dumpee... little crumbs of nothingness and being demoted from lover to platonic buddy does nothing for one's self-esteem or ability to get to that stage of indifference to them that I've mentioned.

JMNSHO.

No offense mg, but I think you're looking for an excuse to get back in contact, otherwise you wouldn't be giving this a second thought. I think you would have little to gain and much more to lose, as well as setting yourself back to square one.

I apologize if I'm off base...

99.999%of the time NC is the best way to recover from a break up.

No offense mg, but I think you're looking for an excuse to get back in contact, otherwise you wouldn't be giving this a second thought. I think you would have little to gain and much more to lose, as well as setting yourself back to square one.

 

I apologize if I'm off base...

I have no intentions of breaking NC. I dont want my ex back. I just thought about this last night because i see many people unlike my ex ( NARCISSISTS) that may have a negative impact on going NC. Some people (normal) may deserve a second change.

I have no intentions of breaking NC. I dont want my ex back. I just thought about this last night because i see many people unlike my ex ( NARCISSISTS) that may have a negative impact on going NC. Some people (normal) may deserve a second change.

At some point there is not much more you can say. Do you remember the pleading "stage?" What else can you possibly say to a person that has no intentions of being a part of your life at this point? That's where I'm catching myself right now. Everything that I could say and do has been done. What more can I say/do at this point? She knows how to reach me, and if she wants to, she will. NC is for you, and you only. It might even help the other person as well.

I'm on NC, the same thing, for me. Keeping contact was just killing me softly On the other hand, my dumper keeps contacting me. It's like he doesn't understands NC

He wrote me something including ' i think you still don't want contact, which i understand'

Well clearly you don't dummie

Well clearly you don't dummie

Made me lol.

How about blocking and deleting him?

I find the NC thing to be the cruelest thing someone has ever done to me. It brings back horrid memories of my time in the military and having buddies just disappear forever.

Just thought that maybe talking nicely and letting go of anger then keeping it LC might work better. When someone you have had a LT relationship suddenly becomes your enemy is quite negative. Ignoring and going NC 100% can be a bit drastic. In some cases when someone leaves you and treats you badly i do think NC is the only way to go.

NC is no more drastic than the decision "they" have already made in ending the relationship in the first place (assuming "they" are the dumper). Neither does NC have to be done in a negative way that turns an ex into your enemy, as it wasn't with my ex. We ended on mutual terms and both knew, discussed and accepted that it was better for both of us to have as little contact as possible.

It's up to you how quickly you do or don't want to move on.

While being LC can be deceiving at least its better than being a dumpee and having the dumper going NC on you.

That depends upon your POV. In a year or so's time you could be wishing they had just left you alone from the very beginning because not only has their presence in your life stopped you from moving on properly you are also privy to the fact that they have totally moved on and are now with someone else.

Too much information can cause pain. Silence is golden.

I have no intentions of breaking NC. I dont want my ex back. I just thought about this last night because i see many people unlike my ex ( NARCISSISTS) that may have a negative impact on going NC. Some people (normal) may deserve a second change.

I really don't see how NC can have a negative impact .... at least not in the long run anyway which is what you need to focus on. Hanging on by having LC is much more likely to have a negative impact overall.

If someone wants a second chance then they will go all out to get it. Until they have done that you may as well give yourself the best chance to move on instead of hanging on hoping for a second chance ... which is what WILL be happening if a dumpee decides on LC. That just ends up giving false hope.

Someone who wants a second chance will do much more than send random texts that are likely to go unanswered.

I find the NC thing to be the cruelest thing someone has ever done to me. It brings back horrid memories of my time in the military and having buddies just disappear forever.

YEt one of the cruelest things to happen to me was to be strung along for a stupid amount of a time by an ex who kept up contact. It led me false hope and confused the hell out of me. It was a rollercoaster of mixed emotions that totally messed with my head. I only really moved on when I cut him out of my life. Had he cut all ties with me in the first place I would probably have moved on a lot quicker because I would have had no choice.

There is no right or wrong way to do things. There is no good way to end a relationship. Whatever happens we will always hurt.

YEt one of the cruelest things to happen to me was to be strung along for a stupid amount of a time by an ex who kept up contact. It led me false hope and confused the hell out of me. It was a rollercoaster of mixed emotions that totally messed with my head. I only really moved on when I cut him out of my life. Had he cut all ties with me in the first place I would probably have moved on a lot quicker because I would have had no choice.

 

There is no right or wrong way to do things. There is no good way to end a relationship. Whatever happens we will always hurt.

I tend to disagree. The whole NC is a modernist construction that has no basis in reality or in polite behavior.

Years and years ago NC absolutely would have been polite behavior, as it stays within boundaries and avoids being more familiar than appropriate.

This idea that we keep everyone attached to us in perpetuity is more modern than NC. In a way, NC acknowledges the level of intimacy that exists. With exes with whom I had a truly intimate connection, NC is much easier for me. Not because either one of us wants the other, but because I am instantly seeing right into their souls, and that sort of intimacy is no longer appropriate.

Just thought that maybe talking nicely and letting go of anger then keeping it LC might work better. When someone you have had a LT relationship suddenly becomes your enemy is quite negative. Ignoring and going NC 100% can be a bit drastic. In some cases when someone leaves you and treats you badly i do think NC is the only way to go.

NC generally doesn't have anything at all to do with viewing your ex as an "enemy." It's more that keeping contact prolongs the grieving, puts the dumper in the position where they often say things to try and make the dumpee feel better that gives false hope, and also gives the dumper support and a gradual "weaning process" where they honestly don't get a chance to miss the dumpee (while keeping the poor dumpee at their beck and call unintentionally and emotionally invested). It can also make for some very awkward non-relationship situations, where both are trying to avoid certain topics or situations to avoid pain, avoiding showing anything that they consider inappropriate, like jealousy - but it doesn't stop them FEELING it.

Overall, it can be VERY stressful to try and maintain contact for both sides. While it seems it would be "rude" or "antagonistic" to go NC - it's usually just the opposite - it's respecting space and allowing room for grief and time to get past the initial loss without unnecessary complications and reminders. LC seems, on paper, to be awesome - but for many, it's downright masochistic, like pouring salt on one's wounds or ripping the bandaid off a cut.

I'm adding this link to a recent post from someone who had contact - does it sound like this is a better solution?

We don't say to avoid contact to be mean. And most don't even advocate cutting someone off without saying why. But honestly, submitting the dumper to feeling guilty whenever they see you, or if you're the dumpee, being reminded of what you DON'T have - it's not gentler. It's not easier. It's just existing in limbo until the dumper gets to the point they can't handle feeling guilty any more, doesn't have any more platitudes to mouth and starts getting annoyed, and says so. At which point they will avoid the dumpee anyway.

Take a look through all the posts (and there are tons) of people who have tried to go LC, or be friends. And their tormented words because they agreed to the contact and are going through torment, and don't know what to do, or how to handle the windows they're getting into their exes lives.

I tend to disagree. The whole NC is a modernist construction that has no basis in reality or in polite behavior.

I do agree that if someone does a disappearing act on you before you've even had the chance to process the fact that they've ended a relationship, it can seem rather cruel … but, usually, when a relationship comes to an end, there is a breaking-up period where there will inevitably be some contact whilst both parties are learning to accept the situation. However, I do believe that if someone wants to move on from you they have the right to do so and you have an obligation to set them free. There is no point in hanging on to them and there is no point in expecting anything from them. There doesn't have to be anything impolite or cruel with NC if it is something you have discussed before hand as being the best way forwards. If it really is what the other party wants, the politest thing you can then do is to respect their wishes. Hanging on to them because you think they owe you won't do either of you any good and will result in them ignoring you but, at that point, you can't always blame them. They need to get their message accross and the last thing a dumper wants is to send out false hope or mixed messages by constantly replying …. and there must come a time when they get bored of trying to placate someone.

ThatwasTHen: I did, blocked and deleted him from everything. But he only contacts me in non-direct ways ( where i don't really need to answer, such as card, letter,..) .. and I'm still curious (4 months NC from me)

And for the NC rule, I agree with what people say. The harm is allready done when they choose to break-up. It's what the dumper needs, so i only think it's fair for the dumpee to take this selfish act of no contact. Contact will only prolong the grieving and ideed, (false) hope.

As I said, I told my dumper that I didn't want contact anymore cos it wasn't going anywhere. And making me very confused.

Every now and then, every time when I'm feeling a little bit better. I get something, even big crumbs (you're still the one blablabla)

When you choose to dump, but not to reconcile, you should set the dumpee free. It's just a consequence of dumping. My dumper is being selfish and stringing me along. It makes me very confused EVERY time, cos well I sure wouldn't have broken up. I understand that NC can be hard for the dumper too, but then again, dumpees aren't the ones who are breaking hearts

( in my case, when the dumpee is an ass who didn't treat you right, it's a different story)

When you choose to dump, but not to reconcile, you should set the dumpee free. It's just a consequence of dumping. My dumper is being selfish and stringing me along.

This sums it up perfectly! The dumpee has a right to be set free too.