Getting back to form, my journey blog.

So I’ve seen a few people do this sort of thing and since I come to ENA mostly just to rant and ramble I thought I’d try one myself. I was going to spare people and write it all in a little notebook just for myself, but there’s a sort of comfort in knowing people are reading. Anyone else is welcome to post their journey's here too

I’m not sure where to start, but don’t worry I won’t start off at the beginning I’m sure most regular users will know my back story. If not you can always go back and see for yourself!

I’ll start off from last Wednesday as this is the day my true healing began. I was getting so stressed being tossed back and forth by my ex that I finally told him goodbye. He tried to convince me to continue to be friends. Before I have given in but I told him that if wanted me around so bad then I was going to need more then what we had, I was going to need to be more then friends or he’d have to leave me alone. He decided to leave me alone. It was heart breaking, but at least I really know now. There’s no going back for us.

Fast forward two days and his friend (who is a girl) is visiting for the weekend. This got me down a lot. I’m talking sinking right to the bottom. I spent the entire weekend getting absolutely unnecessarily drunk and high just to take my mind off it all. I went to town and no more than 5 minutes in I ran into him and this ‘friend’ and my stomach just knotted and for about an hour I just felt sick. So I invited around one of my best friends, the only friend who really understands what I’m going through, the only friend who can really cheer my up right now. We got ridiculously high and though others may judge, I had a really good night. I laughed so hard and so much, I laughed like I haven’t laughed in a really long time even before the break up. Me and my friend were talking though, talking about my ex, maybe it was just my being paranoid but I could tell she was bored of it all now (either that or she was too high to concentrate!) and so I realised… I’ve been talking about this for THREE MONTHS and it’s always the same stuff, I realised that not only are my friends tired of hearing of it but I’m tired of talking about it. Revolution! Hallelujah.

People have always told me that my ex was punching above his weight with me and yes I have always agreed. Harsh as that sounds my ex isn’t a looker, and it took a very long time for me to be attracted to him and in the end it was all down to his radiant personality. However, I realise that I fell in love with the naïve 18 year old virgin, my best friend who had such a crush on me for such a long time he treated me like I was his whole world when I finally decided to go out with him. He’s not that person anymore, University, drugs and cynical friends have changed that person I cared for, he’s now the opposite and all I’m hanging onto is what we once had. As he gradually changed into this person it gradually changed me, the more he become less of that person I fell for the more I become less of the person he fell for and so begins the vicious circle. The less attention he gave me, the more attention I craved, the more he treated me badly the more I longed to keep him happy and so it broke me. It broke my own happiness. It broke my confidence. It broke my sanity.

He just can’t be happy anymore, he purposely spirals downwards and I find that so sad. But it is always someone else’s fault, never his own. He just blames everyone else for his bad actions.

Though I am still incredibly sad and I continuously think of him I have started to realise I think I don’t actually miss him, I just think I miss companionship.

I realise that the break up was really for the best. Now I can work on being myself again, the person I lost in a relationship that was always so doomed anyway.

Seven days into NC and I plan on not turning back again, I will complete my healing.

I am really beginning to except this and hope that soon I will have one less thing keeping me down.

People in "real life" don't like too many sob stories and sometimes people on messageboards don't like them either. My attitude is that if I'm really busy, I don't read all posts and if one is too long, I just page down. Anyway, sometimes writing it down helps get it out of your system.

You will have your good days and bad days but you have accepted the situation and have made a good start to the recovery process. I am rather busy but will "listen" when I can.

Take care and good luck.

People in "real life" don't like too many sob stories and sometimes people on messageboards don't like them either. My attitude is that if I'm really busy, I don't read all posts and if one is too long, I just page down. Anyway, sometimes writing it down helps get it out of your system.

 

You will have your good days and bad days but you have accepted the situation and have made a good start to the recovery process. I am rather busy but will "listen" when I can.

 

Take care and good luck.

Yeh this is really just for me. Like a dairy, I know many people won't read it and I'm not expecting any advice.

As you said, I just find it helpful to get it out somewhere, I often just read it back myself to remind myself of where I am at or on a bad day, I remind myself why I'm doing this.

Thanks for 'listening' anyway

Earlier I heard that Breaking Bad are making a season 6.

We spent 3 weekends getting through the 5 seasons cuddled up in bed together, laughing and talking about our favourite bits, getting remorseful together for some of the characters etc.. It made me generally miss him for a moment. That was the good side to him.

I wanted to tell him about the season 6 rumour, I wanted to know if he already knew. I came an inch from messaging him, but I stopped myself.

Although I want to heal and move on, I can't help but wonder sometimes if he will ever eventually reach out to me.

For the last couple of days I have noticed that he spends larger amounts of time off of Facebook then usual. I realise this is probably because he has started work now, but the fact that he is now working so much makes me kind of mad. If he is working, then he isn't wallowing in self pity thus not missing me thus he is not miserable. It's not fair. Why can't he get to feel at least a little bit of pain.

Great job not texting him! The longer you go without contact the stronger you will become.

Great job not texting him! The longer you go without contact the stronger you will become.

Thank you! It's hard though isn't it? I read your blog too, I totally understand where you are coming from... you spend so long communicating with this person everyday it's strange to just stop.

When something big happens for a split second I forget that we've broken up and I think I must text or call him about it! But then realise everything all over again. Sad

What we need to understand, and I say 'we' because you are not alone in this, is that these people knowingly chose to do this to us. While we never want to think of the people we have loved for so long as 'bad people', we never really knew them at all. I guess we were a bit naive and assumed everything was fine. However, on their side of things, they constantly battled destructive thoughts and chose to either lie, cheat, or hurt us on a regular basis. Then, when we think it is over, they reel us back in and begin the punching-bag routine all over again.

Have faith. I negotiated for so, so long before I finally realized that I have to let her go which is the hardest thing I have ever had to do (trust me). I have faith, somewhere, that things will workout with her, but honestly do I even want that? She has been such a witch for the longest time that I would be a fool to subject myself to that behavior again. The only comforting thought I find in working things out with her is the 'what if'. "What if" she finally, truly realizes her mistakes and apologizes. I could live with that, but unfortunately, it will more than likely never happen.

Best of luck to you! Keep on doing your thing. I would strongly suggest, however, steering clear of drugs and alcohol - especially drugs.

Recently i have been smoking a lot. (I am usually just a social smoker)

I'm not sure why, boredom mainly, but i have notice it does make me feel better. Today i had a rubbish day, i came home and had a smoke and it generally made me feel better, i even feel more awake. I decided this is not good. So am going backing to once in a while smoking!

Due to my day i am feeling desperately needy. I could use some cuddles right now!

This morning it was really hard to wake up and go to work. I really just didn't want to, I hate it here it's one of my problems. As always the first thing I did was check if he was online, don't know why I do it. Comfort of knowing he's likely not with some one else I think.

I had this really weird dream about doing a really big fat guy.

I could use some cuddles right now!

Get a kitty cat?

Get a kitty cat?

 

I wish I could! I Live in rented accommodation no pets allowed!

I have the most gorgeous cat, but I had to leave him with me parents haha.

 

Though my room mate says some ones had a cat there before, so I am debating just moving him in >

So lately I have been feeling so unmotivated. I can't be bothered to go out with friends, I still can't be bothered to cook, I can't get out of bed and I can't even be bothered to shower. I am scared about going to the doctors, last time they made me feel so small. I hate doctors.

I've lost quite a bit of weight now I've noticed, though haven't bothered to weigh myself. I don't see much difference but apparently other people do. This is probably due to my lack of appetite. I just don't feel hungry anymore and if I do I can't seem to eat as big of a portion as I use to too. Even my ex notice that a couple of weeks ago when he took me out for dinner (he's such a poo head)

Though I'm not complaining, I could of done with losing this weight. My only problem, my cloths / bras are now to big and I don't have the financials to buy so new ones! Which sucks cos I could really do with some retail therapy

Anyway, because I my rapid decline in funds, the fact that I hate my job and I can't stand my colleague, today I have taken it upon myself to look for new jobs! I'm trying not to aim too high as I am new to my career and only have about a years experience in it! But I'm sure I can do better with what I have now.

This afternoon in the space of two hours I have applied for 19 jobs. NINETEEN. I am desperate to get away from here!

... If I do not hear back from any, I am giving up... on life.

(Side note, I got a call from one 10 minutes after applying!) - Not sure if that's good though

Today I feel quite good

3 months gone today. Still can't believe it. 2 years wasted.

Actually I find that our relationship memories feel as if they are far off in the distance now. You know, like when you remember something from when you were really little but the memory is faded and fuzzy?

Just another day going by.

I'm thinking of throwing a party, and inviting all the people I know / we know but not him!

Just to be spiteful

Ok so I'm not going to throw a party and not invite him. He's prideful so it will just end up biting me in the face any way.

I did however have a few of my own friends around my house last night for a few drinks. It was fun, we didn't go to town and it was a really nice change. I saw that he went out last night and my instant thought was 'Oh I wish I had gone out.' But no, I'm glad I didn't. I would have ended up talking to him and it would have ended up ruining my night anyway.

After I went to bed early this morning. I had a sudden rush of loneliness. I still have it. I want to message him. I want his company. I want to be sexual with him.

Today I miss him.

I noticed that my posts are very scatty...

I here by declare from this post forward that my posts are now going to be descripted and articulate. It'll be more interesting to read then.

I like to write stories in my spare time so hopefully I can do a good job!

This blog is about my healing journey and so yes, I post many things about my break up and about my ex but I would also like to post about the other underlining issues I have and meeting resolutions to help not only the healing of my broken heart but the healing of my broken life.

This may be a long one.

One of my roommates Is quite a bit older then the rest of us, he is 36 years old to be exact. This roommate has the cutest 6 year old daughter I have ever met. She is tiny for her age, she has long mousey hair, big rosey cheeks and the widest smile. She is a delight. I spent the evening drawing, playing dolls, playing games and just general messing around with her. I loved every minute of it and so did she. She had gotten quite attached by the end of it all and even asked me to read stories to her at bedtime. It was all very heart warming, I love children. My one dream is to be a primary school teacher, alas I never have been able to peruse this due to bad choices with my educational paths. Anyway, I of course LOVED the idea of reading to her and so did. For hours! The girl so enjoyed every minute of it and so did I (Even got a goodnight kiss)

Of course there's a point to all this. Three months ago I suffered a miscarriage, it was quite an early miscarriage but it was disappointing and heart retching all the same. This week I would be something close to 25 weeks, I'd have a little bump and I'd know about my little girl or boy. I would of loved a boy.

I think about it everyday and being with that little girl and getting close to her just reminded me how I wanted my own baby, how much I wish things turned out differently for me. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong to deserve that to happen to me, how it's not fair that drug addicts or abusers or neglecters get to have their babies.

In the end I guess it might of worked out for the best. My relationship obviously wasn't stable and the father didn't want the baby in the first place. But I would of and could of done it on my own.

It just makes me so sad, I can't help but well up writing this. I can't help but think of the little (boy) I could be holding 3 months from now.

I wonder if he ever thinks about it sometimes too.

My colleagues daughter brought in her young son today too. I feel as if life is tormenting me.

People say there will be good days and bad days through the healing process. This is definitely a bad day, I feel down right low. Today is not a good day. Today I don't to be around any one but him. Today I am back to thinking I wish I had a Time machine or a Genie Lamp to go back and undo all the misery I've encountered these last five months.

Had a fun weekend with friends...

Last night me and my friends were meant to have a few beers and watch movies. Needless to say to all went South. We all ended up get horrendously drunk. It was fun, but I ended up doing something I vowed to never do! ... On the week I broke up with my EX boyfriend, I rebounded on a friend of a friend. It wasn't a great rebound sort of situation if you get my drift. Plus my friend of a friend is totally more into my friend, so I made a promise with myself not to let it happen again. BUT THEN, last night go every messy. I don't remember anything past 11'oclock and that's not even an exaggeration. Next thing I know I wake up to this friend of a friend. GREAT.

Not only do I have to go to work feeling hangover and sorry for myself... But I also feel like I need I need to have more sex. So who comes to mind? ... The ex boyfriend of course!

I am minutes away from messaging him, trying to keep myself away but then and the same time I'm thinking I feel I don't want him to forget me, But I want him to miss me and relaise he can't get anyone like me ect ect ect. But I also want more sex.

Decisions decisions.

I may have still be drunk this morning, hence the previous post. ^^^

I haven't messaged my EX, and I won't.

But I really want to.

Day 11 of no contact and I now have no real urges to contact him. I still check if he's online though and I still have some small hope that he'll reach out to me. When day 30 is over and done with, and he hasn't reached out to me. I might just delete him from my Facebook friends list.

We'll see.

Delete him now.

You'll feel better, promise

Everyday I feel more and more lonely. No matter if I surround myself with friends or keep myself busy.

Two of my house mates have began dating each other, which means I'm surrounded by smooching and giggling noises. I'm happy for them, one of this couple is my best friend and he really deserves to be all loved up. It just projects my suffering and torment. All day I have been clicking on and off my exes inbox thinking of asking him if he's free to hang out. I just know I'll regret it and feel so ashamed after doing so well with no contact.

sighsighsighsigh.