Getting back to form, my journey blog.

[deadmareish]

I reallllllly want to message him.

[panther]

I forbid you to do it.

[panther]

I assume you are talking about your ex. If it is your ex, yeah, you are forbidden to do it.

[deadmareish]

I assume you are talking about your ex. If it is your ex, yeah, you are forbidden to do it.

 

I was talking about my ex haha.

 

Don't worry I stayed strong! I didn't in the end, came seriously close to doing it, but I didn't

[deadmareish]

I don't know what it is, but the last few days have been horrendous. I've been constantly been thinking of the ex, I've been missing him and I want to see him. I've managed to keep a grasp on some control but I don't know how much longer it will last for.

I wonder what he is thinking. I wonder if he maybe feels the same. Though it is unlikely.

 

After all my 'revelations' I can't help but still want to be with him. Although I know NC is for healing process, and I do tend to use it for that purpose I kind of hope it will help him realise maybe he does miss me.

He has a day off today and it's going to take so much will power not to message him to meet with me.

I just don't want him to forget about me, which I fear is happening. I wonder if he'll ever decide to reach out. I get butterfly's every time I get a notification hoping it is him.

 

Day to day life is becoming so incredibly dull. I'm so fed up. For a while I've managed to keep some bad thoughts out of my head but now with even less to do, even less hope of ever seeming to be happy they're creeping back in.

 

There's just this emptiness in me and I can't seem to fill it. It's not filled being surrounded by friends, it's not filled from the emptiness of a bottle of wine or countless cigarettes. Last night I had the temptation to just walk on down to the beach and to keep walking until the cold sea rushed over my head. I cried myself to sleep and I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.

 

My job is the worse, and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to find another. My money situation is torrential. The only guy I ever want to be with is out of my life. My baby, the one thing that could complete my life, was lost to me.

 

I feel a never ending circle of hopelessness. There's nothing to look forward to. There's no point to my life.

[deadmareish]

I failed again. I messaged him. This week has just been so awful and I feel like I need him. Now, we've arranged to meet up sometime next week... He said he'd get back to me when he knows his rota. I feel stupid. Now I've lost all respect gained from him and myself.

The thing is, that when I messaged him about meeting up yesterday in this weak moment, right after I thought "Oh geese, wish I didn't do that.' He messaged me back saying that actually he had plans but maybe we could do it another night. Because I felt so guilty I just said 'ok' hoping he was just trying to let me down easy and we wouldn't hear of it again. But he later messaged me asking when I was free next. I just tried to be none sealant, and he said he'd get back to me. Maybe that's the last I'll hear of it, because I am NOT going to be perusing this. I suppose if he does get back to me I could just decline...

 

The thing is, every time we meet up after I send him this big long message about how I can't be his friend or see him anymore. It's literally EVERYTIME. So, why does he keep agreeing to meeting me? I know it's probably about sex, but would you go through all that every time just for 5 minutes? This is why I get confused.

 

I have another plan though. It's to meet up with him, deny him sex, but sit him down instead. Tell him this is really it. No more friendship, no more meeting up, no more sex and no more me. Tell him the whole truth that I am not strong enough when it comes to him, that I can't have any more contact, tell him I'm deleting him off Facebook and out of my life, that if he wants it to be different then I'm going to need something from him. I have already told him this, but maybe face to face it will be different. Maybe in two weeks he's realised some stuff. Maybe I still have a chance.

 

(Ok I know I don't, but in the state I'm in I need some hope of something turning around and this is the only one that seems more likely right now.

[lavenderdove]

>>every time we meet up after I send him this big long message about how I can't be his friend or see him anymore. It's literally EVERYTIME.

 

Because you keep drawing a boundary with him then you violate your own boundary by contacting him or responding to contact from him . He's knows you're out there just aching to get back with him, so he knows he can treat you with a lack of respect because that is the way you treat yourself (i.e., you draw a boundary for yourself to get healthy, then you violate it EVERYTIME.

 

Why do you need to meet with him to tell him its over if you know you are weak and have trouble sticking to your own boundaries? Everything you said in that paragraph about meeting up with him, you can do in a final email that will help you stick to your resolve. Face to face isn't different, it's just you in denial about what your REAL goals are (to sleep with him again and try to entice him back).

 

If you REALLY want him out of your life, one email will do it, following by deleting all paths for him to contact you and sticking to no contact. If you want to continue this push/pull game and having hiim disrespect you because he knows you can't hold to your own boundaries, then continue to meet him.

 

If you want to stop feeling powerless and repeating the same old things that don't get you anywhere, then stop doing the same old things. Send him an email saying it's over, then delete him from all sources of contact with you. If you keep going back to an ex who is poison and never leads to a satisfactory relationship but just more of the same, then perhaps you should consider counseling to help give you support and tools for getting over him and letting go so that you can free yourself to find someone who really cares about you enough to be in a stable relationship with you.

[deadmareish]

I know, and every time I lose respect for myself and after messaging him I don't even feel happy about it. I feel guilty and shameful. I don't know, my ex was never good at face to face conduct, I remember when we started to break up, I travel 3 hours down to his university to talk it out with him with and I could tell it was harder for him to break it off right then and there seeing me (which is why he agreed to keep in it for a bit before we broke up) then it was when he broke up with me over text. Do you see what I mean? so rather then emailing him to be like - yeh you'll never see me again hope that's ok. If I say it to face, whether the response is good or bad, I'll have a better response that way, which is what I feel I need. I feel a down right explanation to why the hell why can't try the relationship again and ECTECTECT.

 

I feel with a real explanation and no excuses like 'I broke up with you for a different reason every time you mention it' and 'I just don't want to risk us getting in the way we did before' etc. I'll be able to move on.

I know my ex, and if he wanted nothing to do with me then he wouldn't, sex or not. it's happened before when we broke up, there is a reason he still wants me around and I know its not just sex, because he can get that another way, right? When I mention it, he never Denys he has feelings for me, he basically says it doesn't matter whether he does or not he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. Which is far enough. I say, fine to that. But I don't know. Like I said I NEED this hope.

 

Everything else sucks (read prior post to last) ... I feel like I need a project.

 

And please, don't tell me to get a hobby lol! I have tried. The only volunteer things in my town are in the day (which is when I work) Atm, I have no money to do any activities AND none of my friends do anything I can join in on (except free bingo twice a week. But I hate free bingo, you never win and its mindless bordem lol)

[deadmareish]

So it's been three days since I messaged him to meet up. Even though he seemed just as egar to meet up I haven't heard from him since. I mean, sure he probably just wants the sex... but where's the common curtsy? He could at least try to have maybe one conversation with me!

 

Should of learnt the lesson by now. The only person he will ever care about is himself.

[lavenderdove]

>>And please, don't tell me to get a hobby lol! I have tried.

 

What do you do for a living? Do you make really good money doing something you enjoy? Many young girls waste their 20s chasing young men rather than working on a getting a balanced life and a good career that gives them something else to think about rather than just chasing boys who treat them badly. They continue to exist in boring low paying jobs with no future then wonder why they're always dreaming about some boy rather than enjoying their lives and improving themselves.

 

There are all kinds of ways to go to school these days including getting all kinds of careers and degrees online in your spare time if you can't attend class. And lots of ways to pay for it.

 

So take this time while you're getting over this guy and healing and pour it into something USEFUL that will really improve your life and translate into something else to think about other than him, and into money and a good life and career.

 

This guy is a dry well. He'll take the free sex if you travel to see him and offer yourself on a platter to him, or at least he will until he finds some new girl he really likes then you won't hear from him at all. Don't waste your life chasing after recalcitrant men who don't even really want you and certainly don't respect you because you're so willing to throw yourself at them even though they've told you very clearly they're not interested in being your BF. Let this guy go, and turn this time of your life into something meaningful that will serve you well your whole life, such as an education that builds a solid foundation for a future with a man and family who do actually love you.

 

You'll be sorry that you wasted this time if you don't use it wisely. And trolling after some guy who's broken up with you and doesn't even bother to respond to you when you try to contact him is a BIG waste of time and heart.

[lavenderdove]

>>but where's the common curtsy? He could at least try to have maybe one conversation with me!

 

btw, re: this, he's already told you MANY times that he's not interested in a relationship. Why should he meet you yet one more time to rake over the same old ground that you've discussed many times before? You're just not getting this, he's not interested!

 

You may hear from him again next time he's horny and doesn't have a convenient hookup, but then he's merely using you as a dial up sex service and it still won't mean he's in a relationship with you.

 

You settle for crumbs and you starve to death. You're settling for random crumbs from him. And of course you're getting nowhere because he's made it clear that nowhere is the only place he's willing to go with you.

[deadmareish]

I have recently started my career in administration. It's a full time job the 9-5 deal, 37 hours a week.

It's not necessarily my dream job, but its one I can work with. I've never been one to chase boys around and I've always believed a relationship isn't everything. I palmed my ex off for years before finally getting with him. I used to be so cynical and just down right cold when it came to boys, relationships and love. Then he went and turned me into this -.-

 

I hate being like this. I wish I could turn back time, follow my instincts and just keep him as my love sick best friend.

[lavenderdove]

>>I wish I could turn back time,

 

But you can't. So look to the future and not the past. You can get a master's degree if you already have a bachelor's. Focus on anything that isn't about mooning around thinking of him, or trying to get him to see you, or fantasing about the future with him or raking over the past.

 

It is up to you to fix your own feelings and work thru this. You are not powerless at that, you are choosing to continue to try to get with him, talk to him, have your thoughts revolve around him rather than other things. Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to wean yourself off him.

[panther]

I have another plan though. It's to meet up with him, deny him sex, but sit him down instead. Tell him this is really it. No more friendship, no more meeting up, no more sex and no more me. Tell him the whole truth that I am not strong enough when it comes to him, that I can't have any more contact, tell him I'm deleting him off Facebook and out of my life, that if he wants it to be different then I'm going to need something from him. I have already told him this, but maybe face to face it will be different. Maybe in two weeks he's realised some stuff. Maybe I still have a chance.

 

You know this doesn't make much sense. Why would you meet up with him to tell him you can't have him in your life anymore?

What do you need from him in order to stay in contact with him?

If you aren't strong enough, you should cut him out of your life for good, and not keeping something in between total NC and having sex.

[deadmareish]

You know this doesn't make much sense. Why would you meet up with him to tell him you can't have him in your life anymore?

What do you need from him in order to stay in contact with him?

If you aren't strong enough, you should cut him out of your life for good, and not keeping something in between total NC and having sex.

 

I know

I was obviously just looking for an excuse. At any rate he did message me back, but I told him I changed my mind. Surprisingly he understood.

 

Back to the beginning I guess. lol

[panther]

You are not back at the beginnig. I haven't read all your posts here but I still see you are going forward with this.

[deadmareish]

So I've spent all day thinking about this... I think I'm going to take a bit of a hiatus from the site.

It's nothing personal, I just think that whining and moaning about my problems isn't necessarily helping me. I feel grateful that here it feels like I have people to talk to and thank you everyone for the kindness and support in my reluctant attempts at battling these thoughts of my ex and other life problems.

 

I'm going to go away and hopefully come back a new person. See you soon ENA