When do you stop being so sad?

So it's been pretty much exactly 3 months since my ex and I broke up.

I've had some hefty ups and downs some of you will know.

It's been 3 months and I still think of him everyday, wonder what he's doing or think about who he could be with.

I wonder if he's happy, but hope he's just as miserable as I am.

I still cry sometimes, or have a feeling to cry.

I still watch movies that remind me of him.

I still want to message him every time something good happens, I still want to message him whenever something reminds me of him.

I still want to discuss my important decisions with him.

I still feel like we're together, only I know we are not. It's sort of like "oh I'll call him up and I'll tell him about my day. Oh wait, I can't, we're not talking, we're not together. Damn" - Know what I mean?

Although I have some other underlying issues. He's pretty much all I think about and it makes me so sad, every hour of every day of every week. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be like this but literally nothing will pick me up.

I go out with friends. I keep myself busy. I cut off contact with him (although only recently.) I tell myself I hate him. I tell myself all his bad qualities. I accept and know we aren't getting back together. I'm pretty sure I don't even want to get back together.

But none of these things stop me from feeling so lonely and low.

I know what most of you will say - It takes time. But, I just want this to go away. I want to be myself again. I want to have the motivation from keeping myself curled up in bed all day. I have so many other things that keep me down but he's the heavy weight. If I get rid of his weight I can focus on the rest.

When do you stop being so sad about the end of your relationship?

( I know I post here a lot.

I look at this forum as a kind of counselling, I really like you people. You've really helped me and thank you for that )

I know what most of you will say - It takes time. But, I just want this to go away. I want to be myself again. I want to have the motivation from keeping myself curled up in bed all day.

Yeah, it takes time. It was 2 years relationship and it has been only 3 months since break up, it will take a while. You can't make it go away, no matter what anyone will say to you, no matter how comforting another persons words will be.

Continue doing what you have been doing, being busy and being with friends. Force yourself to do things even if you are not in the mood.

Could you start a new activity? Join something, somewhere so you could meet some other people?

It was 4 months - cried ever day. Had been in the relationship for 3 years.

It was 4 months - cried ever day. Had been in the relationship for 3 years.

How did you over come it all?

Oh, it's sort of complicated. I had a close female friend dying of cancer around that time, and was going to hospital to spend what time I could with her. My shallow ex and the breakup seemed insignificant next to that. I guess I had him on a pedestal for a long time. I was such a mess, but I was doing a lot of things to make the most of myself and my life - as best I could.

Time heals --- and I know what you are thinking....where is the fast forward button!

I felt that way too --- and then one day, as I was working out, I said out loud "I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired about this!".

And it was like a light went on....and I stopped thinking about the past and started focusing on the future.

Now, it's been almost 9 months since we broke up and 9 months without seeing her.

We have more than 3 months NC and we will probably never speak again. We were together for 8 years.

I still think a lot about her but, around the 6th month, I slowly realized that feeling pain and suffering for her was useless. That, in the end, I was suffering and inflicting more wounds on myself than she would ever care about. That I was the only one still caring about what we had.

I cherish it in some ways, and still think of her but I can't remember being happy with her. All those feelings died with the way she behaved. She died for me on the 18th of november.

So, yes, time heals all but you also need to realize that you're probably the only one hurting from this. And it takes a Hell of a time to get past it.

But realize something : you ex already shut the door. SO you need to do it yourself.

WHat you're going through is a time of loss, grieving and fear of abandonment. Loss of a loved one is the worst thing that can happen in life in my opinion.

Give yourself time. You only recently cut off contact with him, which means your healing isn't really at three months--it started whenever you said goodbye for good and went no contact. And that's all very new. Keep doing what you're doing with the exception of I would not watch movies or do anything right now for the sake of it reminding you of him. Go in an opposite direction and do things and activities that don't remind you of him, learn to move your thoughts away from him by doing something else when you first think of him. And just keep doing that. Yes, it takes time and no it won't happen all at once, but every step away from him is another step towards healing. And then one day you look up and realize you forgot to think about him and that happens more and more until you don't even think about that.

Keep coming here and venting, stay active and force yourself forward even if you don't feel like it. And sometimes especially when you don't. And take up a new activity of some sort, one that's challenging enough you have to focus on it and mastering it instead of on him. That helps tremendously.

"I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired about this!".

And it was like a light went on....and I stopped thinking about the past and started focusing on the future.

I think I am starting to think like that. I mean, he has just jerked me around so much anyway, I feel it is kind of my fast forward button!

It's hard because right now, I feel like I have no future. Not because of him, but just in general. Maybe that's why I feel so sad and really it might have nothing to do with him!

I am lonely though. Did it take you a while to stop feeling lonely?

I feel the same OP. It's been 2 months and 3 weeks since my BU. I am almost at 3 months and I still think of him everyday and do the exact things you do! We had a 6.0 earthquake here and I wanted to reach out to him to see how his workplace was since it is located at the center of the earthquake. I didn't do it and he didn't contact me either. BUT, Im at the point where I am really sick of it! I can either wallow in this, what seems like forever, or I can move on. I'm sure he has moved on since I haven't heard anything from him at all in almost 3 months.

I know I was happy before I met him, and was just looking for a casual relationship, and bam I met him and it was serious very fast. I remember telling him that I wasn't looking for a committed relationship. LOL! 19 months later we break up and here I am heartbroken.

When I work out, I don't think about him, which is the best place for me right now. I'm not sure why that is, but I like it. It's a place where my mind is working on other things or I'm listening to conversations that are going on in the room and not thinking about him at all.

I cannot wait until the day that I just let go and stop the sadness. It takes time I know, so hopefully we will both feel better sooner rather then later.

I think that your feeling of having no future in general is adding to your malaise.

I wasn't so much lonely, as disappointed that the future would not be what I thought it was. But I had not dated/been in a relationship in a long time, so

I was used to being single and knew that it wouldn't be a problem.

Kinda like --- "oh well, back to the old way".....dusted myself off and got on with my life.

So, yes, time heals all but you also need to realize that you're probably the only one hurting from this. And it takes a Hell of a time to get past it.

 

But realize something : you ex already shut the door. SO you need to do it yourself.

 

WHat you're going through is a time of loss, grieving and fear of abandonment. Loss of a loved one is the worst thing that can happen in life in my opinion.

I guess I've never really looked at it that way. You're right, as if he's sat around crying over our relationship. Doubtful. He's told me he gets lonely, so now I have nothing to do with him and I'm not running to his lap when he calls, I hope he is a big heaping mess! He deserves it!

I guess I've never really looked at it that way. You're right, as if he's sat around crying over our relationship. Doubtful. He's told me he gets lonely, so now I have nothing to do with him and I'm not running to his lap when he calls, I hope he is a big heaping mess! He deserves it!

 

Reading your original post, I'm going through the same thing and I have a similar mindset. I hate that I still think about her everyday, very often she's the first thought when I wake up. And like you, I've channeled those thoughts into resentment. Perhaps it sounds petty, but I too hope that she's miserable, lonely, and is realizing what her selfishness has destroyed. In reality, she's probably having the time of her life with whatever douche she's running around with, but thinking about that doesn't bring me any solace. I've convinced myself that even if that's the case, she will eventually hit a dead end. I know her better than she knows herself, and I know there's a high probability of that happening. Sure, she deserves to eventually be happy, just like everyone else, but just not before me.

 

I often wonder how long I will keep thinking about her daily. The resentment I harbor helps me with the NC, and it keeps me from missing her. But I know it's bad for my soul in the long run. Hopefully one day I just won't care anymore. That's when I will truly feel free. That day doesn't seem too near at this point.

 

You mention the feeling of loneliness and being low. I share that as well, but I've realized that I don't actually miss her, I just miss the companionship. Maybe this is the case with you as well? As I mentioned, the resentment is too powerful to actually miss the actual individual. This realization has made me feel a little better, because there are many options when it comes to remedying lack of companionship, not so much when its just missing an ex.

It's not petty I think it's understandable. You put all your trust into one person, you let your walls come down and you love this person then one day they leave you, you realise it's all been a waste of time and then you're damaged, you won't be able to feel that way again for a long time. I resent that he has that hold on me. I resent that he knows he has that hold on me. I also agree about eventually being happy, I believe that we almost have a 'right' to be the first ones to move on! I think my resentment would turn into hate if he gets to be happier before I do! lol.

Yes I don't like this feeling of being lonely, but I would also not like to rush into anything. I think that in my situation anyway it has really made me look at myself, I got completely lost in my relationship and I want to work on myself to improve, I focus some of my energy on that. That's also the thing that helps me with no contact, I realise he dumped me because he couldn't handle the way I started behaving as a 'head case' (as he called it) and i agree that I was being that way in the end, but then I realised it's him that makes me behave that way and I know that I don't want to be like that. I think the more we think of them the more we are going to think of them - if you see what I mean? But I think the moment we find someone else we'll focus all this energy on them, thus just stop thinking of those darn stupid exes! We'll get there one day

Yes, I have come to realise that it's just the companionship I miss. My ex has done some dreadful things to me and so I don't know why I wanted to get back with him for so long, in fact actually now I kind of feel sorry for whoever gets lumbered with him next!

I agree this realisation is a comfort, and hey you can always find companionship in someone else, I have a friend who I see as a brother and whenever I feel lonely, instead of now messaging my ex I call into his room and we have a bit of a snuggle and just watch movies or talk. It's nice.

I believe the resentment stage is the next stage of moving on, so we're doing good!

We can do better, and we will do better

I would say maybe 6 months? Then the anger stage starts....you ll hate him. That isn't as good as being healed-- but I think it's better than the grief stage