strongandweak

This hits home with me so much. I worked so hard over the years, pushed my ambitions and sacrificed so much for a better life. I've reached that a good place in my career, but the person I meant to share it with is gone. It's almost like swimming accross a vast ocean, and finally making it to the other side, only to find a desert waiting for you. I feel like whatever purpose I had was misguided, and now that i'm here, I'm just lost. It feels so empty.

I'm still angry at you. It will be a grudge I will hold forever. I'm sure you still think about me, and wonder about me, but I'm also sure you're temporarily so wrapped into your new life with your new guy that you don't actually give a damn. Or perhaps you don't think about me often, because you do have an uncanny ability to block things out. When he's done with you, when he realizes the person you really are, and doesn't look past your vast character defects the way I stupidly did because I was so in love with you, and he leaves you. Then what? You're going to be old, alone, and miserable, and this time, I won't be around to comfort you when you're down on yourself, when you're in those ruts you're in so often. You already know if you came to me at that point, if you can even get a response from me, you'll just get a giant middle finger. It's only fair, and eye for an eye. Call me spiteful, I don't care. You didn't support me when I needed you most, and left 11 years on the table like it was nothing, so you can chase around a life of parties, boozing and promiscuity, when we should be settling down now like the rest of our friends. You're getting old for goodness sake, doing things that are barely acceptable for someone 10 years your junior. You're a trainwreck, and as the one who was closest to you, I just happen to be your biggest collateral damage. I never had the balls to say this to you because it would come accross as harsh, and maybe I should've for your sake, but newsflash to you... You're a terrible person (selfish, judgmental, lack empathy) as you've been told many times by others. You're quite unintelligent. The fact that you can't perform simple computation, can't feign knowledge in interviews, can't understand anything more than a paragraph long, and fail every exam you've taken in your adult life is evidence enough. I suspect you know this though, given your insecurities when questions on your intelligence are raised (never by me), and your constant fishing for validation. You're also incredibly lazy, having been fired from multiple jobs due to performance, won't clean, can't/won't cook. You've also put on 30+ lbs since we've met. You complain about getting fat, but you have some crazy aversion to any exercise of any kind, and thinking that scaling back your eating every now and then will keep your weight under control. You're getting older, your metabolism is going to slow, that's not going to work! It hasn't worked in years, because you haven't lost any weight in years! And it's not healthy and probably contributes to your laziness (lack of energy and effort). You also have terrible spending habits, maxing out credit cards and not saving a dime. Your family had to bail you out of your debts due to your lavish lifestyle. You think they're going to keep doing that when you finally decide to settle down with whatever loser you're partying with every weekend? You've been fortunate that you were blessed with a pretty face and a decent support system of loved ones. But your looks will continue to fade away, as they have over the 11 years I've known you, and as you keep burning bridges your support dwindles further (i'm only the latest casualty) and your issues (financial and otherwise) continue to grow, you're going to find yourself in a bad place in the end - unlikeable, broke, and unhealthy. Although I feel very spiteful towards you, I'm not saying this out of spite, this is just the reality of the situation. I saw this path when we were together, and I tried to gently steer you in the right direction. It's why I was hesitant to tie the knot with you, because I felt you still had some growing up to do. I didn't want to be stuck bankrolling your lavish lifestyle, while doing the cooking, cleaning, and (presumably) child raising on my own. I loved you, and wanted to see progress on your end towards a balanced future, one where you, me, and our future family could flourish. But now, with no one to reign you in, this is not going to end well. I know I should be happy that I'm not riding on that trainwreck, that I dodged a bullet ........but yet I can't help but continue to feel anguish and sadness. Love corrupts all common sense it seems