Bottom line is that I still love her

I've been a long time lurker of this thread mainly because everybody's stories give me a sense of solidarity as I go through my BU. Also, everyone's advice tends to err on the same thing-- No Contact. So I didn't feel like I needed to post my story. My situation is a little different now, however. I've been through a lot of BUs before, and I'm usually the dumpee. So I'm no stranger to the golden rule, NC.

Story Time

I (28m) was in a complicated relationship with this girl (28f) for about 1.5 years. We were on and off because she had struggled with many issues e.g., emotional issues, child abuse, domestic violence, etc. I never did any of these things, but I was at her side as she went through therapy and the court system. She also had two children with a previous boyfriend who used to beat her.

Fast forward to early July. Since we were together, she had been able to conquer and heal through all of her issues except one: fear of being alone. She tells me, "Let me go... I want to conquer this last fear." I try to convince her to stay, but I don't try too hard. I love her, so I let her go. Since I am the dumpee, I go NC to make sure I heal from the BU.

Two days after the BU, I initiate brief contact so she can pick up some of her things. The text convo is brief. After we set up a time for her to come by and get stuff from my place while I'm not around, she tells me that she still wants to go through with her plan. I say, "Sounds like an awesome plan, babe." Then I go full, hard NC on her. She texts me a few times... pictures of us, that she got her period, etc. Breadcrumbs. I still stay NC and go forward with the moving on process. I've already been talking to a couple of girls since the BU. (A side note on rebounds: not a good idea. You usually just end up comparing everyone to the ex.) I then start the healing process which usually consists in hardcore gymming, lurking this forum, clean eating, work, and ing to my close friends about how said I am. haha

After two weeks of full NC, my boys take me to a club to help distract me and maybe meet some girls. After a few minutes waiting in line, I get approached by none other than the ex saying, "hey what are you doing here?!" It was purely coincidental that we ended up at the same club. I keep the convo brief, and when I go into the club, I keep my distance. She's dancing on stage (she's a bit ratchet like that) and I'm just dancing with my homies in a circle facing away from her. I'm still on NC mode as best as possible.

Then towards the end of the night she comes up right in front of me and asks me to dance and kisses me, etc. I do it. I eventually take her home, and we get intimate again. (This was hard to resist... she has an awesome body in that she is a swimsuit model.)

We talk the next day. I told her that I didn't contact her at all because I was moving on from the relationship since she dumped me. Sounds reasonable right? She gets kind of sad. I tell her I'd still take her back, but she insists on her plan of being single still. I say okay.

Then she tells me that she loves me and that I am good for her. She basically wants me to wait for her to conquer her fear. She promises that she will be celibate during this time that she is conquering her fear of being alone. She promises to "save herself for me." She will turn down every guy and then come back to me as a "stronger person." Also, we've been talking about marriage. She tells me that if I ever need my future "wife" to please her man (i.e., sexually), that I should call her so she can take care of me. She is also letting me see other girls, I'm just not supposed to tell her. I should only tell her if I fall in love with someone else. I don't plan to.

I'm going to trust her with her plans. There's nothing else I can really do. I think that she really is trying to conquer her fear of being alone instead of dumping me because the relationship wasn't working. I'm not the kind of boyfriend to stand in the way of that kind of self-improvement.

So... I don't know if NC is appropriate now. Maybe LC? Should I continue to try and move on from her? Should I just keep seeing multiple women since I'm technically single?

Bottom line is that I still love her.

Then she tells me that she loves me and that I am good for her. She basically wants me to wait for her to conquer her fear. She promises that she will be celibate during this time that she is conquering her fear of being alone. She promises to "save herself for me." She will turn down every guy and then come back to me as a "stronger person." Also, we've been talking about marriage. She tells me that if I ever need my future "wife" to please her man (i.e., sexually), that I should call her so she can take care of me. She is also letting me see other girls, I'm just not supposed to tell her. I should only tell her if I fall in love with someone else. I don't plan to.

So you agreed to being her back up plan... she wants to go around and sleep with other men. Okay, well... keep us updated on how that goes and if she ever comes back to you.

Good luck with that one

I don't know. It seems like you're sort of in relationship limbo now; she wants to be single, but she isn't going to date/sleep with others, but you can, but she doesn't want to know, and you can call her if you want sex . . . This sounds so complicated to me. It's like you're in a relationship but you're not.

If you are just waiting for her to come around, what would be the point of dating others? Not really fair to them, especially if they are looking for something genuine. But then, if you just wait around you run the risk of her screwing you over somehow. No firm commitment to the relationship in place, so why behave like you are committed?

Eh. This is a quagmire. Are you comfortable with these "boundaries"? And if she's trying to prove to herself that she can be single, why try to enter into some sort of quasi-relationship with you, her most recent ex?

""Let me go... I want to conquer this last fear." I try to convince her to stay, but I don't try too hard. I love her, so I let her go."

- She asked you to let her go. Then how about you do that?

If she has 'chosen' to be on her own again to conquer those 'fears', then let her go deal with it.

It sounds as though she's just keeping you around for 'Ex sex'. I think you should leave her be, totally, so she can really see what life without you is like.

She ended it, then do as she wishes. Let her be alone.

Don't go getting yourself caught up in HER emotional/mental drama. It may end up hurting YOU more in the end.

Take care of yourself here.

There good can come out of your arrangement. There are no in betweens. You are either together or you are not. In either cases you behave in ways that are appropriate for what you are or are not.

A luta continua

I meant to say nothing good can come out of your arrangement

A luta continua

So you agreed to being her back up plan... she wants to go around and sleep with other men. Okay, well... keep us updated on how that goes and if she ever comes back to you.

 

Good luck with that one

I think she does NOT want to sleep around. I'm pretty sure she wants me to be her first choice. That's why idk what I need to do.

Or she's lying. I don't think she is though. And neither do people who are close to her.

Right? It's a dilemma. I'm comfortable with the boundaries she set since they are so favorable to me. However, I would rather that we just stay together.

I think for her to genuinely get something out of this, then I need to play the part and go NC.

""Let me go... I want to conquer this last fear." I try to convince her to stay, but I don't try too hard. I love her, so I let her go."

- She asked you to let her go. Then how about you do that?

If she has 'chosen' to be on her own again to conquer those 'fears', then let her go deal with it.

 

It sounds as though she's just keeping you around for 'Ex sex'. I think you should leave her be, totally, so she can really see what life without you is like.

She ended it, then do as she wishes. Let her be alone.

 

Don't go getting yourself caught up in HER emotional/mental drama. It may end up hurting YOU more in the end.

Take care of yourself here.

This reply is probably the most consistent with what I feel I need to do.

I meant to say nothing good can come out of your arrangement

 

 

A luta continua

As a guy, I think the position I'm in is like... best case scenario. But that's from a guy's perspective only. I mean the situation seems too good to be true in that I can do what I want and she'll come back not having been with anyone.

It's like we're on a break, but only she has the condition of remaining faithful.

So weird. I think I should just go full NC again. haha.

It seems like she just genuinely needs space to find herself. Go no contact though. It will only make the process more clear and faster. Unfortunately you can't wait for her though. Try to live your life without her and then just see where things end up down the line. No guarentees. It's a gamble.

It seems like she just genuinely needs space to find herself. Go no contact though. It will only make the process more clear and faster. Unfortunately you can't wait for her though. Try to live your life without her and then just see where things end up down the line. No guarentees. It's a gamble.

Thanks man. I think she needs this space too. I think you're right in that this is a gamble... and I just gotta trust that things will work out. With or without her.

On a different note, she texted me pictures of us from a photoshoot today. I haven't responded.

Thanks man. I think she needs this space too. I think you're right in that this is a gamble... and I just gotta trust that things will work out. With or without her.

 

On a different note, she texted me pictures of us from a photoshoot today. I haven't responded.

Good call man. Its going to be a little tricky in your situation because you guys are on such good terms but I guess the theme on your end should be "Disconnect as much as possible". If she reaches out to you and a response is expected or required, keep it simple, very short and cordial. Keep the feelings out as much as you can. This is the space she has asked for.

On the other hand, if you feed into it or lose your cool, that space she needs gets retracted. Distance. As much as you can without coming off like a cold heartless jerk. Its a fine line but you need to be strong and do your best to give her as much space as humanly possible. Good luck man. Could be so much worse. Try to use the time to better yourself so if and when you guys do get back together, you are both better people. Its not a bad spot to be in right now.

So you agreed to being her back up plan... she wants to go around and sleep with other men. Okay, well... keep us updated on how that goes and if she ever comes back to you.

 

Good luck with that one

Well of course he did. She has a hot body. *Rolls eyes.*

You sound pretty emotionally unavailable for a real relationship. You find a hot, messed up chick to rescue and expect something long-lasting. Not gonna happen.