My BF told me to love him less.

Last night, my boyfriend and I had a fight about how I'm taking up so much of his time. He told me to love him less, and that he doesn't want my love for him anymore. He started recalling things from when we had just started dating, and asked about why it was okay for him to do certain things before. My answer was because I wasn't that inlove with him at that time and I didn't really care. He said that he liked it better that way, and if I could please start loving him less. He apologized afterwards, but his words really devastated me. He told me he didn't mean what he said, but I know deep down, those were true. I don't know what to do or think. I'm 22 and he's 26.

You are making the relationship your life and expecting him to do the same.

A relationship is PART of your life. And you are suffocating him and expecting him to act/do certain things that you require now that you "love him more".

You are making the relationship your life and expecting him to do the same.

 

A relationship is PART of your life. And you are suffocating him and expecting him to act/do certain things that you require now that you "love him more".

This. The biggest killer of relationships is expecting someone to be what you want them to be, and making life miserable reminding them that they aren't.

I hear what mhowe is saying, but I actually think his saying that to you was extremely cruel, and caution you about continuing to invest in this man. My response to his saying that would probably be 'get over yourself'

We have no way of knowing, actually, if you are making him your entire world just off your post. Sometimes I think people use that as an excuse to push people away and treat them like crap. You may be a very independent woman who has a life of her own, so no one here should be assuming you are making this relationship the center of your universe (although you shouldn't, and no one should). Unfair of people to jump to that.

What he said to you was very poisonous and plants an extremely unhealthy seed that you are somehow loving 'too much.' Nothing in your post indicated to me that you're making him the center of your world or are codependent. He just sounds like he is currently not very deserving of your love at all. I hope you will re-evaluate if he's worth your time and feelings.

He started recalling things from when we had just started dating, and asked about why it was okay for him to do certain things before. My answer was because I wasn't that inlove with him at that time and I didn't really care.

When you first started dating, you accepted some things about him, but now that you are in love with him you don't accept those things? Loving someone does not mean you own them. If you are basically saying to him "You can't do those things you used to do now that I'm in love with you" your love will feel like a cage to him. If he was good enough for you to date and fall in love with, why isn't he good enough now, if he's doing the same things? What kind of things are you objecting to? Do you suppose you two are incompatible, but you are hoping he'll change?

Thank you for your responses.

I am not asking him to be what I want him to be. I guess it's more of the fact that I want to spend time a lot of time with him. I know his world doesn't revolve around me, and that I should let mine revolve around his, but I don't know what could be so wrong about wanting to spend time with him. Maybe I'm suffocating him - I don't know. But what I really need help with is how to cope with what he told me last night. It really hurts and I'm at a loss about what to think, feel, and do. I've confronted him about it this morning, and all he told me was to "stop thinking about it". I don't know I can just "stop thinking about it"... This is all very shocking to me. I've loved and lost before and he knows the story about my past - about how much hurt I've gone through in my previous relationship. When we had just started dating, he would tell me to stop being so scared about falling in love again - with him this time. And now I am so in-love with him. And then he tells me to love him less and that it was better that way it was before when my feelings for him were just developing. I really don't know what to do. I don't wanna keep discussing this with him because it's just going to make him more mad, and I could only handle so much hurt and stress.

You want to spend "a lot of time with him"....specifically, what does that mean?

How you cope with it is to turn down the "neediness". And get involved in your life.

You have loved and lost and were hurt --- well, to love is to be vulnerable. But that doesn't mean that he is supposed to never "hurt" you. That he can

never make a comment about the relationship.

And I would refrain from continually discussing this. Because what he means is to just relax --- that it was easier to be your bf when you didn't "love him so much".

Your expectations of the relationship are out of line with his.

Neediness isn't a symptom of love but insecurity. So what you need to do, and it will help you put into perspective what you both said to each other, is realize that love and neediness are separate and that he essentially just mirrored back what you said to him. That should take a huge sting out of it, when you are able to accept that.

He was telling you it was better when you both maintained your individuality and independence. Relationships are meant to be enhancers not the end all be all.

So, what were the things that he used to do but now you don't want or like him doing now?

If the issue is he doesn't want to spend a lot of time with you, then the problem is he really doesn't want a serious relationship and is more interested in 'casual' dating where he is a free agent to come and go and not be fully accountable to you.

If someone asks you for space, give them all the space in the world. As in stop calling and texting him, stop asking to see him, and just wait and see what he does and how often he contacts you or asks to see you. If he texts you, you can text back (once), but then STOP until you hear from him again.

I think what this means is he want to really slow the relationship down, and he doesn't want to be a 'steady' BF so much as an 'optional' one when he's in the mood to see you. Which basically means he's either not ready for a relationship and wants to be single most of the time, or he's just not that into you and it trying to cool you off.

If you totally stop pursuing him or his attention and stop texting and calling and asking to see him, see how he behaves. And if you rarely hear from him or he only wants to see you once in a while or once a week, then basically you're not his GF, you're just a casual date. You'll have to decide whether that is enough for you or not. If not, let him go and find a BF you don't have to beg to see you (i.e., someone as enthusiastic about you are you are about him).

btw, if this were me, i'd give him a serious case of frostbite for a while, i.e., get really busy doing everything BUT seeing him. Make plans with other people, and don't let him drop by and hang out anytime he pleases. He needs to get that you have your own life and if he is going to tell you to cool off, that doesn't mean you are sitting waiting patiently at home for him to show up when he's in the mood. You need to start re-investing in YOU and your own life since he's basically told you you're not important enough to him to have a serious relationship with. Then when you find a new guy who is interesting, dump him and move on.

btw, i'd be annoyed if someone told me to trust him and fall in love, then suddenly he's telling me to back off and go back to 'loving him less'. That was pretty wrong of him to do. If what he wants is casual dating, he should have told you that. But then if he'd told you that, maybe you wouldn't have gotten involved with him or slept with him, and he knew that so was trying to break down your resistance to sleeping with him or opening up to him.

Unless you are demanding he spend every spare moment with him or texting him 5+ times a day and demanding an immediate response, you're not being needy.

I'm sometimes tempted to say the same thing to my boyfriend, but I don't want to sound mean. XD

Look, man, just because you love someone, doesn't mean you need to be around them constantly and do EVERYTHING together. It's unhealthy. You'll lose your personality to this guy, and you'll push him away. You need to do your own thing more. If you do your own thing more, he'll also miss you more and appreciate the time you do spend together a hell of a lot more.

It was kind of mean for him to say it like that, but some dudes just suck with words, so I wouldn't take it too harshly. I assume he meant to say that he enjoys hanging out with you a lot more when he doesn't feel like he HAS to, and that he'd like to be able to do his own thing sometimes and would appreciate if sometimes, you did your own thing.

Well, I work 8-5 on weekdays and there is barely enough time for us to hang out, so I thought that spending time together on weekends would compensate for that. He doesn't work so I thought that whatever he needs to do at home, he can do on the weekdays. Maybe I'm being selfish?

When we had just started dating, he would literally beg me to spend time with him, and I liked that about him. It was definitely one of the reasons why I fell for him to begin with. I know I keep going back to the time "when we had just started dating". I often find myself comparing how our relationship was before and how it currently is. I know I shouldn't keep dwelling on the past, but I feel like how he was before was the main reason I loved him, and now he is somewhat different towards our relationship.

btw, i'd be annoyed if someone told me to trust him and fall in love, then suddenly he's telling me to back off and go back to 'loving him less'. That was pretty wrong of him to do. If what he wants is casual dating, he should have told you that.

This is exactly what I feel right now.

Then you guys are not looking for the same thing in a relationship.

Why doesn't he work?

And while most couples do hang out on weekends, there does need to be time to hang with friends, family, etc. But since he is jobless, he could do

some of that during the week. Presumably, some of his friends work as well.

Oh, well, that's probably not unreasonable with the hours you work.

Perhaps there is something else bothering him? Maybe you're not really stressing him out at all, or 'over-loving' him as he says. Maybe it's something else entirely and he's just taking it out on you.

I'd ask him about it, when he's relaxed and ready to talk. Ask him if there's been anything external bothering him lately.

If there isn't, and he says something like this again, I would back off completely. Make him miss you. He'll either start acting like he used to, begging YOU for time... or he'll let you drift away. If it's the latter, it would seem that unfortunately, he did genuinely mean what he said and he's not so into you as he once was.

He doesn't even work and he's complaining about having to spend time with you on weekends? Sorry, dumpworthy offense!

He started recalling things from when we had just started dating, and asked about why it was okay for him to do certain things before.

What are these things? And what do you say?

Why doesn't he work?

What are these things? And what do you say?

He told me that he liked it better when we didn't hang out as much before. But the thing is, like I said in my previous post, he would literally beg me to hang out with him. Now that I DO WANT to hang out with him because I had developed feelings for him -- feelings that he begged for me to develop for him to begin with --, he indirectly tells me to back off. I am just so shocked as to why the tables have turned.

Why doesn't he work?

He just doesn't have a job... Should've been a red flag, I know.

He doesn't work..just because? No special reason?

How long have you been dating him and how long has he been jobless? Does he take classes or anything? And how does he support himself?

He doesn't work..just because? No special reason?

 

How long have you been dating him and how long has he been jobless? Does he take classes or anything? And how does he support himself?

No special reason. He doesn't work just because. He's "looking for a job", but I know it's a half-hearted attempt. We've been dating for almost a year now, and he's been jobless since we met last year. He made me do his resume once and the last work experience he's had was in 2011. He doesnt take classes. He just basically stays home. He just got his driver's license last week with the use of my car. I'm not trying to put him down or anything, but maybe some background about him would provide some insight for your advice.

What does he do all day? video games?

How does he pay for dates, for food, for utilities?

He works around the house on the weekdays and runs errands. And yes, play video games. He does buy and sell of electronics. That's pretty much how he's able to pay for stuff.

I am sorry ---- but he is an adult. And is no more thinking about a future than your average 16 yr. old.

I would be on my way.