Do I respond or not?

Hello,

Looking for some opinions from this fantastic support system...

So, during the breakup four days ago (that he initiated; saying he loved me, saw a future for us, but was overwhelmed with how fast things were going and needed a break (i really truly believe he meant a breakup - he would not commit to any future communication steps and seemed to have emotionally checked out - we had been fighting a LOT about his unavailability). I think he is a bonafide CP. Please trust me on this..I have known him for many years before we started dating. I hoped that b/c we had a solid and beautiful friendship...and attraction to boot... we could have an awesome and trusting romantic relationship. he pursued me ardently over the years and the timing was off. Finally our time came. I thought..I have issues too and we have helped one another many a time). Anyway - he was to have a medical procedure today and during the breakup - I asked him to let me know if everything was ok.

So - he sent a text this afternoon. Although it sounds really nice - it broke my heart too, as I can tell he has shut down from me. I do not feel that he is in love with me anymore - if he ever really was. (He thought he was - but during breakup admittied he does not know if he can love "anyone."

Back to text: He greeted me with something nice (Sweet lady) - but not like before of course (My Darling); and just told me they did some medical stuff and results pending. then he said "thank you for the note." Ouch. The note was one I left for him as I was leaving that painful day. He was so messed up/exhausted from it all that he was lying face down on his bed like a broken heap after the all day breakup (or reconciliation? or break up? It literally went like that all day long). Anyway - I left a note saying "I love you." Today at end of text; he wrote "thank you for the note .." Ouch.

I have been so deeply hurt by the drama in the r/s; feeling betrayed by someone who pursued me for so long.. then when he got me (finally!) couldnt handle the intimacy (emotional) and did all kinds of distancing behaviours. I saw the flags - unfortunately know them too well. Their constant resurfacing in the r/s and me calling them out for what they were are what caused all the arguments. We would talk it through, try again, and then he would try another flavor of distancing. We never did find the balance after the initial "honeymoon" period.

Anyway, I truly care for this person, but I realize he is not emotionally available to me. That sucks and hurts and I feel really rejected and angry and generally miserable as he has amazing qualities too. But he was willing to walk. He wanted it. I wish like anything he would "see the light" as we all wish, and call me and try to work it out with some healthy counseling in the mix and better communication. But - he doesnt seem to want that. He just wanted me gone that day. When I asked if he could offer me any sort of compromise (talk on the phone regularly while he works through his stuff?) - he refused saying he "just couldnt." Note that he had recently (also finally) broken up with a gf who was emotionally unavailable to HIM for years. He thought he wanted this close, loving relationship. Turns out he couldnt handle it at all once he found someone who would actually give him that. (me). He sabotaged it left and right. And I did everything wrong too by going into needy mode and having angry outbursts when he would suddenly disappear for days with no warning. It was not healthy. So I know - why am I in such turmoil? Sounds so clear when I write it out. Yet - the good was so very good. And I love this person. He is a good and decent man..just kinda messed up. And can be obtuse, self absorbed. But at core, a lovely soul.

So - after this long winded history - I am thinking that although I asked him to let me know how things went, and he honored that request by sending a courteous text...do I owe him a response? I think I do as a courtesy; BUT I know it will send me into another tailspin. It's only been 4 days. I have been a complete wreck. I handle "distance" terribly and he thrives on it. I think if I respond in any way - I will get anxious/jacked up waiting and hoping for a response - any response. And I think I won't get one. Why would I? He was just honoring my request.

So...do I answer his text with a text back? Or do I silently continue to wish him well from here and do nothing, while trying to move on with my life - wihtout him. I think even if I responded with "ok" - I would be hanging on... looking for a crumb. I wish I was not that way - but I am.

Thoughts?

Sending a text and waiting on a response is misery. I did it this morning. I'm kind of in the same situation as you.

I would do what I am going to do: do not contact them, if they want to talk to you or be with you, they'll contact you. At least that's what I'm going to do.

Do you want him back?

Because as much as I love my ex, she's hurt me twice badly now, and I'm just wondering if it's worth salvaging due to the trust issues. I'm not 100% sold on forgiving her.

You have answered your own question; it truly doesn't call for a response since he was honoring your request.

It has nothing further to discuss.

If you send anything, you will be waiting for a reply that will never come.

You suck at distance....which you need to do.

He excels at it --- which is what he will do.

You need to continue to move on.

I have recently been through a situation with a person who has a similar personality as your ex, and from that I can try to offer some wisdom: He may be a great and a kind-hearted guy who is "a little messed up" like you said. But I think this makes it easier for the pain of separation to manifest as guilt that you could not do enough to keep him for fix the relationship.

It's going to hurt but I would say not to respond and to start the healing process. Try not to think about him getting over his issues and coming around to you in the future because they're probably a deeply engrained, inherent part of him. Good luck to you and I offer my anonymous support regardless of what you decide to do about the text.

He knows how you feel about him. You have also let him know you would be there for him. I would just respond back with a polite response. As for what's going on with you two, just leave it for now and let time go by. It sounds like right now he needs only a friend while he heals after his recent breakup. Perhaps you can try again in the future. But right now if you start communicating with him again, just be a friend.

^^^ agreed. if someone reports on a successful medical procedure, it would seem passive-aggressive and possibly tactless to not even acknowledge that all is well. I suggest something as simple as "thanks for letting me know." or "I'm glad you're ok!" but then complete NC from there.

You are hurt.. he is hurt too, after his last 'break up'?

He is NOT emotionally available, you're right. So YOU need to accept these issues at hand and the fact he cannot hand himself over to you. At least he's being honest and NOT faking it with you- give him some credit there..

You said the honeymoon period- how long was that and how long were you seeing him for? (did i miss that?).

Sounds a bit like YOU were a 'rebound'. Someone who's come in right after a LTR ends, where that person is NOT ready or available to move on properly into a new relation.

You need to give him his 'space' now. Best leave him be to think and deal with 'himself'. he needs that, not you in his way.

i understand it hurts, but you need to understand these things too- what has happened between you two.

You can't 'make' anyone love you. That takes time & effort to build. HE cannot do that with you.. or anyone else right now, until he can deal with his own emotions from what he had before you..

thank you for your feedback..I hear you on seeming tactless. But, at the risk of sounding selfish..he knows I am not tactless or heartless. He knows I am a very caring and loving person--and that I care for him. He knows he hurt me deeply, and he knows it was his choice to reject me, and not to stay. I think I need to take care of myself this time...as I think NOT doing that has been a catalyst for the breakdown. He wasn't treating me the way he had. And instead of backing up, I would just tell him how I felt and we would have these long drawn out conversations about it (mini therapy sessions, really)...and then he would try for a bit...but soon distance again in some other way. It was so painful and rejecting. And talk about confusing. He loves me and wants to get married to me someday. Then he thinks he needs to be alone - maybe forever. He seemingly had one foot in and one foot out as soon as he "won" my heart. (Which he went to great lengths to get...it was not easy for me to let down my guard. But I finally trusted him.) Now - I dont.

Anyway - knowing he is a CP, if I respond at all, (and yes I do want him back - sorry but that is the truth), he will react internally by thinking "okay she is still around. I can bask in some more distance here."

Its been awful

Agreed on above. The part that is so hurtful is that we discussed all this a LOT before I agreed to proceed with the r/s. He assured me in every way (and I grilled him really - asked every question, discussed every concern over a period of time). Once we started getting serious, it was wonderful, I was so happy, he was so happy. Then - he started with the odd behaviour here and there. I am just mad that he took me down this path and then is so utterly unable to fulfil all his promises. Its been really painful. Yes, I could have said no. I could have said "call me in 6 months. " but we had momentum going...we were excited about the future..he was ready to be free of a past that was not happy. He had "cried on my shoulder" about if for years. Then things changed and he started to pursue me in a romantic way. I was cautious and it took a while for me to feel like it was real. But once I believed him, I truly believed him. I just feel disillusioned and duped. I know it wasnt intentional. To hear him tell it - he had emotionally disconnected from the other relationship months before that. and I knew it (or thought I did) because he told me about it before we were dating at all. I was not available at that time - had no preconceived plan to date him at all. I was losing a parent at the time and dating was the last thing on my mind.

anyway - I am just so hurt by it all. Yes I am not a victim. but it hurts just the same.

Well, then it appears you have answered your original question.

And yes, it hurts. But, as you said --- it wasn't intentional.

He just was not ready to commit to a relationship.

Yes, it does hurt. I suppose from both ends.

But i wonder if you should still back off and let him think on things- settle down for a bit to think on what all HE wants here?

Don't pressure him and in the meanwhile.. why don't you think on your own stability?

Are You all okay you think? You mentioned just losing a parent then (so sorry to hear about btw) that is also a sad 'loss'!

Did u get therapy for that loss at all?

Hi SooSad,

Thank you for asking. I immediately went to a therapist when I felt this r/s taking me back to a bad place of anxiety I have been before. So I did try to address it right away. As for losing my parent..I admit it has been odd. My parent was in a lot of pain for months and it was torture to watch. But, I have not cried as much as I thought I would. We had a complicated yet loving r/s - but that parent definitely contributed to the insecurities I carry today. Yeah major way

I talked about this openly (but not exceedingly) with ex, too. We had a lot of loving honest conversations about our "baggage" and how we could possibly be really wonderful for one another as a safe zone for working through it. It didnt happen that way.

I have not tried to contact him at all since the split; nor would I. Not my style...despite the longing. I would not humiliate myself like that. So, backing off is not the issue right now. I am just feeling a bit guilty, careless, for not acknwledging his text about his health. If I did respond it would be something very short like "okay" or - "be well."

I would not try to initiate a conversation. He didnt ask me any questions either (though he usually doesnt - another flag that I have noticed over time.. Another way to distance is to not ask about what is happening in the life of your partner. He did that "not asking" a lot. And I noticed it because he was not like that at all in the context of our friendship...so it was pretty obvious to me as a distancing thing).

So still struggling with acceptance (it's over and he wants it that way. Really???). I f I accept that - I would send the text to acknowledge. But, not being a super hero, I would then go straight into pining for a response. that would not come.

And thus I go round and round.

Then choose to stop --- for your own sanity and health. He didn't ask how you were -- he simply answered your question.

To respond would make YOU feel worse. How he feels is his issue.

Then choose to stop --- for your own sanity and health. He didn't ask how you were -- he simply answered your question.

 

To respond would make YOU feel worse. How he feels is his issue.

Thankyou. That's how I was trying to approach it. Just hard to do nothing.

Doing nothing ---- is the hardest thing to do.

But doing nothing --- is in fact, doing something. It is allowing you to heal.

been there! i know exactly what you mean, especially the long period of steady courtship, the many conversations to keep the pulse of the relationship, the deep and abiding connection. and the distancing, the denial of distancing, the pleading for my time, the promises of improving behavior, the million excuses from the vulnerable tormented soul. it's the most torturous, heartbreaking, mind-effing experience.

my ex followed me around for three months for a date. in fact, after we met he googled me to get my work email to ask me for coffee. he swore from the very beginning that he felt this rare connection. and I pushed myself to try. in fact, I used my therapy to be a calm, steady, reliable girlfriend to him. and I was TERRIFIED the whole time. I tried to end the relationship four times. I had nightmares and stomach aches that this man practically laughed off while kissing my forehead and reassuring me of his love.

we broke up by phone four days before my holiday visit. our 1.5 year relationship became an ldr at the year mark, and we'd lived together for a time in both of our cities. and he literally expressed NOT ONE doubt about our durability until that conversation. what was so sad is that while he was complaining about missing me too much, failing at work, failing at being there for me, I just kept asking him to talk in person in a few days. my son was in the early stages of what turned out to be a severe breakdown that landed him in residential treatment for depression and a mood disorder. I never even got to tell my ex. all I said is "but you don't even know what's going on with me." and he never asked. so I called off the visit, said he'd never hear from me again and that was basically it.

talk about a CP. if I could have foreseen that this man it in him to flake out on any woman like that, I would have never ever even given. him a half-glance. my brain hurts and I cry every time I think about it....

faux-relationship partners are THE WORST. so, I hear you, seriously.

I have recently been through a situation with a person who has a similar personality as your ex, and from that I can try to offer some wisdom: He may be a great and a kind-hearted guy who is "a little messed up" like you said. But I think this makes it easier for the pain of separation to manifest as guilt that you could not do enough to keep him for fix the relationship.

 

It's going to hurt but I would say not to respond and to start the healing process. Try not to think about him getting over his issues and coming around to you in the future because they're probably a deeply engrained, inherent part of him. Good luck to you and I offer my anonymous support regardless of what you decide to do about the text.

this rings so true. thank you.

Well, then it appears you have answered your original question.

And yes, it hurts. But, as you said --- it wasn't intentional.

He just was not ready to commit to a relationship.

Doing nothing ---- is the hardest thing to do.

 

But doing nothing --- is in fact, doing something. It is allowing you to heal.

Thankyou so true

That's how I described it too! Mind eff. So sorry this happened to you, too. I will be taking a harder look in the future at my tendency to gravitate towards that tortured soil. Enough of the misery already.

yeah, my heart really goes out to you, too. it sounds like your ex kept you in the dark about his emotional unavailability by pursuing you, reassuring you and working with you to develop that emotional "safe zone." I think that's much worse than those who are up front about their inability to commit...

yeah, my heart really goes out to you, too. it sounds like your ex kept you in the dark about his emotional unavailability by pursuing you, reassuring you and working with you to develop that emotional "safe zone." I think that's much worse than those who are up front about their inability to commit...

Thank you. It helps a lot to see that someone understands.

10 days NC. Having a very hard time.

10 days NC. Having a very hard time.

How did it all turn out?

Mine was also telling me she was not sure if she was ever "in love" with me at one of the last face-2-face meetings we had... She, too, completely shut-down from me and emotionally checked out of the relationship before the breakup actually happened.

You don't "owe" him anything. I would not continue to correspond with him. You stated that you know he is not emotionally available to you. You cannot change this in him, nor should you try. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is not able to emotionally invest in you and the relationship. it will never work but it will cause you serious heartache and non-stop frustration. I would wish him well, be friendly, but, not friends and cease any contact with him moving forward. Sometimes you can only love or care about someone from a distance for your own well-being.

Hey guys - I thought I would follow up on this thread from many years ago. As a recap - A man I had known for many years pursued me hard - wanting to change our friendship into a full blown serious relationship that would end in marriage. He approached me that literally. Then he started shady behavior. As you can see from above - we finally broke up. Fast forward from 2013 to 2017. He resurfaced after years of no contact; saying he'd done a lot of self reflection, had healed his commitment-phobic ways - and wanted me back in his life - how he never stopped loving me yada yada. So - since I happened to be single as well - I proceeded to cautiously open communication with him. Note that he was out of state (offshore/military) and there was no way for us to see one another. So, we communicated via phone at first daily and later by email when possible because he was at sea. He started with the love bombing again at the beginning, calling daily - talking about our future together, etc. How he needed and appreciated the idea of looking forward to "us" while he was away and in such challenging daily circumstances.

Well - without drawing this out too much....after many months and watching his whole pattern repeat - he finally came back home. And guess what? We never even saw each other! He did the same thing as before. Back-tracking - becoming unavailable to even answer my return phone call, not reaching out quickly to call me back after a single lame call where all he could talk about is himself and how he was having such a hard time being off the ship... whereas before he could not wait to see me anytime anywhere if only Oh if ONLY he wasn't so far away!! But now that he was 20 minutes away - he starts with the confusing push me pull you type stuff. This time I did not hesitate to trust myself and ask him straight out what he was doing (once he finally called back to ask me if he could come see me (and at a group event at that - not even privately). I said that he has been yanking my chain for literally YEARS! So what's the deal this time? Oh now - he admits he's "suddenly" found the idea of commitment to be too much for him; how thinking of "us" made it "unsafe" and dangerous for him on the ship as it could make him make a mistake that could harm others (like with equipment accidents) and was distracting (talk about a 180!!!) and list another million excuses, ad nauseum. BUT - he wanted to see me to "see how we both felt." This time - I told him I no longer had time for him and his issues and that no I would not be seeing him and in fact to do me a favor and never contact me again. I hung up immediately, and have never heard from him again (since about September now). I don't expect I ever will (not even for an apology) and that's best!. The old me would have wept and pined for him for weeks or even months. This time - I cried for an evening - and went off the next day on a fun filled excursion and met new people and have made a lot of new friends as a result. Sure, it still hurts. But I am not living there this time. I know this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. And I deserve better - way better than smoke and mirrors masquerading as a relationship. I think the moral of the story here is - always trust your gut. Even when you don't like what it's telling you. And don't waste your time or your tears on people who don't have the moral character to own their stuff and stop dragging you through the mud. A zebra never changes his stripes!! Onward and Upward.