Why am I so insecure & jealous of my bf's past?

Me & my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years now, and we have a 2 month old daughter together. I am so super jealous over him and I do not know why! Its really bad.. I check his fb everyday, and when he becomes friends with a girl on there, I freak out! When I find out about something in his past, I get sick to my stomach and dig and dig until I find something, and I end up hurting myself. For instance, I found out about this girl he slept with & lost his virginity to, works at this new restaurant in his town-- & he has eaten there a few times & I pitched a fit about him going there bc I knew young girls worked in there. & now i find out this skank works there? Ughh I am so upset about it. Am I crazy? Why am I like this! I hate it.. he has been in love one time before me, and the girl happens to be my cousin. They were young, & lasted maybe a year. He tells me he loves me everyday & he really does show it. He's brought up marriage and we are trying to get a house together. He is only 20, I am 23 and I think me being older and more mature has some to do with it. I have a 6 year old son also from my past marriage..the guy I was married to was verbally abusive and controlling and cheated on me alot. We were separated, but still legally married when me & my current bf met, & it didn't bother my bf at all..he cared about me so I guess it just didn't matter. I can't stand for him to talk to another girl, or bring up something about his past. He is very weird about his phone to, he says there is nothing on it he just doesn't like anyone looking in his phone. When he's sleeping, I always look in it to see if there's anything, and there never is. Why do I get mad about stuff that he did when he didn't even know me? I can't get over it, & the things he did when we were broke up.. he hasn't slept with anyone else, but he did mess around with a couple. It kills me to think about it! Im depressing myself & making myself miserable. I've got to stop! Help!

I have a 6 year old son also from my past marriage..the guy I was married to was verbally abusive and controlling and cheated on me alot.

This right here is a very possible reason. You're subconsciously fearful that he'll end up like your ex-husband, even if there's no proof for it--which there does not appear to be.

Have you sought help for the previous abuse?

No I haven't.. I've just kind of dealt with it myself. But apparently its not working.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? A counselor perhaps?

No, not really.. just my family but I feel like they judge me to much & they always say I told you so because they never liked my ex and warned me we would end up like this. Idk what to do but I've got to stop what im doing because its going to end up pushing my bf away for good & I definitely don't want that. But I feel like if I start to let go and not be so crazy & super jealous, then he is going to do something wrong. & ill blame it on myself.

Seek help from a professional. They can help you sort through these feelings. I'd hate to see you inadvertently push your boyfriend away because of problems from your ex.

Thanks for your help

I pretty much gotta go with Nukem on this lol

It seems the aftermath of your ex's relationship leaked into your current relationship with you being jealous over your bf and paranoid.

Therapy is your best option. I hope you guys work it out and goes well.

Thank you. I guess I have always known it was because of my ex, but I didn't want to accept the fact that I was still struggling with our relationship. We dated for almost 8 years and he was all I ever knew. Never really explored or lived my teenage years. Then I met my current bf a couple months after I had ended it for good with my ex, and fell for him instantly and we have been nonstop ever since. I guess we were just meant to be bc a bf was the last thing on my mind at that time. I feel like he helped me 100% get over my ex husband & I never thought that was possible.

Why do you feel it necessary to refer to the girl that he lost his virginity to a skank?

Why do you feel it necessary to refer to the girl that he lost his virginity to a skank?

She's vilifying her because she's insecure about her. It's not right but easy to diagnose.

You don't want to project your insecurities on your man. It'll just push him away and end in a result that will only hurt you. You need some proffesional help to talk this out and come up with some tools to stop doing it.

Good luck x

Please let the OP answer for herself.

We live in a small town, and well shes been around.

But yes Avila, even if I didn't know she was like that, I probably would have called her a name just because of the jealousy I have towards her for being his "first". But I should not feel this way because I didn't even know him! Its crazy im tired of feeling this way.

Calling people really nasty names tends to say more about the person using those names than the person they are directed at. If that attitude comes accross to your boyfriend, together with the extreme jealousy you feel, then you are in danger of losing your relationship.

If you respect yourself, your boyfriend and other people you may find that jealousy, which springs from insecurity and low self-esteem, will disappear. That can start by not calling people nasty names.

Your question is simple. You were cheated on in the past. I went through the exact same thing with you, except I don't have kids in the picture. I have a feeling you are a vulnerable young lady, especially being convinced by a controlling and abuse boyfriend to marry you. You need to focus on your own self worth, and you need to do you! If you can't do it alone, you need to get help; counselling! The more you behave like this, one day your boyfriend will have enough of you. It took my boyfriend to break up with me to get me to realize that I HAD to change. You need to realize before it's too late, because not everyone (like my bf) will take a person back after they have consistently invaded someone privacy.

If you live in a small town, I am sure you will end up going to the movie theater your ex's best friend happens to work with, or the gas station the person who bullied you in school works at. Just because he goes to that restaurant doesn't mean he requests her table if she is a server or he even sees her at all.

I agree professional help is needed. Go to a support group for survivors of abuse and also find a counselor who will work on a sliding scale if you can't afford.

We live in a small town, and well shes been around.

I agree with DN.

You are 23 and you already have TWO children from TWO DIFFERENT fathers. What does that say about you?

You're projecting, seek professional help.